Online dating - I can’t find a date ?

[Datingquez]

I get 400-600 likes on Tinder and around 200 on Bumble every day. I spend ages reviewing these likes and matching with guys I think who have potential. I end up messaging back and forth with a few dozen every day. But they never ask me out. Rinse, repeat every day and every week. I never had this problem when I was dating before. The sheer number of men I’m going through yet none are keen to meet for a date. I’m 38 - is it my age ? I’ve shown my photos and bio to male friends who said it’s all fine. Do these hundreds of men just swipe for the hell of it and don’t want to actually date? Anyone else experiencing similar?

Get yourself out and about and meet someone in real life - you can't judge the chemistry online it's much easier face to face.

I'd say you might be talking to too many people so it only stays superficial. How can you talk to a few dozen a day? Surely that would take hours of time, not to mention confusion between them. Try half a dozen, then you might get deep enough for someone to take it at least to a messaging app, which is usually the next step before arranging a date. I've never arranged a date via an OLD app, it's only superficial at that stage.

It’s not always easy. I joined and chatted for ages and didn’t get a date for 3 months!
I found a lot of guys wanted the lady to do the asking. I did find a pattern to those would were just playing vs those who would meet. I did find Bumble and Hinge better than Tinder.
Red flags: if they want to message on Snapchat, if they give you their number very quickly, if they want to sext, if they turn the conversation to sex quickly, they live miles away and don’t drive. Anyone whose profile says ‘Somehow I find myself here again!’ (any of those seem to be players!).
Good signs: ask to meet within a few days, swap numbers after a few days, suggest daylight meetings..
I did meet someone 6 months after I started OLD which is still going strong after over a year, but you do have to weed through them!

Thank you NeurodivergentBurnout this gives me hope

I would whittle down the amount you want to match with? Have a good look and think can I really see myself on a date with him, is his profile up to scratch.
Quality over quantity, doesn't matter how many likes in a day, it's you that has to like them, keep having conversations and eventually one you will click with, not many will ask for a date straight away, I'd give them 2-3 days and if no date arranged then stop talking. This was my tactic, I might only get one date every week or two but they were ones I genuinely thought I should chance, even then liking them in person doesn't always happen or not compatible, I still wouldn't rush it though.

I would say that you’re spreading yourself too thin by messaging dozens of men at the same time. The vast majority of men seem to swipe on anyone they find vaguely attractive without actually reading the profile.

I always read the profile several times before I send a message and make sure I refer to something personal and don’t just send generic messages. I would advise really be selective about who you chat to and don’t be afraid to say to them about meeting up. It doesn’t have to be anything heavy just a coffee.

Are you asking them out?

I wasn't ever shy about arranging to get together, and I didn't wait long. 5 days is enough to know if you're interested enough to meet for a coffee - if you are, then ask them.

Thanks for all the useful points
I only match with guys I see potential with
I have time to be engaging in depth
None are asking me out tho
None are progressing the conversation when I try to
It’s baffling 🤷‍♀️ as I said I didn’t have this problem 2 years ago

No I’m not asking any out as I’ve always been told, if they’re interested, they’ll ask you out

If you are like most women who are most attracted and prefer to date men around their age and are primarily messaging people within a few years of your own age, you will find it tough though not impossible judging by the comments of people who’ve successfully met a partner on OLD, typically in their 40s (there was a thread on the same topic a few weeks ago). I don’t think you are doing anything wrong - if you are looking for a relationship, 30% of women in their 30s are single according to statistics so single women are competing for what sounds like a unicorn. I know it feels impossible to meet anyone in real life but I would spend equal amount of time focusing on networking and any sort of sporting or social event you can find. I am a few years older and three of my friends did meet a partner/husband actually around 40 but in all three cases IRL (through work, a shared hobby and a festival). Sending virtual hugs!

Go incognito on Bumble, drop Tinder.
If you are incognito, you'll only be shown to guys you already liked. Cuts things down a ton.

My dating pool is small (lesbian). I found online dating to be riddled with males stalking it or the odd conversation with a possibility just fizzled out. I deleted it as I found it depressing and have been going to meet-ups instead.

Think with online dating you just need to make the first move.

I went on dates very quickly - no point having a pen pal.
I just sent a few messages back and forth to see if I liked the style of messaging (no sex stuff, could spell, asked me questions that sort of thing) and if I thought they were ok looking.

Then I'd just say something along the lines of if they fancy a walk and a coffee in next couple of days and loads of times they'd agree.

The key part of them being interested in you is after that first date. The initial meet up is neither here nor there. I think men get more time wasters than women as in messaging that goes nowhere so they get message fatigue.
Nothing is real until you meet up I think. No point in getting invested or taking anything personallly.

I met my husband through Tinder about four years ago. (I am mid 40s). My policy was;

Message any that I matched with that looked interesting, with a personal message, usually something related to their pics or bio.

Discontinue messaging after the first two or three exchanges if their messages were generic, and did not refer to specific things in my message/my bio. (My now husband was the best over messages immediately because we started chatting about something in my bio and he actually quoted my favourite writer, so I was kind of hooked from the start).

I would raise the possibility of a date within roughly the first 5 or 6 messages, if they haven't. (My husband and one other guy were the only two to get in their first and suggest meeting, as I always suggested it so quickly). I know this sounds very rash to some people, but I really was not on the apps to chat, I was on there to actually physically meet men. If they ignored this suggestion or insisted on chatting for longer, again I stopped messaging then and there.

I wouldn't wait for the men to mention a date - if it's a priority for you, mention it yourself. You will know whether they want to date you from whether or not they agree to it. If they are not genuine, or not attracted to you, you will weed them out much quicker by mentioning meeting up early on.

Good luck! My best friend is going though all of this at the moment - she is gorgeous and one of the loveliest women I have ever met and she is being dicked around by so many time wasters it makes me furious. I actually think she is possibly TOO pretty and it makes some of the guys nervous because they think she can't be real - possibly this is your issue too OP?

I met my OH on Tinder, so it definitely works for some people!

I wouldn't meet with anyone who was too full-on or if they just kept complimenting me the whole time (as nice as it is) it gets tedious. I wanted someone who was interested in me as a person, not what I looked like. I also wouldn't swipe on anyone that didn't have a bio, as if you're interested, you'll take the time to write about yourself.

No words of advice but I am going through exactly the same experience. I am 37, not unattractive but have now been on the apps for two months and not one date so far. I didn't have this problem the last time I was dating online in my late twenties/early thirties x

I'm much older than you. Recently I've noticed more men wait for me to ask them out. It must be the Bumble-syndrome

I am hearing the same thing from my real-life friends - something changed in the last couple of years - no clue what unless it's the same thing leading people to not return to the office even though there is a mandate to go back. They just don't leave the house. They are supposed to go into the office 3x a week, but just don't. They want to go out on a date, but when the opportunity is there - they just stay home. They seem frozen in place. Just guessing - I am in the states.

My theory is that you're understandably picking the cream of the 100's of men who have liked you.:.. but other women will have gravitated to them too, so in the same way you feel spoilt for choice, they are too. The online dating "economy" is harsh, 90% of the women are going for the top 10% of men.

So you need to make your messages stand out from the crowd, and you're simply not going to be able to do that if you're messaging a few dozen every day! That's an insane number to be messaging, and sounds like a full time job even to send a couple of basic messages every day!

Focus on quality not quantity, and realise that the best men in the sites have a lot of choice, and the women who is going to date these men are the ones who put time and effort in to the messages.

Spend as much time and effort messaging 3 or 4 of the men you most like the look of, and you currently spend on the dozens you do at the moment, and you'll stand a far better chance of dating.

It's similar to threads I see from time to time from people who say they can't get a job, despite sending 100s of applications each day! I always sigh when I read those as I've been on the receiving end of those applications... You can tell they're rushed and don't understand the job they've applied for - they get immediately rejected. Men in OLD will pick up the same vibes, and focus on the women who make a genuine effort. Of course there'll still be plenty of time wasters and losers, but if you want one of the rare gems, you need to change your tactics.

I was on a site. Took around 3 months to match with my now husband.

I didn't wait, messaged first and instigated moving things forward. If we are all too passive, everybody waits for a move that never happens.

I still can't get over that you're messaging dozens of men each day. I don't know anyone who is even close to these numbers...

Also, the top men, relatively popular as they might be, won't have nearly as many matches as they you... they won't have 100s of new likes each day. They have an easier job of sifting through their matches.

Also, be honest with yourself about your profile. How good is it. You may think it's good enough because you get so many likes, but you need to get ahead of the other women who are focussing on the desirable men. If it's a couple of grainy photos and scant bio, and you're sending irregular unfocused messages amongst the dozens of others you send, it's.no wonder you're getting nowhere!

Yes I agree with previous posters. I also don't really believe that there are at least 12 in the pool every day that you genuinely think have serious potential? Do you live in London or something or have your distance set very far and wide, too see that many appealing matches? I never saw that much potential daily ever.

I have to be honest, I was very selective and very honest with myself about what I was looking for in a man and what I wanted my future to look like if dating someone longterm and seriously: hobbies, interests, situation, location, attractiveness etc.
So when I matched with a unicorn that seemed to tick all the boxes, I would chat only to them and seize contact with others, as I'm not interested in a back up plan, and as soon as someone becomes that, I know I'm not actually that into them (otherwise a new match would not have made me lose interest).

Then have a date within the week to either confirm the connection and attraction or write them off.
If no luck, I would keep looking until I find another and chat only to them until we date and so on. If the date goes well, I would continue to date them and not chat to anyone else.
Maybe you're not selective enough and maybe you are not selecting the right guys (are you going for players or genuine guys). But if they are genuine, they might also sense that you are not really that interested if the chat is quite bland and superficial.

Why have you selected them? What stood out to make you think they had potential? Mention it to them and make them feel special. Not like a dime in a dozen (literally).

That's rather 1950's. And clearly isn't working with OLD for you. Men won't ask you out unless they're getting signals that you're interested in them, and it's harder than ever to identify the signals through through messaging, especially when you're all chatting to dozens of people at the same time. If you can't bring yourself to ask them out directly, do a reverse and ask them when they're going to ask you out.

Tbh that’s pretty shortsighted and it’s not working for you from your OP.

You're saying ‘fancy a coffee’ not proposing

Yes I’m in London
I actually had 5 guys ask me out yesterday- I find Sundays are quite busy on the apps