Pinched nerve, SO won't take day off

[JeannieBottle]

I pinched a nerve in my back in the middle of the night picking my baby up off the floor after a nappy change. I asked my partner in the morning if he could take the day off as I need some rest from all the bending and lifting I do with a baby and 2 year old. He refused and I told him rest is very important with a pinched nerve and it would probably be fine tomorrow if I was able to rest today. I asked my mum if she could come over but she said she had to work cos her boss left and the only other person that works in the shop is brand new and can't do the shift on her own, they'd have to close the store if mum took the day off.
Anyway as the day went on the pain became continuous and burning from all the lifting (in the morning it only hurt when I bent over etc. shooting pains). I told him he needs to take tomorrow off as I just want to heal up fast and don't want this to become a chronic issue. It would not be fair If I end up with chronic back pain because I was unable to rest.

Got up for 4am night feed and it was still burning took some drugs to help me go back to sleep.
I woke up this morning feeling a bit better but since I've been lifting my baby this morning I feel worse again. Really worried this is going to turn into a long lasting/chronic issue for me. I'm hurt emotionally too. I actually feel like leaving him now. There's been other things pushing me away but this is like the last straw. Since our daughter was born (2.5 years old) I have never asked him to have a day off. Wouldn't most SO's take the day off if their partner was unable to bend etc?

And I forgot to add he said "I can't provide the level of support you need" which yes makes me want to leave

I think 2 things are important -

• How easy is it for him to take a day off at the last minute without being ill himself?

• has he been sympathetic to your pain at all or is he being deliberately cruel?

Bit confused with you asking for him to "take a day off" do you mean for him to take a day off work? Or is he at home regardless?
Does he help generally with the parenting?

it depends on his job I think. If I was asked last minute to take time off its generally not a problem (wfh, not a time pressured role) but it would need to be pretty serious for my DH to take time off last minute. He is a teacher at an independent school. He has once come home early to look after the kids when I had mastitis and I couldn't believe how poorly I felt. I literally could not have cared for them. I hurt my back now and again, and understand how hard it is especially with kids! but I'd just be looking for work arounds in your case I think. Painkillers, heat or ice, easy day with lots of screen time, change baby on a bed/sofa/wherever is more comfortable for you. But also relevant is your relationship more widely, the context of him not wanting to take time off, does he not value your input at home, etc.

He works for a family oriented company and I'm sure they'd understand if he had to take the day off to look after his kids. The Doctor who wakes for the same organisation signed him off with extra leave after both our babies were born.

He's been saying unhelpful stuff like "take a Panadol, ice it". Not really being sympathetic. He doesn't realise how much it upsets me and it is a big deal it's not like I just have a cold. I don't want this to be an ongoing problem.

There is not much I can take for pain killers as I am breastfeeding. Panadol is doing nothing it's not even worth taking. I also don't think it's wise to treat the pain then carry on doing the same activities that cause the pain and compression. No wonder so many people end up with chronic back pain. I already have scoliosis don't want to make things worse for myself.

I'm confused - you are complaining that he won't take the day off but in the same breath saying you'll leave him because this shows he obviously doesnt care. If you are a single parent you'll just have to get on with parenting despite having back pain.

Phone your GP or 111 for advice regarding pain relief - listen to their advice and act upon it.

Shared custody with the kids and I'd have my mum to help. She normally only works 2 days a week and they're just getting things sorted since her boss left. Be better than being hurt continuously.

Probably be better off getting a job and putting the kids in daycare so I can actually have a sick day if needed.

I have to say OP I think you are being a tad dramatic.

This is the problem. You're asking him to parent his children, to be part of the family, and he refuses.

Bizarre overreaction to threaten to leave. I'd not expect him to take a day off for your pinched nerve.

Unhelpful for you're post but my physio always recommends staying mobile with pinched nerve.

Walking is fine, I went for a walk through the park last night. It's the bending and lifting that aggravate it.

Given that this is making you want to leave him I'm assuming this is, if you'll pardon the turn of phrase, the straw that's broken your back? Do you feel very alone and uncared for in general in this relationship? Or like you're not a priority to him?

I get you. Women are expected to just put up and shut up, at all times, even by other women (mostly women who also have unsupportive partners so have no idea how wonderful it is to have a supportive one).

But does he mean re childcare or you wanting you looked after?

I had debilitating nerve pain was hospitalised for it. Ex cared for the kids when I was in hospital then was "working from home" to help but not helping. I just had to get on with it. Ex actually distancing himself from me because he wanted me doing all the housework childcare and bedroom duties that was my job in his mind. When I was fit and healthy and doing everything our relationship was great but the second I got sick I saw the truth. I'd seen the man take sick leave when he had the most pathetic cold but me falling over and falling down the stairs due to nerve issues he suddenly couldn't possibly take time off.

It's absolutely the feeling they don't care or value you that hurts the most. As a single parent you will have to just get in with it but in a couple it should be a team.

I didn't ask him to look after me I asked him to help look after the kids.

Well in that case he's an arse. It's not 'helping you' to care for his own children!

@ZenNudist With an attitude like that you must have/will have chronic back pain. I actually care about my health.

I wouldn't have expected my dh to take a day off. Actually this did happen and I had to suffer and get on with it. His job wasn't very flexible though (doctor)

If it isn't the end of the world for him to take a day off, then I can't see why he won't.

Yeah it was just any other day. If he had done that he would've taken the day off. He's always going on about RICE to me for injuries too (which you need to do in the first 48 hours!). Now my back still hurts

For a pinched nerve try hanging from a door frame and relaxing your weight. It helps to free the nerve. The NHS advice is to keep moving. Lying down makes it worse

I personally have never asked dh to take a day off, there has been days were I’ve felt shit and really struggled eg back pain, strong medication however we’ve had a duvet/pj day.q

i struggle with back pain and my brother took me to the doctors with 2 children in the car as dh was working, I’d never suggest he took the day off.

when our children were younger dh had to work or the bills wouldn’t get paid. So we had no choice.

on the other hand dh’s work colleague is off constantly because his wife is unwell eg tooth ache, period pain, headache, upset stomach! It’s a weekly thing at times.

Whats your situation? Can you leave? Does your mum actually want to help?