Family won't have anything to do with my husband

[val1965]

Sorry for the long thread, but would appreciate any advice.
My husband and I have been having problems in our marriage for a while, and two years ago he flirted with a girl at his work. This came to my knowledge - we went through a very rough patch, went to marriage counselling, and ultimately worked it out. However, I was still resentful as he never truly apologised to me and expected me to forgive and move on.

Fast forward to just before Christmas, our marriage was struggling, he wasn't happy and I wasn't either. He then said that he wanted "out" of the marriage (we have been married 31 years) and he was done with counselling as he kept on saying that I just "can't move on".

Believing that my marriage was truly over, I confided to my older brother and told him everything. He was disgusted with my husband and advised me that I should leave the marriage and look forward to a peaceful life for myself.

About 3 weeks ago, my husband apologised, said he jumped without thinking saying that he wanted "out" of the marriage and wants to try again. He apologised sincerely. He doesn't want to throw away 31 years, nor do I, so we talked and agreed that we would really try and connect again with each other.

To now: My brother and my family are disappointed with me for me saying that I want to work on my marriage, with my husband (brother said he would never look at him the same way), etc.

We have two grown-up children - my son is supportive, yet my daughter can't stand her father and is against us getting together again.

I am at my wit's end - heartbroken, extremely anxious and feel that I can get physically and mentally broken down over all of this.

Please, I am looking for kind replies and strength how to deal with this.

Thanks so much.

You can't blame them for not liking him after discovering the truth.
It is your decisions, but I am team DB here. Why I'm going to like someone who hurt my sister feelings in that way?

Time will past and things will ease between him and your family I suppose.

All this over ‘ flirting’? Is that what it was or was it an affair/ cam girls etc?

If everyone else, except your son, hates him I wonder if they see something that you don't.
I've been haven having relationship problems and everyone has been telling me to try and work it out and that my husband is a good man. I told them that while I see what they see my happiness is also important.

What has he been doing for the last 3 weeks? I wonder if he's realised the grass isn't greener or been seeing someone and it hasn't worked out.

It would be false of them to validate and support a car crash of a relationship. They can always support YOU.

He flirted with someone? Or he was inappropriate with them?

Yes, I agree with this response.

I wouldn’t have thought highly of my DF if he’d behaved like this, just because he’d bought me a car.

You can’t expect validation from your DB. He might come to accept it, but he’ll always think it’s the wrong decision. He’s probably thinking like many of us on here - that your H has realised the consequences of a split and is staying for an easier life.

Im very sorry that you’re having to deal with this. If he’s genuinely remorseful, you might be able to build a new relationship, but your family will struggle to support it.

Your children and your family are grown ups who can decide with whom they want to have a relationship. If my sister confided this in me, I'd definitely change my relationship with their partner.

But, OP, really, he just changed his mind? or he realised he'd be looking at getting older without a housekeeper, cook & bottle washer?

This one stood out. Is that just not basic being a dad. Of course he should be there for his children, both emotionally and materially/practically.

it sounds like something you’d say about a godparent or a family friend who has helped out.

I hate it when family get involved like this and make it difficult for you. Unless there’s abuse etc they need to mind their own business. I’ve learned over the years not to confide in family due to this kind of thing

As a pp said, he’s realised the grass isn’t greener being ‘out’ of the marriage and knows that you are so desperate to hang on that you’ll take him back.

The fact that everyone around you is disappointed with this change of heart on your part must tell you something?

Buying a brand new car for someone doesn’t mean that you buy their love forever.

Yy to the theory that he saw a lawyer and found out how much he’d have to pay you.

Yabu with your stance that your dd and brother should be like you and pretend that nothing happened. They are taking this stance because they love you and think that you should respected even though your posts here scream sunk costs.

For a supposedly nice man, it seems like a lot of people who care for you strongly dislike him. Not without reason I suspect.

It seems that your marriage died a long time ago OP. However if you think that there is something worth salvaging then good luck. As well as asking yourself what you want, perhaps ask why you want it. All the best x

It’s up to your dh to fix bridges and repair the relationship with your family. It’s up to him to instigate a coffee/ lunch and talk things through and reassure them. This is not your problem: and I would refuse to become the middle man.

Most children want warm relations with both parents, so I feel there is something missing in the story about dd: does she know about the affair? Are there others you are unaware of?

I would be extremely suspicious of this change of heart, and suspect the same thing will happen in a few months from now. I don’t think I would trust him under the circumstances.

I've done this. (Not about cheating)
Sadly not everyone is your friend.
Sometimes you just want an ear to bounce ideas and thought around.

OP, you say your daughter cant stand him and wants you to separate, this would be a big red flag to me as she obviously knows him well. What has caused her to feel like this?
You say he had a flirtation which you tried to overcome with counselling. Was there actually more too it than that?

I think you’re being unfair to them.

You’ve chosen to forgive him and make a go of things.

They have chosen to have a higher bar and not want to have anything to do with him.

Both sides can’t understand each other (you can’t understand why they can’t just forgive him too and they can’t understand why you’d let yourself be treated so poorly) but both sides need to respect each others opinions.

I'm Team DB & DD. They can see how it is on the outside and are getting bad vibes.

My DB confessed after I split with ExH that he was shocked by how he behaved towards me sometimes. I saw it as absolutely normal, and spent a lot of time trying to avoid certain behaviours from him emerging. DB is now becoming my friend again, he's been utterly supportive. You will find this yourself, I'm sure.

When you're in a relationship you think you see everything but you really don't. You hope for the best, and think it's better to stay in the marriage than have a life apart. It's very scary, being on your own after so long. I am still in the early days.

Your H is messing you around, he doesn't know what he wants, and he's being a total dickhead. Now you have to decide if it's worth continuing or jack it in. I had a "straw that broke the camel's back" moment, when I decided to jack it in. If the flirting with another woman wasn't the moment you snapped, what will it be?

I’ve been on the opposite side to this.

My friend has told me all of the things her DH has done and painted him in a horrible light and then expected me to forget everything she told me and pretend it never happened.

I cannot pretend to like someone who I think is not a nice person.

IMO either she was lying/exaggerating about how bad he was or she’s expecting me to have as low as a bar as she does.

If you want to be with someone, that’s fine.
But it doesn’t mean that I should have to have a relationship with him too.

It's easier to forgive wrongs done to us, than wrongs done to people we love. For that reason, you cannot reasonably expect your family to forgive and forget - they see that your h has hurt you and they aren't inclined to pretend that it's all okay now! It isn't!

I'd advise you to see a solicitor and find out just how much your h has to lose if you were to divorce now. I'm betting it's not pretty from his perspective. It might give you some clarity on why your h has had a change of heart.

Don't undervalue yourself - after his appalling behaviour he is very fortunate to keep you. You are under no obligation to forgive him according to his timetable or to make his life easier.
Have a think about what you might really want, if you weren't frightened of change or of upsetting the status quo. He might be what you want, but it's my experience that it only works out when the cheater is truly sorry for the distress they've caused, not just sorry they got caught or sorry for the potential upset to their own lives.

I think there's a LOT more to this.

Yes, I can totally understand the family being very upset to hear he'd had an affair, threatened to leave you etc. But if overall you've been together for 30 years and he's part of the family, I would expect that in that situation most families would suck it up/grin and bear it etc, albeit with the realisation that their relationship with him might be different for now or even forever.

So the fact that they've gone to such an extreme, and that your DD hates him, makes me think there's more to it. We are no contact with exBIL and refuse to have anything to do with him. But for years, even knowing how shitty his behaviour was, we supported SIL and accepted him in our lives etc etc. It really had to get to the extreme before we felt that the risk of going NC and how that would impact SIL was worth it.

You say he's done lots for your family... obviously, huge leap here, but that sounds very much like the sort of narcissistic tactics many abusers use. Outwardly kind, generous, helpful but at home controlling, selfish, manipulative. And after 30 years, the chances are the mask slipped often enough that his shitty behaviour to you and your DC wasn't as invisible to your family as you think it was.

This is what I came here to say. In fact, I would go as far as to say this is the complete opposite to being a "great dad".

Your feelings aren’t being validated! Do you really think that your back and forth over your marriage and confiding to your brother what a shit your H has been, should result in amnesia?

You need to grow up and accept that you don’t get to control how your brother feels about your H now that he’s privy to the less attractive side of him. When you say your feelings aren’t being validated, what you really mean, is not everybody is as quick as you to put back on those rose tinted glasses.

Your H buying of a new car for his DD when she was sixteen has absolutely nothing to do with this. I didn’t realise that buying of cars for one’s children, meant that said child should turn a blind eye to subsequent shitty behaviour.

You have every right to continue in your marriage but to think that what happens in your marriage doesn’t impact the wider family dynamic is naive in the extreme.

You say your daughter can't stand her father - this doesn't happen for no reason IMO. There is more going on here.

Your brother is reacting to what you told him about your husband. You can't control how he feels. Probably best to have some space from him for a while.

You say DH was flirting with a woman at work. Was that the full extent of it or did he have an affair? At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to try and save your marriage and you shouldn't look for validation of your decision from your family or anyone else.

“flirted with a girl from work” is surely code for “had a full blown affair and cheated on his wife and children”

if so, im in camp brother and your daughter