Confused about my relationship

[Secondstart1001]

It’s a really hard one to put out there but I divorced my ex after a long term separation then met a fab guy over 3.5years ago and been together ever since. We haven’t permanently moved in together but we spend at least 5 nights a week together either at my house or his depending on kids ( we both have them and don’t want more).
i though we were both matched in sex drive as mine is quite high but as time has gone by his has dropped off. Think we average 3 times a week and if I want more sometimes he says he doesn’t want to or feels sore. It makes me feel really rejected and questions if he’s attracted to me. He does show me alot of love in other ways like cuddles, hand holding is very tactile and has even planned valentines from now. Am I being an ungrateful cow? I know everyone’s love language is different and he is constantly doing things in the house for me and making sure there is air in my tyres ecg which is sweet and caring. I just fancy pants off him but he rarely tells me I look nice / pretty when I make effort. I feel he loves me as he makes me feel safe, secure and looked after. I have told him I miss the days he’d come over and we’d be at it within 5 mins. He did take that on board and suprised me on New Year’s Day when I went up for a nap but I just don’t know if he fancies me and it’s important to me to feel desired in that way not because I’m narcissistic but because that’s how it should be with your romantic partner. I am 46 and he is 42. Sorry if I’m rambling but don’t want to discuss with friends as I love and respect him too much.

@Watchkeys not saying everyone is doing it wrong, we all have different needs.

I used to be horribly mixed up around sex and feeling loveable. It was my own insecurities very definitely.
Nowadays, I have an amazing DP, he shows me in so many ways he loves me - and definitely makes it clear he personally thinks I’m beautiful, I’m not but to him I am which is all that matters.

He is 68, we have sex most days but neither of us like the thought of little blue pills so occasionally do find that his mind is willing but his body doesn’t want to react…I fully understood but even so found at times it used to make me feel horribly worried that he was going off me (generally whenever I was at my most hormonal TOTM-wise) but I admitted to him my worries even though they felt stupid and he was so reassuring and understanding.

I suggest you keep appreciating the practical ways he shows you his love, they are his ways and worth their weight in gold, but have a loving, open conversation about your worries…once shared they’ll almost certainly lessen.

@MrsShortbread thank you and I do feel really loved by him. He’s done very sweet things like spoil me on Mother’s Day even though we don’t share kids in appreciation of how I look after his kids and mine, my ex never did anything like that! I think I need to accept he isn’t as sexual as me but is as affectionate. I think I would feel so vulnerable talking to him about how I feel… I don’t really know how to broach the subject without sounding needy. Lucky you having sex most days! That is my dream 😅 good on you both ❤️

@Watchkeys if I was to talk to him about this how would I do it? I’ve read alot of comment on here and the general consensus is that he does so much for me that not having compliments once in a while about how I look is not important as he sleeps with me on regular basis and shows a lot of affection. It might be I am just wanting more of the physical because it’s been so good?

Sex driver varies in a relationship due to it's normal course and other external factors in quite a lot of people.
The fact he just fancy 3 times now may have nothing to you or to his feelings.
In the contrary you trying to push may be achieve the contrary of what you want and push him further off it. There is nothing sexy on someone asking for sex when you don't want it.
You need to talk.

Tbh, you sound like hard work. I wonder what your previous relationship was like. You feel loved and he does a lot for you, and yet 3 x a week is not enough? It usually goes that people are at it like rabbits at the start of a relationship, but then it settles to a less frequent but regular pattern. This is the way, but somehow you've missed that that is normal.
As far as verbal affirmation goes, some people just don't give open compliments as often as others, it seems he does, just not enough for your fragile ego.
You might think that your self-esteem was good before, but clearly it depends on other people, when the point is it is something that is felt from within - hence the self bit. You've let yourself flip into a state where now how you feel about yourself is built upon what he does.
Maybe this is a pattern you have, where you look to a man to build you up once in a relationship and your self affirmation goes into hibernation. This can be quite draining for a man, but it looks like he's hanging in there, he's doing well.
You've basically stated that a man should make you feel good about yourself in a relationship, but they are a part of it, the rest needs to come from you.

I think he sounds great tbh. He's 42, not 22 and lots of people his age just aren't as interested or energetic as they used to be.

I've been with my husband for 31 years and are in our 40's. We have children and jobs and lives. Sometimes we are too bloody tired to have sex, compliment each other etc even though we still do fancy each other.

But I know he loves me because of the way he treats me and looks after me. That's worth way more than an extra couple of nights of sex.

I really don't think you need couples therapy but you may need to go yourself.

@Opentooffers my last relationship was my husband. We were together for 17 years and he was abusive and cheated on me as a bit of background. I had to really build myself up to hold down my job while doing everything on my own with 2 young kids commuting to central london daily. I got promoted twice to enable me to become financially independent in order to leave with a shit settlement and buy my own house and start again.

@Epidote i won’t be pushing the issue in fact I’m just leaving him to instigate sex. Just like it’s unsexy to want sex and your partner doesn’t it doesn’t feel nice for me either so I am protecting my own feelings.

@Lunchmonster its great you still fancy each other after that long together! That’s exactly what I want! We don’t have our kids all the time so we have more time alone and to recharge. He is very lovely and after reading most of the comments on here I would be a fool to fuck it up and maybe it is just me and my past experience with ex husband that is making me feel insecure when I really have no reason to.

@Opentooffers its not really a kind comment to say he’s hanging in there. I haven’t thrown a tantrum on him or demanded anything. I just wanted to get others opinions on whether what I want is reasonable and the general consensus is that I am insecure and have issues. I don’t mind hearing that, that’s fine but he is happy in the relationship .. just like he does a lot for me I make sure I look after him too as well as his children and do tell his how much I appreciate all he does for me.

I can relate to this very strongly. I’m wondering in my own life/relationship to address this almost as if it’s a kink (of mine). Because essentially I think it’s an issue of — for whatever reason— wanting to be a) in a loving relationship but also b) wanting to be a bit objectified sometimes.

It’s the kind of issue you can either work through in therapy and understand why you want to feel objectified and even a little bit used or ‘had’ OR accept as a kind of kink and maybe integrate as a kind of darker side of your sexuality. These are along the lines I’m thinking. That it’s lovely to be have a cuddly respectable time as the main thing but what really gets me going sometimes is to be looked at with a proper unstoppable male gaze.. and so on. It’s the kind of thing that could be fixed with a few rude sexts from your DP and I think if more people admitted stuff like this there’d be less affairs.

@daysoff thanks for your honest and insightful comments and advice. I have told him I would like him to ramp it up like how it was in early days and on New Year’s Day while I went to take a nap he instigated some quick and naughty fun 😅 I just want to feel seen by him and I’m not sure why it’s been so unpopular on here .., like when I where a new dress and make a big effort I think itepukd be nice for him to tell me so. I don’t need compliments all then time and you are right affairs start when a partner isnt happy. I know I can work on this but it’s not going to be my main focus as it’s not a major issue but just me 😔

As an update things have been going ok this week. I have been spending a lot of time in my own head though. My partner has had a lot of pressure this week and he’s been running around getting my car fixed. Making him a nice meal tonight and trying to appreciate what we have.

@Secondstart1001 i got divorced a few years ago and met new partner also about 3 years ago. He’s only just moved in as after the issues I went through I was quite protective of my space!

no advice really other than to say I’ve gone through similar in that my sex drive is higher and over the years there’s definitely been a reducing in sex or initiation on his part.

communication is key! I bring it up when it bothers me and I’ve learnt to bring it up before the point of tearing my hair out as my delivery at that point is not great 😂

As a PP has said with me ex and history it took a lot of work as I used to think sex = love and my ex husband had an affair so any reduction in sex in new relationship gets red flags flying!

but trust and communication helps massively.

@ToeBeans24 thank you for sharing that.. I usually get grumpy if I haven’t had sex and last night was good as he initiated it as we hadn’t been together alone for 4 nights. He has said before that my sex drive is higher than his and it’s something I will have to live with as I do really love him and though sex is important in our relationship the other stuff is too. he will move in after my oldest goes to uni as she really has the ick about me being in a relationship so he doesn’t stay over when she’s here. Yes my ex had an affair too but have to add up other stuff like when my ex was having an affair he got nasty and abusive and didn’t care about me at all. No behaviour like this at all so it helps be feel more secure.

@Secondstart1001 it’s hard after being in a previous abusive relationship. I really do relate.

im with you on it’s important to look at all the other things as side from the sex.

i did point out to my DP recently though that I don’t want to just feel like roommates !

i think it’s hard because the honeymoon period doesn’t last forever and I miss that feeling of lust and like he couldn’t keep his hands off me!

we are like that but definitely less so than before. But I try to remind myself of all the other things we have built and shared and how secure I feel with him.

im glad you opened up to him as it seems to have helped. Keep up the communication ☺️

@ToeBeans24 I said to my dp that I don’t want our relationship to be just a domestic partnership. We did go away child free to Spain in October and plan to again this year seperate to our family holiday.
I do miss that feel of lust 24/7 - we still have it but not all the time but I think as long as the passion is there when you are having sex it’s just as good ( just have to appreciate it more). There are still lots of cuddles and hugs and we tell each other regularly that we love each other usually before bed or when ever it feels right. Like you we have built and shared so much and have supported each other though tough times and also made a lot of memories as a couple and with our children x

It’s just as some of you have suggested , as was having a lighthearted convo with partner .. he said that we either have sex in morning or evening as he is old now and doesn’t have the stamina to do both … it’s because we did have sex the previous night and yesterday morning too. So I will just have to accept this really and enjoy the sex when we have it which is always great and lasts a long time. I get lots of cuddles snd kisses when we are together sand think I may have taken that for granted. It’s been good to get others opinions, even the ones that were a bit harsh lol though 42 is a lot younger than me at 46 😅

Do you think it's up to you, or up to other people, to decide what's important to you?

Other people can only tell you what would be important to them if they were in your situation. People who respect you (and that would include you, if you have self respect) will accept you as you are, and respect your preferences.

Just a little update as all your comments gave me a lot of food for thought. I’ve looked at myself and I think there is unhappiness with myself really… I was looking at pics of me in lockdown and I had a bloody hot body! I haven’t been working out or doing anything like that. Also other issues with myself like fear of growing old / looking old.
HOWEVER : with my DP I listened to a podcast about mismatched sex drives and I did become more accepting that yes he was attracted to me and it doesn’t have to mean unlimited sex lol. So I invited him to sex but didn’t expect it..: the sex has been amazing the last 6 weeks and we had amazing sex last night then again first thing this morning ( last night initiated by me, this morning by him). Also I switched up the lingerie as a last in here advised and it actually drove him crazy ( in a good way). We continue to be committed to each other and have got even more close emotionally.we’ve also both been unwell this last 2 weeks and have been looking after each other. Thank you if you’ve read this far into the update and thanks to all the contributors on this post who woke me up!

The key is in open and frank honest discussion. If you broach the subject of how you could spice up your sex life and what you both want to try without fear of the unknown who knows you could both reach a healthy addition to your prolonged fun

@ThisRubyLeader things have been up and down. I am going to soeak to him later today as I’m feeling quite low.