I messed it all up

[Willitpass]

I’m sitting here so desperate I am at a
loss as to what to do.

nearly 10 years ago my darling dad left me £100k when he died to keep safe for my future. I have a disabled son who will need specialist secondary schooling and I can’t work much due to his care needs. While not legally bound it was a moral promise I would
keep it for his care needs and private education support.

but I didn’t. I’ve spent it all, on living. On some
holidays for us to make
memories from. To pay for therapy for me to come to terms with a life I. Had to adjust to. For bills
I couldn’t pay on my low wage as i care for him and the amazing gift of £100k put me
over the threshold for any benefit help.

my mother now needs to go into a nursing home and my brother who received
the same generous amount has suggested we pool our inheritance together to help fund her care home fees until her house sells and we will re-coup it. But of course I don’t have it. I kept evading the questions and they clearly knew something was wrong and it’s all come
out tonight that it’s gone. My brother and mother are disgusted and have said they will be polite to me but any trust and relationship has now gone.

im so desperately lonely. I am on my own and they were my friends and my family. My days are spent looking after my son who alternates between loving me
and verbally abusing me. There is no joy. And now I’m truly on my
owm having let my family
down. All my hope is gone. I feel empty. I am only posting as I’m scared of dọing something I may regret. I can’t see a way out.

Hi OP,

I can understand why you feel frustrated but in all honesty that money was left to you to spend how you please I assume? You shouldn't feel guilty for spending that money as and when you needed it, I don't think your selfish at all x

You haven’t messed up. Tell them to mind their own bloody business. It was your money.

Honestly you spent 10k a year looking after a severely disabled dc while working.
You have done nothing to feel guilty about, it sounds as though you're doing a good job.
This wasn't money left to care for your mother it was your money and you spent it on you and your dc.
You don't have to apologize for this.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all. You have been caring for your son. 10K a year is only £833 a month, which doesn't go far with cost of living crisis.
Tell your brother to bugger off, and your mum should either pay for her own care or have a social services financial and needs assessment if she's under the threshold.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

I’m sure your dad didn’t intend that money to be for anyone other than you and your DC. And that includes not giving it all to your mum when she decides it’s time.

Theyre being totally unreasonable and cruel to you. Sorry OP. Hold on tight, show yourself some compassion - and maybe when you’re ready look for some support groups and services in your area where you can meet others and get some support.

Sending a big unMN-y hug x

You spent the money on exactly what it was meant to be spent on. Your mum and brother have no right to be disgusted. You spent it in the 'future', just sooner than intended. Food is a care need btw. As is shelter.

Tell them to wind their necks in. Infact I'd be asking them where they were when you needed them. If they'd helped you then maybe you wouldn't have had to spend your inheritance just to survive.

@Willitpass please don't hesitate to call Samaritans on 116 123 - they will give you time and space and they will listen.

Erm clearly people aren't actually reading there was a kindof purpose for this money but she spent it even tho not for the mother's care. If you had put it in trusts etc told about your child needing special extra care you would stil have been able to keep a chunk aside and get your benefits.

I guess that's why your dad left you and brother so much money because he probably knew you'd never see it it was just left to your mum

He did the right thing by you

Your mother is wrong to expect that your inheritance be used for her care. That never was its intended purpose. I think your brother is just frustrated and worried he'll have to cover the cost of her care alone. What ever he pays out he should recover in full when her property sells.

Your mother and brother may be surprised you have spent the money but it was left to you not them. They have no right or need to be so upset. Your brother can still advance money until mother's house is sold - care home fees are expensive but £100k will last a while.

I wonder if better financial advice could have helped you manage the inheritance, putting you over benefit thresholds wasn't useful. Anyway that is past and you need to make the best of where you are now. Get some benefits guidance, to help you maximise your income. I'm sorry your life is so tough and hope your family will be more supportive in time.

This is madness! You were left an inheritance by your late father, which was for you to spend on you and your son, and you've done just that. However you chose to spend the money is nothing whatsoever to do with your mother or your brother. It doesn't sound as if you went mad and spent it on dozens of designer bags and shoes - you spent it on holidays, therapy, and bills. But even if you did spend it frivolously, it's none of their business - it was your money! I hope that when the time comes for my daughter to inherit from me, that she enjoys whatever she's left. My best friend has always been very short of money and I've left her some money in my will with the express wish that she spends every penny on herself and buys loads of things that she would never usually be able to afford. I'm sure your dad would have wanted you and your son too enjoy your inheritance.

If your mum and brother are now so keen to pay your mums nursing home costs until her house is sold, then if your brother still has his £100,000 (which it sounds as though he has), why can't he use some or all of that until he can recoup it from the sale of the house?

You've done absolutely nothing wrong OP.

TBH your brother and mother sound awful TBH. I wouldn't trust them to give you back the money from the house sale anyway.

Your brothers 100k will surely last quite some time, enough time for the house to sell so it sounds very off that they're asking for your money.

Exactly what I was thinking!!

It was YOUR 100k - if you used it all on cadbury cream eggs and jaffa cakes that's your choice and they have NO RIGHT to an opinion

It's none of their fooking business!

OPs brother doesn't even need to use his money! I'm an ex social worker- the local authority can fund until someone's house is sold as long as there is enough equity in the house.
OP's family are being very unreasonable, and clearly don't understand the many pressures of caring for a disabled child.

OP, don't worry about spending the money. You did what you needed to over the last 10 years and it was up to you to make those decisions. They may well calm down and change their perspective on this- I hope so. Could you try joining a support group locally for parent/carers, or request some respite for your son so you can have some time to yourself to meet people and live a little? Sending love

As someone who has spent a lot of money that could have been hoarded (on basic living and the occasional treat) I can relate to how you feel.

Have a stern word with yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your mother and brother are guilt-tripping you - they shouldn't, they have no right to do that. So, guilt goes out of the window. It's not applicable in your case.

Whenever you feel bad about yourself, have some kind words ready. Make it a mantra. 'I'm a good, kind person and I do my best', or whatever works for you.

They don’t need your money to fund your mother’s care while the house sells, that’s not how it works. I suggest speaking with social workers about placing your mum into a care home and the financials of it. Your mum and brother are wrong to expect you to pay for it.

You were fortunate enough to be given money and you did what anyone on a low income would do and spent it on surviving and caring for your disabled child. That was your prerogative.

what are they on about losing trust and relationship? You weren’t entrusted the money for your mother’s future care. They are being entirely unreasonable and ill informed about care home funding.

Youve done nothing wrong!

What a pair of CF's your brother and mother are?!
How dare they assume that the money - for your son in essence- be made available for housing for your mother?!
WTF??
Think about that and find your anger.
It doesn't matter that you spent it already. You didn't fritter it away. You needed it to live.
Tell them to GTF.

So from what I understand the money was specifically for his secondary schooling and care needs. If it was spent on holidays 'to make memories' then perhaps I can see the problem. Out of interest, why did you spend it on holidays rather than keep it for the intended reason?

Having said this, if the gift meant you ended up poorer on an income basis as you lost benefits due ti having the money then you were out in an impossible situation. You needed something to live off and if the gift meant you received no benefits then you had no choice but to use the money to live on.

I don't know anything about benefits and thresholds. Is there no way the money could have gone into a trust so you could still receive benefits?

If there was no way around it and the inheritance meant you were forced into a situation where you lost income from benefits then ask them how exactly you weee supposed to live?

Is the issue here you made a solemn promise to keep this for his care needs and educational support, and it had to go on bills, therapy and holidays?

I think they have over reacted, but I can In part see that if you made a promise that it was for his care needs and education, they may think it should be spent on that, but life gets in th4 way sometimes and I feel their reaction is not ok. Maybe it’s just disappointment.

It’s too late now, but as a family you should have got financial advice.

your parents should have taken more care when writing their wills, your father should have left half the estate to you and your brother making it unnecessary to sell the house releasing money to pay for care. If your mother wanted to sell she would receive half of the profit and you and your brother the other half.

as for you spending £100k !, why the hell didn’t you invest it you would still have got full benefits and would have a nest egg for future expenses you might need for your son.

I mean holidays and memories are lovely but you don’t need to spend £100k on that !

I know it’s too late now, but I would say your mum and brother are disappointed you’ve just spent money your father left you to make your life easier not just fritter away. If you were able to tell them the bulk of it was tied up they would understand. As for them asking for a “bridging loan” I don’t see any problem with that, as I say if it was invested or spent on property then it wouldn’t be possible, saying that, I assume your brother hasn’t invested it either, I hope he has at least put it in a secure bank account and not just an every day account.

What was your brothers inheritance supposed to be for?

@petticuliar
She already said that the holidays were to make memories, and in the next line she said she had to pay for therapy to come to terms with a life she had to adjust to.....so I think it's fairly obvious that the holidays were needed.