I messed it all up

[Willitpass]

I’m sitting here so desperate I am at a
loss as to what to do.

nearly 10 years ago my darling dad left me £100k when he died to keep safe for my future. I have a disabled son who will need specialist secondary schooling and I can’t work much due to his care needs. While not legally bound it was a moral promise I would
keep it for his care needs and private education support.

but I didn’t. I’ve spent it all, on living. On some
holidays for us to make
memories from. To pay for therapy for me to come to terms with a life I. Had to adjust to. For bills
I couldn’t pay on my low wage as i care for him and the amazing gift of £100k put me
over the threshold for any benefit help.

my mother now needs to go into a nursing home and my brother who received
the same generous amount has suggested we pool our inheritance together to help fund her care home fees until her house sells and we will re-coup it. But of course I don’t have it. I kept evading the questions and they clearly knew something was wrong and it’s all come
out tonight that it’s gone. My brother and mother are disgusted and have said they will be polite to me but any trust and relationship has now gone.

im so desperately lonely. I am on my own and they were my friends and my family. My days are spent looking after my son who alternates between loving me
and verbally abusing me. There is no joy. And now I’m truly on my
owm having let my family
down. All my hope is gone. I feel empty. I am only posting as I’m scared of dọing something I may regret. I can’t see a way out.

Actually if her father had left it in trust that would be helpful, but he didn't, he left it to OP, which meant it impacted her benefits.

Either way it wouldn't have been available for her mum's care needs.

Exactly this, they have no empathy. You’ve done nothing wrong. Stop beating yourself up because your brother is an arse.

@Grumpynan

I know it’s too late now, but I would say your mum and brother are disappointed you’ve just spent money your father left you to make your life easier not just fritter away.

No, by the sounds of it they're disappointed because it's gone and they're up to something. No way do they need 200 grand before she sells her house, what kind of nonsense is that?

If you were able to tell them the bulk of it was tied up they would understand. As for them asking for a “bridging loan” I don’t see any problem with that, as I say if it was invested or spent on property then it wouldn’t be possible, saying that, I assume your brother hasn’t invested it either, I hope he has at least put it in a secure bank account and not just an every day account.

I wonder was the brothers inheritance earmarked for something by the dad.....or was it just the OP who was told what to do with hers?
If there was no requests for what the brother was supposed to do with his then it's bizarre that he still has it all 10 years later, surely he'd have spent some or bought a house, put it towards a house? unless they are very weird with money which by the sounds of it they are.

Erm, no! We're reading it correctly.

As pretty much everyone always says you can do what you want with an inheritance.
The OP needed the money for her and her son so she spent it.

I wonder was the brother told what to do with his? If not then it was very unequal anyway.

I’m not Sure if my brother was asked to hold onto his for any particular reason. I am fully aware I messed up by not locking it away in investments
for my child’s secondary schooling and associated needs when given to me and I WISH I could turn back the clock but I can’t. That is what is eating me up and I feel so lonely, they were my only
support and there just feels no hope or happiness in front of me. My life is spent caring and being verbally abused by my son who I love so much but who hurts me with his words and other than him I only had my mum and brother and now they won’t talk to me. I miss my dad a lot and wish I could talk to him even though he’d be disappointed in me too. I feel like I’ve failed at this life and there is no way forward with any happiness.

thank you for reading and being kind to me.

You can't have savings and benefits anything over 6000 and they cut down your entitlement anything over 16000 stops it I mean think about it millionaires claiming benefits because its savings not earnings? People with money in the bank should spend that first

@Ladyj84 and @Grumpynan perhaps you should read up on deprivation of assets before berating the OP? She couldn't just invest it/put it a trust and then claim full benefits. She would still be seen as having that money and so denied any benefits that require savings under 16k to be eligible. Do you really think the govt would leave such a massive loophole?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

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But if she had invested it into a trust in her son’s name for using on his education/care, she would have still been able to get benefits.

its too late for OP but might help others

Grumpynan, I don't know the rules on trusts in the UK but saying your advice might help others is disingenuous. You're not trying to help others.

Your post was just unkind and lacking empathy, "you should have done this, you should have done that"......and then sticking up for the mother and brother when the poor OP already feels like shit and suicidal.

Don't beat yourself up OP, £100K over 10 years isn't that outrageous.

I just wanted to point out that you and your brother wouldn't necessarily even get £100K back after costs of care are taken out of whatever your mother's house sells for. And as previous posters have said, Local Authority covers care costs until properties are sold, relatives aren't expected to pay upfront. Why does your family think they need to pay upfront?

@Grumpynan
But if she had invested it into a trust in her son’s name for using on his education/care, she would have still been able to get benefits.

This would be seen as deprivation of assets. It's illegal. Terrible advice. Do you honestly think it would be this easy? The government aren't clueless. This would be the easiest way for people to avoid paying for care. Or paying tax. Or paying all sorts of things.

Hi OP. It sounds like you've had a very tough time of things and now you're feeling a lot of guilt, shame and isolation. Please be kind to yourself. Life has dealt you some difficult hands.

Your feelings of guilt are misplaced I feel. Your dad left you that money, he trusted you to use it as you needed it and you did exactly that. You couldn't work and you couldn't claim benefits, and you have been supporting your son. Your dad may not have thought this through in the detail you've actually lived it, and hasn't been able to see the way things actually panned out for you. So don't imagine that he wouldn't have understood your decisions, or realised there was a different way for the money to be used than that which he envisaged. He was clearly a wonderful dad, but he didn't have a crystal ball.

Your mother and brother really are being extremely judgemental. How do they think you could have supported yourself otherwise?!

The fact is that money had a direct effect on your income. You had not choice for lots of it.

OP.

1. It was lovely of your dad to.leave you such a generous amount akd to suggest it was used for your son in the future.

He left your brother the same amount. Unless your dad stipulated how your brother was to spend his money, it was a suggestion and nothing more.

1. You, as your son's parent, made a decision how to best spend the money. There would be little point in you having sat with unpaid bills and needing therapy because the money was being kept for nebulous future needs. You had current needs.

1. If your dad had intended you and your brother to use your inheritances to fund yourother's care needs, he would.have left it directly to er or stipulated that as a condition. He didn't.

Your brother can use his inheritance as he sees fit but has no right to expect.tp.dictate how yours should.have been spent too.