Was this consensual?

[Mortified1994]

Hi everyone, please be kind as I am having a really tough time.

So I met a 'nice' guy OLD, we have mutual friends from gyms etc. I spent quite a lot of time speaking to him, he said he wanted a relationship etc and after a few dates we were intimate, but afterwards I have been really confused about what happened.

1. I was really quite drunk and remember clearly saying at the start of the evening I was not having s*x
2. He was completely sober, didn't touch a drop of alcohol
3. I am pretty sure I consented but I can't remember an awful lot, I had a terrible week at work and drank a bit too quickly
4. I remember him being really quite rough with me, to the point it was hurting me
5. I told him the next morning I was mortified that happened and I was drunk, and he pretty much hasn't said a lot since or addressed my comment. I've actually blocked him now as he went pretty silent.

I spoken to friends about this and they said it was awful of him, I didn't really see it as that as I didn't say stop or anything. What do you all think? I feel mortified and ashamed of myself. I never usually do things like that.

"I was really quite drunk"

No need to read beyond this. It was not consensual as you did not have capacity to consent.

I'm mortified with myself. I feel so stupid.

You couldn’t consent if you were really drunk. I’m sorry this happened and you have nothing to feel mortified about, the shame is all on him. Do you have support offline?

Are you sure he didn't spike you? It seems odd that you were drunk to the point of memory loss and he was completely sober.

In any case, this wasn't consensual. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I do, thank you! I have never done anything like that before.

@sprigatito I am pretty sure. I can remember bits, just not everything. I don't even remember drinking lots, maybe 4/5 small wines. I can usually drink more and remember.

I think he might have spiked you. No way of proving it now unfortunately. Next time you go on a date (not with him!) look after yourself, drink bottled beer for example and keep hold of it. There are some sleazy fuckers about. Don't beat yourself up about this. You're not to blame.

@MaggieNextDoorthank you! I will, I find it hard to believe he would spike me but either way it says a lot about his character. Definitely not another date with him!

Even if he didn’t spike you, alcohol is the main date rape drug.

You’ve done the right thing blocking him. I’m glad you’ve got supportive friends - sending hugs

You can get in touch with Rape Crisis for support, they are experienced with this kind of abuse.

Agree with this. Me and my friends all have reusable drinks containers with lids that we bought on Amazon. We take them everywhere we go out

I'm sorry this happened to you OP . Can you get yourself to a sexual health centre for emergency contraception and tests?

Generally when you have to ask, then it isn't. I'm sorry that happened to you. I agree perhaps speak to Rape Crisis support.

There are some sleazy fuckers about. Don't beat yourself up about this. You're not to blame.

Exactly. Please don't blame yourself.

I would find out where your local sexual clinic/rape support centre is and speak to them. You are going to need an STIs test and emergency contraception. Speak to them about the possibility of you being spiked. They will advise you on what to do next.

This guy took advantage of you when you could not give consent: you were drunk (or possibly drugged as well), you had make it clear before that you did not want to have sex. He was rough with you.

Basically it sounds like sexual assault to me and you really need some support. If you decide to report they can help you with collecting evidence (your clothes and taking swabs).

When I was assaulted I got support from a local sexual health clinic who had a specialist nurse on site who was used to supporting victims of assaults/rapes and she talk me through the whole process. They won't force you to report it either, they will just give you advice on everything.

It is very weird and suspicious that he drank nothing while you were drinking fast. Either there was a religious reason or he had an agenda.

Either he spiked you to rape you, which seems very likely, or he got you drunk deliberately so he could bully you into violent sex that he knew you didn’t want. That is also rape. And sex should never hurt.

He’s gone quiet because he’s surprised that a rape victim is texting him and doesn’t want to create any kind of evidence. He doesn’t know if you’ve reported him to the police (I wouldn’t bother, there is 99% chance of them doing nothing).

I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Have a cry, listen to some angry music and perhaps also “Drunk Girl” by Chris Jansen to remind yourself how a real man behaves around a drunk woman and how you deserved to be treated. The fact that you happened to meet a rapist is not your fault.

Maybe also call Rape Crisis or talk to a counsellor if you can face it.

@Leyenda thank you so much. He is a boxer and doing dry Jan that was the reason. No I would not report him as I know this, he also has children so I wouldn't do that to him. And I don't want the emotional turmoil of going through it. I will definitely do those things, thank you x

He knew exactly how drunk you were, and he knew exactly how sober he was.

He knew exactly what he was doing.

...And it's very unlikely, it was fully consensual because of your level of intoxication, he is a horrendous individual, and essentially a rapist.

I'd report him.

The fact that you didn't stay stop is irrelevant (lots of people freeze is this situation) Also the comment about if you have to ask it's probably not is nonsense.
You were drunk (possibly spiked) A drunk person can't give consent. Sorry this happened to you, if you feel it would help you can speak to rape crisis.

@ManchesterBea this is why I am so mortified, if he was drunk too I wouldn't feel so bad about it. I can't report him, it's too much turmoil for me, I have just started a new job, he's from a big Irish family, he has 3 kids. I can't deal with the stress of it all, and I know the possibility of conviction is really low. I just want to put it behind me now x

I'm mortified with myself. I feel so stupid

please don’t

decent men don’t get a woman paralytic and then fuck her painfully
seriously they don’t

he’s the bad person
it’s not stupid to have a base level
of trust in someone
sadly this experience will shape you moving forwards

Totally get you don’t want to report him , I wouldn’t either

you could however report him to the app xxx

And look after yourself
it’s a nasty thing to happen and it’s ok to be upset

@Indifferentchickenwings thank you. I feel even worse because he was so nice prior to it happening, it's made me seriously judge if I can ever trust anyone again. I feel violated. I definitely won't report him. Although I would probably have grounds to, I remember stumbling out of the bar. X

I bet he has though. It's not your fault. Sorry this happened, you did nothing wrong. Sending you a big hug. A rape helpline might be worth talking through to process your feelings xx

Ps 'he has children I wouldn't do that to them'

You wouldn't be doing it to them. He's done it to them.

No pressure from me to report - look after yourself - but you have every right to

Mortified1994

you will doubtless turn this over in your head and process this
unfortunately a lot of horrible people come across as nice , otherwise they wouldn’t get on in life x

it really sounds like he drugged you , can you remember leaving your drink when you went to the loo ?

I remember him being really quite rough with me, to the point it was hurting me

fucker , if this is how he goes about having casual sex - shame on him

not shame on you

I wonder whether you could go to the police and do a Clare's law enquiry on him so that you can see if he has a record. It's hard to believe that you are the first person he has done this to. I'm really sorry for you and I do think you were spiked.