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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I just need to rant about DH

36 replies

Ohdojustfuckoff · 14/01/2024 10:27

I just need the space to rant. He's driving me mad, and I really need to compose myself a bit so I can take care of him later on today!

He's as stubborn as a mule, and bloody lazy. Really, really, will not react until the very last minute.

I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant, we have a 20m old, and a teenager, and I take care of his parents, so safe to say, my hands are full.

We've had a hard few months, he's struggled with having regular work since July and I've been out of work due to my health worsening during the pregnancy.

He didn't pay any of our bills in December (conveniently forgets them all! And every month we have a discussion about how I've managed to pay them, usually through CC and overdraft. This was all different when I was in work- I could comfortably support us, but generally I'd claw back some of the money from DH.)

So anyway, December-Jan have been tough.
Light at the end of the tunnel, this job.

Before he started, he had an infected cyst. I said to him, you had that before, you need to contact the GP, get antibiotics, and get a referral for drainage, like last time.

He puts it off for 4 days. He eventually gets an appointment, he is prescribed antibiotics.

The cyst continues to grow, and gets redder, and more hot... infection is increasing despite the antibiotics. Call the GP. They might switch them.
He puts it off, puts it off, I say I'll call then.

They offer him an emergency appt, the HP says, if it was smaller, I'd have tried to aspirate it. You need to go to A&E, I'll contact the surgical team.
He decides he's going home.

3 days later, today, he decides he's going to A&E, hallelujah! They say they'll have to put him out, to get the infected cyst sorted, and he will need to go to and from the GP to get the wound packing changed.

Well, now he can't drive himself to work tomorrow, or the next day. He says, if I'm not at work tomorrow, I'll get sacked.
He will. There are important deliveries he cannot miss. I say, well I can do the work (we had the same job pre me being off on maternity. I'll provide cover for you)

No, no, no he says. You should drive me to and from work for the days I can't drive (it'll be 2 he thinks) I'm uncomfortable with it, and frankly, pissed off. The proposed journey to his workplace is just shy of an hour in clear traffic, with 20m DS in tow.

I've just been diagnosed with ICP, I'm not sleeping well because I'm so flipping hot and itchy, my back is in bad shape, and this baby is growth restricted, so the care that I'm receiving can change at any moment. If this pregnancy is anything like the one I had with DS within the next week or two I might end up back to and from the hospital daily for checks and regular scans. This is potentially the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I want to prepare for the baby, instead I've got all this stress to deal with and I feel like DH has instead of supporting me added to it.

If I hadn't at this point spent 2 weeks trying to get him to sort this out, I wouldn't be annoyed, but he's just left it, like everything else, and now Ive got absolute chaos to deal with.

OP posts:
Sweden99 · 14/01/2024 12:32

That is terrible. Sorry.

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2024 17:03

What are you getting from this relationship OP because it doesn’t sound as if it’s love & support.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 14/01/2024 17:45

Just another shit father and partner who can't step up for his family

rubyslippers · 14/01/2024 17:49

Why do YOU need to take care of him
Why are YOU taking care of his parents
is it YOUR responsibility to drive him to work
he sounds lazy - no regular work, not paying bills, can’t be arsed to look after his health

This all sounds totally unsustainable and he’s unlikely to step up at all
the fact he’s happy to put you out whilst you’re having a diffxult pregnancy days it all

Ohdojustfuckoff · 14/01/2024 23:43

Pumpkinpie1 · 14/01/2024 17:03

What are you getting from this relationship OP because it doesn’t sound as if it’s love & support.

Not very much at the moment ill admit!
A bit of extra stress, someone else to worry about and not a lot else.

I'm hoping that this is just a really bad patch, and that things improve because I don't really feel they can go on this way much longer.

OP posts:
WafflesOrIceCream · 14/01/2024 23:53

Flipping heck!OP you need to be taking it easy now.

DeeCeeCherry · 15/01/2024 00:52

I can't work out whether youve infantilised him or enabled his incompetence tbh. You have a teen, a 20 month old, due to give birth again, you care for his parents (why, when he doesn't work? Do you see his time as more precious than yours?). You have martyr syndrome and unless you see sense and cut it out - this is your life. Your husband is a wastrel which is a problem. But you're problematic too albeit in a different way because youre not taking control of your life and you're sliding inevitably into chaos. The best hope here is that your children aren't impacted. & that you get to rest after you've given birth although I can't see how but maybe you can aim to plan for that. With 2 under 2 + a teen + his parents to care for, youll need to..

TheSlantedOwl · 15/01/2024 00:59

OP, please prioritise your unborn child, your kids annd yourself over this worthless partner. He’s just absolutely substandard and damaging.

You must read threads on here yourself @Ohdojustfuckoff - written by women suffering relationships with the most pathetic, selfish, worthless men…you are amongst them. Please see this clearly and liberate yourself from this shit.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/01/2024 01:09

Why can't he drive to work ? I have read your post 3 times and can't figure out why he can't drive ?

And surely if he's not fit to drive, he's not fit to work - so he has to call in sick and self certificate for up to 7 days.

Why did you choose to marry this adult child ? is the teenager his or yours ?

cerisepanther73 · 15/01/2024 01:23

Why on earth are you looking after his parents @Ohdojustfuckoff ?
.that is definitely not your responsibility at all?

It is his responsibility concern and stress 😩to worry and look after their welfare, !!!
Don't fall for this bullshit that just cause you possess a vagina that means everything to do with caring is automatically included in your terriority,

It comes across like you are like a single parent,
a one woman only support system for entire family,

Where is the family support system for you when you need it then?
.why is the support which you should be getting too,
not there not reprocral, at all too ?

Why i's just take take take me me me me from everyone else in your family household?
It's totally out of kilter balance precariously weighing overwhelming claustrophobically on yourself,
It's unsustainablility ,something is going to snap break sooner or later,

Dont need to be a mystic to see that,

Your husband is an Arsehole by the way, !

He is next to useless pathetic a loser 🙄

Nothing much to him at all really,

He is quite happy and contend satisfied to see his pregnant wife looking after his parents and doing everything else,

he hasn't even got the excuse he is working allmost non stop either,

I bet he loves ❤️ it you've taken all the stress and responsibilities of being the main and only care giver of his parents,

He should be ashamed of himself

I would love to kick him up the arse with metal toe caps boots into touch

cerisepanther73 · 15/01/2024 01:27

@Ohdojustfuckoff

He is not a proper man at all !!

He is a weak pathetic man

Any man any idiot can produce babies 👶

It takes a proper man a real one to step up to the mark and be a good father..!

cerisepanther73 · 15/01/2024 01:29

He should be looking after you , especially that you are pregnant...

Passingthethyme · 15/01/2024 01:34

Why did you get pregnant again with him??!!

Ladyj84 · 15/01/2024 02:28

So glad my hubby is the total opposite.not only beyond supportive during the last 3 years pregnancies and a teen but works hard for us and still helps when he gets home and the night feeds. You need to find someone like it to

Ohdojustfuckoff · 15/01/2024 03:44

Sorry I only replied to one person then fell asleep.
Thank you everyone for the replies. You are all right.
He hasn't always been like this. He has worked incredibly hard in the past. Indeed he did for the first almost year of my sons life. He's always worked flat out until then..work has just been harder and he's thrown his head into the sand more.

But previous to that, he would work sometimes until just before midnight, and say leave me a list of chores, I'll do them when I get in, and he would do them before going to sleep and I didn't need to worry about money either.

He hasn't always been terrible, or this baby wouldn't have been on its way...when I fell pregnant, I was in awe of him just being a lovely husband and father. That would've been June, by a month after I think the wheels started to fall off. But then it was just a frustration that one contract had an issue, not his fault...but then it became a cycle.

This new job is also Self employed so no sick note or anything, because of what his job is, if he isn't able to physically be there they just replace him and its taken him so long this time to get a job where he isn't contracted for a 3-4 day project that he could br rained off from because its outside work that cannot go ahead... all part and parcel of having annoyed people with his attitude that's gone downhill massively.

I'm the only one with the patience for his parents, Dad's recently stopped driving, mum can't drive, and they live in a village. DH would just not get involved with anything they need. As the grandparents to my children, I couldn't see them without support.

DH can't drive as he had to be put under sedation for his operation this afternoon, so needs to not be alone or operate a car for I think it's 48 hours. That's the last straw for me today, that if he would have listened, that would have stopped the additional stress this weekend...not to mention the next few weeks of having the packing in the wound changed which I think is every few days.

I also agree, I'm problematic too, because I've enabled this. I want him to be so much better, but [ pick up the pieces, and I do martyr myself. I absolutely do. I've got really rubbish boundaries in that sense.

I think I need to step away after this particular situation has passed.

When he can drive again. I think I need to say that any negative consequences he brings to himself he's going to need to deal with, that this is the last time.

He can also control the finances better..especially with this new job being a 5 month contract..

If this doesn't get better I think I need to leave. I'm not sure how we've got to this point. He's never been this bad but it feels like during this pregnancy he's completely let us all down.

OP posts:
Flyingalone · 15/01/2024 03:48

Why do you keep producing children with this waste of space of a dad?

You couldn't pay me a million dollars to have kids with him. You're actually doing it for free. I'm exhausted just reading that. You have almost 3 kids, he's not working really. Awful.

Women need to choose better. You're literally messing up your life by choosing such poor life partner.

BayCityCoaster · 15/01/2024 04:19

Job No. 1 is sorting out decent contraception after your baby is born, so that you don’t get pregnant to him again.

And in the meantime, stop enabling his lazy incompetence.

Expect, and demand that he step up.

yeke · 15/01/2024 04:42

And why on earth do you look after his parents? He saw you coming

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/01/2024 05:07

Why are people piling on the OP?

All this smug "my husband wouldn't treat me like that, what's wrong with you that you allow this?" Sad that women are blamed not only their own behaviour but for their DCs behaviour and their DH's behaviour. What are we not responsible for?

Plus all the LTB posts. Like it's so easy..

Kwam31 · 15/01/2024 05:30

When did he get sedated or GA?
Sedation he can drive in 24 hrs, GA strictly speaking 48hrs but I'd think if he sell in himself he could drive.
He's a lazy waster and he's using you and your kindness, step back from his parents.

FindingMeno · 15/01/2024 06:01

I think you need to think of the boundaries you need to set, and enforce them.
I can see this getting worse otherwise.
Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you're not prepared to do any more, and stick to it.
I know that's easier said than done when you're used to just getting on with things, but you must.

SunflowerSeeds123 · 15/01/2024 06:09

Start saying NO.
NO, I'm not caring for your parents anymore.
NO I'm not ringing any more HCPs for you.
NO I'm not doing all the grunt work at home.
No. You have a new baby on the way, and two other kids to look after. Put them first.

JubileeJumps · 15/01/2024 06:14

Blooming heck OP he sounds pretty awful. What is the point of him?

GreatGateauxsby · 15/01/2024 06:18

Practically you need the money and his job so I'd drive him. But not be one bit happy about it.

If you can try and make the best of it.
Bring your 20m snow suit and wellies and find a nice park with a decent playground nearby bring some snacks and/or pop into a cafe (we have some good kid friendly ones with play areas) and then drive back before lunch and nap time. It'll break up the travel.

Separately - I am in similar boat, heavily pregnant with 21m old so 100% sympathy.

I'd be having a very frank conversation once the dust settles.

On the in-laws/parents front you need to 100% knock that on the head.
You put your own oxygen mask on first. Then your kids.
Then your DH's (if he still has not managed himself by that point 😅)
Then your family
THEN his family...

Sign post to social services if they need support. Let them take cabs/make their own way to appointments/get spec savers to come to them... Whatever.

Brefugee · 15/01/2024 06:48

One thing you must do is have a joint account for bills. If necessary he puts his wages in and you transfer him "spending money". Your current financial arrangement is batshit.

Sorry there is no nice way to say it: take care of your children first then yourself.

His parents need to arrange carers, you don't have the bandwidth. He needs to take responsibility for his own health.

Tbh? I think you should leave