How do I get over this?

[SallySilly]

About 5 years ago by husband was unfaithful. Not in a physical sense (as far as I know), but he was texting other women that he met online via an app. There were some photographs exchanged etc. All pretty grubby and embarrassing. I caught him doing this three times over the course of roughly a year, although he had only exchanged photos with the first. Not sure why this matters. The final time was with a woman he employs. We very nearly separated and then lockdown happened and it became logistically rather difficult to do so.

We have 3 children and a seemingly very nice life. We both have good careers. I will admit that before this happened our marriage was not in a good place. We were arguing, I had post natal depression after our youngest child was born and we had relocated to a new area.

In the last 4 years he has been nothing but an exemplary father and family man. He has had counselling, stopped drinking and made an enormous effort to restore my trust in him. But the problem is that I just cannot get over what has happened. It's like a horrible stain on our lives that I can't do anything about. I feel so humiliated.

How do I get over this? I want our family to stay together and I want a life with my husband. Any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation would be appreciated.

If it helps, I'm in a similar situation

Been with him 10 years, married 5. On our 5th wedding anniversary I found his reddit account and saw all the smutty comments he had left on the thirst traps accounts.

Happy wedding anniversary to me eh!

He claims he didn't realise it was wrong and how it was 'just chat and not cheating'

Meanwhile I got neglected, he wouldn't arrange a night out for just us until
I was nearly in tears asking him to do something and even then it was a crap night as I ended up picking the restaurant. It was always on me to arrange babysitting but never him.

He told me a few times 'the more I asked, the less I was going to get'

When he had no job, it was me supporting him and my parents stepping in to help out with rent/childcare bills and food

He wants to work past this - I can't see how we can

I haven’t experienced this but I wanted to share what my aunt was told by a counsellor after my uncle cheated on her years ago.

It was if you do decide to forgive and rebuild your relationship, you have it totally let it go. If you can’t let it go, you have to let them go.

Others will come along and say different but that’s something that’s always stuck with me.

Actually that's quite helpful thank you

Im really sorry that you are going through similar @AnotherSuperHeroe, its a bitter pill to swallow isn't it.

I really never though my OH would do something like this. It really shocked me.

I really feel for you, for you both actually. From my own experience, I'd agree with the previous post, you either find a way to rebuild trust from your side or the relationship isn't going to be that fulfilling. It's pretty hard to get back to good trust without deep forgiving (not forgetting).

A lot depends on how you handled this as a couple, and you as the partner... Have you had counselling-support for yourself in all this? Have the two of you been able to talk about your respective experience, and feelings in the relationship-process since this happened? Have you had marriage counselling or would be open to that? I'm not suggesting that counselling is always the answer, of course... just one fairly effective way to support processing something so big.

It shocked me too

I thought we were solid, but I guess not.

He's desperate to try again and work things out - I have told him he's more than welcome to look for someone new but he says he only wants me

Hi op, unfortunately I'm in the same boat and I question the same thing every single day "will I ever get over this" I only found out 3 months ago and it totally destroyed me. Same as you he wasn't unfaithful in a physical sense but I do question this everyday he could of and I just don't know. I'm trying my absolute best to build trust but it's just not there. It's awful . Sending you love OP ❤️

It really is a shock isn't it? Never in a million years would I think he would do it to me.

Another in the same boat OP. Flirting, sneaking off to message her behind my back. I don't know if any photos were exchanged or if it ever got physical. I'd honestly rather he just told me he didn't love me anymore or left me for her or something. We have a baby under a year old and I'm really struggling. I don't know if I can trust him again but I'm so afraid to throw a potential future together as a family away without trying. That the final decision gets left to us is so unfair isn't it?

If so many years have passed and you still aren't happy, you could not blame yourself for making peace with the loss of your love for him and leaving. It's amazing that you tried so hard and sacrificed so much, but at the end of the day what he did to the two of you was a fatal blow.

Hope you find happiness x

I have never been in this position but reading this time and time again i absolutely know i would not forgive this and how anyone can go through it more than once with the same man is beyond me.
Please put yourself first ,your children will be fine , get out and you will make a happy home for your family in time somehow ,without being treated with such utter disrespect from these disgusting selfish bastard men.

Sod that, what do you want? (Realistically, as you're not going to get it from him.)

@DarkChocOnly We have had some couple therapy. But I do wonder if perhaps I would benefit from some one to one talking therapy for closure. Just not sure closure will ever realistically be possible.

I was always a pretty confident, outgoing and trusting person and now I think I am none of those things. Actually a little sickened by the sneaking around I have done to look at his phone etc. It all just seems so juvenile to me.

@yolonce Sending enourmous about of love and strength to you.

I have always wondered how far it would have gone if I had not found out.

You are not alone as these post testify. Many of us live with previously straying partners who decide they want to stick around and make amends for their selfish self centred behaviour.

Im 18 months on my journey of forgiveness but small things trigger me and I feel angry all over again. They are getting less and we are moving forward together because he is so contrite and sorry but I can’t look at him the same way any more.

I’m philosophical and take what I want (or need) from our relationship.

We don’t live together so I get plenty of head and physical space and being older, I can live with my take on it.

I'm so sorry OP.
Another one here, I found out yesterday that my partner of 1 yr, was meeting some random woman in a hotel room the week we were moving in together. I am 4 months pregnant. I think the worst thing is that I found out by seeing a message on his phone, he never came clean about it, so I really don't know if I can trust him again. He says nothing happened in the hotel room, they just talked but unfortunately I have no reason to believe him. I actually feel sorry for the other woman, because I think he lied to her and messed her about too.

It's hard to hear that you are trying to get past it and can't, because that's exactly what I'm weighing up now. I need support with the baby but I just don't even want to look at him right now.

You are not alone, and no matter what happens, you deserve love and you deserve to be treated well by your partner.

@WristCandy

I don't know

It's 5 months down the road and I'm still very angry and distraught that he couldn't even take me out for a dinner without me having to beg for it instead choosing to pay attention to thirst traps than his own wife

I have asked him to move out and have told him I want a divorce as I can't see us ever coming back from this

Exactly the same boat here!
It's the worst feeling in the world. Still not 100% sure he didn't physically cheat on me with one person, but I can imagine if the offer was there he would have taken it! he lied about it constantly and tried to gaslight me into believing I'd done something wrong.
It was 18 months ago and still smarts now!
We did stay together, mostly because of our daughter I couldn't have her asking where daddy was, why wasn't he here. And I would have had no idea how to even begin separating, my daughter and I couldn't of afforded to stay in the house I'd put so much work into and she's have lost her home.
We seem to be over it now, but every so often I remember.

@OldSchoolCasualty

I know for sure he didn't cheat physically as I'm always aware of his locations and he's very reliable with time keeping

He says he got blind and lazy to me but as I point out to him he didn't get blind and lazy when it came to them

He claims he loves me and I tell him you don't because if you did, you wouldn't have neglected me to focus on them

i don't think I'd be able to get past the 'the more you ask the less you're going to get' comment. How shitty and patronising of him!

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

I haven't got past it at all - makes me so angry that he deemed it appropriate to say to me but yet happy enough to accept my mum's babysitting however it was beneath him to organise something off his own back

@rc473

I'm so sorry you're going through this - men don't seem to understand once the trust is gone, there is nothing else

I'm in the very early days of a similar situation, no idea if I even want to try and get past his behaviour but I do know that if you stay resentful you definitely can't move forward. Only you can know if he made a genuine mistake and what you have is worth forgiving him.

Wow I really can't believe how many women are in a similar situation. So sorry to all of you. We all deserve better.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

I'm sorry you too are going through that - it's horrible

And yes I get jealous of those that have partners who clearly love them enough to surprise them with dates or holidays away

There's been a lot of anger and spiralling from my side

My sister in law has suggested therapy but I'm not ready for that as I don't want anything on record

Hi OP. I feel for you. This happened in my last long-term relationship. My partner started messaging a girl he’d met during a night out when we were in a bad place. Then, two years later, when we were far stronger and supposedly happy, he did it again. I think it was made worse by the fact it was with the same girl. Nothing physical ever happened between them to my knowledge, but the betrayal felt massive. For me, it spelled the beginning of the end, and a few months later it was over. In my case, no marriage or kids were involved.
I just couldn’t find it in myself to forgive him. I think your idea to try counselling both jointly and one-to-one is a good one, especially as it sounds like he has made some fundamental changes. But try to be prepared that you just might not be able to get past this.