Help situationship as single mum

[Babybellaboo]

Hi guys I came on here before when i had issues with my abusive relationship and it helped so much I have since escaped i have been free for 2 years i’ve not dated or seen anyone since.

Basically i was speaking to one of my male friends at this point not ready for a relationship we made an arrangement as Friends with benefits and it started like this he would come round 10pm we would “hang out” and he would leave. We did this for a month or so and not really chatting inbetween. Then we started texting and voice messaging and calling through the day. One time he asked if he could stop I said yeah but wasn’t comfortable with him meeting my daughter at this point so he stopped and left early on. this then started happening regularly.

This then progressed and he eventually met my daughter he started stopping at mine a lot and spending the day there, things progressed more and we was going out for food just me and him and also with my daughter we went to a bonfire display.

its now been 7 months and we have been seeing each other he comes round a good few times a week sometimes for a week at a time, he plays with my daughter they get on so well, he’s there for me emotionally as well whenever i feel down or lonely he’s there. We go out in places in public together also with my daughter we post pics and stuff but for some reason he will not make it official I need clarity but every time i approach it he diverts it with a joke or something i don’t know what this situation is, but he says he will always be there for me we act like a couple do things like a couple and we are amazing together we both know it but why would he not want to make it official?

I've met his friends and some of his family he's not refusing. We just haven't had the conversation

No not at all sometimes he comes round and we don't have sex sometiems he just holds me whilst i tell him how i feel or what i'm worried about or struggling with sometimes we just watch tv sometimes we eat nice food it's not all about sex why so much judgement

Thank you very much as this is solid advice everyone else is judging me or making me feel like a bad mother.

Yes I have, how do you know what this guys like your going off a short description of the events i'm talking about please stop shaming me

what we do know is that he pops around, sometimes stay for a week, but doesn’t want to say it’s a relationship. And this will be because he wants to be able to have sex with others

I understand what your saying but we made an agreement we both weren't going to sleep with other people. so how do you know for definite he's sleeping with others

i don’t

ok op crack on 🤷‍♀️

I had a FWB situationship which was similar in some ways - we'd known each other for years and my kids knew him as one of my friends. We were both too wounded from our divorces to want a proper relationship at first, but we ended up spending so much time together, not just having sex whenever we met. It just became normal and natural for things to develop into a normal relationship. But there was a period of second-guessing all this stuff, so I feel for you. That's why I'm saying think through what you want and be sure he understands what that is. I tied myself up in knots but first established that neither of us was seeing anyone else or looking for anyone else. It's OK to say "I know we started off very casually, but actually now I don't want to be sleeping with someone who's still dating other people, so can you tell me how you feel about that?" Beware of terms like "are we exclusive?" because some people don't really understand what that means, and blokes don't spend so much time focusing on this stuff. I think one day I said something like "We're really a normal boyfriend and girlfriend couple now, aren't we?" and he agreed we were, and things seemed much clearer. We still didn't tell our kids for ages, but we started introducing each other to our people. 3 years on things are great but I look back at that first year and think I should have had this matter-of-fact conversation with him earlier on, rather than obsessing over the title of the relationship and whether it was OK to raise the subject. It's clearer to decide that you want, eg, fidelity, being able to introduce him to people etc, rather than focus on a title. If he doesn't want what you want, hopefully this situation has helped you heal your heart and know whether you are now ready for a full relationship. And if that's what you want and he doesn't, I hope you have the confidence to go and look for it. Good luck .

Do you know what this is the nicest and best advice I have got and in some essence you can relate. there has been so many negative comments about this situation like it's not normal for someone to be involved with someone but not titled as a relationship all because i have a child even if this was as far as we go he has made me understand and realise how i should be treated which i have never felt before he always puts my interests first he cares about me emotionally and is always there for support he constantly reminds me of how much of an amazing mum I am even when i feel like i'm failing regardless of what other people think as i was in an abusive relationship this man has really set the standards for me regardless. So it's quite frustrating when people are saying i haven't hired my standards the problems is women who have known nothing other than abuse don't know what normal is so it's important for them to understand what that is before even beginning to date or whatever and like i said if it doesn't work out with us now I have learned something and it's how i deserve to be treated and what it should feel like. thank you so much for your positive reply.

Your 2nd & 3rd paragraph give the impression of a long time but then go next to say 7 months! Honestly, this is way too soon to be introducing men to you DD after an abusive start to her life,

It’s still the honeymoon period (& not even a relationship!) so if/when it goes wrong, that’s 2 men that have already have been in your child’s very short life. Please build foundations with men before introducing.

Putting your child first should be priority imo.

So you ended it with her dad a year ago, and have been fwb for 7 months. So actually took a whole 5 months being single after an abusive relationship. I would think it probably takes longer as shown by all your boundaries with your current man folding under pressure.
At the start you both agreed fwb
Then he started stopping overnight - and you let him.
Then he started spending the day - and you let him.
You let him meet your DD
Then you let him do family trips and play with her.
Then he stopped for days - because you let him.
Now he stops the odd week at a time - because you let him.
And no its entirely different contact than your DD would have with a friend, as friends don't usually stop for a week and play lots with your DC's.
You've let him behave like a boyfriend while giving no promises or commitment.
Here is where it's also different from friends, as if he leaves you, he also leaves your DD. She will feel the loss of the man who played daddy with her for weeks and days. That is why you have a duty to do your best to ensure you are in a real relationship that has some legs before introducing DC's.
You'd better have the conversation sooner rather than later as the longer this goes on, the more attached your DD will get.
But you have been very passive and let him drive all this, despite saying you just wanted fwb. All the moments where he pushed for more, should of been where you either declined or pinned him down to more commitment at each stage. But you didn't, so he can still try and claim you are nothing more than a fwb. Let's hope he doesn't for your DD's sake.

it's not uncommon to start as casual sex partners and 6 months later develop into a full blown relationship. I've seen this happening amongst friends. This is not about "how he feels", this is about "how YOU feel". If you want a proper relationship with this man you need to sit and have "the talk", let him know kindly what you want and expect. If you're ok with having a situationship with this man then...do nothing. Do keep in mind that staying with someone who doesn't want to commit will break havoc on your self esteem eventually if commitment is what you want. Also: men have more respect for women who know what they want, are not afraid of expressing it and not afraid to walk away if they don't get it. My question is: what do YOU want?

So you escaped a abusive relationship but within a couple of months you hooked up with another man purely for sex? How about concentrating on yourself and your daughter? This situation sounds like another abnormal one, you may end up being emotionally abused. Please finish it and get some help for yourself and your daughters sake.

Why post asking a question when you won't accept any opinions other than the one you're seeking? What I would say you won't want to hear so I won't bother

Op I don't think I read your original thread. I have no constructive advice but I think you deserve happiness. you have done nothing wrong introducing him to you child. Female and male friends come and go. But my advice would be when you are next together tell him your exclusive. or your walking away from the relationship as you and your child deserve to be happy and secure in your life
PS to all the mumsnetters slateing the op I would bank money on it your not perfect but your so happy and secure in your relationship its OK to slat someone that's needs advice

and Op states 2 years since left ex

but turns out actually just over a year and the 2 years was a mistake / typo

exactly

if we don’t say what the op wants to hear, we’re all nasty blah blah blah

i’m not least bit surprised. This baby will see many men in her home over the years i can guarantee. So i give up 🤷‍♀️ and hide this thread as it’s a depressing insight

any update Op?

hoping any update just involves you and your daughter