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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am I being mugged off?

42 replies

lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 15:15

in need of some advice, sorry that this is long. i met my ex on a dating app, we hit it off straight away and after a couple of months of seeing each other he took me on a surprise trip to paris to officially ask me to be his girlfriend. honestly it was like a movie, i was totally besotted by him, and he seemed to feel the same, he took me on another surprise birthday trip too, ive never been with someone who makes that much effort so i was totally loved up and just felt on cloud 9, i thought wow ive finally found a kind and reliable guy who wont mess me aroud.

anyway we both wanted to go travelling this year, around australia/NZ/thailand etc, we had been planning the trip since last september, (at this point we'd been together 7 months) and out of the blue in november he became pretty insistent he wanted to go travelling alone for a few months, and then i come out and join him. i was baffled, the whole point is we were meant to be going together, i didnt want to sit at home and wait months. i told him that i really didnt like that idea, and it wasnt our original plan, but he wouldnt budge, but also didnt give a definitive reason as to why he wanted to go alone. i decided to leave it there for a bit to cool off as he werent in a huge rush to book anything.

a few weeks later he starts becoming distant, i asked if he was okay, if i had done something wrong, if there was something going on and he kept reassuring me he was fine. then out of the blue he tells me he needs to speak to me in person, and he breaks up with me. i was shocked and utterly heart broken. i asked why and he said he felt like he needed to 'work on himself' and be on his own, be single for a while. i was confused where it had all come from, he was seemingly so into me for the first 5-6 months, and just switched up on me. ill be honest i begged him not to leave but he did. i was a mess.

couple weeks go by and we're still messaging, he's being sweet and checking in on me and i was really holding out hope he'd change his mind. however my friend sends me a screenshot of him back on tinder, active and with new photos on his profile (photos i took of him!!), i confronted him asking why he's back on dating apps so soon when he was the one who said he needed to be single and work on himself, at first he said he just needed an ego boost so wanted to chat to some people, but he eventually admitted he had been on a few dates and kissed a girl, and also slept with another girl he met at a club. my head was totally scrambled, i was so upset.

he continued to message me and even brought me an xmas present, and now he wants to get back with me and talks about planning to travel together again. he said he made a mistake and thought the grass may be greener on the other side but realised he was wrong.

what do i do?? i love him so much but i feel like he put me through so much just to come crawling back.. he also still wants to travel alone for atleast a month before i come and join him. am i just being mugged off? or should i let it go and get back with him because at the end of the day i still love him.

OP posts:
SamW98 · 16/01/2024 15:25

Honestly OP I think you are being mugged off sorry.

Hes kept looking out for better offers and when none of those worked out, hes kept you as his back up plan.

Stop messaging and communicating with him. All you’re doing is giving yourself false hope and telling him you’re available for him whenever he wants you to be.

It will hurt but it will hurt even more further turn the line as he really sounds like he wants it all on his terms

Dacadactyl · 16/01/2024 15:28

He's a waste of time.

barkymcbark · 16/01/2024 15:33

He likes the honeymoon period, so will dump you and get back together with you so he gets that 'buzz'. The problem is the more times he doesn't the less 'buzz' he gets so it'll only get worse. Get out whilst you can

AuroraForever · 16/01/2024 15:35

Yes, you’re being mugged off. Have some self respect and ditch the dickhead.

Hbosh · 16/01/2024 15:39

OP, I'm going tos tart off by saying he sounds like a real idiot... But honestly, I'm going to be hard on you as well: so were/are you.

You were going on surprise trips with him, what, a few weeks in? Planning month long travels together after just a few months? Making him out to be the one, after you've only just started to get to know him. Seriously?

He love-bombed you. And worse, you let him. How foolish.
And even now, you still haven't understood what really happened.
You barely knew this guy. He bombarded you with affection and compliments. You know why? Because compliments and loving gestures like that release a series of very addicting hormones in the brain. And these hormones make you desire even more, and more, and more. It makes you crave more of his affection, and it makes you incredibly blind to anything negative about him.

And it also makes you oblivious to the fact that he's still a stranger to you.
You sya you love him. No! Just no! Love doesn't work like that. Love doesn't grow overnight, nor is it addictive or does it give you an adrenaline rush. Infatuation does, addiction does.

What you feel isn't love. It may be dependancy. Love is calm and reassuring, not painful. And you can't love someone you barely know. And why do I keep saying you barely know him? Becasue the fact that you're so heartbroken and surprised by his behaviour, by how out of character this is, shows that you hardly know who he is. It only took him a few months to show his true colours.

Accept you misjudged him, learn your lesson, move on.
And don't let yourself get swept away again.

Whataretalkingabout · 16/01/2024 15:44

Well said, @Hbosh . A lesson for many.

SamW98 · 16/01/2024 15:45

Great post @Hbosh

Hbosh · 16/01/2024 15:49

Just noticed all my typo's though.
My bad for trying to reply too quickly 🤓

Raqu15 · 16/01/2024 16:30

Awww sorry OP but he doesn't want you. Just try and forget about him. You deserve so much better

Crikeyalmighty · 16/01/2024 16:35

Send him a message saying 'oh do piss off'

Can you imagine if you invested time and money with someone with big plans who keeps breaking up every time he fancies 'a bit of a change' - and that's what he fancied- opportunity to big himself up to someone new, someone different to shag- etc, etc - it doesn't matter how much of a connection you have or how well he treated you initially- he is simply unreliable

lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:42

Hbosh · 16/01/2024 15:39

OP, I'm going tos tart off by saying he sounds like a real idiot... But honestly, I'm going to be hard on you as well: so were/are you.

You were going on surprise trips with him, what, a few weeks in? Planning month long travels together after just a few months? Making him out to be the one, after you've only just started to get to know him. Seriously?

He love-bombed you. And worse, you let him. How foolish.
And even now, you still haven't understood what really happened.
You barely knew this guy. He bombarded you with affection and compliments. You know why? Because compliments and loving gestures like that release a series of very addicting hormones in the brain. And these hormones make you desire even more, and more, and more. It makes you crave more of his affection, and it makes you incredibly blind to anything negative about him.

And it also makes you oblivious to the fact that he's still a stranger to you.
You sya you love him. No! Just no! Love doesn't work like that. Love doesn't grow overnight, nor is it addictive or does it give you an adrenaline rush. Infatuation does, addiction does.

What you feel isn't love. It may be dependancy. Love is calm and reassuring, not painful. And you can't love someone you barely know. And why do I keep saying you barely know him? Becasue the fact that you're so heartbroken and surprised by his behaviour, by how out of character this is, shows that you hardly know who he is. It only took him a few months to show his true colours.

Accept you misjudged him, learn your lesson, move on.
And don't let yourself get swept away again.

we went on a surprise trip after 2 months, not 2 weeks, we started talking about travelling 7 months after being official so 9 months total together, not 3 months.

i never said he bombarded me with compliments and affection, i just mentioned the trips and how he was kind.

i get where you're coming from, but there isn't any need to call me foolish, that's unnecessarily harsh. i thought he was genuine and clearly i was wrong. belittlement isnt needed.

OP posts:
lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:43

Raqu15 · 16/01/2024 16:30

Awww sorry OP but he doesn't want you. Just try and forget about him. You deserve so much better

i'm trying :( i don't think i'm going to go back. theres plenty more fish in the sea, at least thats what i'm telling myself

OP posts:
WineIsNotGoodForMe · 16/01/2024 16:44

Block him

lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:45

SamW98 · 16/01/2024 15:25

Honestly OP I think you are being mugged off sorry.

Hes kept looking out for better offers and when none of those worked out, hes kept you as his back up plan.

Stop messaging and communicating with him. All you’re doing is giving yourself false hope and telling him you’re available for him whenever he wants you to be.

It will hurt but it will hurt even more further turn the line as he really sounds like he wants it all on his terms

yeah backup plan is exactly right. i didnt even think of it that way :(

OP posts:
lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:46

barkymcbark · 16/01/2024 15:33

He likes the honeymoon period, so will dump you and get back together with you so he gets that 'buzz'. The problem is the more times he doesn't the less 'buzz' he gets so it'll only get worse. Get out whilst you can

yeah you're right, our honeymoon period was great, he seems to want to pick up where we left off but i just cant

OP posts:
DuchessOfSausage · 16/01/2024 16:47

Block him

lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:48

Crikeyalmighty · 16/01/2024 16:35

Send him a message saying 'oh do piss off'

Can you imagine if you invested time and money with someone with big plans who keeps breaking up every time he fancies 'a bit of a change' - and that's what he fancied- opportunity to big himself up to someone new, someone different to shag- etc, etc - it doesn't matter how much of a connection you have or how well he treated you initially- he is simply unreliable

so ironic i used to think he was reliable and that was something i really liked about him. i guess peoples true colours always eventually show

OP posts:
lilyrose1010 · 16/01/2024 16:51

DuchessOfSausage · 16/01/2024 16:47

Block him

whats worse is he lives on my street so he's so easy to bump into even after blocking 🙄

OP posts:
Menomeno · 16/01/2024 16:51

He sounds like a raging narcissist. He’ll keep reeling you in, then throwing you back. It’ll get harder each time to make the break. Do it now. I promise you he’ll only get worse. You deserve better.

Mabelface · 16/01/2024 16:52

Your pick your dignity and self esteem off the floor and get pissed off with him that he thinks he can just pick you up and drop you when he's feels like it, then expects you to come running when he asks to come back. What a cheeky fucker he is. Tell him to fuck off then block.

samestyle · 16/01/2024 16:53

Suddenly needing to work on himself, it's bs given by players that want to date others and your friend backed this up by showing you proof. I wouldn't trust a word he says, good reason why no one else wants him for long.

Lovelynames123 · 16/01/2024 16:54

Join thr fb group Are we dating the same guy? There are local ones for each area. Post him on the there and I bet you'll find loads of women who are talking to him, unfortunately

ChangeAgain2 · 16/01/2024 16:58

He's keeping you on the hook while he's up to his nuts in other people. You are the fall back. You cant trust him with your heart. You cant trust him with your sexual health. I certainly wouldn't want to be anyone's back up plan.

Singingasong · 16/01/2024 17:01

If you get back with him, he will do the same again.

Vinrouge4 · 16/01/2024 17:33

He is keeping you hanging around in case nothing better turns up. If he meets someone while travelling you won’t hear from him again. If he doesn’t he will be begging you to join him. Don’t be second best. Forget him and find someone who appreciates you.