I think I blew it ..

[Dejadog]

Sorry this is probably a total mess to read.
I usually stay at my BF’s at the weekends and went over yesterday but we ended up having a huge row. Bottom line is that I found some underwear that isn’t mine and I reacted badly. It was stuck in the couch and my immediate thought was that he had cheated on me, while he insisted that it must have been there for a long time and his exs because he hadn’t cheated. I’m not proud of it but I didn’t hear him out at all and reacted badly because I was cheated on in my previous relationship and it had hurt me so much. I know that he was really angry with me, and he had ignored me since then when I tried to reach out. I apologised by text because I know that I was probably overreacting and I tried to call but he is totally blanking me and it’s making me so anxious and worry that I blew this now. I just can’t deal with the silence at all and I feel like such an idiot.

I don’t think you overreacted at all. Totally understandable but what should be a concern is his silent treatment. It’s punishment & I wouldn’t tolerate it personally.

lol right. Oh well no underwear today!

OP come on 😂

Are you nuts, your apologising to him for him cheating, move on to something better, he's playing you and he's got angry with you because he knows he's wrong and if he blames you, you will come running.
Don't go back, block him and get an STD check.
If you go back you will just have this all the time, you deserve better

I'm with you Cas

He said an ex, not a one night stand. If it’s someone staying over there at least fairly regularly and bringing changes of clothes, then it makes more sense than someone having a booty call and then leaving with no underwear.

This is what I thought when I was thinking about the situation. If someone was in the wrong and trying to cover up, then I think they’d be full of excuses and apologies and reassuring you it was a misunderstanding. If someone found a 2yo pair of men’s pants down my couch and then accused me of cheating despite me having an explanation, I’d be thinking ‘oh fuck off then if you want to believe I’m lying’.

First reply nails it 👏👏

Out of curiosity how do you search a sofa many times for a phone but not find it till 6 years later?

Exactly, I'd be livid and probably wouldn't speak to him for days either if he jumped to a conclusion and laid into me over it, without giving me the chance to explain!

He’s cheated and was possibly looking for an excuse to finish with you anyway.

You’ve walked right into it.
Let him go. Move on.

Yes he might have cheated. But strange things can resurface!
We are married 30 years but when just together I put on my then boyfriends dressing gown and found a pair of lacy pants. His ex had worn it and he'd stashed it in a wardrobe since.
Your BF was very angry, well I think I would be if someone I loved refused to believe me, just playing devil's advocate.
If you genuinely believe him, and I don't think it's beyond the realms of possibility, then all you can do is try to tell him your past has affected your reasoning.
It's a shame either way really, if he's cheated it should be over for you, and if he didn't he's going to wonder if he has to live on eggshells if you don't believe him so it's possibly over anyway.
Only you know him well enough to know whether it's a genuine possibility or he's playing attack is the best form of defence.

I’m not sure what you want me to tell you. We couldn’t find it despite me telling my oh there’s no other place it would be, it was 100% in that couch as that’s where I’d seen it last and it ate everything. Maybe my DD’s skinny little arms managed to get into a crevice we missed 🤷🏼‍♀️

And actually if you want to hear a stranger example, when I was a teenager I had a pet 6 foot snake escape from the cage in my bedroom. We couldn’t find him for 11 months, had the floorboards up and everything. My dads girlfriend found it when she got out the shower and it was curled up on the floor in her underwear 😬wouldn’t have been so bad except she’d come over from Thailand so to her most snakes are highly venomous and vermin, not pets. I still remember the screams.

First reply nails it.

Oh God, OP - raise your standards! He's either had sex with someone who staggered home without her knickers on, or his hygiene standards are revolting.

Even if it's the latter, the fact that he is refusing to communicate and ignoring your begging apologies is such a massive red flag that I'd dump.

Your first instinct is correct. He is lying. He's been caught out & his reaction says it all. Bin this one.

@Aylestone

My dads girlfriend found it when she got out the shower and it was curled up on the floor in her underwear 😬wouldn’t have been so bad except she’d come over from Thailand so to her most snakes are highly venomous and vermin, not pets.

Tbf I don't think that's just because she was Thai, I think the vast majority of Brits would be terrified and think of snakes as scary rather than as pets!

Was it still alive?😳😳

Friends of ours lost a boa constrictor in their apartment for a year. It turned up living very happily under the mattress of their bed.

Yep. With their metabolisms they can go for an extraordinarily long time without eating. Though he had shrunk considerably. He must have been getting moisture from somewhere

I think that regardless of whether he has been unfaithful he is being emotionally abusive not answering your calls

i think he knows that you have abandonment issues and that he can get away with anything if he withdraws.

so the most important thing is to have therapy for the panic you feel when someone does that.

You had a lucky escape if he is now being abusive and playing hard to get.

Was it a recliner sofa. Much easier to lose things under that. A standard sofa I'm not so sure.