Help situationship as single mum

[Babybellaboo]

Hi guys I came on here before when i had issues with my abusive relationship and it helped so much I have since escaped i have been free for 2 years i’ve not dated or seen anyone since.

Basically i was speaking to one of my male friends at this point not ready for a relationship we made an arrangement as Friends with benefits and it started like this he would come round 10pm we would “hang out” and he would leave. We did this for a month or so and not really chatting inbetween. Then we started texting and voice messaging and calling through the day. One time he asked if he could stop I said yeah but wasn’t comfortable with him meeting my daughter at this point so he stopped and left early on. this then started happening regularly.

This then progressed and he eventually met my daughter he started stopping at mine a lot and spending the day there, things progressed more and we was going out for food just me and him and also with my daughter we went to a bonfire display.

its now been 7 months and we have been seeing each other he comes round a good few times a week sometimes for a week at a time, he plays with my daughter they get on so well, he’s there for me emotionally as well whenever i feel down or lonely he’s there. We go out in places in public together also with my daughter we post pics and stuff but for some reason he will not make it official I need clarity but every time i approach it he diverts it with a joke or something i don’t know what this situation is, but he says he will always be there for me we act like a couple do things like a couple and we are amazing together we both know it but why would he not want to make it official?

he’s single
I’m guessing not old
he wants to have his cake and eat it

sounds like moving very fast for a mere 7 months

Perhaps he's got a similar arrangement with someone else and doesn't want to commit to one woman, don't keep treating him like your bf letting him around your daughter, just keep it fwb without the pretence of a relationship and keep your options open, if he wanted a relationship he would make it official, don't wait on him hoping he'll change, put yourself back in control.

Your child has already endured the Adverse Childhood Experience of having to live in a household of domestic abuse.
The friend with benefits should only have ever met the child if it was in her best interests, with safeguarding at the forefront, and after a lot of discussion about his role in her life.
The man is not a boyfriend, even. Believe him when he refuses to answer you or enthusiastically demonstrates how he benefits your child- he’s only there for sex.
Have you had therapy?
Your standards should be so, so high that any boyfriend would need to be of exceptional quality and focussed solely on what’s in your kids best interest before he so much as meets her.

why lie?

you started a thread about the father of your child and you were living with him and in a relationship with him (albeit a shit one) 20 months ago. You were 26 weeks pregnant and still with him.

My error not a year ago. 20 months ago you were in a relationship with the father and you were 26 weeks pregnant

very true it is fast i agree, but it’s nice so I don’t know what to do, am i being to forward expecting commitment at this stage

sorry i didn’t mean to put 2 years ago i meant to put around a year ago i left him

As stated previously it’s not just about sex the moment it progressed was when i let him meet my child on a freind basis like any one of my other friends. again it’s not just about sex i’ve spent nearly a year mentally recovering from the trauma not understanding how it feels to be treated this man all though not accepting commitment is giving me everything i’ve never had it makes me happy. Yes it started of as sex but it’s more than that sometimes he just comes round to keep me company or so i can let out things i’m down about .

No matter the reason he visits your house, it does not sound in your kids best interests. You only just left the abuser and started meeting up with this bloke, that’s not good. Have you not done the Freedom Project?

Where did you meet him?

Hi

Wtf?

Do you mean he refuses to be called your boyfriend? Or he hasn’t officially asked you out? Or is he keeping you from meeting his friends and family?

i can help

take it much much more slowly

20 months ago you were living with your ex

Now you’re 7 month in to a relationship where the man is already heavily involved with your baby daughter

🤔

Yes it started of as sex but it’s more than that sometimes he just comes round to keep me company or so i can let out things i’m down about .

let me guess

he listens and then you have sex

When you say "make it official", what is it you want? Because that could mean anything from putting "in a relationship with.." on Facebook, to getting married. Does he know what you want?
Are you clear on what you want? To know neither of you is seeing anyone else & would not see anyone else? To meet each other's people?
Tell him clearly what you want, and be ready to walk away if he's not up for this, because if he won't do either of those things, he's taking the piss.

Because to him it is just sex, he's being nice so he keeps getting sex. He'll drop you as soon as he finds someone he does want a relationship with. Do you even know if you're exclusive?

Have you actually done any work on your standards or boundaries since your relationship with your child's father ended?

Sorry my son did this and I have no idea how to delete

It’s really obvious why he won’t make it official. He doesn’t want to.

He gets the girlfriend experience with you but can then go do what he wants and/or walk away and say ‘it was never a proper relationship’

Your problem is that you let him into your daughter’s life and started seeing him as a boyfriend when he isn’t.

If he wanted something official. He would make it official. You could try ending things, see if that spurs him on. But it won’t work long term. He will say you trapped him. You will know he had to have his arm twisted to be in a relationship and he didn’t pick you.

*It’s really obvious why he won’t make it official. He doesn’t want to.

He gets the girlfriend experience with you but can then go do what he wants and/or walk away and say ‘it was never a proper relationship’*

This.

Don't let him have your time, body, company, access to your child etc. without him even saying you're in a relationship.

Oh and I find fwb never almost works out for the woman.

Your original post describes a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship. How do you think he would react if you said he didn’t need to say any words - you are in a relationship because of the changes he instigated to the original fuck buddy deal.

If he says “oh yeah, course we are” sorted.

If he looks horrified and runs for the hills, you’ll know he’s been using you and callously including your child in his shitty little game

You make me sound so awful for having a male friend i came on here for advice not being slated excuse me for actually enjoying company from a male when previously all i endured was negativity abuse and narsasstic behaviour. Why is there such a stigma attached? My child's best interests are always first just because he's met my child why is that any different to a female friend tell me this? There's never any intamacy or affection in front of my child? my child is happy healthy and fed so what is the problem? He's not abusing me he's not treating me like crap or being wrong in front of my child so i don't see the problem.

I've known him from school he's not a random guy we've had contact on and off just not during my past relationship due to my ex not allowing me contact with anyone