Husband with BPD/EUPD. Will things ever get better?

[s1ckofitall]

My husband has been severely mentally ill for years. We have three children. He is a good dad in some ways and cares about us but is very Jekyll and Hyde and has started to escalate his behaviour in recent years. He has always been erratic, losing jobs and walking out of jobs and putting our family in danger financially. He has started getting nastier and nastier, throwing things around and spitting at me when we have a disagreement. He has a working diagnosis of BPD/EUPD. He smokes weed and refuses to cut down or stop.
I am getting more and more sick with fibromyalgia symptoms and anxiety related to his behaviour. I am getting to the point where I can't cope any longer with his behaviour and I am getting increasingly worried about our three children.
I guess I don't know why I'm posting , just want to see if anyone else has experiences or has any suggestions to help with this condition. I don't want to give up on him completely if only for the children. He does not engage with any therapy. He has been offered DBT but will not do this as he cannot stand group therapy work. Are there any other therapies/medication that could work?
I am getting to the point where I know I need to leave but I do not have the finances to do it. I can't move in with my parents due to lack of space in the house and our 3 kids. I don't even want to look at him, let alone touch him at the moment due to his appalling behaviour.

The main problem here is his refusal to put in the hard work he needs to do to be as well as he can be. That means dumping the weed and doing the DBT, tough shit if he doesn't want to. My DS has BPD and is on the waiting list for DBT. He works so hard to be a functional person and is great to be around because of that. He's 20. If your grown-ass husband won't make the effort for you, that tells you everything you need to know. I would lay it out for him: he stops using weed, he engages with DBT and he controls his behaviour or he's out. His illness is not a free pass to be abusive.

Throwing things and spitting at you? He sounds vile.

You should speak to womens aid or another domestic abuse charity. There is help out there to leave.

He needs to help himself in order for anything else to work. If hes unwilling to do that then you can't make him get the help he needs, mh issues do not give him the right to behave in these horrid ways and you shouldn't have to put up with it either. Theres only so much you can do, and only so much you can take before you will be at the end of your tether completely with him. If you see that he's never going to change and is totally unwilling, then begin to think about a plan to leave. It's definitely not as simple as that with children and finances etc but the children shouldn't have to be around this behaviour just because he can't stand group therapy sessions. If you can, put a few quid away here and there. There's women's aid who you can speak to for advice aswell. 💕

Hey my partner was diagnosed with BPD last year after years of symptoms. They were severe, but in a different way to your partner. I have stood by him and supported him, but that's only because he's actually tried to help himself. Anger management helped slightly (this was before the diagnosis), since then he was offered therapy called the STEPS programme. This has made a huge difference and it was one on one. He still needs further help which is lined up, but the steps programme did make a huge difference.
If your partner is not willing to engage in any kind of therapy then to put it bluntly, you either accept him how he is, or you leave. He will not change without the help, he can't change without the help. Do some reading up on BPD and you will quickly realise this isn't something he can tackle without professional help.

I don't want to give up on him completely if only for the children.

If only for your children you should walk away from this toxic relationship*

Be honest, you aren’t staying for your children, you’re staying because of an unhealthy attachment to a toxic relationship. You’re so preoccupied trying to fix an untenable situation that you’re unaware of the damage this situation is doing to your children. This man is not broken, he’s just someone who isn’t compatible for a stable life with children especially when his partner is codependent.

If only for your children, leave and get professional mh support for yourself and your kids.

My relative has EUPD. They want a magic pill to solve everything for them and so they also won't put in the work - they have actually been discharged from mental health services because of it.

So no it won't get better - you need to take your children out of that situation. I was advised not to leave my children unsupervised with said relative.

I think you need to provide your children with a calm, safe environment to grow up in. Also, if you leave/ chuck him out, it might be the kick up the arse he needs to start treatment.

You and your children have only one life. Why let their younger years be upset in this manner which may cause them mental health problems now or in the future?

Why live your own life being dragged down by this man?

You don't want to walk away from him because of the children? Let me tell you something it will mess your children up even more being with him, they have to witness all this, trust me it's not pleasant growing up in an environment like this and your children will not thank you for it. Better to be on your own and have a stable relationship with your children than living with this man that will cause untold damage to your children.

What agentjohnson wrote. Read about codependency and see how much this state relates to your behaviour in this relationship.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What do you want your children to remember the most about their childhoods, What you are describing absolutely cannot become the abiding memory or cornerstone of their childhoods.

Women in poor relationships often write that good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to write about their man. You cannot and must not use the children as a reason to stay with him as that teaches the, a whole heap of damaging crap about relationships. Staying for the supposed sake of the kids never works out all that well and you’ve really stayed with him for your own reasons.

You do not need finances in order to leave, you just need to give yourself permission to leave. You are married to this man and thus can divorce him, exercise your legal rights here fully. Knowledge here is power, do not let your own worries here over finances etc prevent you from leaving. Would urge you to seek legal advice asap and also enlist the help of Women’s Aid.

You also cannot act as either a rescuer or saviour in any relationship, neither approach works. He has to want to help his own self here and he clearly does not want any, let alone your, help or support. You are far too close to be of any real use to him anyway, not that he at all wants your help. You cannot help anyone who ultimately does not want to be saved.

That's abusive behaviour on his part, and you owe it to yourself and your children to leave. He's flat out refusing to get the right help, so you really have no choice.

I battle my own mental health demons, but I am sick and tired of people using them as a reason to excuse abusive behaviour (not you personally). Abuse is abuse. You shouldn't have to live with that.

I agree with PP’s. My Dad has suffered from lifelong MH problems and this may sound harsh, but imo a parent who isn’t actively trying to manage their MH isn’t parenting properly. It’s incredibly selfish to bring children into the world and the refuse any treatment for your MH problems. My Dad did this at various times and the result is that I’ve never trusted him and have always known that I can’t rely on him. That’s not good parenting. I’m not suggesting that parents “must” be mentally well all the time (I’m diagnosed and medicated for GAD myself) but we owe it to our children to accept help and try to get better, iyswim.

Honestly, I think you need to make plans to end the relationship and get your children out of the situation. If he won’t help himself for their sake, nothing’s going to improve, it’ll just get worse. 💐

I think the best thing you can do for BOTH of you is leave. There is a point where support becomes enabling and therefore part of the problem.

You’re being abused. Regardless of what mental health issues he’s got you’re being abused. You and your children are not rehabilitation centres for mentally unwell people and if he’s not willing to change, and stop the abuse of you then that’s not your problem. You don’t need to fix him.

Please contact women’s aid or refuge, they will be able to give you further advice. Sending love.

Yes, I do feel I'm at the point where I have had enough now and I am fully aware that there is probably an element of co-dependency.
Unfortunately I do need the finances to leave. It's not like the situation of a lot of other posters where there is equity in a house. We haven't been able to buy, mainly because he has messed up several jobs and lost work throughout our marriage. We currently rent a terrace for over £1k and we can barely afford rent/childcare with both wages as it is. Unfortunately women leaving are in between a rock and a hard place with the cost of housing at the moment.

Could your parents help you out at all, just to get you out of the situation? Could they lend you anything? Personally, I think it round be best if he left and you stayed in the house (at least while you work out what you’re going to do long term, find out what you’ll be entitled to help-wise )as it’ll be less disruptive for your children.

My parents have been great and have been really worried about me for a long time but as pensioners on a small income they can't help with money unfortunately. I have tried to get on the council housing list to try and rent somewhere affordable as opposed to extortionate private rent but I have been knocked back by them as we're "adequately housed". Never mind that we can't really afford the recent huge increases in rent. I know there are lots in the same situation and the lists are huge.

Speak to your council about fleeing domestic abuse, there should be some advice there x

Have you made the council aware that you may be adequately housed, but its currently with someone who is abusive to you and suffering with one if the worst mental health conditions out there and it's you and your children taking the brunt of it? If you haven't done this then you need to and you have got to be very clear just how bad it is. I won't Evan say lay it on thick because there's no need, the damage this condition can cause is bad enough there is no need for exaggerating.

Another option is also to contact the person who diagnosed him or any mental health team he is under/been under that are aware of his condition. So long as you were down as his next of kin when he last saw someone from the team, they will be able to release info about him to you. I'd ask them if its possible to write you a supporting letter to confirm your husbands diagnosis, the traits/behaviours this brings, and his refusal to engage in help. I don't know for certain if they can do that without his permission, but they may be able to by keeping his name off the letter. If they can then it's something from a professional that backs up the hellish behaviour you and the kids are having to put up with the longer you remain in that house.

Also the kids school, if they aren't aware, make them aware. Ask teachers/heads of year for a supporting letter to confirm that you've reached out to them just to keep an extra eye on the kids due to what's going on at home, and they should 100% back you up and confirm in writing the wellbeing of the kids is going to become an ongoing issue as long as they are in the same property as him. The more supporting info you can get to take to the council to confirm yourself and the kids are suffering in his presence the better. Also make school aware of your own health issues and you are now worried that the husbands behaviour is causing your flare ups and your worried about reaching a point of struggling with the kids if it carries on. School can then add this into a letter for you and express the obvious concern this will result in for the kids should your health deteriorate, and it will allow them to support you should you start needing it.

Get on at your GP for the same thing. Health deteriorating due to husbands mental health being out of control and the unwillingness to seek help is now putting your health at further risk and therfore your ability to care for children should it continue together worse. They can write a supporting letter for this.

Have you checked what benefits you would be entitled to if you leave?

If you don't want to leave then all I'll say is be prepared for worse if the weed smoking stops. That's usually a very good way to mask and calm alot of the shitty behaviour EUPD people have. I can't see it getting better if he goes and cuts the weed out without professional help to manage his behavior. Would he actually be willing to try therapies if they weren't in a group?
If not,.you've got not hope of change from my experience

It is worth talking to the children's school and making them aware. They may be able to offer the kids play therapy in the meantime which will help them deal with the situation generally.

It is possible they will do a SS referral as well which might get you some help and also might help with housing.

How old are the kids?

Would you be able to get UC if it was just you and the kids?

It is probably a good idea to put together a grab bag for in case he gets physically abusive so that you can leave at short notice if you have to.

Eupd can be a reason for abusive behaviour but it is never an excuse.

You don't owe anyone staying in an abusive relationship.

It could easily be npd or sociopathy too btw. Lots of overlapping traits between the disorders. Sometimes they exist together.

Either way, abusers like to give themselves diagnosis to 'excuse' their behaviours and guilt you into staying. Don't fall for that shit.

Run.

If he's continuing to smoke weed and refuses DBT you have no option really. It will be worse for the kids if you stay. DBT has decent evidence for it making a difference so he must not want to change

This is the issue. To solve any problem you need to take responsibility. If any person is unwilling to take full responsibility for themself and their actions you are on a hiding to nothing dealing with them. My experience of dealing with PD is that some people cannot take that responsibility.

OP. It won't, you know it won't, and you know that it is in your children's and your best interests to part ways.

There are lots of threads already about how to go about this, and I am sure people on here will support you all the way.