Am I being overdramatic, or is he lazy?

[2024NewyearNewme]

This morning husband asks me to do DD1(age4) hair for school. I'm co sleeping with DD2(age1)just nursed her back to sleep. It's 8.20, latest time for us to leave to get to school. I creep away from DD2 find DD1 sitting on kitchen counter in her pjs brushing her teeth, full bowl of cereal on table.

I feel tricked straight away, I've heard them up a while, had a feeling they were running late, didn't think they'd only just got out of bed.

I dress her, ask him to wash a stain out of her jumper as he picked up yesterday's uniform, not a fresh ironed set hung out in her bedroom. I do her hair instead of breakfast as she is fussing over eating her cereal. I ask him his plan for her eating, he said she'll eat in car (I wondered how a bowl of cereal gets eaten in the car) suggested making toast and boiling egg. Coat on, shoes on, just breakfast left. For some reason I can't hold the bowl of cereal up, my arm is dropping in pain when I tried to spoon feed her. Now I'm frustrated.

So take her back to the kitchen set the bowl down, ask her to eat herself. No winning. Husband faffing about. I go collect the toast and egg plate left balancing on the sofa arm that he made. She's still not eating. It's nearly 8.45am. My dad is having his tea too he says something.

Husband declares he is taking her to school, I respond 'what hungry?' Im panicking now looking for orange juice/ milk/ something to get her some nutrition. Opening and closing fridge, cupboards, just confused.

I get mad and ask husband what he did yesterday, he said she didn't eat breakfast then either! I'm distrort.

My anxiety to her eating is linked to her being underweight, having nutritional drinks to supplement food. This is third day of school. I did first day, breakfast was eaten. I had her up at 7,730ish so we were relaxed and had time to eat. There was zero fuss.

I spend all the time after school pumping her up with meals successful. She's pooped 💩, drank, bedtime was delayed as husband faffed for 1 hour.

He claimed she woke at 4am for bathroom, so they were late.

Im fuming at him. I feel like I can do this better without him. He hinders with his help. We've spoken about this at length recently, put plans of actions in, but not followed through.

Is this reason enough to want to leave?

She's got 2 bad tooth, that I feel only happened cos he stopped brushing her teeth(claiming she can do it without him checking- prior I would let her do them, but noticed a spot she couldn't reach so I'd complete that off).
I had potty trained her fully for day time, night time needed to take her toilet when she fidgeted, he couldn't notice the fidgeting, had to clean up wet bed too often so put her back in Nappies.
The changes happened because DD2 had arrived(2yrs ago), I'd co sleep with both, baby in moses basket/ cot mainly, bed for feeds. PND hit about 3/4 months in and husband offered to help put DD1 to bed which in turn became him co sleeping with her and me with baby.

PND went nuclear, he promised to move closer to my parents, we are currently in the house move process, I eventually moved in with my parents for support, as had zero support from his family who we lived local to and he worked long hours.

I feel he takes advantage of the help and support my aging parents provide. He just doesn't seem to be kind or considerate anymore. He loves his new colleagues in his new job with his new 6 figure salary. My worst time with PND he was absorbed completely in his job, which he got when I was 7 months pregnant.
Now I'm on the mend, I see him using my illness to explain his late starts for school, work, time off work, currently his claimed family life is to tough and handed in resignation.
But reality is, his got an easier 6 figure job lined up, any time off he had only made my life harder with him insisting on daily days out with the kids I was nursing, changing poop explosions, potty training, managing eating issues in museums, farms, the car, service stations, airports, in the rain, snow heat waves. Just pushing and pushing me.
We got shouty, violent, aggressive. Ive asked him to leave which lasted under a week given im at my parents the pressure got to them and asked me to take him back. This was about 6 weeks ago.
And here I am again wishing for the same.

(DD1 DD2 both born in Jan so will turn 5 and 2 in days)

@2024NewyearNewme why are you living at your parents????? do you not have a house of your own?? why are you trying to get a 2 year old back to sleep at the back of 8 in the morning? they should both be up and having breakfast/ you do not need to take turns with your hubby to get up with older child for school!

Wow. She explained how her dd is underweight and she has been working hard to feed her- do you not realise there are many parents in this boat? And their children are healthier with extra weight? You’ve just dismissed that and decided her child is a perfectly healthy weight?? She’s also explained how she had her dd out of nappies but she’s regressed with her dad’s pathetic lack of care. Did you read that? Did you read anything?

Also cosleeping and breastfeeding at 2 is FINE. There is no science saying other than it’s a healthy attachment. It’s being fed back to sleep at past 8 o clock that needs changing, a 2 yo should be up and running by then.

What a vile thing to say. Here she is struggling with two kids and PND while her husband is going about like a fart in a trance.
This child's teeth are rotting because he isn't supervising cleaning and the child is very underweight and he is not bothering to get her breakfast. He can't even see there is a clean uniform hanging there. It sounds like absolute chaos. Not to mention the messing about with jobs.
She needs proper care not some manchild messing about.
Don't make any decisions yet OP. This is a bad time to be making life changing decisions. Give it a year and see how you feel.

Don’t feel ashamed op, sometimes you can’t see the forest for the trees. And getting help might make a huge difference, my eldest wouldn’t eat proper food until I took him to childcare at 11 months then he just started gobbling it up with the others, like magic.

Your household just needs to be up and running earlier on a weekday now your oldest is in school. Sure, you should be able to lie in if you’ve had a terrible night but in general, still being in bed with the little one in the morning is not conducive to the eldest understanding they need to be up and going and probably encourages DH to oversleep and end up behind with things. It always takes much longer than planned to get a child out the door when you factor in teeth, hair, tights, find the shoes, hat and gloves on etc. I also find they need to be awake for a bit before they find an appetite. I think you need a whole family routine, probably starting around 7. Once that becomes the new pattern I reckon you can work the odd lie in back in.

It sounds to me like you are having a breakdown or are in the midst of one. No one seems to care about your PND, least of all you. I think you have gone home to your parents in order to be "mothered" yourself, even if subconsciously. I never missed my mother more than when I had a baby.

I think what you need is a nanny. You can afford it. Whatever people say on this thread and whatever judgement you receive, I think you are simply unable to do this domestic or mothering work. I think you need to sleep and have responsibilities taken from you. I think it is quite likely this will happen anyway if things escalate -- but it won't be in a good way!

You clearly have a problem about giving up control. This is a sign of your mental distress I think. But you cannot control everything and and everyone. I think you are very mentally distressed and someone else, a professional, should step in and take the load until you are better. You may be a person who will always need support to be a mother. If you are lucky enough to afford proper help, you should take it. It can be a lifesaver. And, in the end, you will be a better mother if you are operating within your limits.

I think you're right.

I'm working myself up with birthdays approaching, worried about having inlaws around, last year I did 2x big parties at home with all family and friends present, after that I had a breakdown.

I felt so angry that inlaws came on DD2 first birthday, (created a super awkward and tense atmosphere) her special day for me as well, but they were always so busy the whole year prior they refused to help me everytime I asked. (All 10 of them)- appointments, babysitting, emergencies. After that dh agreed we should move closer to my family, who travelled 45 mins to helping out.

House will be ready soon. Hopefully things will get easier and I'll organise professional help again.

Side tracked again. Here I'm in a situation where I can take time for myself, I need to do it. Thank you. (Maybe easier then training up for work again!). I planned yoga. I'll book it in now! I know it won't fix everything- but a calmer me is always a better me.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to me.

For some reason I can't hold the bowl of cereal up, my arm is dropping in pain when I tried to spoon feed her. Now I'm frustrated

So what happened with your arm?

This doesn't solve the toxicity of your relationship though.

Perhaps some counselling/therapy both separately and together?

No idea. So odd.

That's a good idea

@2024NewyearNewme
There have been some nasty comments. I hope you don't take them too personally. Some people here tend to forget we're only human.

I have a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old myself and I really understand that it's not easy to be the best version of yourself those first few years. The mental toll of motherhood combined with sleep deprivation and allergies, and handling all that with a partner who is not a bad person but just leaves you to deal with the mental load of just about everything that needs to be done. It's hard!

If the rest of the world isn't kind and understanding, maybe you can be kind and understanding to yourself.
Yes, you could be nicer to him. He could also take some responsibility and not leave you to worry about DD1's teeth decaying and her healty eating habits all on your own. I wonder how people would have responded if you were the husband talking about your wife sending your DD off to school without breakfast. They'd be shouting 'off with her head'!
Whatever your routine is or has been with your youngest, you must have had your reasons to be in bed at 8.20. My youngest only started sleeping though the night at age 2 (just a few months ago), and I can tell you, I took every minute of sleep I could get!

I see 3 big issues to tackle here.
One: you need to have a bit more structure in your day-to-day routine. This is something you can tackle on your own, OR you could put your husbands 6-figure income to good use and hire someone to help out in the mornings. There's not much sense to him working that hard if it doesn't contribute to the wellbeing of the family.

Two: you should be investing in recharging your own batteries. They seem drained, and that's why you're having trouble letting to and you're so anxious all the time. Get some therapy, find a hobby, search for things that make you a better, more relaxed mom when you come back home.

Three: You need to work out the issues in your marriage, and the resentment that's been building. Couples counseling is a good start.

Good luck

How you have time to write an op like that I don't know

I think some parts of this are unfair.

If the OP's husband wrote this, I think a LOT more people would be asking why he was in bed at 8:20 and not up helping.

I also don't see why he's getting the blame for the tooth decay. It would seem that neither of them were all the ball there, not just him.

Who is violent to whom?

Absolutely no to joint counselling when there’s violence. Separately is a good idea but you should split up for now for the sake of everyone involved.

I think you have to weigh up whether the good parts of your relationship outweigh the bad parts.

I always got my eldest two ready for school but when I went into Labour early with my youngest, my husband had to sort out school uniform for the first day back at school after a half term off. All the clothes were washed but I hadn't put them away yet. I can't remember now if the trousers were named, I suspect so, but I remember my husband sent my eldest to school in trousers that were for my youngest and therefore much too small. I always liked them to wear the grey socks I'd bought especially for school but he sent them in coloured (I know now that really doesn't matter but at the time it really bothered me when I found out!). Why could he not find trousers from a pile of clean trousers that were the right size?

Another time I was going out early so he was responsible for dressing the little one who was a toddler. I told him there were plenty of tops and trousers in her wardrobe. But when I came home she had on a dress and trousers. And it just looked odd and he'd taken her out in public. He just couldn't see that a dress was not the same as a top.

Consequently it's always me who dresses her, always me who makes sure the eldest have clean school uniform, always me that packs gloves, hats, water bottles. Always me that knows the kids' timetables and where they need to be when. Always me who shops for their birthday and Christmas presents and makes sure new uniform and stationery is sorted for back to school.

He just doesn't care enough about these things to remember. But on the flip side he always sorts out the bins. I usually leave the dishwasher for him to load and unload. He cleans out the rabbit hutch. If the kids need lifts he's the one to take them (with instructions from me as to when and where). Lots more things that are generally his 'roles.' And he's generally a lovely bloke who I love very much. So for me there's no question of me leaving because he's a bit rubbish with the day to day running of the kids' lives. I am aware I have to step up for that and I am willing to do that because of how good he is in other ways.

If you get a lot out of your relationship with your husband then you will have to do the morning school getting ready jobs yourself. But if he's not a good partner in other ways then think about what you want your future, with or without him, to be like.