Is this division of labour fair?

[Thediminishedwoman]

Husband and I both work. Him director level and works 8-5.30pm everyday. I work term time, I’m a project lead only 9-5 meant to do four days but often have to make up the hours as the kids are home. Mix of home and office for him, I’m mainly home. Three kids (15, 13 and 10). 13 and 10 year old have autism and attend special schools. Youngest is very challenging (violent behaviours, no speech etc). Youngest gets a taxi at 8.50am and is home at 3.40pm everyday.
Chore split - husband mows the lawn, coaches our 15 year old son’s football team one evening a week and coaches the game normally on a Saturday morning, takes out the bins, handles any finance/insurance stuff when they crop up. Sometimes puts washing out and ironing away.

I do all the childcare, appointments, personal care for the children with special needs, work, cook dinner for the kids (they’re not great at eating the same thing), washing up (anything not chucked in the dishwasher), ironing, cleaning. I walk our dog during the week. He will either do the weekend walk or we’ll jointly go with our son. I suffer from joint pains due to an old injury. I also have some other health issues.

Husband is usually out 3 more often 4 evenings a week, and a Saturday morning with his hobbies and our son’s football.

I’m feeling knackered at the moment and worn out. Our sons are very hard work. And it’s very likely I’ll resume full caring duties at some point. Husband thinks I’m very robust and resilient despite me saying I’m tired and worn out. I’m working on a really big project at the moment and work is very difficult. He’s not keen to outsource help but after many conversations he still doesn’t understand that the division of labour is unfair as I feel I’m doing the brunt of it and the thing that’s hardest is the care of the boys.

Tell him he either needs to quit the coaching and do housework instead during those hours, or you need a cleaner.

You getting a cleaner now will be cheaper in the long run and better for you both, than you suffering burn out and having to take time off work to recover whilst he does everything.

If housework & wifework is so easy, why isn't he doing more of it? If it's hard, then he must accept you need support and him contributing more than he currently does.

Pain really drains. If finances allow with the kids plus youngest two needing a lot of attention get a cleaner. What reasons does he give for nit getting in help?

No children with challenging behaviour but I do have some health issues and understand just how much harder it makes everything.

You do quite a lot

I actually think the main problem is that two people both working full time, intense jobs, combined with three kids, two with special needs is just too much work no matter how you divide it.

Can you reduce your hours and/or throw money at getting things outsourced?

Sorry just saw you already said he doesn't want to outsource any chores. Well he's out sourced them to you hasn't he

@Thediminishedwoman

If he is not willing to do more - his opinion on outsourcing help is irrelevant, really.
Do not quit your job - you may need your career of you divorce. And you’ll certainly need it as a break from being a cleaner/cook/etc.

Stop trying to convince him it’s too much - tell him you are going with what you need to survive. Or he can stop his weekly hobbies and do his bit.
Then get hobbies of your own.

Get the chores outsourced and get him doing more with your boys, even it is is just a few specific tasks per week. Being out 3 or 4 nights is too much IMO when there is that much to do at home.

What would you like to happen OP?
If it's outsourcing some of it like getting a dog walker or cleaner what are his objections?

You need a weekly cleaner at least.

I’m not sure what I want to happen. I’ve somehow become the default for most house related stuff. I’m not even sure he’s aware of it despite me mentioning it, he just doesn’t seem to see it. His mother was a cleaner and he came from a very poor background and is quite strange around hiring a cleaner yet doesn’t really want to clean.

I have said about dividing the week up for hobbies even if I just have some quiet time on my own. Our sons are very clingy to me.

I did get an hour adjustment for work but it’s very difficult doing my role in the hours I have now. I couldn’t lose anymore hours to get done what I need to.

I couldn’t see if I was being unreasonable with how things were. I think because I feel mentally burnt out, I’m just feeling a bit resentful. He’s not a terrible husband, I just don’t think he sees how much I do and how difficult it is. I was a sahm for the early years with the kids as I just couldn’t find work that would fit around them and they can’t access childcare.

I'd quit my job/ reduce hours or outsource, especially as you have two high needs kids and as he's a director (and shocked at his short hours for this!) you should be able to afford it.

Get a cleaner and a dog walker.

His being funny about it doesn't trump your need to exist as a person in your own right. Only give up your job if that's what you want to do. Stop talking and start acting more like him, he doesn't see or care that the split of labour is unfair.

@Passingthethyme, it’s one of the only jobs he’s had with these hours. He puts in a few more hours when needed but it’s a much more relaxed environment and the office when he’s there shuts at 5.30 so they all have to leave the site.

Chores aside. I’m a bit saddened that my DH seems to take it all for granted that I’ll just keep on going. the main thing for me is the mental load and dealing with the kids demands and trying to balance a very difficult job and not having the down time to reset. Especially as I think in the future my care needs will only increase.

Can you go away on your own (ie leaving him with the kids) for a few week days - all Mon - Fri preferably.

He will only realise everything you do when HE has to do it.

You can then have another discussion about what is fair.

Who does what is irrelevant it more is one doing something and the other one sat doing nothing

On paper you're working about 2/3 of the hours he is (OP is 4d/ term time=39 weeks, 0.839 vs. 1 52) so you taking 2/3 of the child-care & house-management would be reasonable.

The big item that jumped out to me was dogwalking, one of your adult-sized housemates should help with that. And well, everything else,

You should carve out at least one evening a week when he has to cope with everything in the household without you.

Ultimatum time, cleaner and dog-walker required or he does it. Outsource the ironing while your at it - it's a time-consuming, mind-numbing job.
He refuses, then don't do it either as youve already said youre too busy and the point is, its not your job. Let the grime build up until he gets the message.

If you're in pain he needs to do more dog walking. Maybe he could do 1 walk per day and you the other one. Sounds like you are doing the lions share with DC and around the house chores. Can you put him in charge of changing sheets/ towels each weekend? He could load the dishwasher too. For comparison my DH works full time in finance/modelling/analytics role 37 hours a week but in reality often 40+ hours if busy or deadline. I stay home as I retired early but I drive our foster son to college 1 hour away then an hour home then back in afternoon to collect so driving about 4 hours each day and longer if traffic is bad on motorway 20 hours per week. I cook the evening meal about 3/4 times a week. I load the dishwasher 2 or 3 times a week. I do the dusting. I do most tidying. DH cooks evening twice a week but also makes 2 different home made soups and makes butter. He takes FS to his karate lesson on Tuesdays and I take him to Crav Maga on Wednesdays and DH goes food shopping whilst FS is at his lesson. I put shopping away. DH does laundry, changing sheets and towels on Saturday whilst I take FS to his cricket practice. DH vacuums, peels veg and cleans the kitchen and bathrooms once a week. I do smaller cleans in between. I do most admin type tasks and I run our btl portfolio which takes about 10 hours a month. We both walk the dogs and 3/4 times a week FS walks dogs after college. We both do big shop.

If he thinks the division of labour is fair then ask him to swap for a month and he can do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, childcare and you can have his duties and mow the lawn once a month, have 2 sports days out and take the bin out once a day max.

if he really believes it’s a fair division of labour then he should have no problem with it.

Realistically though, he should split the harder duties of seeing to the children’s personal needs with you and if one of you is doing all the cooking and washing up and cleaning the kitchen after it etc, the other should take on the cleaning of the rest of the house. If one is doing the washing and drying of clothes, the other can do the ironing and putting away. You’re doing the lion’s share and he’s got it easy.

It sounds like you want your husband to anticipate and recognise your needs instinctively. It doesn't sound like he is that type of person. If you have 2 possible 3 autistic children, wouldn't surprise me if he is too.

I think if you want this to work, you need to work out exactly what you want him to do and when and then spell it out to him. I want you to walk the dog on XYZ day. I want to go out on my own on these days. I want you to cook on these days. I want you to do this chore on this day.

My marriage ultimately ended because I was no very good at articulating my own needs (not saying you are, but doesn't sound like you know what you actually want yourself) and my ex was no good at intuitively understanding the needs of others. Sounds like your set up.

Maybe I do need to be more prescriptive and just tell him what to do. But it feels frustrating to have to micro manage someone who has many many direct reports. I think I’m just tired of taking the load plus work. Especially as the projects I’m working on mean I’m the only one with the know how and it’s quite stressful.

I’m mainly just annoyed he is able to do things for himself but can’t do a household chore for us all.

This week:
Monday - was in the office then went straight out to his hobby. Back around 10pm.
Tuesday - same as Monday
Wednesday - Gym
Thursday - Football
Friday - gym
Saturday - half the day football
Sunday - he’s gone to the gym again

I just feel I’m the mug doing all the household chores, all the childcare (our child with Sen are very demanding, the youngest will not leave me alone and is constantly touching me) along with working. My “day off” involves catching up on the work I haven’t been able to do Monday - Thursday as my youngest gets home.

We’ve had so many conversations about this where I’ve asked to split the evenings to safe guard some time so I can spend the evening reading in peace but he doesn’t want to says it’s silly and about how I need more support at home. I’m currently enrolled in a variety of courses to help my child’s speech as the speech therapists we’ve had haven’t been brilliant (we don’t live in the greatest of areas).

In short, I’m just knackered. Mentally drained and worn out.

@Thediminishedwoman I now agree with the poster who said you need to go away for a few days.

He is taking the complete and utter mickey out of you, plus his nonsense about not feeling comfortable with a cleaner (but happy enough for you to do it all).

How has he justified the coaching as a household chore? If he didn't do it, your DS could presumably go elsewhere or someone else would step up to coach?

It's not helping your household, it's not necessary so it's a hobby (on top of the other hobby you've mentioned)

How much hobby time do you get?

He is taking the absolute Michael. I don't think he doesn't see that it's unfair. My dog could see that it's unfair. He just doesn't care. Stop being tired and start being angry!

Husband thinks I’m very robust and resilient despite me saying I’m tired and worn out.

That's convenient for him.

Coaching teams even his own children is hardly in the same category as household chores, that's a hobby in my book.

Don't be 'sad' that he isn't pulling his weight. Get f*cking furious, let him suffer some pain so he starts to take your point of view seriously.

Thinks you are very robust. Yeah, right, he is just letting you get on with it. Not cool.

So I'd start off by changing your hours. Not to mess up your work but to focus on it. You work 30 houra a week? 7.5hrs over 4 days with a 30min lunch - I bet you never get? Shift it to 6 hours over 5 days. Take a lunch break and focus on your work. That will hopefully take the pressure off work and give you a realistic schedule for all. It also enables you to focus on the kids when they get in rather than attempting to do 2 jobs at once.

Next you need to look at the stuff you'd normally do on day 5. That's the stuff that needs redistributing. Appontment - take.it in turns, mid day pick up for illness - take turns. Youre working too remember. Stop trying to be superwoman and shield your husband from all this the 3 kids with their multitude of needs are his too I assume?

Next on the list is to carve out some time for yourself. It is not silly that you sit in your room and read - your husband is saying this to deflect your need as to enable your time he'd have to give up some of his selfish take. He needs to understand. But maybe you need to go out to achieve this - at least until he 'understands' 2-3 nights each would seem fair?

If you can get some time away whilst he's left in the driving seat he will start to understand- assuming he doesn't already - what he does with that knowledge will be telling!