Confused about my relationship

[Secondstart1001]

It’s a really hard one to put out there but I divorced my ex after a long term separation then met a fab guy over 3.5years ago and been together ever since. We haven’t permanently moved in together but we spend at least 5 nights a week together either at my house or his depending on kids ( we both have them and don’t want more).
i though we were both matched in sex drive as mine is quite high but as time has gone by his has dropped off. Think we average 3 times a week and if I want more sometimes he says he doesn’t want to or feels sore. It makes me feel really rejected and questions if he’s attracted to me. He does show me alot of love in other ways like cuddles, hand holding is very tactile and has even planned valentines from now. Am I being an ungrateful cow? I know everyone’s love language is different and he is constantly doing things in the house for me and making sure there is air in my tyres ecg which is sweet and caring. I just fancy pants off him but he rarely tells me I look nice / pretty when I make effort. I feel he loves me as he makes me feel safe, secure and looked after. I have told him I miss the days he’d come over and we’d be at it within 5 mins. He did take that on board and suprised me on New Year’s Day when I went up for a nap but I just don’t know if he fancies me and it’s important to me to feel desired in that way not because I’m narcissistic but because that’s how it should be with your romantic partner. I am 46 and he is 42. Sorry if I’m rambling but don’t want to discuss with friends as I love and respect him too much.

Also he does tell me often he loves me and when he doesn’t want to have sex he still wants to be cuddled. But I just wondered can you romantically love someone without being attracted to them .. I am not sure if I am making an issue when there isn’t one

It doesn't sound like much of an issue to me, unless his drop in sex drive has been sudden. He sounds lovely tbh.

That’s how it should be with your romantic partner

What! Why? There are really no rules about this and if you tried to force him he would really resent it. He is the way he is, and you are the way you are. Neither of you ‘should’ behave differently you are simply not that well matched in your feelings about sex and romance. You have to decide whether you can live with that.

I think the issue is me to be honest .. the sex hasn’t dropped off dramatically sometimes he will be ready for a second round ( which I love). I just think it would be nice for him to tell me I look nice / sexy ect . I always tell him he looks handsome. He’s a lovely guy and maybe it’s just my hormones. I’d just like to be complimented but I won’t bring it up as then if he did say I looked nice would only think it was because I suggested it 🥲

He sounds lovely. I'd also say sex 3 times a week in a long term relationship at your ages with dc around is actually quite a decent amount.

Any relationship I've been in has had an initial "can't get your hands off each other" phase but it's not sustainable long term (just woth other things in life).

However, if your sexual needs are not being met you don't need to stay.

It's hard to tell from your post;

1. are you actually sexually unsatisfied (in which case you need to decide if it's a deal breaker; OR
2. Are you sexually satisfied but more worried that it's a sign he doesn't fancy you/love you (in which case I think you need to do some work on your own self esteem and learn that love and fancying someone doesn't always equate to sex).

I say that kindly as I previously had an abusive marriage and after that I strongly equated sex with love and I also misinterpreted it as a sign of how attractive I was to soemone. It took a lot of time (and therapy) to realise that respectful relationships (and your own worth/attractiveness) aren't measured on sex alone

I am not sure if I am making an issue when there isn’t one

How does it get decided, ultimately, whether there is an issue or not? Who makes that decision? Why do they have the power to do so? Could anybody tell them that they were wrong, and if so, on what basis?

What I meant was you should feel like your romantic partner is attracted to you.., would never force myself on him .. I’ve stopped instigating the sex and when I do and he doesn’t want to I respect it. I don’t want to feel like a sex pest 😅I am just hoping it evens out again. Thanks for your reply

Myself and a close friend are both experiencing this with our menfolk. Both met within the last year, started off being very into it and as time has gone on, the men’s sex drive can’t keep up! There’s a reason cougars are a thing, I think men our age just aren’t as up for it as they once were. For those of us who left marriages to meet someone new this change can feel quite rejecting, but it’s just a natural part of getting comfortable with someone.

He could certainly do with telling you you’re beautiful etc but maybe he worries that if he does you’ll assume it will lead to sex. I know my BF is wary about cuddling too much when he’s exhausted etc as he’ll automatically get a boner but maybe still isn’t really feeling energetic enough to use it!

Maybe you need to reassure him that he can be affectionate without it always leading to sex.

maybe it’s just my hormones

and

Am I being an ungrateful cow

Are you always this demeaning towards yourself?

because that’s how it should be with your romantic partner

According to...? Where are your 'shoulds' coming from? Lots of people are happy in relationships with little sex, few compliments on appearance, basically none of the things you consider 'should' be happening. Are they all doing it wrong? And who's going to tell them?!

Thank you! I am sexually satisfied with him for sure, the sex is great and we have child free weekends when kids are at their co parents house. But yes when he doesn’t want sex it makes me feel unattractive coupled with the fact he doesn’t pay me many compliments. Just the off oh you look good in that dress kinda compliments once in a while … my self esteem was high going into the relationship but this has knocked me back a bit ., yes maybe I need more time to work on myself

I think this is your issue - the sex is a red herring so put that to the side.

Your partner should make you feel pretty/beautiful/sexy etc without necessarily physically having sex with you.

You've listed a lot of ways (other than sex) that he makes you feel loved and cared for. If he doesn't make you feel pretty/beautiful in other ways maybe that's something the 2 of you could discuss?

Although would caveat that with the fact that it's not our partners role to make us feel good about ourselves. Do you feel attractive/beautiful/pretty/sexy (whatever it is you feel is missing from your partner) about yourself?

It’s just how I feel .. I know alot of people have a lot less sex and are less spoiled than I am with him. It’s just how I like to be loved and I’m feeling down right now and did think when reading my own post I may come across as a bit of a cow.

I do feel attractive and pretty I just would like my partners affirmation. He makes me feel good in other ways as he always compliments my boundless energy as a super woman or tells me I’m a smart business woman,

He’s very affectionate and the normal way we watch tv when kids have gone to bed is that we are intertwined. And it doesn’t lead to sex and I don’t expect it to

I'd say sex three times a week when you don't live together is a pretty good indicator he is attracted to you!

You mentioned your love language, maybe have a think about his.

I'd honestly have a chat with him. I know you think that if you tell him then he says it, you will feel like he doesn't mean it.

It sounds like he goes out of his way to show you how much he loves you. Also, he DOES give you compliments - just not compliments focussed on your looks.

It's such a personal thing, as I (and I'm sure some other women) would prefer compliments about how good a job we're doing, how much our DPs love our personalities etc.
If my DP constantly talked about my looks and never acknowledged any of my other attributes, I'd feel he was shallow and only with me for one thing.

I think looks attract you to a partner but when you're truly in love it's all the other things that matter. From my perspective I'd prefer what your DP does to a whole load of compliments on my physical appearance. You don't and that's OK, but you need to communicate with him

If he doesn't love you the way you like to be loved, then you won't be happy, and that doesn't make you a cow.

It's up to you to find the right people for you. It's not up to the people you find to fit themselves to your requirements.

What I meant was you should feel like your romantic partner is attracted to you

Stop imposing 'shoulds'! This isn't about what 'should' happen. This is about what you want.

You've found someone lovely who doesn't do things the way you want. Step 1: communicate your feelings. If you're not willing to do this, you're not ready for a relationship.

Thank you for your message and I do take it all on board. I fancy pants off him but our relationship started in lockdown and we only saw each other once a fortnight in the park so we have alot of laughs and got to know each other really well and fell in love. Listening to comments on here makes me feel I am being u reasonable and I should just enjoy the relationship ( which I do and really treasure )

It sounds like a lot of your self-worth is linked to sex. Your relationship sounds lovely, this is probably worth working through with a counsellor.

Thank you yes I do treasure him and try and make him feel looked after, appreciated and loved. I prob need to sort myself out before going to couples therapy x

Thanks your kind post made me smile x

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling its normal to want to feel desired / craved do you get nice lingere / role play / toys build up teases ect ?

( no before anyone comes for me I am absolutely not saying any of the above is needed but it does produce strong reactions )

From what you say he definitely fancies and loves you completely =)
But you are going to spoil it if you push on the compliments because then you'll wonder if its out of duty or obligation and it will never be enough.

@Beastiesandthebeauty thank you and yes I do buy and wear sexy lingerie and am up for everything in the bedroom. Agree I am not going to say anything about the compliments as it will ruin things for both of us. Love yoir comment about people coming for you lol but yes agree on that front about lingerie ect

I think they're more for you to help you feel sexy and the man always gets more excited 😆 but sometimes people think that suggesting things like that means it's mandatory drives me mad 🤣

I do hope you find a way to feel what you're looking for but can tell you from the outside it sounds like you have something good going on =)

@Beastiesandthebeauty thanks you have been so kind and it really is too good to focus on compliments when he’s going out of his way to plan holidays and life together with our kids I just need to find a way to be content.