Worthy of marriage?

[Beaniehats78]

Has anyone ever felt like they're not worthy of marriage?

I'm 45 and have had 3 long term relationships in my life. One of ten years, one of 3 (not a great one) and currently 10 years in with my partner.

I've never been asked. I've never been engaged. I'm not religious but I've never said I'm against marriage.

But I'm starting to worry that I'm just not seen as worthy of it? I think I'm a pretty good other half. I'm committed and communicative and caring. The two relationships that broke down went on to marry women after me. So it's not like the men I've been with haven't been into the idea.

My current partner shows no interest in it and I'm wondering is it me? He is also not religious and comes from a religious upbringing so I don't think he's ever seen It as a personal desire. Obviously my previous relationships were not ones that worked out and marriage would have been a bad idea. But at some point in those relationships we did think it would work out so is it weird I've never been considered for marriage?

Now I'm in a position where marriage would make sense in a legal way and yet that's still not incentive enough. I've brought it up a little with my other half but it's always just been sort of discussed in a more hassle than it's worth way.

I guess I'm wondering how people feel about marriage. Is it something you wanted, asked for or expected? Is it worth it? How did you feel about being asked or not asked?

I guess I'm trying to work out how I feel about it all but don't have many I can talk to about it.

Marriage doesn't need to be religious - you can have a civil ceremony either in a registry office or any number of settings. I don't think most people who get married do so for religious reasons. Marriage is not necessary or essential and for some people it's just not an aspiration. But it does give protection particularly if children are involved and in terms of financial security.

What is your situation? Do you rent or own a house? Often a commitment to buy a home together is as big a commitment as marriage. If you have less financial wealth than your partner if you were to break up you could face a very difficult reduction in circumstances - you are very unprotected.

But I sense that financial security isn't what you're thinking about - it's emotional security. That's a conversation with your partner. Has he ever been married or contemplated it?

@EverySporkIsSacred

I don't think he knows I'm doubting myself. I'm quite open and honest but for some reason I'm weirdly quiet with this. I know I'm a good person but as a kid I struggled with feeling worthy and I think it's something I struggle with in my romantic relationships too. In any other familial or friend relationship I don't doubt it as much.

Thank you, I think you're totally correct and I will have to have a sit down and put it all out on the table. The emotional and the legal and see what he says.

I'm way more comfortable talking about the legal part than the emotional bit though! I hate the idea of looking needy. But emotional needs really shouldn't be any less important than financial ones.

No I don't bring in much due to a disability but I am due to come into some inheritance in the next year or so.
We are currently getting the deeds put into both of our names and I am on his will as the sole beneficiary.

"To be blunt, there is no such thing g as a man who doesn’t want to get married, just one who does not want to marry you."

This I think is the thing that's really getting to me. 3 serious relationships in my life time, evidence of men marrying after me and now not married even 10 years in. I keep thinking it's me.

I honestly don't think he knows any of this. But thank you for the link. I will show it to him when I bring it all up.

He's never been married and I don't know if he ever contemplated it before me but I suspect not.

Financially he supports the family far more than I do and is happy to do so. If anything I think that he wishes he could do a better job of that as then I wouldn't have to work with chronic pain. We do our best for each other.

The house is currently in his name but my name is being added to the deeds and I am in his will.

I genuinely think that early on he had a very set view on marriage (his mother is a vicar and the narrative was that marriage was a religious ceremony that involved god) and has just lived with the view that it's not necessary to be committed to someone. He's told me that having a child he believes is far more of a commitment than marriage.

I definitely do not believe that he's not asked because he's freeloading or doesn't care about my future or his child's. I think those things are important to him. I just don't think he realises how it protects us and that's something I'm going to have to bring up with him.

But yes, emotionally I've always hoped I'd be loved enough to be asked but here I am. And I wouldn't want a man to do it just to make me happy. It's an odd feeling. I want him to want it but of course I cannot demand that of anyone and wouldn't want to.

Having a kid is no commitment whatsoever, it’s a commitment that at least one parent will have to raise the child. Words are cheap, and worthless when the shit hits the fan. Legal documents (marriage) that bring protections and commitment are less than £300

Not sure why you've not been asked to wed, but for me it was a deal breaker. If DH hadn't of married me, I'd have left and found someone who would. And he knew it too.

Perhaps in their next relationship their partner told them they wanted to get married?

You seem to have a romantic view that a man will decide "I love my partner so much, I want to get married", go to choose a ring secretly then get down on one knee - preferably somewhere romantic.

In reality I don't think this happens that often and I expect more often with youngsters. I think life takes over, and the daily grind takes up most of our mental energy. I expect many many more couples than you are estimating discuss marriage, agree together if they want to get married and choose a ring together.

I did, when I was with my ex of 6 years. Never asked, never showed any interest (I did) thought I wasn't worthy of it.

DH proposed to me within 6 months & we married less than a year later.

@Winter2020

I think I do see marriage as a declaration of love and commitment yes. Financially and emotionally. Not sure about him picking out a ring and getting on one knee though. We're not really that kind of couple and would probably end up laughing.
Then again it seems somewhat disappointing to just be like "shall we do it? I'll book the RO next Wednesday". That daily grind needs some high points injected into it I think.
But regardless, I've never had either!