Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife having affair, what advice for the husband?

64 replies

Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 20:39

A friend has confided in me that he's discovered his wife is having an affair.

He's completely devastated and is just broken. It's heartbreaking to see what he's going through.

She does not know that he's found out so he's just pretending all is ok until he can get over the initial shock.

They have a young child and he's terrified of not seeing them and only having occasional access.

What does he need to do?
At the moment he pays for the mortgage and bills and she pays for food etc.
Who has to move out? Who would get the house or would they have to sell?
Could he get custody or would that automatically go to his wife?

Should he get legal advice and if so from who? He doesn't have money or savings for expensive and lengthy legal advice.

Does he have rights and if so what are they?! Really want to help as it's heartbreaking to see what it's doing to him.

Can someone please provide a list of things that he needs to do, sort out etc.

OP posts:
MissersMercer · 17/01/2024 23:52

Probably an idea to DNA test the child.

strawberrysea · 18/01/2024 00:05

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

This won't go down well on here but I agree

Usernamechange1234 · 18/01/2024 06:41

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Nice piece of completely ignorant writing.

OP he needs to seek legal advice, get an sti check and seek counselling to help him talk. Thank goodness he has such a wonderful friend as yourself. He is going to need it to get over the trauma of all of this.

whyamiawakestill · 18/01/2024 06:45

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

This.

I was going to say has he reflected on why, and then he needs to talk to her, tell her he knows and communicate, maybe find out the why?

If he's not prepared to even do that then I'd say the marriage and communication was already dead.

Simonjt · 18/01/2024 06:49

I’d start to try moving some money around to make sure your financially secure, if they aren’t checked on a regular basis I would move passports and birth certificates to a safe place, if his wife checks them regularly then he needs to as well so he can identify if she removes them, if she does consider reporting the passports as lost.

Get all financial documentation ready and secure.

Get contacts sorted at nursery/school so you’re both priority 1 for all information if you aren’t already.

Put in a flexible working request at work/look into a reduction in hours (even if temporary) to support both yourself, and your children. This can also help to make nursery/school drop off and pick up easier. Or if they could be an issue, look around to see if any local childminders who do wrap around have space locally and drop off at your nursery/school.

Get a comprehensive STI screen.

Get some decent legal advice.

Sarah28x · 18/01/2024 06:56

I can’t believe people are blaming the man, yes we only have his word for it but women can be dirty dogs too and have affairs

Usernamechange1234 · 18/01/2024 07:30

whyamiawakestill · 18/01/2024 06:45

This.

I was going to say has he reflected on why, and then he needs to talk to her, tell her he knows and communicate, maybe find out the why?

If he's not prepared to even do that then I'd say the marriage and communication was already dead.

Show quote history

Would you have given the same advice if it was a woman being cheated on?

It’s victim blaming nonsense. and not supported by any modern day thinking around infidelity.

Women can have deep rooted holes which lead them to seek constant external validation or give them patterns of self sabotaging. They can have addictive natures and get buzzes from affairs: among many many other reasons that affairs happen!

whyamiawakestill · 18/01/2024 07:59

@Usernamechange1234 yes I do give the same advice, affairs are mostly because there is something lacking in the primary relationship.

If they cant communicate at this stage it's potential a bit late. He needs to talk and ask her what happened to enable them the work though or finish the relationship.

If he's just tip toeing around chatting shit to mates. It appears he doesn't have great communication skills and maybe doesn't feel particularly safe in his marriage.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 18/01/2024 09:14

whyamiawakestill · 18/01/2024 07:59

@Usernamechange1234 yes I do give the same advice, affairs are mostly because there is something lacking in the primary relationship.

If they cant communicate at this stage it's potential a bit late. He needs to talk and ask her what happened to enable them the work though or finish the relationship.

If he's just tip toeing around chatting shit to mates. It appears he doesn't have great communication skills and maybe doesn't feel particularly safe in his marriage.

No, he’s doing it right. A cheater’s demonstrated they have the ability to completely gaslight their spouse with no qualms. We must assume, therefore, that , when presented with evidence of their wrongdoing, they will suddenly communicate honestly and transparently as opposed to minimising and trickle truthing in order to save face, avoid consequences and conflict. After all, that’s been their firm so far. The cheater doesn’t have a free pass on communication skills here you know.

Affairs can be because something is lacking in the relationship. They can also be because something is lacking in the cheater’s life with the relationship ending up collateral damage. Or, as I said, one party feels entitled or lacking something many would possibly feel a little unreasonable or that skews the power dynamic in their favour.

It’s the same logic that says “wars break out because people just don’t talk things through”. Sometimes that’s true. It’s also true, however, that some wars break out because some people lack something in themselves that causes them to become unreasonably entitled toward others. WWII didn’t break out because Poland and Britain were “poor communicators”. There was no “both sides are to blame”. It broke out because one side felt entitled to do something others thought was unreasonable.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 18/01/2024 09:26

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 18/01/2024 09:14

No, he’s doing it right. A cheater’s demonstrated they have the ability to completely gaslight their spouse with no qualms. We must assume, therefore, that , when presented with evidence of their wrongdoing, they will suddenly communicate honestly and transparently as opposed to minimising and trickle truthing in order to save face, avoid consequences and conflict. After all, that’s been their firm so far. The cheater doesn’t have a free pass on communication skills here you know.

Affairs can be because something is lacking in the relationship. They can also be because something is lacking in the cheater’s life with the relationship ending up collateral damage. Or, as I said, one party feels entitled or lacking something many would possibly feel a little unreasonable or that skews the power dynamic in their favour.

It’s the same logic that says “wars break out because people just don’t talk things through”. Sometimes that’s true. It’s also true, however, that some wars break out because some people lack something in themselves that causes them to become unreasonably entitled toward others. WWII didn’t break out because Poland and Britain were “poor communicators”. There was no “both sides are to blame”. It broke out because one side felt entitled to do something others thought was unreasonable.

Show quote history

Apologies that should be* *won’t suddenly communicate honestly and transparently.

Basically, it’s worth getting ducks in a row before confronting a cheater, which is what OP’s friend is doing.

Workawayxx · 18/01/2024 09:32

He needs to see a solicitor. Commonly on here, it’s suggested that courts will favour 50/50 where possible. Do he and his W both work and what hours? What’s the current childcare split?

I suggest he takes the time to have a really good think about what is best for the DC and then go for that. 50/50 residence can be really tough on DC especially if they’re going from almost sole care of one parent or are very young (ignore if he already does a decent amount of child care). Also have a think about finances and how it would work.

it’s likely the house could be sold for a clean break but he really needs solicitor advice on that.

whyamiawakestill · 18/01/2024 10:28

@TossACoinToYerWitcher I said "mostly" of course cheaters can simply just be arseholes. I'm not excusing behaviour.

Simply saying his approach to go to a friend shows a total lack of ability to simply confirm the truth. Which indicates a breakdown in communication between the couple.

Bestyearever2024 · 18/01/2024 10:40

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

Jesus Christ....they're out in force today 🤪😜😁

DocOck · 18/01/2024 10:45

At the moment he pays for the mortgage and bills and she pays for food etc. Who has to move out? Who would get the house or would they have to sell? Could he get custody or would that automatically go to his wife?

Having an affair would have no bearing on any decisions on this by the way, it's totally irrelevant. The wife will get what she's legally entitled to and what is reasonably fair and unless there is a safeguarding issue, custody would be shared.

C1N1C · 18/01/2024 10:51

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

I'm going to have to use that the next time a woman comes on here saying she's just found out her husband is having an affair...

"It's a shame you weren't stepping up in the relationship... if you were, he wouldn't have cheated".

Can you imagine the fallout in here!

toddnetworks · 18/01/2024 10:52

Sorry your friend's going through this. Suggest he hit up free legal clinics for advice on rights and custody. Living arrangements? Tricky, but no rush. Selling the house? Maybe, but not a quick fix. Keep an eye on joint finances.

JadziaD · 18/01/2024 10:55

No, he doesn't have more rights because she has made a morally-negative choice.

If they are going to separate, assets will need to be split and custody of the children agreed. Ideally, this would be 50/50 but really, I think in real life it has to be split taking into account who is already the primary carer. But that should be decided between them, or with mediation/court if they can't agree.

Who pays for what currently is irrelevant. What's more relevant is what assets exist and can be split and then, depending now here the children are resident, who pays who child support and how much.

Be careful about getting too sucked in here though. If he's a good friend, sure be supportive, but as a rule, I would avoid getting too involved in anyone's marriage break up short of a sibling or one of my BFFs.

PansyPolly · 18/01/2024 11:02

If he wants to stay in the marriage, I would start by telling her he knows and asking her to think about what she wants and to consider going to counselling with him.

MsMarch · 18/01/2024 11:05

Why is he confiding in you? I appreciate that I can be a bit cynical but if I discovered my DH was having an affair, I wouldn't be confiding in a man.

exBIL confided in a few female friends/colleagues at work about how awful things were at home and that SIL was having an affair. Funnily enough, that was useful as he got a lot of sympathy from them and then, when he moved out (she wasn't having an affair. She HAD been trying to properly end the relationship and get him to move out thought...) one put him up for a while... until she had to ask him to leave because his behaviour was so poor. And then another of these female friend/colleagues put him up, and guess what? She had to ask him to leave too because he basically just moved into her couch for 2 months...

Myhubbyisasweetheart · 18/01/2024 11:09

@Wanna17

No but good women don't either

What she's done is disgusting

DriftingDora · 18/01/2024 11:10

Discontentedpony · 17/01/2024 21:08

I don't know how he found out but he has evidence and proof of some sort.

He's not told me much but he seems certain she's cheating and that as far as she is concerned the marriage is over.

I thought perhaps he'd have more rights given she's cheating but seems that's a myth.

I guess legal advice is the next step.

We have no fault divorce in this country. And unless you know that someone on here is a qualified lawyer, your best advice to your friend would be to get legal advice if he is certain that the marriage is over. Nobody on here, unless they are legally qualified, can tell you with any certainty what the outcomes would be - everyone's circumstances are different and there's bound to be things in this couple's life that you know nothing about, but which are relevant in any marriage split. It does nobody any favours to tell them things that may not be correct.

Have you looked/considered posting in the 'Legal' section?

baileys6904 · 18/01/2024 12:43

MsMarch · 18/01/2024 11:05

Why is he confiding in you? I appreciate that I can be a bit cynical but if I discovered my DH was having an affair, I wouldn't be confiding in a man.

exBIL confided in a few female friends/colleagues at work about how awful things were at home and that SIL was having an affair. Funnily enough, that was useful as he got a lot of sympathy from them and then, when he moved out (she wasn't having an affair. She HAD been trying to properly end the relationship and get him to move out thought...) one put him up for a while... until she had to ask him to leave because his behaviour was so poor. And then another of these female friend/colleagues put him up, and guess what? She had to ask him to leave too because he basically just moved into her couch for 2 months...

Why would a male not speak to his male friend??

And that's an excuse for alluding to it being his fault???

Some posters baffle me, they really do...

MsMarch · 18/01/2024 12:50

@baileys6904 I might have been unclear. I meant that as a woman, I wouldn't confide in a man. I'd confide in my mum, sister, or a female friend. I think unless you happen to be a woman or man whose best friend IS of the opposite sex, that's true for most of us. And that for most men and women, their closest friends are the same sex. So while I have male friends, they're just not the ones I'd go to in the instance of DH having an affair.

I also said that I appreciate I'm being cynical. But assuming that OP is a woman, my cynicism makes me suspicious of her male friend's motives in confiding in her.

K8ate · 18/01/2024 17:00

Wanna17 · 17/01/2024 21:24

Tell him it's a shame he wasnt paying any attention to her before the affair, then she may not have had one!
(I'm not condoning it before I'm lynched but happy women, with attentive husbands, in mutually fulfilling relationships, don't generally have affairs)

It’s a bit unfair of you to blame her dh.
Are you honestly saying she isn’t to blame here?
it’s more likely that she simply enjoys a variety of penis.

olderbutwiser · 18/01/2024 17:09

I was going to come on here to say if he wants to save the marriage, then it's worth having a serious think about what it is she was finding in the affair. It may be the thrill of the new or a younger man or some other thing you have to give up when you marry, in which case his marriage is probably not worth saving. But it may be something that's not unreasonable for her to expect from her spouse - respect or companionship or someone seeing her as more than a possession. In which case it might be possible to mend. But that route is a hard one to accept.

I seriously doubt it's anything to do with the other man's penis by the way.