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Original poster

Family won't have anything to do with my husband

51 replies

val1965 · 19/01/2024 03:27

Sorry for the long thread, but would appreciate any advice.
My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage for a while, and two years ago he flirted with a girl at his work. This came to my knowledge - we went through a very rough patch, went to marriage counselling, and ultimately worked it out. However, I was still resentful as he never truly apologised to me and expected me to forgive and move on.

Fast forward to just before Christmas, our marriage was struggling, he wasn't happy and I wasn't either. He then said that he wanted "out" of the marriage (we have been married 31 years) and he was done with counselling as he kept on saying that I just "can't move on".

Believing that my marriage was truly over, I confided to my older brother and told him everything. He was disgusted with my husband and advised me that I should leave the marriage and look forward to a peaceful life for myself.

About 3 weeks ago, my husband apologised, said he jumped without thinking saying that he wanted "out" of the marriage and wants to try again. He apologised sincerely. He doesn't want to throw away 31 years, nor do I, so we talked and agreed that we would really try and connect again with each other.

To now: My brother and my family are disappointed with me for me saying that I want to work on my marriage, with my husband (brother said he would never look at him the same way), etc.

We have two grown-up children - my son is supportive, yet my daughter can't stand her father and is against us getting together again.

I am at my wit's end - heartbroken, extremely anxious and feel that I can get physically and mentally broken down over all of this.

Please, I am looking for kind replies and strength how to deal with this.

Thanks so much.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/01/2024 04:34

Putting aside how your husband and your family feel.

How do you feel?

Newyearnewusername2024 · 19/01/2024 04:40

If his behaviour is that bad his own daughter can't stand him then I would suggest that you heed the massive red flag.

I'm not encouraging you to leave him if that's not what you want but there is obviously much more going on than what you gave shared..

Perhaps you are trauma bonded, codependent or similar but that's a leap on my part without further information.

Good luck!

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 19/01/2024 04:41

Remind your family that this is YOUR marriage and that if they love you they will support you in whatever decision you make.

If they can't be there for you, you won't be able to be there for them either, and will need to distance yourself.

They think they are looking out for you and protecting you, but in actual fact they are hurting you and causing you pain with their actions.

Original poster
val1965 · 19/01/2024 05:14

I feel hurt and upset. I totally understand my brother and family how they feel, but I just want to be validated about wanting to try and rebuild my marriage of 31 years. My husband has been very, very good to my family - always there to help with anything, especially with my brother. They have acknowledged this in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
val1965 · 19/01/2024 05:16

My husband has been very good to our kids - always there for them and anything they need, he provides. Eg., both of them got new cars straight from the showroom when they turned 16 etc. My daughter is headstrong, much like my husband, so they clash, but he still loves her very much, yet she is so angry and focusses on the negatives, instead of the positives. I'm not siding with him, just telling it as it is.

OP posts:
HollyKnight · 19/01/2024 05:30

Their reaction isn't surprising, though. You can't expect them to look at him in the same way now that they know what has gone on. They've lost any respect for him. No one wants to see someone they love treated that way. It's also understandable that they are disappointed that, after everything you've told them, you've decided to stay with him. They probably think you should have more respect for yourself. But again that is because they love you. They should respect your decisions in life, but that doesn't mean they have to accept your husband in theirs.

Fluffyfleece · 19/01/2024 05:31

It's very early days tbh if he only went through it properly 3 weeks ago - give it time

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/01/2024 05:33

I just want to be validated about wanting to try and rebuild my marriage of 31 years

Why? If you genuinely feel it's the right thing, then no one but you and your husband need to think that. Everyone else will come around if he makes an effort.

However, if my brother and daughter both couldn't stand DH, I'd think twice. Couple of close people hated exH and they were 100% right. Took me 8 years to work it out.

Tourmalines · 19/01/2024 05:54

You don’t need validation from anyone. Do what’s in your heart for you . You also don’t need your daughters approval. It’s so easy for everyone to point the finger like they are flawless but it’s your life . If you still love him and he’s a decent guy then give it a go .

Bernieee · 19/01/2024 06:20

It’s unfair to ask your family to validate your desire to get back together with DH. A consequence of telling family and friends relationship problems is that they remember even if you have moved on.

WetBandits · 19/01/2024 06:26

Ask yourself honestly if it’s him you want, or if it’s just your marriage.

Theunamedcat · 19/01/2024 06:31

Are you sure he hasn't just realised there is no-one waiting for him outside the marriage

GreatGateauxsby · 19/01/2024 06:32

I'm no help as I agree with your DD and DB.

Even your justification and his "remorse" screams of too little too late... Like he just realised "oh fuck... I'll have to give half my money to @val1965AND wash my own clothes... Fuuuuuck!" 😱

The fact you say you want "validation" is a huge waving red flag.

I'd be getting external 1:1 counselling to work out if you truly love this guy or just fear change &/or "being alone"

EDIT: missed the update
Eg., both of them got new cars straight from the showroom when they turned 16 etc.
...
she is so angry and focusses on the negatives, instead of the positives. I'm not siding with him, just telling it as it is.

LMFAO - I'm am not sure you are "telling it like it is".
Cheating on the mother of your children isn't being a great dad.
Buying presents isn't being a great dad.
Thinking that cheating on and betraying the person you are meant to love the most (ie your wife and children) isn't focusing on the negatives, it's a totally normal reaction

notanothernana · 19/01/2024 06:36

I made the same mistake, confiding in a friend, about my husband's behaviour and now we have been excluded from events. It's really hurtful, I thought I was leaning on a friend when in fact I was before judge and jury.

I won't make that mistake again.

TomeTome · 19/01/2024 06:41

You ARE married until you divorce or die so other people’s opinions are fairly immaterial. If people are being rude to you or your husband tell them to stop. If they don’t decide what you are going to do about it.

Loopytiles · 19/01/2024 06:43

Your extended family’s opinions are understandable, and you can do as they suggest or not.

You sound dismissive of your daughter. Suggesting that the reason she ‘can’t stand’ him is because she’s ‘headstrong’. What are her stated reasons? A man who would treat you like he has might presumably treat his DC badly too: has he?

sounds like your H just doesn’t want to split money and assets! Suggest investigating what your share could be in a split.

has he even now apologised for the emotional affair? Might there be other things you don’t know about?

Toooldforthis36 · 19/01/2024 06:47

Buying showroom new cars for a 16yr old doesn’t make someone a great dad.

ShoesoftheWorld · 19/01/2024 06:48

It's striking that your son (possibly identifying with his father) is supportive of your trying to 'make it work', but your daughter (possibly identifying with you and your position, and thinking of what it would mean for her to be in it) sees her father possibly more for who she is. You appear to have raised a wise young woman there.

I think part of this for you is that the alternative to staying seems overwhelming, and you want those whose regard matters to you to fall in line with it so you can suppress your doubts.

And of course 31 years are not to be thrown away lightly, but I'm getting a hint of sunk costs fallacy here.

ShoesoftheWorld · 19/01/2024 06:49

*for who he is. Can't see the edit function atm Hmm

DarkAcademia · 19/01/2024 07:00

I get the impression that you are minimising some things here to make your position seem more reasonable.

When you say he “flirted with a girl” at work… do you mean he had a full on sexually relationship with a young woman younger than his adult daughter? Girl to me implies late teens to early twenties and he must be in his sixties, yes?

Was it really the first ever time or just the first time you found out? And he is blaming you for not turning a blind eye?

And this rift before Christmas, he fully moved out and was living elsewhere, is that right?

i’n so sorry OP, but it does sound like a solicitor explained exactly what a divorce would look like to him and he was absolutely horrifed.

On that point, have you thought about what your divorced life would look like? A place that’s just yours? Nobody making you cry or feel insecure?

cerisepanther73 · 19/01/2024 07:04

@val1965

Your husband is probably lying awake in bed restless worrying about if he separated divorced from you,
How 🤔 much he could lose potentially in his life,
Home comforts security of that feeling that he has taken so much for granted,
relying on you to cook his favorite meals for him just right ect,

His social standing reputation in community and having to rebuild again on his own a step into the unknown uncertainty what it be like as he has been in relantship so long.

GreatGateauxsby · 19/01/2024 07:05

Thinking about it...I am going to double down on my he just realised "oh fuck... I'll have to give half my money to @val1965AND wash my own clothes... Fuuuuuck!" 😱
Comment

Because

  1. Being able and actually buying 2 X brand new cars for 16 year olds suggests significant communal wealth. I.e. "a lot to lose"
  1. The OP positions it as "him buying" the cars which is crazy when I think about it.
My DH and I have "only" been married 4 years, we ste a high income HH, but nevertheless there is no "you" or "I" in anything that costs over a few hundred, there is only "we": "we" buy things. After 31 sodding years there is no "his money". The fact OP (depressingly) thinks of it like this probably means he does too.
cerisepanther73 · 19/01/2024 07:06

taken so much for so long feeling *

Spirallingdownwards · 19/01/2024 07:07

I get the vibes that 3 weeks was long enough to get legal advice and he found out he was going to get stuffed financially and that his new single life would not be as attractive as he anticipated !

Loopytiles · 19/01/2024 07:09

Yup!