Worthy of marriage?

[Beaniehats78]

Has anyone ever felt like they're not worthy of marriage?

I'm 45 and have had 3 long term relationships in my life. One of ten years, one of 3 (not a great one) and currently 10 years in with my partner.

I've never been asked. I've never been engaged. I'm not religious but I've never said I'm against marriage.

But I'm starting to worry that I'm just not seen as worthy of it? I think I'm a pretty good other half. I'm committed and communicative and caring. The two relationships that broke down went on to marry women after me. So it's not like the men I've been with haven't been into the idea.

My current partner shows no interest in it and I'm wondering is it me? He is also not religious and comes from a religious upbringing so I don't think he's ever seen It as a personal desire. Obviously my previous relationships were not ones that worked out and marriage would have been a bad idea. But at some point in those relationships we did think it would work out so is it weird I've never been considered for marriage?

Now I'm in a position where marriage would make sense in a legal way and yet that's still not incentive enough. I've brought it up a little with my other half but it's always just been sort of discussed in a more hassle than it's worth way.

I guess I'm wondering how people feel about marriage. Is it something you wanted, asked for or expected? Is it worth it? How did you feel about being asked or not asked?

I guess I'm trying to work out how I feel about it all but don't have many I can talk to about it.

What has he said when you’ve discussed it?
To be honest, there are so many reasons not to marry these days, that I can see why people don’t. If you’re happy with him, it might be best to not rock the boat.

Our son was already 5 when we married. I wanted to know that my husband was legally my next of kin, and that if anything happened to me he could make decisions as next of kin, manage finances, inherit etc. I would like to get our power of attorney(health and welfare) forms sorted for the same reasons.

No romantic proposal for me. I just asked him if he was happy for me to book a venue I had seen (but we had discussed we were happy to get married in theory before).

Does he not want to be married or does he not want to have a big wedding day? Because the two are different. When you get married, if you take away all the frills and nonsense, you are signing a legal contract which gives you rights and responsibilities in relation to the other person. I can understand him not wanting all the glitz and expense, but if you would like to be married - and you can book and do that quickly and quietly - then just ask him, and tell him it’s important to you and why.

I never wanted to at all, but my longterm partner was very set on it, and in the end it seemed easier and more straightforward than attempting to replicate as far as possible marital rights etc via a solicitor. But no, for me it’s an institution with a lot of patriarchal baggage, not something I was ‘worthy’ of. I love DH, but would rather not have married. (Straight CPs were not available then.)

He was raised in a very religious household and himself an atheist so the religious aspect of marriage is very off-putting for him. He's also the bigger earner and these days marriage doesn't legally benefit the bigger earner much so I can see why it's not in his radar.
Personally every marriage in my family has broken down so I've always thought it's something that is probably pointless but something deep in me likes the commitment aspect. The ritual of making that promise. And now we have a house and child there is a legal aspect that makes sense. I haven't been asked before and that was just about me, now there are practical reasons too but I'm still not asked. I can't even place my finger on why I find it upsetting.

Yes l, he's not a fan of spending a lot of money on things transient and he's not a limelight seeker so a "special day" wouldn't be something that excited him. I have suggested we just spend on a honeymoon and the wedding part as minimal as possible which he smiled at and said would be fun but that was the end of that!

The patriarchal and religious elements are definitely not attractive to either of us. I think though that a lot of that can be changed and adapted to suit people these days. We're far from what marriage used to mean (land ownership, women as commodity, religious restraints) and it's definitely something these days that's done more for love and legalities than anything else. I have no doubt it'll keep adapting and changing as society's views do.

You can go to register and legalize your relationship without all the religious aspects and pompous wedding.

To be honest I don't have a lot of respect for a man who would have a child with someone but leave her vulnerable financially. I think I would just have to spell it out to him that you want a legal commitment to protect yourself in the future and that if he's not interested in that then you will assume he's not interested in a future with you

I know a few people in the same situation, they are usually very softly spoken people who don't stand up for themselves and just go along with everything with quite low self esteem - sorry I'm not saying this applies to you - just an observation..
The marrieds are usually the ones who won't stand for being treated like this and have a lot of self worth and confidence.

And who move on if they don't get what they want out of a relationship. You have put up with this for 10 years. What motivation does he have to change?

I actually think this is what's made it all come to the forefront at the moment. Now we have a child and a new house I'm acutely aware of how difficult it would be for me were something dreadful ever to happen. I don't have any doubt currently that he would leave but life doesn't care about good intentions really.
So I guess before it would have been just for love but now it would be for love and future safety. But it's still not on the cards and I'm wondering why it never has been for me.
I do suffer with a disability and I can't help but think I'm just not an attractive prospect, especially as I get older! But I think I'm a good person and a good mother. I'm certainly told that by him. I find it all a bit disheartening.

I guess I could always give him some! 😅

But honestly I think because we've always been quite anti-patriarchal-systems it's always been a back burner type thing. Now it seems more valid a time for us.

I think you're right and this is going to need a little more assertiveness from me. I don't think I'm very softly spoken (I think he is more tbh) but I do suffer with self esteem issues when it comes to worthiness and asking for things like this always feels a little uncomfortable. I kind of want him to want it. Not tell him to do it. But now a house and child are involved it's a bit different.

Ask him to marry you. You don’t have to wait to be asked.

There's nothing anti-patriarchal about doing all the things women in partnerships generally do whilst not having the benefit of the best protection the law provides. Patriarchy loves it when it's easier to shit on women. There are some women who aren't advantaged by marriage, but nothing you've said suggests you're one of them OP.

Meanwhile, do you jointly own the house? Do you have wills, who's named as beneficiaries on any pensions either of you have?

Are you on the deeds of the house? Wills don’t matter, in the case of people who are just boyfriend and girlfriend, wills can be changed at any time.

A high earner who’s happy to impregnate you, but refuses to give you any legal protections is a dickhead. The bleating about patriarchy and atheism is irrelevant since you can just sign marriage documents with no religious stuff involved, and his patriarchy is giving him wonderful benefits: a woman to bear his kid, provide sex, etc.but he gets to keep his wealth and his property and pension etc.all to himself.

I wouldn't say wills don't matter. They can indeed be changed without the beneficiary knowing, but nonetheless as a cohabitant you're better off being included in one than not due to the way intestacy provisions work. The issue is that while it's needed in OPs situation, it's also nowhere near enough.

Agree with all the rest though. It's possible OPs DP simply doesn't know any of this and will change his tune once he clocks that his living arrangements are in fact doing a patriarchy... but I'd be very careful. He wouldn't be the first man to talk a good game with stuff like this whilst knowing exactly what the impact of remaining unmarried was. And yeah, religion is neither here nor there. In the UK, we've had the option of civil marriage since 1836.

I'm in total agreement with PPs who say it's not anti-patriarchy or anti-religion to not get married.
So what if it wouldn't be to his advantage to get married? It would be advantageous for you and your child. If anything I'd say it's quite misogynistic to decide not to marry you and give you the security you and your child need.
As for being anti-religion that's an appalling excuse. My DH and I are both atheists and got married at a registry office, my DN got married a few years ago at the venue she was having the receiption at. It doesn't have to have anything to do with religion.
Ask him to marry you, tell him why, and insist on a straight answer including whether (if you can afford it) a big wedding, a quiet one or just yourselves and witnesses.

Also does he know you're doubting yourself so much and think you're not worthy? Because if he does he should be ashamed of himself.

I think there are two issues here.
You feel less loved because your partner has never asked you to marry him. This makes you feel sad and unloved.
Secondly I think you feel insecure financially and worried about your future and your child’s.
I think you need legal and financial advice after which you have an honest conversation with your Partner.
Op married or not I think you need to protect your self financially if he loves you he will agree .!

Oh dear OP, I had hoped I’d get to the end of your post and at least find out one of these
you had no children
you were the higher earner.

Sadly, as in nearly all of these cases on here - you have children and he is by far the higher earner.

To be blunt, there is no such thing g as a man who doesn’t want to get married, just one who does not want to marry you.

Try to get yourself a better job and make sure the house is in joint names. You need to look out for yourself and you child as you “DP” certainly won’t.

Hopefully you’re on the deeds and have not sacrificed your job or pension contributions for this man.
I made it clear to my now-husband that I would not be just a girlfriend to anyone long term, that marriage was important to me, and if it wasn’t to him, that’s fine, but we would not be buying a house together.
Does your boyfriend know all the stuff on this link?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

After a big health scare I said to DP we should really shore up our legal situation. I had been waiting for civil partnerships to be made available to all. When they were I suggested we do the CP and he said he would far rather we married. So we did.

I tell you lefty blokes that go on about the patriarchy are always the ones that benefit from whatever stuff they are spouting. I was in a political organisation that was on the left and what a ruddy disappointment that was regarding the men in it.

You can go down the registry office in your lunch hour with two random witness and get married with zero fuss to protect you. Currently he holds all the cards.

@C00k has a very direct post and I’m in total agreement.