WWYD Love him but seriously unhappy

[DJW62]

This is a major outpouring of all my feelings because my husband just does not care.

I love my husband with 2 DC’s but I am so unhappy with our marriage.

I was so in love with him and happily married until 2 years ago when I was 36 weeks pregnant, after years of trying for a second baby. I found out he had been texting another woman, offering to pick her up from nights out, flirting and giving compliments. This in itself was bad enough but add to it that I was 36weeks pregnant and recovering from a major nervous breakdown i was devastated, but did not do anything about it for the sake of my Ds and unborn baby.

fast forward to now and I am done. He is lazy, (I don’t think he has ever really woken up before me to deal with the kids, even when he knows there is school and I have work he just lies there) he does not support us financially, i pay for everything on a part time wage, bills, tax, groceries, clothing… everything. We barley see each other or talk because he is either in bed, on the sofa or in the bath on is phone!! He shouts and swears at the kids and has HORRID mood swings! One day he will treat us all wonderfully, the next he is giving us all the silent treatment, will stare at me like a piece of shit and if I ask whats wrong he will just tell me to shut up or stop moaning (I never moan). Anyway I have finally told him how I feel, how unhappy I am, how its not enough and I feel done. His response? Faking that he has suddenly become extremely unwell, that I may need to take him to A&E and he has taken to the bed!! Just so that I can put my feelings to the side again and sympathize with him and care for him in the hope I will forget the whole conversation!!

honestly, AIBU to leave? Is it a good enough reason to leave? I come from a community where the woman is probably always to blame and I would be shamed for tearing the family apart!

He sounds like a lazy mean cheating user sadly, who feels he is completely entitled to your labour. Life will improve significantly without that dragging you down. Well done, stay done!

May I ask what you deem 'love to be. What is love?

Well I feel I would be completely lost if we did separate, my heart hurts at the thought of it but I’m starting to think its more of a familiarity thing…x

Just an update, he fid come home, I have been trying to tell him all day how I feel. His response is to completely ignore me, pretend Im not speaking and try to talk to me about something else. I just cant get through to him…

have you talked to him and said that you're worried about him being depressed? this isn't normal behaviour nor acceptable and you need to tell him that. you need support from him and so do his children. if he doesn't want to help himself then tell him to stay at his parents as he is no good to you or the children like this

If you are in a culture/community that ‘blames’ the woman, I have huge sympathy for you. It is really important to try and build a private support network that will help you. That might mean neighbours, school mums, friends, colleagues - just some trusted allies that have your back, no questions asked. If he is enmeshed in a family business, I would not be looking for his family to intervene on your behalf. Try to visualise what your life could look like in five years if you had the best possible outcome, and figure out who will be there for you along the way. I’m really sorry you endured those stresses and disloyalty during your pregnancy. But look to the future.

Your H is damaging your children. He is teaching them to be mean and disrespectful of women is acceptable in marriage. That’s not healthy regardless of culture. He has checked out of family life.
I hope you find the strength to change this unhealthy dynamic. It’s hard to understand how you can say your H was your best friend when he treats you so poorly.

Why on earth do you love him? He sounds like the most unlovable person in the world to me.

He is a horrible unfaithful husband, a lazy, horrible father. He is mean and freeloading and lazy.

OP, that you think you love him and would be devastated without him is a factor of your previous struggles and that you have such small children and - as you say yourself - familiarity. If you live without him you will be so so much happier. And you will realise that you don't love him at all. How could you?

What can you love about this man? He is abusive, emotionally and financially. Doesn’t help much with housework or DCs. Puts his needs above yours and DCs. He’s contacted other women. He is silent when you want to express your feelings to shut you down.

Yes you may feel lost if you separate but only initiallly because he’s all you know. I hope you can break free you deserve better.

Thank you all for your replies, a lot of which I knew already deep down. He has finally started to listen and talk. But with regards to the texting whilst I was pregnant he has completely brushed this off ‘it was just empty talk’ ‘what do you want me to do, i’m sorry but its happened I cant do anything about it now’. I feel so so hurt, I wish I dealt with it at the time byt I was too tired from being pregnant/broken down and felt numb to it. Now I am stronger the more I think bout it.,. God it hurts!