WWYD Love him but seriously unhappy

[DJW62]

This is a major outpouring of all my feelings because my husband just does not care.

I love my husband with 2 DC’s but I am so unhappy with our marriage.

I was so in love with him and happily married until 2 years ago when I was 36 weeks pregnant, after years of trying for a second baby. I found out he had been texting another woman, offering to pick her up from nights out, flirting and giving compliments. This in itself was bad enough but add to it that I was 36weeks pregnant and recovering from a major nervous breakdown i was devastated, but did not do anything about it for the sake of my Ds and unborn baby.

fast forward to now and I am done. He is lazy, (I don’t think he has ever really woken up before me to deal with the kids, even when he knows there is school and I have work he just lies there) he does not support us financially, i pay for everything on a part time wage, bills, tax, groceries, clothing… everything. We barley see each other or talk because he is either in bed, on the sofa or in the bath on is phone!! He shouts and swears at the kids and has HORRID mood swings! One day he will treat us all wonderfully, the next he is giving us all the silent treatment, will stare at me like a piece of shit and if I ask whats wrong he will just tell me to shut up or stop moaning (I never moan). Anyway I have finally told him how I feel, how unhappy I am, how its not enough and I feel done. His response? Faking that he has suddenly become extremely unwell, that I may need to take him to A&E and he has taken to the bed!! Just so that I can put my feelings to the side again and sympathize with him and care for him in the hope I will forget the whole conversation!!

honestly, AIBU to leave? Is it a good enough reason to leave? I come from a community where the woman is probably always to blame and I would be shamed for tearing the family apart!

You don’t need a reason to end it, but he sounds like one.

The people who will judge you for walking away from ab abusive, waste of space, does their culture not expect him to support you and treat you with respect?

Leave. Who's name is on the house? Rent or mortgage?

When you say you love him, why? He sounds horrendous.

I was wondering the same. Doesn't sound like he loves you.

I think it's important to put your own happiness, and that of your children, ahead of any worries about what anyone else might think. It's not their life to live and ultimately their opinions are just that - they're not going to have any lasting impact on you.

They sort of expect you to be a good little wife and you are a poor excuse for a woman if not xx

Just leave… speak to a lawyer and get the hell out ASAP for your mental health and kids well being…

I have come to this realization as well… how could he possibly. I love him deeply, he is all I have ever known from a young age, his family are my family I suppose, he used to be my very best friend, now not so much 😩 I love him but I seriously don’t like him and don’t have that much respect for him anymore x

Why isn't he working?

You say you love him but what do you love about him?

You don't need any reason to end a marriage, it's up you!

If you are from a conservative culture then is he expected to be working and taking financial responsibility?

Not sure what you love about him 😱🤷🏻‍♀️

He does work for his father 7 days a week but gets very little in return… well we get very little in return. X

Well I say 7 days a week, he does not need to be there on a Sunday but he goes anyway just so he can avoid the children i think…

When he goes to work, can you have the locks changed? He sounds like a right drainer, he will use you (all your life if he stays) and then you will be nursing him in his old age. If you're from an Asian culture as I am, you shouldn't even be expected to have a job. So don't give a shit what people will think. Honestly people know a lot of husband s are shit.

I love my DH but he’s made me very unhyand I will be leaving; it hurts a lot but I decided that I have to love myself first and my DC deserves better than seeing this as an example of a relationship

made me very unhappy I mean

He is financially abusing you too. It's likely he keeps all the money he makes.
Are you sure he is not using Sundays as a meetup day for OW? Or any other days come to that. It's highly suss that works lots but has allegedly little to show for it. Can you verify that he is working with his father when he says he is? Is it possible to find out from him what he pays his son?
If you divorce, you might find out that your DH has amassed a sizeable amount of savings over the years, that you are entitled to at least half of.

Sounds as though he is at least terrified that you are starting to resist the status quo. Do NOT back down now.
You sound close to his family so how would they react if you confided that you feel miserable, unsupported and taken for granted?
Does he work officially? In a family shop or something? He should be getting minimum wage and have a contract.
The nicer you are the worse you get treated when you are dealing with selfish people. Please be a little selfish.

Your situation can be very difficult to escape from. You will have been indoctrinated into your role all your life but you have rights. Use all the support around you. It is a scary time.

Thank you. Yes I am close to them however they are very defensive of him and think he is wonderful- do not see how he does not support he in any real way. My father has tried confronting them before but all hell broke loose. I fear things would turn extremely nasty if I were to leave with regards to my children.

Is he depressed? Working 6 days a week for the family without adequate pay sounds hellish.
Cheating often happens when home life is very stressful, it's an escape from unhappy reality and a distraction.
How long are his hours?

Regarding leaving, this is standard marriage problems, arguing about finances and house chores. All relationships are tested by the arrival of children. You could fix this if you both can be committed and flexible.
If you don't want to try, that's up to you. There will always be people who judge you whatever you do. Do what you believe is best for you and the children.

I really do believe he is depressed, however his unwilling-less to do anything about it or change the situation in any way is upsetting. He has the option to walk away and find a well paid job, he has the option to discuss with his father re wages but he just will not. He will start at around 9:30 and be home at around 6, but he works at the family home and i have often popped down during the day where he is in the bath, in bed, sitting round the kitchen table for hours…thankyou for your insight x

Yes I understand re the cheating physical or not. At the time I was recovering from a severe breakdown following the death of my mother/ having a young boy/ being home alone etc. must have been hard for him i know. X

So he isn't actually working? He's saying he's going to work, then spending time at his parents home relaxing? No wonder they don't pay him much. He doesn't actually have a job.

He's using you. You do the paid work, the housework, the childcare, you bring in the money, you do everything.

In return, he's rude and unkind and cruel.

He isn't showing you any love or care, or an ounce of being grateful for all that you do.

Please leave him.

Please reread your last post OP.

You say you were in the middle of a breakdown, grieving the loss of your mother, struggling to raise your child single handedly (because your H is a useless father), plus pregnant again and your H had an emotional (& possibly physical) affair because it was "hard for him"?

Why didn't he step up and support his pregnant wife? Relieve you of some of your burden? Take on more childcare, cooking, cleaning, bring in more money?

He left you at your darkest hour and when you needed help he spent his time flirting with another woman.

Leave this man, he really is no good for you.

At the time I was recovering from a severe breakdown following the death of my mother/ having a young boy/ being home alone etc. must have been hard for him i know.

Hard for him? What about you? Where was his support of you in all of that? He doesn't sound like a decent human being, he sounds like an idle sod who thinks only of himself. You do deserve so much better.

Thank you all for your insight. I have told him as he left through the door this morning not to bother coming back. Of course its all my fault he is in a bad mood because i have decided to go on a weekend away at the end of the month and how bloody dare I, his most recent mood swing is literally because i made the decision to have a weekend with my family. I am done.