Should I just tell partner I don’t want to visit his parents?

[Strawberrywine1]

Every time we go I end up feeling rubbish. I feel awkward around them, we have basically nothing in common and they leave me out of conversations. It’s been years now and I’ve tried but I sit there feeling alienated.

We have a group WhatsApp and I’d like to leave that also as it’s nothing to do with me, it’s all between them and the other brother and family. I literally can’t join the conversation as it’s about people I don’t know, an area I don’t come from and hobbies they all share and I don’t. I’ve tried to include myself but I feel like a twat doing so.

The brother and his family (gf and kids)have been established for over 12 so they are all tight and in most definitely an outsider and hate the feeling. We visited the brother yesterday and his parents were there. Turns out they visit the brother almost every weekend. They have visited us once in 3 years. We have a daughter together.

@p1ppyL0ngstocking the only problem is is that it does hurt me. I had a neglectful childhood and it’s been my wish really deep down to have a family. I feel rejected all over again.

OP - why do you need so much to be liked by them? You have little in common, so you don’t particularly like them either.
The other brother/SIL have been in the family for longer. Their kids were the first grandkids. SIL gels better with them.

So - it’s natural they visit more. 🤷🏻‍♀️

If you want your DD to have a better relationship with them - stop expecting them to warm up to you. Just facilitate GP’s relationship with granddaughter. Drop her off there, etc.
Stop just sitting back, inviting them and accumulating resentment.

Your H doesn’t seem to have too close a relationship with them either. Maybe his brother was a golden child.
But again - it’s NOT YOUR issue. It’s between your H and his parents. Do not get in a huff and make it about you.

You can't be hurt by people that you recognise as misogynistic, regressive arseholes.

If they truly don't like you because they want you to be a 1950s housewife (& yet still bring in an income 🤔) and they're rude enough to speak to each other in whispers around you, then you should be glad they don't like you because you're different to them.

Would you be upset if a gang of neo-nazis didn't want to be your friend? Or if some racist, homophobes rejected you from their gang? Of course not.

They may be related to your DP, but that doesn't make them good people.

Spend your time with other people who are nice to you and have similar values to you, it will be a much more pleasant experience I assure you.

It does kind of hurt to have been neglected by your mum to then end up in an abusive marriage for 10 years then to meet someone nice and their parents don’t like you. I’ve kind of had enough of having to deal with not being accepted by people.

Why did you pick this type of partner for a relationship and fatherhood, this type of family to insert yourself in??

He does nothing around the house and tells you it's your job to deal with nappies...probably basically most things..

His family enables and coddles him. They exclude and look down on you..as if you're beneath them...they also expect to coddle and cater to their manchild son.

There's really nothing you can do to gain acceptance and inclusion from them. They don't approve of you, they don't value nor want your input on their son. They'll always side with your husband, and he'll always side with them. He'll never cut them off and out of his life.

You didn't know about him and his family prior to having a child, while dating??

If so, why did you choose this for your life?
Of course you could leave...but unless he and his family doesn't want to be involved in kiddos life, you'll have to deal with them....but if you leave, it can be minimally.

Stop joining group chat don't even look at it, stop inviting them to events and things.

@Burntouted he helps around the house and does nappies. They think it’s my job and look at me funny for even suggesting he do anything. He isn’t like them in that sense.

@Strawberrywine1 - regarding the group chat. Either leave and brazen it out that you don’t really use it and as DP is in it he can pass on any messages. Or mute the chat permanently and archive it.

visits - make other plans for yourself, child etc. he’s welcome to visit his family with or without you etc. it’s just that you are busy.

Where is your family in all this? Are they near by. Are you all close?

If they don't make you feel welcome and they don't visit you I don't think I would bother with them either. For your partners sake it might be worth it but he doesn't sound particularly supportive either or he would speak with them and not just dismiss your concerns. As you say they sound like they are very traditional with women looking after house, husband and children. I would find that frustrating too. What a way to raise sons in the 21st century.

Ok - I am sorry about your mom and abusive marriage. BUT - you need to get some help coming to terms with it and getting over it.

You said you found somebody nice - your current H. Enjoy your life and relationship with him. Don’t take your pain on your H - and endanger this good thing in your life. He is not responsible for your past, or for his parents. He is also NOT your therapist and shouldn't be expected to tip toe around you.

His parents are not your mother. They do not have to like you. And your being hurt by it is about your mother, not really them. It’s called transference.

Read the "Toxic Inlaws" book often recommended om here.

Coming from a dysfunctional family, I understand how you feel but they are unlikely to become the family you want or need.

The book really helped me.

You’re sensitive. You’d never treat someone the way you’ve been treated.
That’s a positive - not a negative.
Try not to compare yourself with your SIL. You’re two different people #1 and she’s been at this far longer than you #2.
Be yourself. If you don’t feel comfortable with your in-laws, then back away. Nobody in their right mind would want to stay in a situation where they’re ignored.
You aren’t wrong - you’re different and different isn’t a crime. Don’t let your husband gaslight you into thinking it is.

Thanks @DreamTheMoors I am different. I think growing up with my mum has made me sensitive to rejection, it’s something I can spot in a second. For example I can tell his grandparents like me, I can feel the warmth. And no I would never treat someone like this. If I had a DIL or a SIL suffer the way I have I’d do all I could to welcome them, but then I’ve experienced rejection and it’s so so painful. They aren’t really nice people and the way I feel about them is a dream really because they won’t ever be what I’ve longed for.

It is hard to see the other DIL being so welcomed and loved. All over the group chat and social media the family say we love you we are proud of you. Me and my little family don’t get a single comment from them.

After 18 years of visiting the in laws I put my foot down and told dh to go alone and either take the dc or don't but I'm not going any more. Its such a relief! And the added bonus is that about 4 times a year I get the house to myself all day. I love pps comment that being a doting DIL will just make you their carer.

OP please get some counseling for your need to be liked by people who don't like you. They never will so you need to detach. And yes just leave the whatsapp group. If you're not an admin it won't announce it anymore.

I have been thinking about it. I do think I overthink and takes things personally, like I did something for them not to like me. I think they just non emotional people. There seem to be a lot of people afraid of people who show emotions. It’s not good to push down emotions, they aren’t good role models!

OP, please get some counselling to help you deal with your neglectful childhood and past hurt. Your inlaws can't be who you want them to be, try not to dwell on that and instead focus your husband and your child. If they are good grandparents then encourage your husband to visit with your child and spend that time doing something nice for yourself. Visit them occasionally, be polite and pleasant but please lower your expectations of what they have to offer you emotionally.
As for the WhatsApp group you don't have to comment. If you find it upsetting then just dont go on it or better still leave!

I’ve had some support in the past to get to why I have these feelings. But I struggle with what to do with the feelings when they are triggered. No one likes to feels rejected or not accepted but I guess they deal with that feeling better. I tend to dwell and it makes me feel rubbish because I’d give anything to feel loved and accepted in a family. I know I can’t expect or force it.