Is this division of labour fair?

[Thediminishedwoman]

Husband and I both work. Him director level and works 8-5.30pm everyday. I work term time, I’m a project lead only 9-5 meant to do four days but often have to make up the hours as the kids are home. Mix of home and office for him, I’m mainly home. Three kids (15, 13 and 10). 13 and 10 year old have autism and attend special schools. Youngest is very challenging (violent behaviours, no speech etc). Youngest gets a taxi at 8.50am and is home at 3.40pm everyday.
Chore split - husband mows the lawn, coaches our 15 year old son’s football team one evening a week and coaches the game normally on a Saturday morning, takes out the bins, handles any finance/insurance stuff when they crop up. Sometimes puts washing out and ironing away.

I do all the childcare, appointments, personal care for the children with special needs, work, cook dinner for the kids (they’re not great at eating the same thing), washing up (anything not chucked in the dishwasher), ironing, cleaning. I walk our dog during the week. He will either do the weekend walk or we’ll jointly go with our son. I suffer from joint pains due to an old injury. I also have some other health issues.

Husband is usually out 3 more often 4 evenings a week, and a Saturday morning with his hobbies and our son’s football.

I’m feeling knackered at the moment and worn out. Our sons are very hard work. And it’s very likely I’ll resume full caring duties at some point. Husband thinks I’m very robust and resilient despite me saying I’m tired and worn out. I’m working on a really big project at the moment and work is very difficult. He’s not keen to outsource help but after many conversations he still doesn’t understand that the division of labour is unfair as I feel I’m doing the brunt of it and the thing that’s hardest is the care of the boys.

Wow. So he doesn’t even come home??? Next weekday night he comes home, you say dinner is your job bye I’m looking after myself for a tiny fraction of the time you do. And leave. Rinse and repeat. In your example above I think this would be Wednesday Thursday and Friday. Of course he doesn’t hear you, his life is so much easier while he only prioritises himself every single day so he doesn’t want to acknowledge it’s very selfish of him. I cannot believe he is out every night.

And stick with it. Your kids aren’t 9 months old. A man who finishes at 5:30 can come home and cook dinner at least 3 nights a week if he wants to keep both some of his hobbies and his marriage . My husband does.

Completely taking the piss.

You have to leave him to it. Let him care for his own children and do some chores around the house

Is be tempted to rent a nice hotel for a couple of days and go relax.

Ignore his views and contact others with Sen DCs/ Social services, ?camhs and find some support for help with DCs. You need proper time off from them. A nanny ? Babysitter? Group day centres?
Anything that gives you a break and they may learn to love.
If he complains point out it would be an advantage to you to divorce and have them 50/50.
Could you go out to work?

Your last message shows a different situation. He isn’t carrying a fair share of the load, you need at least 2 evenings a week to yourself - even if you use them for a slow bath and a book.

Maybe I do need to be more prescriptive and just tell him what to do. But it feels frustrating to have to micro manage someone who has many many direct reports.

I don't think you need to micro manage him necessarily but I do think you need to request him to do specific things. It shouldn't have to be this way but I would make them things that can't be put off - so not things like the hoovering, but things like cooking or laundry. The key thing is to then not step in if he doesn't do them. Ever. Don't be nice and do it just this once etc.

I also think going away for a week would do you a lot of good - make it during the school holidays.

I would give him a deadline on the cleaner thing - tell him, you aren't able to do what you're currently doing, if he doesn't do xyz next week, you're hiring a cleaner.

Also get your 15 year old to do a few bits too - not more than DH because that would be ridiculous but there's no reason he can't walk the dog once a week or run the hoover once a week etc

Essentially you're doing everything and he does nothing. Unbelievable he's actually trying to pass off his coaching as a family chore. You need a major redistribution of tasks - don't posters always mention those cards that help you take inventory? You also need to find ways to get out of the house equally. I get you're exhausted and the last thing you need is more activities, but could you book in something that actually helps with that - say, a regular sauna night?

You should have the same amount of free time he does. Stop doing the housework.

If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.

Of course it's not a fair division. It's ridiculous. Of course you're burnt out. Absolutely farcicle that he doesn't want a cleaner but also doesn't do any of it - Tough shit.

Stop doing it. Get an equal hobby. Just go out. Divorce. Whatever. Something different cos chatting/arguing about it isn't changing anything.

You are struggling and this can be helped either by DH doing more or buying in help.

You will need to make some waves to achieve change as DH is resistant. I would say to him that either he does xyz specific tasks or you are going to get a cleaner and/or whatever else you need. Then if he doesn't do the tasks go ahead yourself and hire the help you need.

If DH won't accept this then divorce him as you can't stay in a relationship that is detrimental to your health like this.

Of course it’s not equal.

weite down everything single thing you to do and go through it with him. Then get him to do it for a week while you do his things.

he doesn’t have time to coach - and that would be something he enjoys

I genuinely don’t understand why so many women put up with this

Thanks everyone. He’s got a habit of seeming reasonable when he’s clearly not. He likes to churn out the “we’re a team line”. Which I’ve said to him isn’t true. He runs his life without any disruptions. I’ve worked out on average with two nights of one hobby, a night football coaching our son’s team, two gym visits and a half day at the football on a Saturday, he’s got at least 18 hours to himself of doing things. He manages to take a lunch break at work yet doesn’t at home I presume to avoid chores. I do feel like I’m being taken for a mug. I suppose why would he change when he has an easy life. I remember him saying years ago (we were married and had the kids) that he liked an easy life. But who doesn’t?! Trouble is, his easy life is coming at my expense.

We’ve had the same conversation at different points over the years. In hindsight looking back, his mother ran around after him and his brother. He was doted upon. I suspect whether he realises it or not that has created an impression. But his mother only worked very part time and had no kids with Sen.

We’re looking at potential direct payments as social services can’t offer respite care.

I’m also going to write down all that I do today in between a meeting with our social worker, walking the dog, trying to do my actual paid job in the 7 hours that my youngest is out of the house. Youngest is very challenging and can’t be left alone so it’s very hard working whilst they’re home.

I have considered looking for a change in hours but this job was originally full time, all year round. I’m not sure I could do the job required in less hours than I do now.

@Thediminishedwoman that sounds exhausting. You need time to decompress for your health.

I would also ask dh what happens when you hit the wall, have a health blip or simply physically can't continue your children's personal care? I know I don't have a tenth on my plate and a recent episode with a slip disc and surgery highlighted the ridiculous uneven split.

Given your child's needs dh needs to ensure you both are taking time, recharging.

I'd create a simple chart for this week - colour-coded for hours spent at work, hours doing household/child chores, free time. Do one for each of you - it'll provide a simple illustration of how unfair the situation is