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Original poster

Wife having affair, what advice for the husband?

64 replies

Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 20:39

A friend has confided in me that he's discovered his wife is having an affair.

He's completely devastated and is just broken. It's heartbreaking to see what he's going through.

She does not know that he's found out so he's just pretending all is ok until he can get over the initial shock.

They have a young child and he's terrified of not seeing them and only having occasional access.

What does he need to do?
At the moment he pays for the mortgage and bills and she pays for food etc.
Who has to move out? Who would get the house or would they have to sell?
Could he get custody or would that automatically go to his wife?

Should he get legal advice and if so from who? He doesn't have money or savings for expensive and lengthy legal advice.

Does he have rights and if so what are they?! Really want to help as it's heartbreaking to see what it's doing to him.

Can someone please provide a list of things that he needs to do, sort out etc.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 17/01/2024 20:50

No one can answer those questions on here

theyd depend on their circumstances

house may need to be sold
they’d need to agree a financial
settlement
noone will get custody - they’d need to work out a parenting and access plan ie where child lives eg 50:50 or eow or some otner

he can seek legal advise before deciding what to do
he can also read up online about the basic principles

Wherearemymarbles · 17/01/2024 20:54

First advice would be to collect his thoughts, even if it takes a few weeks
he does need legal advice,
re who moved out it depends who is going to be the primary carer.
if he can be at home to look after kids, she can move out. If he’s at work 14 hours a day thats not going to be practical.
same for custody but he should aim for and get 50/50

Stampit · 17/01/2024 20:57

How did he find out? Is he 100% sure she’s having an affair?

Does he want to make it work? If so he needs to talk to his wife and see if she does as well and have individual and couples counselling.

If not he needs to get legal advice before he does anything else.

If he’s unsure he needs to take his time and not make any decisions or let her find out he knows.

Original poster
Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 21:08

I don't know how he found out but he has evidence and proof of some sort.

He's not told me much but he seems certain she's cheating and that as far as she is concerned the marriage is over.

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

I guess legal advice is the next step.

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 17/01/2024 21:09

Don't put an apple air tag on her car

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 17/01/2024 21:10

Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 21:08

I don't know how he found out but he has evidence and proof of some sort.

He's not told me much but he seems certain she's cheating and that as far as she is concerned the marriage is over.

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

I guess legal advice is the next step.

More rights in terms of what?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 17/01/2024 21:12

He should arrange a babysitter and go somewhere neutral to speak to his wife about his suspicions.

blackpanth · 17/01/2024 21:14

Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 21:08

I don't know how he found out but he has evidence and proof of some sort.

He's not told me much but he seems certain she's cheating and that as far as she is concerned the marriage is over.

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

I guess legal advice is the next step.

No he doesn't have more rights to full custody

Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2024 21:15

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

That's a total myth. Do you think because she's having an affair that she should lose her child?

PurpleSparkledPixie · 17/01/2024 21:20

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

Divorce was changed last April. You no longer need a reason such as unreasonable behaviour or adultery. Not sure what you mean by more rights as that has never been a thing.

Neither has to leave the house until it is sold. Either can buy the other out or it goes on open market and they split the equity. They will also have to split savings and pensions etc.

RP depends on the age of the child, eg a teenager will have some say in the matter, and a breastfeeding baby will usually stay with the mother for a certain time.

He really needs to see a solicitor to find out his options.

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:22

Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2024 21:15

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

That's a total myth. Do you think because she's having an affair that she should lose her child?

I think what's meant is that if she's having an affair is she then entitled to less financially, which isn't the case, but of course some people may not be aware of that!

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

PaperSky · 17/01/2024 21:25

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Are you the wife? 🙃

MonsteraMama · 17/01/2024 21:26

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

I presume you'd give the same advice to a woman whose husband had cheated on her?

What a ridiculously wanky thing to say.

JustExistingNotLiving · 17/01/2024 21:28

He needs to get some advice from a solicitor
He needs to have a chat with his wife and start looking at options re next steps.
Depending in their respective salaries, work, who is doing childcare etc…. The organisation will be different.
Please tell him to put the child first and foremost.
eg if, at least to start with, dc is staying with his mum, it might be more suitable fir them to stay in the family home.
He also needs to decide what to do re the dcs - 50/50 arrangement or EOW etc… As others have said, it will depend on the age if the dcs etc….
Mediation if they struggle to find an agreement re finances or the children

PieAndLattes · 17/01/2024 21:33

He needs to get his ducks in a row (info. about earnings, mortgages, pensions, savings, debt, passports in safe place, etc.) and then confront her. He needs to know what his ideal outcome would be, know that he’s not going to get it, and be realistic about the minimum optimum for him. Does he want to stay in the marriage? How old are the children?

Nonamesleft1 · 17/01/2024 21:34

Aquamarine1029 · 17/01/2024 21:15

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

That's a total myth. Do you think because she's having an affair that she should lose her child?

Do you think because she’s having an affair he should lose his child?

one of them will have to move out if the relationship is over, and will lose that “normal” parenting relationship with the child. No matter how hard you try, every weekend is not the same as putting the kids to bed every night, living in the same home as them.

whatever he does he should not move out. If he does, he demonstrates he is able to house himself and risks her getting a larger % of the family home. Particularly if she can’t afford to take on the mortgage or remortgage.

he also needs to safeguard any joint accounts so she can’t clear them out if she knows it’s over.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 17/01/2024 21:40

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Like when husbands do the same?

All fair either way. Or neither.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 17/01/2024 21:59

Hi OP - I’m a divorced dad who was in a similar place as your friend. Off the top of my head, the following might help:

  • He should start working out all the financial in and outgoings and chuck everything on a spreadsheet: cost of major assets (house, cars, etc), amounts in savings accounts, cost of mortgage and any other major debts they’re paying off, individual salaries, etc. Solicitors will ask for these things so it will help speed things up and also allow him to make the most of free advice time (see next point).
  • Many solicitors will offer free advice - usually a 20-30 min session - as a means of getting custom, so your friend should take advantage. If he brings the inventory I outlined above that’ll allow more time to ask nitty gritty questions as opposed to spending the session working out what costs what.
  • As stated above, if his wife works less hours and states a preference she will be assumed to be what’s called the Primary Caregiver. This is the person who (usually) will get child benefit as they will (usually) have the kids more often and who’s residence is registered as the kid’s legal home. It doesn’t, however, impact your friend’s access to the kids - other than if he wanted the kids more than 50% of the time and if she was primary caregiver and disagreed, the courts might take this into account when trying to resolve the dispute.
  • Yes, it is a myth that adultery has any effect on who gets what. The courts are interested only in a fair split of resources, - the reasons for the split are irrelevant.
  • Speaking of adultery, it’s often advised to avoid using it as the reason for filing for divorce as a) you need to provide incontrovertible proof (like a photo of them shagging) and b) there’s more loops to jump through and everything gets more drawn out. It’s basically a pain he can do without. His wife may push for a no-fault divorce to save face, however if he feels this would be too galling given her actions, the best option would be filing for Unreasonable Behaviour (he can always cite the affair as one example).
  • If he can, try to work child access arrangements between them - I found pushing for a “what’s best for the kids” narrative kept things away from personal battles. Despite being a cheat, my ex did want to be seen to be a good mother. If he’s used to being involved with the kids a lot already that will work to his advantage. Nowadays there’s far more recognition that dads are co-parents too and there should be no assumption of the traditional “every other weekend only/she has more rights because she’s the mum”.
  • The basic presumption is to split things 50:50. In reality, if he’s the primary breadwinner spending less time with the kids this may err more towards her getting a bigger share to compensate. If discussing with her alone is too problematic there are professional mediation services who can assist (think Relate might be able to help for example).
  • Speaking of Relate, they’d be another great first call for advice.
  • With the house, if finances require it the Court will often suggest selling the property to release funds for both parents to find a new place. If she is designated primary caregiver, his wife may appeal to keep the house for the benefit of the children until they turn 18. However, I believe in this case, she would have to offer compensation from elsewhere in order for your friend to find somewhere of his own (this is what I was told by my solicitor).
  • Child support is of course mandatory. Spousal support isn’t. It’s also worked out per night rather than total time with kids. If the number of nights he has the kids becomes equal (ie they have kids exactly 50:50 nights in a year) I believe he doesn’t need to pay child support and, if they have two kids, can claim child benefit for one of them, even if his wife is designated the primary caregiver (obviously in these circumstances she would be in name only).
  • To those suggesting counselling to try and fix things - don’t bother. I did and the only reason I don’t regret it is because it allowed me to say “well I tried everything, it’s her choice” which made it harder for her to blame our marriage blowing up on me, as the one filing. By and large anyone who is able to lie by carrying out an affair will only lie to avoid being judged in therapy. If people aren’t honest then the whole thing will be pointless. Treat it like chopping off a gangrenous limb that will only get more toxic the longer you leave it.

Hope that helps and wish him luck. It may not feel like it but things will get better.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 17/01/2024 22:02

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Read “Not just friends” by Shirley Glass. Research does not bear you out.

But whatever helps you sleep at night…

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 17/01/2024 22:21

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Actually, I’ll agree on “mutually fulfilling”. For some people not having a spouse appliance who does all the chores whilst they behave like a teenager is incredibly unfulfilling from their point of view.

LorlieS · 17/01/2024 22:26

They won't take the fact she had an affair into account. I mean when looking at child custody the family courts don't even take abuse into account if it's not physical!

Mayorq · 17/01/2024 22:54

Reduce his hours if possible and start to change the routine around the house so he's as close to 50/50 by the time he gets the divorce.

Empty any joint accounts before pulling the trigger on the split

Get the passports for the kids somewhere safe

Ownedbykitties · 17/01/2024 23:16

Actually, I’ll agree on “mutually fulfilling”. For some people not having a spouse appliance who does all the chores whilst they behave like a teenager is incredibly unfulfilling from their point of view.

Definitely!

PurpleSparkledPixie · 17/01/2024 23:35
  • Speaking of adultery, it’s often advised to avoid using it as the reason for filing for divorce as a) you need to provide incontrovertible proof (like a photo of them shagging) and b) there’s more loops to jump through and everything gets more drawn out. It’s basically a pain he can do without. His wife may push for a no-fault divorce to save face, however if he feels this would be too galling given her actions, the best option would be filing for Unreasonable Behaviour (he can always cite the affair as one example).

The law changed last April in England and Wales. There is only the no fault option, nothing else. Where does your friend live?