Am I over reacting. Currently feel betrayed

[DadSpeaking]

My wife and I have been having relationship problems for a little while but we're trying to give it a go.

Yesterday my wife went to an event all day which involved a lot of drink but essentially a family party.

I finished work early and went to meet her in a bid to support her and be with her.

This is where I initially noticed what I felt to be some flirting. She was engaged chatting although in a group to her friend's brother. As the time passed She and the brother were really engaged in heavy banter and held eye contact and focus totally and it really begun to feel like it was just them two. Although there was two or three people sat around the table, nobody else was really involved or could get a look in..if we changed the conversation they found a reason to just engage with each other.

I moved up to sit next to my wife and she moved forward on the edge of a seat to be more engaged in the conversation with this brother. So she almost had to turn ahead all the way around if I said something.

As the drink flowed? The conversation got off more into a sexual nature and straight into talking about anal. These are conversations that my wife would never normally entertain and actually find extremely crude and put off but here she was laughing and joking fully engaging. It was raised again and again.

We then moved on to another venue and I went away to pick up the children. When I returned I found them again setting opposite each other. Fully engaged more conversations yet more sexual talk, laughing and joking. Again, nobody else seem to exist.

As the rest of the family started to leave she remains seating throughout except for when the brother wanted to leave where she got up. Walked around a very long table to go and say goodbye with an embrace

When we got back I raised this conversation to say I wasn't comfortable the way I felt she was flirting with him holding eye contact. Not engaging anyone else around and how the conversation went straight into sexual nature and it was totally out of character for her to be discussing and how she enjoyed engaged, laughing, joking and really being giddy like a school girl. It felt over the top and totally out of character like a performance, wanting to be funny and happy.

I said that I felt really betrayed and really hurt and initially her reaction was not great and made me feel worse but she did later. Apologize and said that she would just thought she was having banta.

From a lady's perspective, what are your thoughts on this? Am I overstepping the mark reading too much into this? They haven't met before and got involved with a similar level of banter and focus and attention on each other. She did say that she doesn't fancy him. She's not her type, but I found that actions spoke louder than words.

whe. She got back home before I raised this she went straight to bed avoided me really.although she was very drunk.

What should I do? I don't want to lose her but I feel so betrayed and hurt. I just can't look at the moment.

Unfortunately it's pretty difficult to say if this really was flirting or just inappropriate chat. Inappropriate chat might be a bit icky and I'd consider it a sign that she'd drunk too much, but would be totally OTT to be hurt and betrayed. Flirting on the other hand, obviously, not okay.

I would say that if she IS flirting with someone while you're sitting right next to her, then frankly the relationship is probably more or less impossible to salvage.

Thanks for the reply. I do feel like it was flirting and not banta, I have been with my wife many years and know her inside out. She was giddy like a school girl so I un like her. Almost desperate to be seen as this fun laugh a minute character. So strange..

Deep down I sort of agree that this feels like an end. I wrote down in my diary entry last night "that's it." I was hoping people would say I was crazy and got it wrong.

It felt like he was pushing flirting to see where the limit of conversation was. He was 10miles past the conversations she would normally accept but here she was laughing and playing along.

Well yes, but she had been drinking all day. Not necessarily an excuse, but there's a reason most of us avoid all day drinking past a certain age. It makes us do and say things we wouldn't usually.

I'd give you the same advice as I'd give to a woman: you don't need a reason to end it.

If this felt like it crossed a line for you, that is enough. Whether she was drunk, or flirting or just having an off day is pretty irrelevant. You feel disrespected and it pushed a boundary for you.

Think less on the Ifs and Buts and more on what is needed in life, or this relationship, for you to be happy.

I think that’s disgusting behaviour

Presumably this man knew you were her husband?

I think she's disgusting. Not keen on him either. But it's generally the woman who says something isn't appropriate so I would feel betrayed in that situation. Grim.

He did. If it had been a pub I'd have dealt with it. But this was a family function (not my family) wife's friends graduation party. I didn't feel I could ruin the event. I think I was more upset with my wife than him. She was encouraging it

Disrespectful to you and your relationship. Did she want you to react? Is she looking for some kind of jealousy or possessiveness from you? What are your current “relationship issues” that you’re going through… as these could be relevant to yesterday’s behaviour. If you’re generally chill she might be pushing to get a reaction as she may feel ultimately you don’t “care” enough to get angry or upset… if you have sexual issues she may be enjoying someone else seeing her as a sexual being. She may be trying to put a front or a mask on to be the happy sexy woman that she doesn’t ever feel she is now…

What is needed is a frank discussion- how you feel start there- how does she feel? What is her version of what went on yesterday…? Where does she want to be and where does she see the relationship being…?

Edited as Freudian slip- wrote “freak” discussion not frank 🙄

Disgusting inexcusable behaviour and embarrassing for you in front of other people.

Yeah you’ll probably get a tougher time on here because man but really if my husband was talking to some random girl about anal sex I’d be raging

Hear hear!!

Our marriage issues are the opposite way. I am very caring, very loving and very unselfish and attentive. I cherish my wife.

However she is less sexually active a little prudish almost. Hence my absolute surprise at the conversation.

Our issues come that she doesn't prioritize or make time for me. I am always down the stack. She doesn't have a high sex drive and we only really have intimacy a few times a year. Despite me giving care and attention. Our problems.came when I switched off as I felt unloved and to a degree started in my head to move on. As I felt it is always one way.

Initially I was raging, almost couldn't believe what I just saw. But now I just feel like something has been lost.

I’d be really upset and annoyed by this and I know my husband would be too if the shoe was on the other foot!

I just don't know how you respond when it's happened.

Sorry OP it was very disrespectful of her and I say that as someone who used to enjoy a good flirt despite already being in a relationship. I’ve never physically cheated on my husband but there’s no excuse for how I used to pretend to be single just for a moments thrill. Luckily for me my husband and I had a lengthy discussion about my behaviour and he accepted my apology and I’ve learned from that. There’s just no excuse for my behaviour at the time to be honest but I pretended there was because I wanted to make him a bit jealous. His only flaw in it was that he wasn’t attentive and he didn’t show me affection/made me feel appreciated. I was young and just wanted to teach him a lesson. I’m sharing this because there must be something your wife is lacking in the relationship for her to behave like that… to me it sounds like you need to have a proper conversation from it. I’m not one of those people who say once a cheater always a cheater - we were able to draw a line under it, accept fault on both sides and stay happily together. But if that’s not how you feel and she’s also not happy in the marriage it’s understandable if you choose differently. Good luck and I wish you both the best.

If I was you it’s something I’d want to have a proper sober conversation about.

If it was just one or two inappropriate comments, especially with alcohol involved, as much as I’d be annoyed with my husband for it I would just let it go. But considering you’ve said it was essentially the entire time, only speaking to him in a group, turning her back to you when you were there to engage only with him and it still being the case when you returned to the event presumably some time later I wouldn’t let that go without having a proper conversation about it & boundaries, as well as to be honest a proper chat about what is going on in the relationship in general. It wouldn’t cross my mind to behave like that but then DH & I are happy, relationship is good, if he behaved like that I’d probably take that as a pretty clear sign that something is wrong.

I feel like it’s not so much about whether or not you’re entirely entitled to be hurt or if you’re over-reacting, but whether your marriage should be over because of a single instance of drunken behaviour she’s agreed was out of order.

She’s not cheated on you, she got drunk and said way too much and diminished herself in your view. I think since you’ve said she’s not usually like that, and it’s out of character, it may be something else is going on with your wife. Perhaps she’s feeling trapped, or like her star is on the wane. Clearly, happily chatting about anal with a male acquaintance would be viewed by some as indiscreet and embarrassing but I don’t think for me it’d be enough to end things.

If it happened again, since you both agree that’s crossed a line, maybe that’d be the time to say enough’s enough.

I also appreciate it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back, but I’d be inclined to try to fix things rather than jack it all in over an incident of drunken stupidity. Maybe it’s the wake-up call to try and repair what’s going wrong?

This is really off and gives Angelina Joile and her brother vibes. Drunk is no excuse.

Sorry, I just realised she hadn’t agreed it was out of order. I think that would make a big difference. If she agrees it’s not a respectful way to behave towards a partner, then maybe it’s something to be worked on together. If not, and she doubles down when sober, that’s different.

Your post sounds as though your wife has already left your relationship... in her head at the very least. This guy made her feel something she doesn't get from you anymore in my opinion

Sorry OP, her behaviour was openly disrespectful, turning away from you, flirting and engaging in sexual talk. If as you say she is normally prudish and uninterested in intimacy with you it appears as though she is now looking elsewhere. A frank, sober conversation is needed but be prepared to hear that she is ready to separate.

At her friends graduation, in front of her friends family and friends and her husband, and at some point her children, she was discussing anal sex with her friends brother? So he was discussing anal sex with a woman he’s never met before at his sisters graduation in front of his family? None of that is ok, why does she think it was? What was the conversation?