Romantic weekend away was a wake up call!

[Lmlrts]

Hello!
Would really appreciate some advice, constructive criticism, or anyone who’s been there.
Been with partner over ten years, have 3 beautiful children with him. Have always found him attractive, still do. We have just been on our first weekend away together without our children and I realised we have probably been stuck in a rut for years and actually have little in common! I was looking forward to the trip so much but we spent a lot of the time in silence or bickered about opinions. We never laugh together, the trip with him wasn’t fun - which I’m not blaming him for, we just don’t seem to gel. I like to talk, he’s not a big talker and likes to take naps in the day whereas I’d like to chat. He’s a great father and a good person. It’s really opened my eyes to how much we don’t really get on but are physically attracted to eachother. Am I expecting too much? I really don’t know what to think. He is a good provider for the kids, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t treat me bad. Should I just have my fun with my friends? Or can you have someone that you are physically attracted to but can also make you laugh and talk into the night with! I feel like time is passing me by but I also worry about letting go incase I regret it,

I have 3 DC, with a 4 year gap between DC1 and DC3 and I remember me and DH struggled when they were young but youngest is now 10 and our relationship is so much better but we talked about things to try and improve our relationship. Everything is so much better now!

Sometimes when you start a family and focus on your dcs, you kind of lose yourself and who you are. Probably if you had gone on a longer trip, you would reconnect again. I found this when my dcs were young - we just grew apart a little for a while. I definitely wouldn’t write off the marriage based on this. You just have to have more date nights perhaps, and not lose sight of each other.

Great advice! For your kids and for yourself, time to put your back into it.

That makes it sound like it’s going to be ‘hard work’ putting your back into it! Op, I would concentrate on each of you making it pleasurable for yourselves and your own needs - and then discussing and sharing the experience. Good massages, fine food, indulgent baths, great theatre or fun days out and enjoy the feeling of meeting your own nerds first. Your dh sounds exhausted. I think gradually you can reconnect that way, and not to to put too much pressure on it being ‘romantic’

Agree with PP who have said you're probably just out of practice. Me and DP went on an amazing - and much needed - holiday last year and the first few days were not great! It takes a while to decompress, come down from work, life, kids etc and get into the swing of it just being the two of you 24/7. After that we had a perfect holiday but certainly wasn't instant when we landed! As others have said, don't put pressure on it being a "romantic" break. Maybe your husband just wanted to chill out if he doesn't get to do that very often?! I wouldn't worry too much, just try to keep doing small things (I hate the phrase "date night" but that kind of thing) more often and get used to just spending time in each others company again. I wouldn't base my entire life decisions on one weekend away!

Agree with doing stuff together like games and projects. I've never much liked jigsaws but they are pretty mindless so are good when tired and DH and I found ourselves talking about stuff for the first time in ages when we decided to do one together.

Also making the effort to do fun stuff alone so you have something to talk about/feel a bit more like yourself. I know how tempting it is just to slump when you're knackered but doing things you enjoy is just as restful and more nourishing.

If the sex is good - and I mean good for both of you, I think some people read that as 'he still wants to fuck me' - that can take you a really long way ime and suggests that the foundation of attraction is there still, you just need to remember why you like each other.

As an aside, a husband or wife can never be everything to each other. Soulful conversations are much better with other women in my experience!

Or can you have someone that you are physically attracted to but can also make you laugh and talk into the night with! I feel like time is passing me by but I also worry about letting go incase I regret it

The honest answer is, yes some lucky people do find someone who ticks every single box. But the chances of you magically finding that person if you leave your marriage are slim. Sounds like your relationship has an awful lot of positives and the chances are you would do worse if you split rather than better. Not to mention impact on DCs.

As PP have said you are better off trying to improve the relationship you’ve got rather than thinking of some imaginary perfect man. The napping is infuriating I agree but maybe he is just knackered…

I think one Romantic Weekend after ten years of the daily grind of raising three children is quite a lot of pressure to perform in terms of staring into each other's eyes, having meaningful conversations which reunite your twin flames and laughing joyfully while frolicking in a frosty meadow etc. It's like those men who run their wife a bath after she has changed the quintuplets nappies all day, and expect her to be instantly relaxed and in the mood for sex. So I wouldn't judge the strength of a relationship by that alone.

I agree with the posters suggesting you find ways of reconnecting that can be worked into your daily lives. If you regularly spend time alone together (even small bits of time) you will be in a better place to enjoy a weekend away.

This is not uncommon. Occasionally we used to go out for a meal together during the child years and we would find we could not make ourselves talk about anything but the children!

This is a bit of a wakeup call I guess - maybe try and build in the occasional time together if you can - good practice for when the children fly the nest. It does not mean that all is lost - you just need to find moments to reconnect. Do you have any shared interests?