Should I just tell partner I don’t want to visit his parents?

[Strawberrywine1]

Every time we go I end up feeling rubbish. I feel awkward around them, we have basically nothing in common and they leave me out of conversations. It’s been years now and I’ve tried but I sit there feeling alienated.

We have a group WhatsApp and I’d like to leave that also as it’s nothing to do with me, it’s all between them and the other brother and family. I literally can’t join the conversation as it’s about people I don’t know, an area I don’t come from and hobbies they all share and I don’t. I’ve tried to include myself but I feel like a twat doing so.

The brother and his family (gf and kids)have been established for over 12 so they are all tight and in most definitely an outsider and hate the feeling. We visited the brother yesterday and his parents were there. Turns out they visit the brother almost every weekend. They have visited us once in 3 years. We have a daughter together.

Does the distance allow you to avoid it? My DH knows I need some headspace sometimes so often makes excuses for me when he visits his parents (who are quite difficult but luckily he recognises that so we can talk openly about it). Works for us.

Mute the chat I think, then you can check in on it as and when you remember, if there’s anything you need to know, your partner will let you know/“remind” you I’m sure, that’s if the sender doesn’t @ you directly so you see it. You don’t even have to tell him you’ve muted it if you don’t want to.

Definitely talk to your partner about how you feel about visiting though.

Of course they talk about people you don't know but you are included in the chat at least. You sound like you have difficukty letting them in .. have you ever asked about them in the chat. Eg Robert? Did he live in your village ? I didnt know him. Sad news
Etc

You need to engage so they can include you

@Maddy70 it’s difficult as they are talking between each other, as in @…. It’s not an open conversation. I feel like I’ve stepped into a click at work and it’s all whispers etc

Yourew massively overthinking this. They are a family and you have stepped into it. They are including you in their group chats etc you are an outsider unless you make the effort too. You have to include them

I have included them, I’ve invited them over for dinners and parties numerous times. I just get the feeling I’m not the kind of person they wanted for their son. They shoot down my comments about their son changing the babies nappies saying that’s my job not his etc. The other DIL is a perfect one to have, dotes on the kids and their son, he does nothing in the house and she is at home all day, doesn’t speak up etc. I tried to be like that but I’ve been through too much in my life to just be that kind of women, I expect him to do stuff at home.

@Strawberrywine1 No don't say that to your partner at all. Unless you want him to resent you and cause even more of a divide! I come from a very big, very loud family. Every time we get together my DP just sits there looking bemused because everyone is talking over each other and telling stories. He joins in more now we've been together longer - when he feels he can get a word in edgeways! - but mostly he is just happy to sit and observe. Two of my uncles are exactly the same. Of course they're going to talk about people you don't know - you didn't grow up with them! All you will do by not visiting them is alienate yourself even more. Accept that they're a family, find ways to connect to them (maybe individually - similar hobbies / interests maybe??) and just be a part of it in your own way.

Does DP want / insist that you go with him? If not, just pass.

Just mute notifications. Leaving the WhatsApp would be very rude and would definitely make you even more of an outsider than you feel now.

There's no need to make a big deal about it.

No law says you need bother.. My life became less stressful when I stopped going to the ils.

Just don't go, he can go by himself. Sounds like there is no love lost on either side.

@Caffeinedetox that’s what I worry about doing. I think for me though it feels like they don’t like me as a partner to him as I’m not hugely traditional and they are.

Stop going, invite them to things as usual but don't go to theirs. Life is far too short to be tiptoeing around others to make them comfortable whilst making yourself feel awful.

Let him know you don't feel included and you'd rather not visit but you hope he has a lovely time. My dh doesn't visit my dad with me very often and I'm fine with it and my dad isn't turning himself inside out about it. You don't have to be rude or emotional about it just state the facts and enjoy the time to yourself when he goes.

I agree with pps don't overthink this, just detach in a neutral manner.

I'd probably just make some vague excuse up, imagine you must be busy with illness and work and your child ;-). They can judge you or whatever, you're not there to notice. Mute the WA group.

I do know what it's like to have people consistently just talk over you or sideline you, and honestly youre not imagining it and it will never change

No point throwing good energy after people like this. How hard is it to discuss neutral topics occasionally, or ask after someone even if you're not exactly the same?

Just put your energy into your own life and enjoy all the extra time.

I think you'll feel like a weight has been lifted, and after a year you'll be wondering why you even bothered

(and don't get sucked back in -

Hopefully that will be it but sometimes people who treat others badly get offended that they don't come back for more exclusion!

Just deflect and ignore)

Mute the chat and tell your husband you think he'll enjoy the family visits more without you. Life is too short to waste your time doing things you don't enjoy out of some misguided sense of duty.

They've done this, not you.

You need to detach

A weird family is a red flag, however nice the guy is when you are dating. That sounds a shame- but when you commit to someone, you join a family, and the angst isn’t worth it.

Obviously, the horse has bolted now- so you need to detach and get over it. They have always been odd and cold, and that’s that. Tell your boyfriend that he needs to deal with his family and organise gifts/visits.

I’ve had a word with my partner last night about how I feel and that I feel awkward around his parents and not really part of the family. He said that his parents have never come and visited him really so doesn’t see a problem. He said I’m being mopy.

He has a bit of an issue with throwing away and collecting items, gets attached to things. I wonder if maybe the problem is not me and there has been a problem with attachment.

I know how you feel.

It's really unpleasant to feel you are not liked.

My best suggestions are just try to lower the frequency you are there and that you think about them.

Mute the what's app. Start making noises to your DH about how much he and the kids would love to see them without you.

My ExH never took the kids to see them without me which I thought spoke volumes.

I’m a bit miffed he has just trivualsied how I feel.

I think it sounds like you are maybe trying too hard and expecting too much. If they have visited you once in 3 years (lucky you!), then you don't host them often. They invite you to visit them, so they obviously do care - my MIL hasn't invited me to visit her in 8+ years as we are NC with her partner and he won't allow her to have dh and I over without him there. It's perfectly fine for your partner to go and visit his mum on his own, and it's perfectly fine for you to go sometimes too and just make small talk or listen, smile and nod. You don't have to have loads in common or get on well. As long as there are no reasons why it's unsafe for you to visit, a couple times a year, take one for the team, drink a cup of tea, etc.

As for the family WhatsApp, does it really matter? You don't have to read the messages or join in. But it's nice to stay in the loop in case there is a reason you need to be one day - a serious illness, hospitalisation, etc. I am in a family WhatsApp with MIL, BIL/SIL, and dh. Honestly, I have it muted and I look at it like once every 3 weeks. They talk about all sorts of stuff that I have absolutely no interest in. If there is a death in the family or some other urgent family matter, I expect dh to handle it and respond on our behalf and let me know and then I'll have a look. But it's just a WhatsApp group. It really doesn't matter.

@mindutopia I have invited numerous times for birthdays etc. They have only visited once without being asked but they seem to be at the other SIL every weekend and we live 3 mins drive from them.

Unless his family is doing things which are damaging to you, you really should be very careful about creating a problem between you, your husband and his family. Especially because in his mind, there is no problem at all.

My husbands family and I also have very different values, similar to your situation. They would have preferred to have a daughter-in-law who puts childrens and husbands needs above hers at all cost, has no life, dreams and aspirations of her own, and whose sole purpose in life is to take care of her family. Instead they got me 😆

As long as you and your husband are on the same page and he has the same values and visions as you do, there's really no issue. I tolerate the visits to my in-laws and try to see their good intentions, even though we are different (like: the reason why they want their son with that kind of women, is because they truly believe he would be happier that way. That's all they want, for their child and grandchildren to be happy. Or how despite our differences, his dad still comes out to help us fix our roof and his mother is a really loving and generous grandmother to my kids).
Try to focus on the positive, on the good intentions, and on the things that you do have in common, like how you are probably all trying to navigate this awkwardness in your own way. Because most people really do mean well deep down.

I was going to say that blending in with new people takes time and that sometimes family dinners are just diplomatic chores...but then I've read the comment about nappies and hell no, I'd never get invited back if someone said that to me 😂

I think they just want nice women to care for their boys, no drama, no baggage, no issues, nice and vanilla..I’m literally the opposite. I left an abusive marriage in which I had one child, I had a neglectful childhood, I carry a bit of hurt and pain and hard knocks.

The only "prize" you get for being the doting DIL is caring for your PIL in their old age.

Life is too short to spend with people who don't make you feel good about yourself.

Let your SIL have the close relationship with them, you stay home and have a relaxing time by yourself, then when the time comes and they need help in their old age, they'll look to her & their sons rather than you, win-win.