Minor parenting issues becoming a strain on our marriage, what can I do?

[AllTheChocolateButtons]

Dh and I have 3 kids: 7yo, 5yo and 1yo. The youngest dc is what I'd call a high needs baby around sleep, in that she needs to be with someone either co sleeping or on their arms to sleep. Similar to my eldest, very different to my happy little sleeper middle child.

I am happy to cosleep with dc3 as I breastfeed and she goes back to sleep quickly, we both get a decent night (mostly). Until a few weeks ago dh was sleeping in the spare bed, getting a full night's rest and I often handed over to him in the morning if dc had been up more often than usual. Worked fine. We have no sex life to speak of, so where he sleeps would make no difference. That's a thread for another time I guess.

Anyway, dh has come back into the marital bed on his own accord, and everyone is disturbed. Dc and I have less space, and dh is now getting woken in the night. So he's decided to do some sort of sleep training with her without discussing it, and is pissed off with me for not being grateful. I tried to discuss it and he shut me down with his reasons for doing it, with no attempt to understand why it upset me or how he could help.

Meanwhile he's been shouting at the other two for the past few weeks (despite me asking him not to), so now they both won't go to him for comfort. I'm somehow the bad guy as they don't want to go to him and only want me.

I know this is all about parenting, but I'm at a loss as to how to talk to dh about this or handle it as he shuts me down, moves on and then acts like everything is fine again. I am left feeling unheard, without any form of closure, and a bit like an open wound. It just doesn't feel very loving anymore.

Is this the end of our marriage? If we can't even resolve relatively minor parenting issues together? How do we move through this together?

Any advice on being heard? Like finding a way to connect? I am try to take an "i feel" approach rather than "you're making me feel.." and speaking calmly, not accusatory, but he goes straight into a defensive mode, assumes the worst about my intentions etc. It's really really hard to make any headway.

I agree with a PP who said you need to get out of the house for lunch over the weekend and talk about this all. Perhaps agree at the start to listen and not talk over one another. You both have your own wants about what should happen and are both trying to justify that to the other.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with him wanting to sleep in his own bedroom with his own wife. The way you have written it here suggests that you think he's outrageous for doing so. It's clear that's what he wants.

I also think that if my husband tried to police what I said to my own mother I would be bemused. Are you saying that you have never talked about any of this t anyone?

This really rings true, thanks for sharing

Its not that he talked to his mum, it's that he felt the need to seek out her sympathy for a few weeks of bad sleep that he himself instigated. That just wound me up, it's probably not really significant and I'll get over it!

I am speaking from my own experience but I would say you have been given an opportunity here to make changes before it's too late
My exH didn't express his unhappiness to me in the baby years or even show it really but what he did do was seek solace in someone else's bed instead. I didn't find out the extent of this until years later and that directly led to the ending of our marriage.
I desperately wished I had known the depth of my exH's struggles around the early years of parenting because we could have made changes. He robbed us of this opportunity which we both ultimately regretted deeply.
So my advice is - don't turn this into a battle ground but see it as the catalyst for change and better communication which it just might be

I think you're both very tired and grumpy because of that and therefore communicating badly.

I think your DH is trying to communicate that he wants more intimacy (emotional intimacy not sex though probably that too!) with you and feels hurt that you don't seem to care about that. I think that's understandable.

I think you are just knackered and trying to get through. That's understandable too.

I think more time together would really help you both. If you can, could you both take a day off when the kids are in childcare/school and just spend some time together?

An update.

We've talked. A few times actually, but this one tonight was a biggie.

He's definitely depressed, and is feeling generally terrible. I had told him in on egg shells around him, as he's giving off very agro vibes at all times, and he said that's not directed at me and is a reflection on how he feels. The next step will be to get him some help but I'm not convinced he'll do it as he never has time for anything.

He's also agreed to a week of not shouting at the kids, which sounds like a really weird challenge to set but he's taken it on. So we'll see.

Baby is in her room a bit more these days but it makes no difference to our non existent sex life as he's in bed long after I've gone to sleep after working late (from home).