Romantic weekend away was a wake up call!

[Lmlrts]

Hello!
Would really appreciate some advice, constructive criticism, or anyone who’s been there.
Been with partner over ten years, have 3 beautiful children with him. Have always found him attractive, still do. We have just been on our first weekend away together without our children and I realised we have probably been stuck in a rut for years and actually have little in common! I was looking forward to the trip so much but we spent a lot of the time in silence or bickered about opinions. We never laugh together, the trip with him wasn’t fun - which I’m not blaming him for, we just don’t seem to gel. I like to talk, he’s not a big talker and likes to take naps in the day whereas I’d like to chat. He’s a great father and a good person. It’s really opened my eyes to how much we don’t really get on but are physically attracted to eachother. Am I expecting too much? I really don’t know what to think. He is a good provider for the kids, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t treat me bad. Should I just have my fun with my friends? Or can you have someone that you are physically attracted to but can also make you laugh and talk into the night with! I feel like time is passing me by but I also worry about letting go incase I regret it,

So how did it go when you started dating. Surely you had little in common then no?
If so, how did it progress to having 3 DC's together?

You also need to consider whether he noticed the same. Probably an honest conversation is due? Otherwise you risk plodding along until he meets someone he does 'gel' with...

Could you be out of practice?

When you have spent years including kids in child version, talking about the kids etc maybe it takes time to reset as a couple.

Try more regular time together, including things to talk about, maybe cinema, gigs, or agree to read the same book at the same time? (I know a close couple who do that, I thought they were bonkers but it worked).

Is there a shared activity you would like to take up?

Or SHE might meet someone that makes her laugh and doesn’t cat nap constantly.

Another vote for reading the same book (just discuss when the second person reads), seeing a play, film, whatever together. Dh were like this as we forgot what to talk about anything other than our DC’s nappy output etc. The Traitors on Iplayer actually inspired some really interesting convos and I’m sure we learned a bit more about each other.

I personally would be wary of thinking the grass greener- then finding yourself in the same position ten years or less down the line with a man who isn’t as great as your DH…

So many typos sorry!

Ps we banned work talk and also did some cooking classes together: truffle making, wine tasting, sushi… We had such a laugh over a bottle of wine. Really recommend!

It's definitely a wake up call that you both need to work out how to reconnect.

It sounds like he has quite a lot going for him, not least that you still fancy him, so isn't it worth working on rather than thinking it's game over based on just one weekend away?

We have been together 20 years and still get on very well. We often play board games together - not monopoly 🤣 there are some brilliant board games and we love collaborative ones where we can work together to solve problems. Pandemic is particularly good.

It sounds like youy forgot to nurture your relationship once you had children. It happens far too often.

You need to spend more time together, reconnecting it. Take up some joint activities, actively look for things you can share together, and look for what it was that had you fall in love in the first place. Would you be receptive to relationship counselling together? That worked wonders for my best friend.

Sometimes people find they've grown too far apart to find common ground, but if you care about him, it's worth making the effort to see if it's a salvageable.

You know how people say relationships take work? Well, this is what they mean. You've had your wake up call so listen to it and actively decide to make a change. You need to work at this, to find things in common and have common experiences that don't involve the children . Losing touch with each other when you have little children is really, really normal so just be pleased you've realised now so you can do something about it.
And don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to be the same as each other to be together (I like to chat, he likes to nap...) you don't have to be the same but you do have to have shared values and goals. So find these, and concentrate on them.

It would be really great if there was something to stop men sleeping in the daytime.

You just need more practise. Keep having time alone together where you can and I'm sure you'll get back into it. You're probably stuck in boring parent mode. AND THE FUCKING NAPS!! JEEZ!!!

The best married date DH went on, was a day visiting a modern art gallery- we both thought it was pants, but had some great discussions about it all and we had a real laugh.

Did you have the weekend planned as a romantic one? Maybe it was setting expectations a bit high if you have not had much time alone.

As pp, an activity might be less pressure and give you something to talk/laugh about.

I remember a romantic break and being a bit bored being an early riser to spend all morning doing my own thing while he slept.

I had a similar experience in Venice for our 15th anniversary. I thought we were there to see that amazing city and experience their idiosyncrasities but DH just wanted to f**k in the hotel room. We went about and did lots of things but he was always wanting to go back to the hotel room ...
So if you still fancy your DH, be glad; try building on that at nap time?
After that trip to Venice, I tried the shared interests, encouraging UK weekends away, trying to watch the same telly, etc but he didn't catch on.
And for all people say 'the grass is greener where you water' it or 'you get out what you put in', are the men doing that? I reckon they don't even notice when DWs are trying to keep their own embers glowing. Even when I told DH that was what I was doing, he still couldn't muster.

Thank you so much for all your replies, I really appreciate every one!
Yes maybe my expectations were too high, I just thought there might be a bit more conversation and laughs. I think he feels bored of me too as he seemed to get irritated a lot by things I did/said. It’s a bit of a soul destroyer when they’re napping again, maybe I take it too personally! I’m just craving a bit of fun. We’ve always had the kids and I didn’t realise how much I chat to the kids at home so probably don’t notice that we don’t talk that much! I got pregnant early on in the relationship.
I will try to make more effort to see if I can find time for us to do more.
Thanks for all your input!

What happened in the end? X x

Tarheelbaby x

A cliche but people grow in different directions but doesn't always mean it's over. You need to remember how to be partners rather than parents only and find some common ground. Cooking a meal together that you've never cooked before is something marriage counselling often suggest trying.

I think @TempleOfBloom might be right. You might just have forgotten how to enjoy each other's company. Also, if you both work hard then maybe he saw this as a "break" rather than a "romantic break". I love a wee nap in the afternoon!

Oh, I have a napper here too! (Man form, not toddler..)

I found the elusive weekend away too intense- too much pressure to be swinging from the chandeliers and be carefree like we were 10 years ago, but we’re not and I just wanted to go away for some peace!

(as a previous poster said, I think as long as you have shared values and goals and agree on the big stuff, finances, raising your children, I really don’t think it’s a big deal if he likes fishing, you like cycling, or you don’t want to read the same book etc!)

I'd avoid the 'romantic meal' as a date night too. Find something where you are doing something not trying to fill the silences.
And
(as a previous poster said, I think as long as you have shared values and goals and agree on the big stuff, finances, raising your children, I really don’t think it’s a big deal if he likes fishing, you like cycling, or you don’t want to read the same book etc!)

I think your expectations were too high. You expected an unrealistically perfect trip away and it didn’t live up to that so you were disappointed. You’re also most definitely out of practice because you haven’t spent time alone for so long, you need to learn how to communicate with him from scratch.

Lol, MN...

MN will always tell you to leave. He's only 99%, you can do better...

Sometimes I wonder whether it's because others only have 70% and want a better one to enter the market.

My opinion, I think this is natural after a relationship of 10 years. You're comfortable, but not enthralled. Conversation will diminish because you know everything. You know what the other thinks without even saying it. I'd say get the excitement and conversation with friends and new people, but know you have a loving pair of arms to go home to.