Is my husband a bully?

[PurpleAlabama]

Getting pretty fed up of my husband of 2 years (together for 7)

He treats me like his maid, refuses to help around the house because, and I quote, ‘that’s why he has a wife’ his two teenage boys come to us 50% of the time and I’m also expected to wait on them hand and food and cook gourmet dinners every night. They do nothing to help either. In all fairness, I’m not working at the moment but even when I worked full time it was the same.

He does give me an allowance, and we have a lovely home and are lucky enough to go on holidays abroad every year, but his temper tantrums are becoming unbearable.
He is very strict and expects everything to be just so. He is rough with our dogs, and has even hit them, when I get upset about it, he says they need to be corrected. I feel like I am married to a mini hitler. It’s his way or nothing.

He calls me multiple times a day to check the kids are ok, but never me. I feel like he married me just to be a live in nanny. Sex is always on his terms and he demands that I tickle him to sleep every night. The favour is never returned.

Every time he works away he finds something to row with me about, leaving me unable to sleep and generally feeling rubbish. That then leads to total silence and being ignored. The longest we’ve gone with not talking is two weeks. Then it’s always me who has to apologise because I can’t stand it any longer. Despite the fact that I never caused the argument in the first place.

He has zero interest in doing anything as a couple, the kids come first with everything, which I appreciate, but I’m so desperately lacking attention and adult company, I’m contemplating leaving or even seeking attention elsewhere, which is totally against my moral compass.

I have not got the financial independence to just walk. I’m planning to start squirrelling money away for the further. But I have a daughter by a previous partner, who is self harming so I’m trying to protect her from further upset.

When things are good, they’re great. But when he’s on one, it’s horrendous. I’m not even upset anymore. I can honestly say if I never saw him or the kids again I wouldn’t care.

Judge Judy:

“Once a woman gives up financial independence to a mate, it’s over.

You have to be prepared, because if you’re not prepared, then you’re stuck and more women have to accept lifestyles that are unpleasant, because they are financially stuck.

So if you’re smart, you teach your daughters, teach your granddaughters - everybody has to have something that they’re good at, where they can earn a living.”

Because he works and you don’t and he gives you pocket money and pays for your lovely fancy home and pays for your lifestyle with the holidays and probably more luxuries, I think in his head he is paying you and when you pay someone you usually are paying for goods or a service. So he probably thinks, here’s your money, now take care of me and my kids. Here’s your holiday, so make our food. Here’s your lovely home I’m paying for, so tickle my back every night and give me some loving. He’s vile btw, I’m not disputing that or condoning what he’s doing but I’m saying he’s lost all respect for you as he sees you as a service of some sort, rather than a partner.

I’m not saying he’s right as a marriage is a partnership and you’ve taken on raising the children etc I get that. However, my DH begged me to give up work when we had kids. We’ve had many arguments over it (especially with our 2nd DD) as he said I’m paying to go to work as childcare etc is just extortionate. I just could not allow myself to be limited by ‘his’ funds. The idea of being given an allowance makes my skin crawl - I’m not 12. So many women tell other women to marry so they’re protected. I’d say train in something, get qualifications, get work (even if part time) make your own money to protect yourself.

How the hell has it come to this?
How did you allow yourself to get into this kind of dependency (why does any woman?!!!).
Yes he’s a bully.
You need to see a lawyer asap.
How have you not go your own money at all? Sorry my mind boggles. It’s 2023!

Ah, you said it much more succinctly than I did, but yes, yes yes! 100% this.

'He is rough with our dogs, and has even hit them'

By staying with him you are supporting an animal abuser.

After he hit one the first time why didn't you report him?

You seem more upset about having to cook his dinner than for innocent creatures who have no choice but to live there and be hurt. You do have a choice and you are continuing to live there.

Get him out or you and your dogs leave even if you have to surrender your dogs because they deserve better.

@MillicentRogers im sorry but I think that, just right now, the dogs are not the most important issue. And having a go at the OP for not protecting the dog when she is being abused and has a partner that could well turn violent is distasteful.

You don't need to squirreling money you need to leave. The full dynamic is highly toxic. Your daughter will be better without him in your life.

Don't get confused by the good bits. Just make an plan and get out the sooner the better.

@PurpleAlabama your DH is abusive full stop.
And a misogynist that thinks women are there to serve him.

Have you called Women Aid for advice?
Id also go and see a solicitor to see where you stand financially. And CAB for information of UC etc…. Any help you can have.

The good thing is that you don’t have children with his man.
Now you need to put yourself and your dd out of his reach so he can’t hurt either of you anymore.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to and could support you? Family, friends?

You need to leave now OP. Stop saying you’re timid and scared, stop with the excuses and leave him. The power is in your hands to leave.

How is berating the OP going to help her exactly?

She is being abused. That’s what abuse does to people. It’s not because she has ‘allowed herself to become that dependent’. It’s that she is in an abusive relationship.

It takes in average 7 goes for women to leave that sort of relationship. The OP will be better supported in leaving than being made small and giving up (once again?)

Please get your daughter and dogs out of that situation you all deserve better than this disgusting cruelty.
How you can allow someone to hurt animals and stay with them is beyond me.

Seriously, why are you even with him??!

You need to see a solicitor, you're married so you would be entitled to the house / pensions etc a solicitor can advise you of what and roughly how much with details you can provide.

Get your ducks in a row and leave.

No-one deserves to live unhappy.

Any bet that he causes an argument and gives you the silent treatment while he's away is because he doesn't want you to contact him while he's away. Screams affair.

Can you sell some things to raise extra cash?
Own any designer bags or unused games Consoles for example?

I hope your daughter is safe from the teenage boys who stay over. Especially considering what their dad is like.

Were there really no signs of this before you lived/married him? Why have you given up working full time? You need to find work again. It's not your job to be their nanny, they are his DC's, so he should be looking after them primarily, with some assistance off you. Sounds like they are old enough to look after themselves if teenagers so it shouldn't stop you from working and then you can save faster.
You really need to protect your DD, talk to her and ask her if the situation is affecting her and would she be happier if you left.
Does she get on with his teenagers or is there bullying from them with her? Sometimes the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, so it would not surprise me. She might be relieved about your plan to leave. Make it happen as soon as you can - job, rent deposit, then go.
I'm sure he was only too pleased that you gave up work as he wants complete control over you and given how you describe yourself, he probably picked you out for those traits so you would be too afraid to do anything. Draw strength from the need to protect your DD, her needs are urgent.

Every regular MNetter has seen this stuff over and over again, so most people are going to sympathetic and rightly so. But not if you are allowing this man to abuse your animals and your DD is also suffering. Be weak for yourself, but not for those who can't defend themselves or have no choice. Maybe that will put some "fire in your belly". Protect those who can't protect themselves that's your job OP. Is there any chance your DD can go to live with her dad at least for the time being? or was he just as bad?

Don't enable this abuser. If you can't put yourself first, put your DD first.

I know it's not the point but I'm sitting here thinking why the hell did she marry him?! Was he ever nice?

I feel like you have very low standards. A bully? He's so much worse than that; he's highly abusive and you amd your daughter's lives are in danger.

Look, she's already exhibiting markers of extreme distress, and you are afraid of him. It's insane to stay a moment longer.

Agree with the posts suggesting urgent advice from abuse support services. Long term you need to try to understand why you've been accepting this abuse. Until uou learn how you got into this situation and how to keep yourself safe, you remain at risk.

Were there really no signs of this before you lived/married him?

lol.
if there were some obvious signs, women wouldn’t marry an abusive twat.
Being abusive always shows later. When the partner is ‘hooked’. Maybe they got married. Maybe they now have a child etc…
And it’s always a slow progression, frog in boiling water situation. Not suddenly, a switch is turned on and the guy becomes impossible to live with.

However, before the woman realises what’s going on, the abuser has been chipping away. Chipping away at their self esteem, at their self worth. They’ve made think they are nothing, aren’t able to do anything, aren’t worthy.
And telling those people off, telling them they are no good because they dint protect their own dcs is simply doing what their abuser is doing to them everyday. Telling them they are stupid, that they can’t do anything right.

How that is supposed to help is beyond me tbh.

Fucking horrific post!
Leave...just leave and take your Daughter and the dogs with you

I am really sorry but you have to muster all your strength and leave - you have to safeguard your child and your dogs. That needs to be your focus. In the next week:

• talk to women’s aid - you need to leave asap
• get legal advice
• if you are scared call the police
• keep a diary of everything as evidence and start to move things of value and documents out of the house
• is there any benefits you can apply for
• do you need to see the GP would support for low mood etc help? could you self refer to IAPT for wellbeing support?
• there may be charities that will take the dogs while you get safe and give you them back once you have your own space

Are you ok @PurpleAlabama?

I imagine some of the above was tough to hear. Even the empathetic responses.