I think I blew it ..

[Dejadog]

Sorry this is probably a total mess to read.
I usually stay at my BF’s at the weekends and went over yesterday but we ended up having a huge row. Bottom line is that I found some underwear that isn’t mine and I reacted badly. It was stuck in the couch and my immediate thought was that he had cheated on me, while he insisted that it must have been there for a long time and his exs because he hadn’t cheated. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t hear him out at all and reacted badly because I was cheated on in my previous relationship and it had hurt me so much. I know that he was really angry with me, and he had ignored me since then when I tried to reach out. I apologised by text because I know that I was probably overreacting and I tried to call but he is totally blanking me and it’s making me so anxious and worry that I blew this now. I just can’t deal with the silence at all and I feel like such an idiot.

He had another woman's pants in his couch. They have not been there since his previous relationship unless you've only been with him a few weeks! if they are from a year or whatever ago then his hygiene standards are obscene and you should cut and run for that reason!

He's trying to deflect by making you panic and apologise. You do not need this, just cut him off.

You apologised? My gut feeling is that you didn't overreact and that the underwear had not been there for ages. I bet my last dollar that he has cheated on you.

Wise up and move on. I might be wrong but I don't think that this man deserves your trust, your time, your energy, or your love.

It's his reaction that sounds unreasonable to me, OP. How long since he and his ex split up, if he hadn't noticed her underwear stuck in his sofa? Of course you were upset. Now he's sulking. How long have you been together, and do you really want to continue a relationship with someone who gives you the silent treatment?

Surely you'd have seen it before if it was the ex's and you're there most weekends?

He's lying.

Come on. He had pants in his couch. They are not his ex's

They split up like 2 years ago. The pants were quite far down the couch so it could be possible? We’ve been together a year and a half and things have been so good

I think your first reaction was the correct one. It isn't you that has messed up.

I'm going to go against advice from previous posts, men are unbelievably stupid at times. I found a pair of pants under a mattress but they were definitely from a previous previous girlfriend from years ago. I married him and 5 years later we are very happy.

If they were so far down the couch how did you find them?

If they were easy enough to find they’ve not been there for two years.

The ignoring you now rather than reassuring you speaks volumes too, he’s been caught out and he’s managed to switch it round so you’re the one apologising?

In the bin 🚮

What were the pants like?

There is no reason to think they are the ex’s other than his say so—unless they are embroidered with her name. The whole story is absurd. They have not been there for two years. He is taking you for a fool.

This. How did you find them?

Hee gas lighting you -making you feel guilty for an entirely normal reaction. He’s angry cos he’s guilty of cheating. He’d be reassuring you otherwise because he’d know what it looks like. I’m sorry OP his reaction tells you everything- GUILT! Not only that he’s a gaslighting arse hole. Let this be a clear sign u need to leave this relationship.

He’s most probably lying. And now he’s furious he’s been found out.

A reasonable person would say, “I know it looks bad and I can understand why you’re suspicious”. And go from there.

I don’t want to go into detail about it but we did some stuff and my arm was pushed down and I felt them. So it’s possible and I might have overreacted I think and I hate this situation

Wow. A thread full of psychics 😳 I thought I kept my couch reasonably clean, but within the last 6 weeks of my dd owning pet rats and having to dive after them when they’ve decided to go exploring inside my furniture, we’ve found all sorts of missing items. Including my dh mobile phone that went missing on nye 6 years ago, and a Xmas bauble from a year or 2 before that. I’m still waiting for the apology from my dh who accused me or the children of potentially breaking his phone and then binning it to hide the evidence. That couch was searched many times for it btw, just didn’t find it before. Do YOU think he’s lying op?

Either they are an Ex's pants.. or they are not..

How lacy were they? How easy to find (if it is another woman trying to let you know.. they'd be near the top.. there may be other clues - hair bands luring anywhere?)

If they were not a new woman's does he have a thing for wearing lady's pants? (that was my first thought by the way!)

It's his reaction that tells you everything you need to know.

If it was genuine he would/should be trying to explain how they got there, not getting 'very, very angry'. What did he expect you to think?

Reverse the situation. What if he'd found a pair of man's pants down your sofa. Wouldn't you realise how bad it looked and try your hardest to make him feel better?

Please don't try to backtrack by apologising, as he will be forever lying to you, knowing he's got away with it before.

You're worth more than that

He is either a cheater or a skank who does no housework. He could be both.

and maybe you didn’t over react.

Hmm...his reaction would swing it for me.

In his shoes I would have been incredibly apologetic and insisted they belonged to an ex yes but I certainly would not have been angry with you for what seemed like a natural conclusion.

Is it possible pants could be down a sofa for years? Maybe. Easy test, were there also loaaadddds of crumbs and other things down there? Seriously, even 2 months and my sofa would be minging like that if I didn't hoover. Also, did his ex live with him? (Because otherwise surely she would have realised her pants were missing when she went to leave).

But his reaction of having the cheek to be mad at you, isn't on. I suspect he's cheated and is trying to deflect.

I'm sorry but how many times do you have sofa sex and then leave without retrieving your pants ? They were left there on purpose by someone who knows you exist and was hoping you'd find them.

In my opinion.

I hate the way every single woman (almost) on here is assuming he cheated, why are women SO distrusting of men?!

OP he could be genuinely telling the truth. If my OH accused me of cheating I'd be so angry and probably react how your partner is acting now tbh, as I'd be telling myself that he should know me better than that.

If he loves you, then he will come around. Give him some space and let him know that you're ready to talk when he is.

I take the cushions off and hoover the crumbs from under my sofa cushions every month or so, also rotate them for even wear. Had he seriously not cleaned his sofa in two years?

His reaction and response isn't unusual, especially if he's genuinely telling the truth.

You've brought traumas, experiences, and trust issues from your previous relationship into this new one. Your first response was to accuse him of cheating.

Things can go unnoticed and undiscovered in places for a long length of time in different places. Things being lost in sofas for years isn't unbelievable.

He could be telling the truth or lying.

Either way the relationship is ruined beyond repair, and neither one of you will view each other the same.

You've lost faith and trust in him an in the relationship. These thoughts will never go away, they'll only expand.

If he was genuinely telling the truth,
You blew it...and he is angry and perhaps saddened by this. You have compared him to other experiences, and it sounds like he was never really given a clean slate.

It's best to permanently leave him alone.

You'll never trust him again...from what you stated about previous experiences...you perhaps never trusted him to begin with.