Husband with BPD/EUPD. Will things ever get better?

[s1ckofitall]

My husband has been severely mentally ill for years. We have three children. He is a good dad in some ways and cares about us but is very Jekyll and Hyde and has started to escalate his behaviour in recent years. He has always been erratic, losing jobs and walking out of jobs and putting our family in danger financially. He has started getting nastier and nastier, throwing things around and spitting at me when we have a disagreement. He has a working diagnosis of BPD/EUPD. He smokes weed and refuses to cut down or stop.
I am getting more and more sick with fibromyalgia symptoms and anxiety related to his behaviour. I am getting to the point where I can't cope any longer with his behaviour and I am getting increasingly worried about our three children.
I guess I don't know why I'm posting , just want to see if anyone else has experiences or has any suggestions to help with this condition. I don't want to give up on him completely if only for the children. He does not engage with any therapy. He has been offered DBT but will not do this as he cannot stand group therapy work. Are there any other therapies/medication that could work?
I am getting to the point where I know I need to leave but I do not have the finances to do it. I can't move in with my parents due to lack of space in the house and our 3 kids. I don't even want to look at him, let alone touch him at the moment due to his appalling behaviour.

My ex husband had BPD and I never knew what version of him I was going to get each hour of every day. It was exhausting. I loved him as he is to the core a good man, but has his challenges so I can see why you are wanting to see if there is a solution. I am afraid that its a personal journey for everyone and what you are prepared to sacrifice to stay on in your marriage.

Its not easy to live with and honestly it destroys you in the end.

The abuse that comes with it is horrendous and not fair on the DC.

I left with police escort one morning. Prior to that morning I had lived over 7 years being terrorised by my ex, thinking the whole time I could fix it, mend it, behave differently, say other things to calm him down, and turned into a shell.

The amount of times I tried to defuse and steer him from threatening to kill himself when I would say I was leaving, it destroyed my self worth. His threats were just that, and he is well and truly intact. He was fine while I had to pick myself off the floor with years of therapy and I wish him the very best. He is still a good man, just a terrible partner material.

So no, there is no magic solution in fixing things, you are not responsible for your partner, he is. Regardless of any diagnosis, only he can and you have to decide what your can tolerate.

I have EUPD and please let me tell you that it's absolutely possible to live a normal life. The issue you have is not his diagnosis but his unwillingness to treat it. Honestly, the one thing that made me put in the work was my husband and having our son so I'm sorry that he's not willing to do the same. The BPD would not cause him to refuse treatment, that's simply him choosing not to engage and it sounds like you and your children deserve much better

It sounds like he is addicted/dependent on smoking weed. It is not nice being in a relationship with someone with a dependency on a substance. Try Smart Recovery Online Friends and Family for support for this issue.

The denial of his mental health issues and refusal to get help is also an insurmountable obstacle to you having a healthy or happy relationship.

It may sound brutal, but please do put yourself and the children first and walk away. You can't make him stop smoking weed and you can't make him do DBT/sort his mental health out. And you cannot live like this.

Anecdotally, I've had DBT and it made me no longer meet the clinical criteria for BPD. It's very effective, clinically proven treatment. But unless someone wants help/change- you cant make them take it.

Having worked with people with this diagnosis for many years I’d love to tell you it will improve, sadly though only a relatively small minority improve to an extent where it no longer affects them, medication genuinely isn’t the answer, DBT is excellent and is the main therapy where I’ve seen real improvement, but needs commitment

Can I ask if you tried any other kind of therapies before trying DBT?

It almost certainly won't get better, in my experience. And not giving up on him because of the children is worse than separating - what sort of example are you setting by staying with a partner who treats you like dirt? Do you want to be normalising that to them?

I'm sorry, but I don't know how you have put up with this kind of behaviour! The moment my OH spat at me wound be the day he gets the fuck out of the house, vile!!

His BPD is NO excuse for this kind of behaviour, your poor kids stuck in this too. I'd be telling him to leave, enough is enough as he is quite frankly, a shit husband.

Trust me, its not the weed that's the main issue here. Many people smoke weed and do not spit at their partners or walk out of their jobs!