Minor parenting issues becoming a strain on our marriage, what can I do?

[AllTheChocolateButtons]

Dh and I have 3 kids: 7yo, 5yo and 1yo. The youngest dc is what I'd call a high needs baby around sleep, in that she needs to be with someone either co sleeping or on their arms to sleep. Similar to my eldest, very different to my happy little sleeper middle child.

I am happy to cosleep with dc3 as I breastfeed and she goes back to sleep quickly, we both get a decent night (mostly). Until a few weeks ago dh was sleeping in the spare bed, getting a full night's rest and I often handed over to him in the morning if dc had been up more often than usual. Worked fine. We have no sex life to speak of, so where he sleeps would make no difference. That's a thread for another time I guess.

Anyway, dh has come back into the marital bed on his own accord, and everyone is disturbed. Dc and I have less space, and dh is now getting woken in the night. So he's decided to do some sort of sleep training with her without discussing it, and is pissed off with me for not being grateful. I tried to discuss it and he shut me down with his reasons for doing it, with no attempt to understand why it upset me or how he could help.

Meanwhile he's been shouting at the other two for the past few weeks (despite me asking him not to), so now they both won't go to him for comfort. I'm somehow the bad guy as they don't want to go to him and only want me.

I know this is all about parenting, but I'm at a loss as to how to talk to dh about this or handle it as he shuts me down, moves on and then acts like everything is fine again. I am left feeling unheard, without any form of closure, and a bit like an open wound. It just doesn't feel very loving anymore.

Is this the end of our marriage? If we can't even resolve relatively minor parenting issues together? How do we move through this together?

You're both knackered so the shouting and you being all "this is the end!" Are products of that. I think priority is to get you all sleeping so the key question is why does he want back in the main bed? Is he lonely? Can you get some time on your own now the youngest is a bit older? Is the mattress in the spare room horrible? If so would a new one sort it out?

People needs sleep and the ability to have an normal life sleeping where they want sure people can say parents are robots and their every single thought and decision has to revolve around children but people are human

If sleep training needs to be done then it needs to be done by both parents

I think you need to find out why he is trying to change the status quo?

Sounds like he wants his wife back

I think its a good idea to sit down and discuss sleeping arrangements. Make some targets with the little one ... aiming to get him to sleep alone once you finish breast feeding. See if you can make time together.

He obviously loves you (unless there is something abusive he done that you've not written) just gone about it the wrong way.

If shouting and not listening to you and making brash decisions is out of character, is it possible he could be depressed?

That’s what happened to my DH when our 3 DCs were similar ages and we had a similar sleeping arrangement. I got him into counselling and he very quickly regained his composure and his ability to discuss things normally with me.

1 and co sleeps hmm my 3 were in there own room and beds. I feel sorry for him no sleep no physicalness I think you need to re think things

So the lack of sex is more about his work hours than anything else. Most nights he's on calls 7pm-11pm so I go to bed in that time. My evenings are really lonely but I don't mind most of the time. Just means very little opportunity for intimacy. And my libido is through the floor while I feed.

The spare room bed had a new super comfy mattress so I don't think it was that. More like a feeling that enough was enough.

No abuse to speak of, just two people living very separate lives in the same house. I work part time and am primary carer / planner in the household, and most conversations are about planning our time, what's happening in the next week, who to see on weekends.

What also is a low level irritant is that he tells his mum how disturbed his sleep has been (that's about 3 weeks in 14 months) and she feels ever so sorry for him. I was coping ok cosleeping just with dc as I said, so the current situation is much worse sleep wise than the separate beds if that makes sense. I guess he came in, created a problem, became pissed off with the problem and then decided a solution without any conversation.

My thinking on this is that all kids are different, and all three of mine have been, so while you had your kids all in own room by then doesn't really have any bearing on my kids sleep situation. I'm responding to her needs more than any expectations on milestones etc.

Oh the poor lamb, 3 weeks of broken sleep in 14 months. I'd be telling him that until he's had years of it and breastfeeding on top then he really can't complain. Oh and going to mommy and telling on you, ick ×1000

Find some time without the kids. Make it happen 2-3 hours. Go for a bite to eat and explain you know how hard it is at moment for everyone and want to find a compromise. You are both utterly exhausted and need to find a working solution to get you through the trenches.

Oh the poor lamb, 3 weeks of broken sleep in 14 months. I'd be telling him that until he's had years of it and breastfeeding on top then he really can't complain. Oh and going to mommy and telling on you, ick ×1000
That would annoy me too.
He has 3 kids and every child is different. He's done very well not to have much more broken sleep, probably because the OP has done what works for each of her children.

Lots of people take the approach of doing what's needed so everyone gets sleep.
He's the one who's upset the apple cart without discussion, then implemented sleep training without discussion and is pissed off and shouting when the OP isn't suitably grateful to him.

Make some goals regarding your daughter not sleeping in your bed and spending some regular recreation time with husband
If DH wants to sleep in his own bed that is fair.
Can you add the cot to your room?
Can you both agree on a plan for third child to learn to sleep in her cot?
Is there a time that is logical for you and DH to have some uninterupted child free time? Both of you will need to make sacrifices.

I would enroll in a short online parenting course together.
I would take family walks with pram and older children to the park - kids can be busy and adults can talk.

I don't think this is a minor issue, in fact it's quite huge. Was there any discussion around what you'd do if this baby was a poor sleeper as yiur first one was prior to getting I pregnant. I'm with your DH, sounds like your child needs sleep training, it will do all of you good to get proper sleep, most of all your DC

Your DH's place is in your marital bed, whether or not you have sex- that's separate. It's about intimacy and prioritizing the marriage, which both parties must do if it's ever going to last.

By all means, have your child sleep in your bed as well as your DH, but never instead of. He's already sacrificed a year, and you resent him coming back in?

He's obviously been struggling, and instead of burdening you with it and adding to your load, he's taken responsibility for solving the problem, moved back in to your bed and sleep training your child. If this is not your preferred solution for your DC, by all means work together with your DH to try something else, but your DH stays in your bed.

Your husband loves you and wants you. Be happy!

As pp said, these are not small issues because they are having a big impact.
You are in the "danger zone" that many couples find themselves in with small children and you need to act now in order to avoid damaging your relationship.
Although your partner has been annoying in the way he has interfered with the sleeping arrangements, it is showing you that things aren't right & together you need to make changes. Better that than him saying nothing and you having no clue about the resentment he is clearly feeling.
I'm not saying he's right at all, but you definitely need to find time together to discuss how you both feel and to find a way forward. Don't ignore this. Communication is the key.

Shouting at the DC and unilaterally starting ‘sleep training’ having previously done little parenting at night, and working til 11pm most nights (unless he works shifts and these are the hours) are not ‘minor issues’.

I think you’re in a situation that many parents end up in. Cosleeping is great if it works for all parties, and in your situation that’s not the case. Look at it from your DHs point of view. Your baby should no longer need a feed in the night, yet you’re still feeding them which means your DH has to sleep elsewhere. That’s your choice, not DHs. You’re choosing to continue to BF the baby when it’s not necessary because that’s the easier option than trying to get baby sleeping in their own cot.
Relationships are all about compromise. Currently, only your DH is having to compromise. You both need to spend some time away from the DCs discussing what you want moving forward. Perhaps it’s time to stop the cosleeping for everyone - after all, would you prefer it to drive such a wedge between you both that your relationship breaks up? How will that impact on your children?
You both think that each other is doing something wrong but in reality you’re both doing the same thing wrong - not listening to each other and not being willing to compromise.

It is absolutely not the case that OP is choosing to continue breastfeeding when it is not necessary. This is totally untrue, it is recommended to continue breastfeeding until at least 2 years old. OP is doing what she believes to be the best for her DC. You cannot come at her for that. This is an issue around sleep, not breastfeeding.

If I got turfed out of my bed because my DH unilaterally decided that one of the dc needed to sleep there every night instead then I'd be pissed off. And my marriage would definitely suffer.

Your DH has gone about it in the wrong way, but I can totally understand his frustration. He's not happy with the status quo, so he's trying to make changes. What he should have done was discussed this with you to find a solution that works for everyone. So I would suggest starting this conversation, but be prepared to compromise and make some changes. Sometimes you have to prioritise what is best for the family as a whole over what is best for one child. A happy marriage between parents is going to be more beneficial for DC long term, than putting off sleep training.

Of course if he is actually a shouty, abusive arsehole, then getting him out of the dc's home might be the most beneficial thing for them. But if it is the case that he's just very unhappy with the current situation and wants to improve your marriage, then hear him out and be open to his suggestions.

Totally agree with this. Everyone I know BF and they didn't co-sleep, baby can either sleep in the same room or another room. The co-sleeping is the issue, but not the only issue clearly there is more going on

I'd say he's had his head turned and is trying to fight against it by reigniting your sex life wgilst not seeing that his work is a part of the issue

This will be about sex. Always is.

What absolute bollocks

There are some strange replies here!

What the parenting choices are aren’t really the point. And I actually don’t think the OP is being dramatic. I am actually all for sleep training (when it’s age appropriate - I’m not suggesting training small babies) but how and when and what method should never be unilaterally decided by one parent.

Parenting young children is hard but discussion and mutual respect are needed in any marriage or relationship, far more than sharing a bed.

It is one thing to say ‘I’d really like to start sleeping in my bed again. Could we think about doing this for DD2 so we can work towards that?’ and suddenly appearing and starting sleep training with no prior consultation or discussion!

I'm really looking for advice in our relationship, not a poll on who is right and who is wrong, or on the merits of sleep training. I tried earlier to train her and it did not work for her at all, so I'm not at all entertaining the idea of leaving her to cry. That's one way to create a load of anxiety and resentment towards dh if he tries it.

I bf the other two until 2.5 so it isn't a surprise that I'm still feeding this one. The cosleeping is new but that's getting all of us the most sleep. Yes it means he has to sleep elsewhere but isn't a peaceful uninterrupted night (and reasonably well slept wife) worth it? I thought so.

I take the advice though on trying to plan in some time together. Hard to do in the week when he's working these long hours - not shift work, stars at 9am each day, stops 5.30-7pm to help with kids, then back at it until late.

Any advice on being heard? Like finding a way to connect? I am try to take an "i feel" approach rather than "you're making me feel.." and speaking calmly, not accusatory, but he goes straight into a defensive mode, assumes the worst about my intentions etc. It's really really hard to make any headway.

Absolutely it is the sudden changes without discussing it that's put me on edge and I'm trying to talk it through with him, find a compromise, but he shuts down the conversation.