Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend upset and ended it

43 replies

Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 12:04

We’ve been friends for years and I’m really upset by it. However I’m not sure if I she is being unreasonable or was it me?
it all started with the lead up to NY eve, she wanted to go out and I told her I most likely won’t be able to as I will have the kids at home with me.

As it turns out the kids ended up staying at their grandparents but by then it was already afternoon and I did say I’d rather not go out to central London as one I can’t afford it and also will be working the next day so can’t really stay out long.
She messaged me around 8:30pm to say if I’m coming out and I said I’ll stay home.
Just before 10pm a neighbour that lives down the road from me messaged me asking what I was doing and if I wanted to pop round for some champagne. So I did, had a few glasses of champagne and was in bed by 1am.
Now my friend found this out and was furious for not choosing her to spend NY eve with her, she was very angry that I didn’t ask her to come over to my house and see the NY together. Bearing in mind she was at work till 9:30pm and I live about 1.5 hrs away from her work it didn’t even occur to me she’d want to come over and stay the night, especially as I had to get up to go to work the next day.
I tried to explain that it wasn’t planned and was just a spur of the moment kind of thing and I didn’t mean to upset her but she isn’t having none of it.
I feel really sad by it all as I didn’t mean to cause her so much upset but was what I did really that bad? Am I a complete asshole here?

OP posts:
MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 13/01/2024 12:06

Why didn't she suggest she'd come over when you said you couldn't afford to go out in London?

You're not in the wrong here.

GrazingSheep · 13/01/2024 12:06

In fairness you gave her a string of excuses and then went out anyway.
I can see why she’s upset.

Kastri · 13/01/2024 12:09

It sounds a bit childish.You are an adult and dont need to check with other people if you want to do something or change your mind.Tell her to grow up.

TidyDancer · 13/01/2024 12:11

GrazingSheep · 13/01/2024 12:06

In fairness you gave her a string of excuses and then went out anyway.
I can see why she’s upset.

I agree with this. Have you actually apologised or just explained? To her it probably just sounds like more excuses which won't go down well when she's already feeling a bit hurt.

Original poster
Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 12:24

Yes I did apologise, but it didn’t make any difference

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 13/01/2024 12:45

It was a spur of the moment type thing.I think she is making a bit much of it TBH. Why would she have come over so late? I dont think you have done anything wrong TBH

HeddaGarbled · 13/01/2024 12:50

It does look, from your friend’s perspective, as if you chose to spend NYE with your neighbour instead of her. Did she end up staying in on her own?

Original poster
Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 12:55

Yes she did

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 13/01/2024 12:58

Two of the reasons you didn't want to go were distance and cost.

That didn't change.

You did something that was far cheaper and close.

You've apologised which is more than I'd have done. I'd have pointed out the above.

If she wants to carry on pouting then let her.

Onelifeonly · 13/01/2024 13:03

You did make clear you didn't want to go into Central London so why was she checking with you at 8.30? Hoping you'd changed your mind, presumably. Maybe you could have been clearer earlier?

Other than that, you're not in the wrong. Popping to a neighbour's is a far cry from a full evening out. And not asking her over when she was so far from you is understandable.

I suppose she feels that maybe it was HER you didn't want to spend time with, rather than that you didn't want to celebrate NYE in any way. Is she usually a bit jealous and possessive?

It's sad if she doesn't want to remain friends, but as you have apologised (though had nothing to apologise for), I'm not sure what else you can do. Wait it out and see if she gets over it?

SamW98 · 13/01/2024 13:03

One of my best friends lives 90 minutes drive away. Several times she’s asked me to do something round her way or vice versa and the other said no because of the cost, time, staying over etc

Then maybe we’ve done something cheap and local with other friends instead. Neither of us see it as a slight on the other it’s about time and cost involved.

Think your friend is being a bit precious tbh as you had explained and apologised.

ForTonightGodisaDJ · 13/01/2024 13:08

It's a tricky one but I'm slightly edging towards your side of things. Has she had outbursts like this before? If so, it would be a red flag for me. If not, then I would give her another chance, not that she wants one at the moment it sounds!

Opentooffers · 13/01/2024 13:17

I think the communication between you could of been better. It sounds like you were her only option and it's understandable that she wouldn't want to see the NY in on her own if possible, who would, given a choice. But, given that she was working till 9.30, the onus really was on her to ask if it would be OK for her to come over. When you said you didn't want to do London, that was the moment either you or her could of come up with an alternative. As it was, you assumed she wouldn't and she probably assumed you'd invite her if it was an option for you, but neither of you said anything. It's an unfortunate communication lapse in time.
You've fallen foul of the pressure people feel under for 1 night of the year. She's now giving too much importance to it given that she might experience another 50 or so NYE nights in her lifetime.
Give it time, she will either get over herself or not - in which case she's a drama llamas. If she's any sense, she'll come round.

Original poster
Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 13:17

Thank you for your responses.
She sent me screen shots of my messages to her on the NYE when I messaged her that I was not going out and asking whether that was before or after my neighbour messaged me
She was trying to get the time frame of my decision to go to my neighbour’s house
It all felt a bit much

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 13:22

I’ve spent the last 8 years on my own on NYE due to having small children
they were always in bed by 9 and I just usually went to bed early not even waiting up till 12:00
so for me I guess it’s not a big deal to just stay in and not do anything
I didn’t realise it meant so much to her

OP posts:
SamW98 · 13/01/2024 13:25

Lisbon2012 · 13/01/2024 13:17

Thank you for your responses.
She sent me screen shots of my messages to her on the NYE when I messaged her that I was not going out and asking whether that was before or after my neighbour messaged me
She was trying to get the time frame of my decision to go to my neighbour’s house
It all felt a bit much

Edited

That would be too much for me tbh as it feels like a ‘got ya’

She either needs to accept your apology and move on or walk away. Playing silly games isn’t the way to behave

Freeasabird76 · 13/01/2024 13:27

Popping round the neighbours is nothing like having to get dressed up and go into the city,I'm on your side.

Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 13:33

I guess if you are single then NYE is a big deal and it's a marker of your 'aloneness'.
Easy to forget when you have kids.

Also sounds like she has a very small pool of friends so therefore is over-reliant on you.

Who minded your kids while you were down the neighbors?
You got a sitter then?

I guess you did 'go out' but you told her you weren't going out.

That's how she sees it. You were out til 1am socialising and drinking having said you were not going out.
You chose the neighbour over her. She's jealous and left out.

It's probably not worth ending the friendship over, I figure she's in a lonely place at the minute.

Unless she's always this demanding and controlling and this is the umpteenth time this type of thing has occurred with her.

candycane222 · 13/01/2024 13:35

If she was so desperate to "do something" on NYE then she should have organised it: eiher suggesting she come over to yours for the evening (and you could have said yes but been clear it was pjs at kids bedtime, straight to bed after the midnight toast).

Or you could have said no (eg because she is a mad drinker and it would be hrd to keep yourself in a fit state for work) and she could have gone elsewhere/invited someone else (especially if she knew they were having a party 😅) or otherwise made plans that suited jer without needing you.

Lucy377 · 13/01/2024 13:35

Oh I see the kids were at grandparents.

LakeTiticaca · 13/01/2024 13:38

She sounds a tad oversensitive. You didn't go OUT out, you just popped nextdorr for a couple glasses of fizz. I for one certainly wouldn't want to travel into Central London on NYE. Your friend needs to build a bridge and get over it

Allthewallsarewhite · 13/01/2024 13:42

The asking for times to compare against text messages is a massive red flag. She's trying to push you into corner basically saying she doesn't believe your reasons and you've lied to her. Too much.
I would have been annoyed in her shoes, but after talking to you about it I would have let it go. I would never have escalated an argument like that. Sounds like some underlying issues

Guavafish1 · 13/01/2024 13:45

You should have told her im going to the neighbours to celebrate. You apologied and that should be the end of that.

She needs to communicate better about wanted to come over.

shreknjumps · 13/01/2024 13:50

"I would have been annoyed in her shoes"

What? Why? So a friend asks if you want to go on a big night out. You say no thanks. They try again to persuade you but you've work the next day and don't want to. You say no thanks. A couple of hours later your neighbour says, if you're not doing anything pop round for a drink. You think oh that's nice and you go round for a couple of drinks.

You'd understand a friend being annoyed at you for it? Bizarre.

KirstenBlest · 13/01/2024 13:53

You don't need friends like that @Lisbon2012 .