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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've chosen shit men all my life ... Why?

45 replies

hirkle · 12/01/2024 19:46

And what can I do to turn this around for once and for all.
I'm 49, divorced and have done lots of work on myself but I need clarity and objectivity , please and thank you.

OP posts:
User135644 · 12/01/2024 19:49

What do you find attractive in men?

Ohwhatthewhatwhatnow · 12/01/2024 19:49

Have you chosen them, or have you let them choose you..?

Guavafish1 · 12/01/2024 19:50

Most men are rubbish... some of it is to due with probability.

Ragwort · 12/01/2024 19:53

What exactly do you want in a man? What do you think they add to your life?

Dacadactyl · 12/01/2024 19:53

What was your own dad like? Other male role models growing up? Did you ever feel like you could rely on men growing up?

My dad, grandads, uncles etc...all of them family men you could rely on to be there for you. I have picked a good guy for a husband and so has my sister.

I wonder whether your role models may have something to do with it.

Dacadactyl · 12/01/2024 19:55

And in terms of what you can do about it (if you think I might be right) then maybe some sort of counselling.

hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:00

I like humour, intelligence.. social and otherwise, kindness and a man who has integrity.
My history involves being utterly obsessed with first love.. he finished with me but I allowed myself to be used in the end.(20s for a few years)
The second man dumped me after a year as he needed to concentrate on his final exams at Uni. Again, I allowed myself to be used for a time afterwards.
The third was just plain odd and quirky but a drinker so that came first. He was strikingly beautiful so my immaturity allowed me to stay longer than I should have.
I married the fourth at 30 . Quiet, unfunny, kind, unattractive but hardworking ... until we had a family and while he wanted the marriage and family status, he put zero effort into either. He also left me. For another woman. He has had multiple relationships since... bouncing from one to the other.we were together for 15 years. A dead unfulfilling and lonely marriage once kids came along.
I broke the hearts of two men. One was a rebound and the other and I were incompatible.
These experiences were from the age of 20-48.
My last relationship was a year after my marriage ended and we were together through Covid but were ultimately incompatible . See above .
So that's me.
How can I improve myself here ?
Why did I set my own bar so low.
I must have felt worthless I guess.

OP posts:
FancyBiscuitsLevel · 12/01/2024 20:00

in what way were they all shit? Were they shit in similar ways or very different people with different shittiness?

in my experience, many woman who are with shit men, tolerate low level shitness early on, then be surprised it gets worse.

being prepared to accept single is better than being with someone a bit shit is important.

hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:04

My Dad was an alcoholic who loved me of course but loved alcohol more. He does when I was a late teen but had given up alcohol some years previous. We got on well then and I always felt he tried to make it up to me. It was thought I was ' his favourite ' possibly as I was the only one with memories of him drinking so possibly guilt ridden.
He was an old fashioned man . Strict etc while my mother was more of a free spirit , independent and encouraged her daughters to be independent and always financially sound outside of a relationship.

OP posts:
hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:07

Shit .. meaning they really had no great interest in me. Everything else always came first... sport, drink, work. I tolerated that especially in my marriage but with kids, I had little choice as I was main earner and really the sole carer of my kids. He was disgracefully useless. I had fully planned to leave him. He made it easy for me.

OP posts:
hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:10

Their personalities bar one were quite similar...
Quirky, opinionated, socially inappropriate, not really popular r liked that much, few friends , no real hobbies or past times, financially inept, ot sorted with house/ car.. in their thirties despite well paying jobs . Shit fathers.

OP posts:
hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:19

I think I probably let them choose me to answer that question. I probably didn't think I deserved too much .
I now find myself strong, able, a good enough mother. I know I'm resilient, independent and kind but I can be abrupt. My mental health is now strong.
I consider myself to have a lot to give as a person.
I would ultimately like deep friendship, a strong emotional connection, shared humour, interests, intelligence and financial responsibility and a strong physical connection.
I would like to just be myself and accepted as such without pandering, accepting less than, minding or taking care of a man. A partner in the literal sense of the word. I guess.

OP posts:
Lamelie · 12/01/2024 20:35

hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:00

I like humour, intelligence.. social and otherwise, kindness and a man who has integrity.
My history involves being utterly obsessed with first love.. he finished with me but I allowed myself to be used in the end.(20s for a few years)
The second man dumped me after a year as he needed to concentrate on his final exams at Uni. Again, I allowed myself to be used for a time afterwards.
The third was just plain odd and quirky but a drinker so that came first. He was strikingly beautiful so my immaturity allowed me to stay longer than I should have.
I married the fourth at 30 . Quiet, unfunny, kind, unattractive but hardworking ... until we had a family and while he wanted the marriage and family status, he put zero effort into either. He also left me. For another woman. He has had multiple relationships since... bouncing from one to the other.we were together for 15 years. A dead unfulfilling and lonely marriage once kids came along.
I broke the hearts of two men. One was a rebound and the other and I were incompatible.
These experiences were from the age of 20-48.
My last relationship was a year after my marriage ended and we were together through Covid but were ultimately incompatible . See above .
So that's me.
How can I improve myself here ?
Why did I set my own bar so low.
I must have felt worthless I guess.

You’re so hard on yourself.
That sounds like normal dating history. I thought you were going to describe multiple abusive relationships.

Throwawayme · 12/01/2024 20:39

Honestly it's not you. Most men are just shit. Of course there are good ones but they're mostly rubbish. You can of course be happy just you

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 20:42

to some extent it is what it is

I’m assuming you have had success and joy in other areas ?

try on single for a while , stop stressing about it and focus your precious time else where

the reasons are well documented
childhood patterns
low self esteem
neuro diversity

im the same and I’m taking the pressure off
I’m not dating for a while

ce sera

hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:43

Thanks.
I wondered that because my dad was an absent one for so long and my mother a disgruntled and unfulfilled housewife , if it had a bearing on how I ended up ?
I love my home. It's peaceful now, kids are settling after a few horrid years. It's warm, relatively organised and I enjoy reading/ watching docs and cooking. There is peace and I won't ever have a man live with me while my kids are here but a boyfriend and company for my limited free time may be nice in the future. I just want to raise my standards and see what I can do to ensure I choose next time and I choose well going into older age.

OP posts:
hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:46

@Indifferentchickenwings
Can I ask what you mean by reasons being well documented ?
Particularly neurodiversity .
Thanks

OP posts:
hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:47

I've had great success in life.. a wonderful sibling, a small bunch of very close friends, great relationships with colleagues and acquaintances, education, finance and my kids are doing well now.

OP posts:
Marrongrass · 12/01/2024 20:50

It sounds like your pattern is in ending up with men who turn out to be putting something else first — whether that's alcohol, exams/work, other women...as modelled by your father and his drinking.

An unconscious hope that this time they'll put you first?

The next step might be to think about what early signs you might have noticed, had you the benefits of hindsight and experience as you do now, the signs that they were going to be focused elsewhere, even if they did love you too.

Firstly, spend some time really, truly putting yourself first, fulfilling some dreams, finding what you want out of life?

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 20:55

hirkle

as a general rule women (not all ) with ND can have a really hard time in relationships and are more prone to abusive relationships

mix of reasons including

  • poor self esteem
  • not able to read signs with someone who’s a wrong un
  • Increased anxiety and limerence
  • less able and confident to establish boundaries
  • comfortable with fucked up men , as they feel that way too
im not an expert but this rings very true for me both personally and what I see

but can I also urge you to not beat yourself up?

you have had realtionships and they ended
this happens to pretty much everyone

hirkle · 12/01/2024 20:59

@Indifferentchickenwings thanks for that but I'm not ND or at least don't think I am.

OP posts:
WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 12/01/2024 21:03

Firstly, a great deal of men are shit. And well versed in how to hide that fact for as long as they can, in order to claim a partner for sex/housework/child raising/a second income.

I think some of us have been let down by our start in life, that we have a real eagerness to find our happy ever after, and so explore relationships that a more self secure person wouldn't even contemplate.

It's a cruel lesson that we take on the shit that the better esteemed women push away, so by the time we've been through the mill, the good men have been long taken by the women who insisted on a good man, and we are left with divorcees and often baggage in whatever form that takes - a man financially ruined by divorce, a man with children and the problems trying to become a blended family, a man with a problematic ex wife, and essentially a man that could not keep his marriage, (his fault potentially but not always) so when we are ready to receive what we deserve, there's a very limited pool of real options to choose from. Singledom is often more appealing.

I think you need to make peace with the fact that you may never find someone, because unless they are truly worthy of you, you don't even give them a second look. You owe that to yourself xx

OldTinHat · 12/01/2024 21:04

You don't NEED a man. You want one, maybe.

Set your sail and go alone for a while. Just see where life takes you. Don't have expectations. Go with the flow and enjoy being you.

Indifferentchickenwings · 12/01/2024 21:34

I wondered that because my dad was an absent one for so long and my mother a disgruntled and unfulfilled housewife , if it had a bearing on how I ended up ?

yes and for some reason late 40s is when it all
comes out in the wash 🧼

its painful but it’s like festering
got to get it out !

hirkle · 12/01/2024 21:36

Thanks @Indifferentchickenwings
So what can I do ? How does one try to ensure they raise their bar ? Is it too late even if there are decidedly few decent ones around ?

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