Is my husband a bully?

[PurpleAlabama]

Getting pretty fed up of my husband of 2 years (together for 7)

He treats me like his maid, refuses to help around the house because, and I quote, ‘that’s why he has a wife’ his two teenage boys come to us 50% of the time and I’m also expected to wait on them hand and food and cook gourmet dinners every night. They do nothing to help either. In all fairness, I’m not working at the moment but even when I worked full time it was the same.

He does give me an allowance, and we have a lovely home and are lucky enough to go on holidays abroad every year, but his temper tantrums are becoming unbearable.
He is very strict and expects everything to be just so. He is rough with our dogs, and has even hit them, when I get upset about it, he says they need to be corrected. I feel like I am married to a mini hitler. It’s his way or nothing.

He calls me multiple times a day to check the kids are ok, but never me. I feel like he married me just to be a live in nanny. Sex is always on his terms and he demands that I tickle him to sleep every night. The favour is never returned.

Every time he works away he finds something to row with me about, leaving me unable to sleep and generally feeling rubbish. That then leads to total silence and being ignored. The longest we’ve gone with not talking is two weeks. Then it’s always me who has to apologise because I can’t stand it any longer. Despite the fact that I never caused the argument in the first place.

He has zero interest in doing anything as a couple, the kids come first with everything, which I appreciate, but I’m so desperately lacking attention and adult company, I’m contemplating leaving or even seeking attention elsewhere, which is totally against my moral compass.

I have not got the financial independence to just walk. I’m planning to start squirrelling money away for the further. But I have a daughter by a previous partner, who is self harming so I’m trying to protect her from further upset.

When things are good, they’re great. But when he’s on one, it’s horrendous. I’m not even upset anymore. I can honestly say if I never saw him or the kids again I wouldn’t care.

You have answered your own question. Get legal advice on what you would be entitled to in the divorce.

He is a cunt. Why are you letting him hit your dogs ?

Yes
I don’t think you needed to ask really.

I'm sorry but this isn’t going to get any better
Leave

Does your DD live with you?

Is your dd witnessing any of this? And yes of course he’s an abusive bully! , please get away asap and don’t leave the dogs

1). You are his bangmaid. Nothing else.

2). Is it possible that DD would stop self harming if she felt safe and happy and if she felt that HER MUM was safe and happy and that the dogs were safe and happy.

Do you have any family or friends you could go to while you figure out a financial plan to be independent?

Honestly, I’m a frightened of him. I do stand up for them, and it’s not everyday. But even once is more than enough, I know that. I adore those dogs and he knows it. I wish I were stronger 😔

my daughter does live with us yes. She sees her bio dad twice a month. The thought has crossed my mind that she’s doing it because of what is going on, and that kills me inside. I feel so weak, I wish I had more about me to stand up for myself. I’m timid and laid back, I so wish I had more fire in my belly.

You need to leave. Try to get a job as soon as possible.

How old is your daughter?

Op you need to find the fire in your belly for your dd's sake.

Right. It’s time to talk to Women’s Aid and find out your options. Do it today.

Then you can think about your next steps. Mumsnet will talk you through things and hold your hand but Women’s Aid know their stuff.

You cannot live like this one day more than you have to. Stop thinking “I can’t”. Start thinking “ This is going to happen so what is first?”

Take stock of what you do have. Documents. Money. Financial details from the filing cabinet. Set up an online bank account at a seperate bank. Preferably one where you can deposit cash somehow. Use your incognito facility on your phone to set it up. At least one friend in real life. Do you work? Think about telling your boss or someone.

I feel like he married me just to be a live in nanny.
I'm so sorry but yes, he wanted a maid and a childminder. Based on your post it doesn't seem as though he even likes you

I have a daughter by a previous partner, who is self harming
Your DD is desperately unhappy and it's probably because of her home life. You would probably help her by taking her away from this vile man. Take the dogs too, or inform the RSPCA they are at risk of abuse/injury if you have to leave without them.

It's time. No annual holiday or nice house is worth this.

EDIT - If you are frightened of him then I agree with pp. Contact Women's Aid who can support you.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

Do you think your daughters mental health would improve if you left?

Maybe you should get a job so that you can find some independence? Obviously you need to start planning for a life away from what sounds like a very toxic environment. Have you family who could offer some support?

So to summarise your post, He sees you and your daughter as lesser because you’re women
He’s treating you as though you are a maid, nanny and sex doll
he stonewalls you which is abusive
he hits your dogs
youre scared of him
I think you already know the answer
good luck

@PurpleAlabama a bully? No, he is an abusive, controlling twat!

This is not how we treat those we love. He is 100% abusive and has you all under his thumb because that's the way he likes it. He enjoys bullying everyone.

OP, you need to leave him. This won't ever get better and he will get worse as time goes on and he is unchallenged.

This man does NOT love you. Not one bit.

Do it for your children. Show them strength and that this is not real love.

He's an abusive bully, yes.

See a solicitor, find out what you would be entitled to in a divorce, and start the ball rolling.

Does your dd live with you?

Is your dd self harming because he's abusing her?

A bully is too generous a word for this horror.

In your situation my plan would be to get my daughter some help if you’re not already, get a job, get one pay check and GTFO.

In fact -screw that just leave right now.

Get a solicitor, it won’t get better and meantime you and your daughter are living on a hellish situation. Prove to her that things can get better when you take positive steps.

It's time for you to plan your exit. Agree with pp, get advice from WA to do it safely. Your daughter needs peace in her life. This man is a shitbag.

Fucking hell OP, you need to get out. I'd apply for a job, any job you can get and then research what UC you'd be entitled to, rent costs etc. You have to get your child out of this abusive home. See a solicitor about divorce. You haven't got time to squirrel money away. Call Women's Aid. This man is dangerous to all of you, including the dogs. You have to get creative and proactive. Life will be so so much better without him in it. No nice house or holidays is worth this. Good luck

Yes, this man is a horrible bully and life with him sounds soul destroying.

You need to start planning your life without him but keep it to yourself as you don’t want him getting wind of your plans and making life even worse for you. Look for a job and start putting money aside secretly. Open a new bank account if necessary, an online one like starling or similar so he doesn’t know about it. Squirrel money away, a little bit at a time. As others have said, women’s aid will be able to help with advice too.

You need to get yourself and your poor daughter away from this man. Both your lives will be a lot better even if it’s hard at first. Short term pain for long term gain. You can do this, keep posting here for support and just keep going with your plan.

You urgently need to leave this horrendous arsewipe. You, your DD and your dogs are all being badly abused.

Women's Aid can help you, so call them now.

What's the situation with your DD's bio Dad? Could DD spend more time with him while you work on getting all of you safely away from Arsewipe? Or is he equally as bad in different ways?

Women's Aid today, with a view to getting all of you safely out of there.

Get a job and leave.
Anyone that abuses animals is a twat.