Am I being overdramatic, or is he lazy?

[2024NewyearNewme]

This morning husband asks me to do DD1(age4) hair for school. I'm co sleeping with DD2(age1)just nursed her back to sleep. It's 8.20, latest time for us to leave to get to school. I creep away from DD2 find DD1 sitting on kitchen counter in her pjs brushing her teeth, full bowl of cereal on table.

I feel tricked straight away, I've heard them up a while, had a feeling they were running late, didn't think they'd only just got out of bed.

I dress her, ask him to wash a stain out of her jumper as he picked up yesterday's uniform, not a fresh ironed set hung out in her bedroom. I do her hair instead of breakfast as she is fussing over eating her cereal. I ask him his plan for her eating, he said she'll eat in car (I wondered how a bowl of cereal gets eaten in the car) suggested making toast and boiling egg. Coat on, shoes on, just breakfast left. For some reason I can't hold the bowl of cereal up, my arm is dropping in pain when I tried to spoon feed her. Now I'm frustrated.

So take her back to the kitchen set the bowl down, ask her to eat herself. No winning. Husband faffing about. I go collect the toast and egg plate left balancing on the sofa arm that he made. She's still not eating. It's nearly 8.45am. My dad is having his tea too he says something.

Husband declares he is taking her to school, I respond 'what hungry?' Im panicking now looking for orange juice/ milk/ something to get her some nutrition. Opening and closing fridge, cupboards, just confused.

I get mad and ask husband what he did yesterday, he said she didn't eat breakfast then either! I'm distrort.

My anxiety to her eating is linked to her being underweight, having nutritional drinks to supplement food. This is third day of school. I did first day, breakfast was eaten. I had her up at 7,730ish so we were relaxed and had time to eat. There was zero fuss.

I spend all the time after school pumping her up with meals successful. She's pooped 💩, drank, bedtime was delayed as husband faffed for 1 hour.

He claimed she woke at 4am for bathroom, so they were late.

Im fuming at him. I feel like I can do this better without him. He hinders with his help. We've spoken about this at length recently, put plans of actions in, but not followed through.

Is this reason enough to want to leave?

She's got 2 bad tooth, that I feel only happened cos he stopped brushing her teeth(claiming she can do it without him checking- prior I would let her do them, but noticed a spot she couldn't reach so I'd complete that off).
I had potty trained her fully for day time, night time needed to take her toilet when she fidgeted, he couldn't notice the fidgeting, had to clean up wet bed too often so put her back in Nappies.
The changes happened because DD2 had arrived(2yrs ago), I'd co sleep with both, baby in moses basket/ cot mainly, bed for feeds. PND hit about 3/4 months in and husband offered to help put DD1 to bed which in turn became him co sleeping with her and me with baby.

PND went nuclear, he promised to move closer to my parents, we are currently in the house move process, I eventually moved in with my parents for support, as had zero support from his family who we lived local to and he worked long hours.

I feel he takes advantage of the help and support my aging parents provide. He just doesn't seem to be kind or considerate anymore. He loves his new colleagues in his new job with his new 6 figure salary. My worst time with PND he was absorbed completely in his job, which he got when I was 7 months pregnant.
Now I'm on the mend, I see him using my illness to explain his late starts for school, work, time off work, currently his claimed family life is to tough and handed in resignation.
But reality is, his got an easier 6 figure job lined up, any time off he had only made my life harder with him insisting on daily days out with the kids I was nursing, changing poop explosions, potty training, managing eating issues in museums, farms, the car, service stations, airports, in the rain, snow heat waves. Just pushing and pushing me.
We got shouty, violent, aggressive. Ive asked him to leave which lasted under a week given im at my parents the pressure got to them and asked me to take him back. This was about 6 weeks ago.
And here I am again wishing for the same.

(DD1 DD2 both born in Jan so will turn 5 and 2 in days)

@uhOhOP some people (not just men) are just incompetent, it's not always weaponised

Sounds like madness, you're running around distraught banging cupboards? can you not give her fruit or a cereal bar type to eat in car?
Why is the wee one going back to sleep at 8.20?
No need for all this drama

Esp if she is SAHM. I would expect that person to be managing the morning routine. The toddler doesn't need to be fed back to sleep at 8am, surely.

And the grandparents just endure all of this commotion?

The attitude is not right is it. There isn't team work. I should take control or at least help out in morning rush.

Our plan was he do bedtimes, he just reminded me I was to do mornings. We just slipped into old habits.

Once things breakdown it takes more effort to rebuild.

Thank you for your responses.

Thanks for the reminder on meat, egg and fat diet too. With DD2 allergic to eggs and dairy, carbs have become an easy, safe alternative. The milk allergy has also been the reason for not weaning DD2 off breast milk.

I don't understand how he has become so buried in simple tasks he wasn't like this 2 yrs earlier, with just DD1. I should be kinder to him too. Stress can mess things up.

I'm more open to hiring help, preparing to return to work too. Sometimes I think it'll be added pressure but it may be the reality check I need in my daily life to calm down.

I feel ashamed now for posting this!

It is certainly normal. Life with a 2 year old and a 4 year old is exhausting and if my 2 year old would sleep past 8:20 I’d certainly encourage it especially if they were still waking in the night!

She was looking after the 2 year old and possibly catching up on sleep from a broken night.
He should have been able to manage the other child

OP have you heard the phrase weaponised incompetence?

If dh is capable of getting a job with a six figure salary, I would hazard a guess that he's reasonably able to organise himself. I would be thinking that he's either incapable of getting himself and dd up and ready in the morning, or deliberately sabotaging things.

Whilst I'm not sure why Dc2 is still needing to be going back to sleep at 8.20 (bf or not, doesn't matter), dh needs to be up and getting dd ready, including breakfast IF THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN AGREED.

I would be having a sit down chat about how the mornings need to be better but also about everyone's routines - bedtime for dd1 needs sorting, overnights and mornings (actually dd2's whole routine sounds out of whack) for dd2 needs sorting, getting up routine for dd1 needs planning.

Food is important for dd1 so this must be a priority. Also toothbrushing - 2 cavities at 5 years old is neglect, this needs addressing straight away.

If you are a SAHM can you all get up in the morning to start your days together?

When my dc's were small, I had to get both up, all of our days started at 7am and had to get us all out on the school run for 8.30 similar age difference, and the youngest was up with the rest of us, why is your youngest going back to sleep at 8.20?

Hopefully a better, transparent routine will sort it. But if he still fucks it up, I'd be tempted to make an exit plan.

Please don’t feel ashamed for posting!

You just need to learn to relax a bit more and perhaps reach out for some professional help to manage your stress levels.

If DD has issues with food, you being stressed out and panicking over it isn’t going to help.
I do wonder if this may be the reason she’s underweight.

If you see that they’re running late, then you can suggest he gets her dressed or offer to make her a sandwich or toast to take in the car instead but ultimately she’s his child and he needs to learn how to get her to school on time.

Well good on you OP for being so self-aware and ready to see your own part in things.

Life can be a bit shit with two under 5 especially if there are worries about their eating.
It's very stressful being a mother, it really is.

Try not to fall into the all or nothing thinking.

One day of DD1 eating a toasted bagel in the car will be fine.

Yes the stress levels are tricky.

I wish I hadn't spent so much time worrying when my kids were small.
Because it stole the joy of their existence from me.

There were so many many things I could have let go of.

You reminded me of myself there saying that having to bring a small baby on a day out was more trouble than it was worth. That's how I felt.

But now looking back I'm thinking - I wish we'd had more days out when they were younger... but then the rose-tinted glasses of hindsight.

The reality of say a day out at the Museum is that the youngest is screaming and won't eat the mashed banana and avocado you brought and you cannot enjoy the Museum or look around because the 4yr old has to be watched.

Can you make more child-free time for yourself, and your hobbies and interests? Is there a group locally you could join - or a start studying a topic you are interested in?

Because you are losing yourself and your response to that seems to be burying yourself deeper into your family rather than seeing the advantages of regaining your own identity outside your family circle.

So she might not be hungry at breakfast, but she'll probably get hungry before the next opportunity to eat, therefore she should eat at least something before going to school.
People, adult or child, SHOULD be hungry before they eat. If the child is hungry she will eat.

Barely anyone’s picked up on the violence?!!!

What exactly did that look like OP? I think that’s a bigger deal than bloody breakfast and hair bobbles.

I think it is a bit much to be critical of him whilst you are lounging around in bed at 8:20am.

I must admit that I completely overlooked that, because there was so much going on before that.

I felt stressed just reading the morning events and I feel very sorry for the kids.

This relationship is obviously very toxic and it needs to end.

The fact that there is violence on top of all this drama, means that it needs to end asap!

It's weaponised incompetence. He knows you won't allow your children to suffer so you will step up when he does a shit job

I feel he takes advantage of the help and support my aging parents provide.
It sounds like you both take advantage of your parents.

This is all absolutely bonkers.

Why can't a grown man do a pony tail? You haven't detailed it, but perhaps he has no arms or hands? I can't think of any other reason an adult can't do hair.

'Can you do dds hair'
'What on Earth are you talking about? Have your hands fallen off?'

Op, he is absolutely useless. Embarrassingly so. Isn't he embarrassed to ask you to do her hair?

Also, please can you let me know which job pays £100k when you're this useless.

Yes, I'd leave. I'd have left a very long time ago. (I missed the violence bit as well, couldn't get past the ridiculousness of the hair.)

Um.

Leaving the morning stuff aside for a moment,

You are at your parents because of PND and lack of support where you were

You have already asked your DH to leave following aggression and violence and he did

Your parents then asked for him to come back as they couldn't take the pressure.

He has resigned his job because he feels he needs to spend more time with his family and he was missing lots of days and being late.

Sounds like your parents are doing an awful lot for both of you, and also sounds like your DH is trying to improve.

What support are you getting for PND? Can you try and access home help or similar? If you cannot manage on your own without your parents help then I'd suggest trying to get as much external help as possible.

Allergic to milk in a general sense, or allergic to cowsmilk? I think you may be a tad paranoid and controlling about your DC's nutrition. Who told you your DD 1 is underweight? Do you weigh her? Children have different growth rates, there is no 'one size fits all'. Sure, sometimes they may look thinner for a time, but then they have sudden periods of eating lots more, right before they have a growth spurt.
There's some babyfiing going on by you and I think you are having some trouble letting them grow up with some independence. Co sleeping at 2 and still breastfeeding- don't care what some say, its totally ludicrous to my mind and making a rod for your own back and stunting development. Why on earth are you encouraging a 2 year old to go back to bed?
Then there's DD1, co-sleeping with Daddy - what, at 4 ! Not out of nappies yet ( my DS had this done by 3, should aim to be sorted before school). Spoon-feeding a 4 year old - that's madness.
Overall, it shows you have both lost the plot a bit since becoming parents, possibly the PND not helped. You've been off work for 2 years but still rely heavily on others to the extent that your own parents could not cope with the level of support you were putting on them.
If you aim to go back to work, you are going to need to aim for a better routine where DD2 does not get milk in the morning so she goes back to sleep as she'd be in nursery prior to the working day.
Not surprising your relationship has suffered, I'm half surprised your DH is still hanging in there tbf and it sounds like he is willing to try and do stuff, albeit not to your standards. Co-sleeping all the time is going to drive a wedge in most relationships.
I think maybe some counselling is needed, and maybe parent classes. There's too much anxiety all round.

I think you are having some trouble letting them grow up with some independence. Co sleeping at 2 and still breastfeeding- don't care what some say, its totally ludicrous to my mind and making a rod for your own back and stunting development. Why on earth are you encouraging a 2 year old to go back to bed?

sorry but this is rubbish. It certainly isn’t stunting development but in many cases helping healthy development!
I suggest you take more note of this part of your post earlier:

there is no 'one size fits all'.

For those commenting on the eating - you don't get it unless you have an underweight child. DD12 has been underweight since she was a few months old. Originally we blamed her reflux, later her repeated tonsilitis (both resolved now). She has been tested for coeliac and in a particularly dark time for leukaemia. GPs flip flop between saying she is fine, just skinny, and having a bit of a panic that she looks like she is starved and doing tests until they find nothing and go back to thinking she is just skinny. School weighs in cause urgent letters home etc..

She does not "eat when she is hungry" and "a few meals of just carbs won't hurt" doesn't really apply to a chronically underweight child. Mine can withstand feeling hungry up to fainting point if I don't dump delicious food that she enjoys right in front of her mouth. She will skip meals if eating is a bother (we fight over her eating school lunch as she says waiting in line is bother but won't eat a packed lunch so often skips it altogether). The rest of her meals are designed by me to maximise calories and protein yet still get in carbs and vitamins in small portions as she rarely finishes a meal. She isn't trying to be thin, she just doesn't care about eating. Mashed potatoes have butter, cream and egg yolk in. Vegetables get buttered. I make damned waffles for breakfast with 2 yolks and no white and full cream milk and flour as that gets a good protein/fat/carbs hit in. Everything has cheese on it! And the grand total of all this effort is a pack of safety pins needed to keep practically every item of clothing on her. I have to safety pin her swimming shorts to her rash vest to keep them up 🙄😂.

I hope she eventually finds a better balance but it really is important that an underweight kid gets breakfast... Rant over!

With a 2 year old and a 4 year old I'd expect you to get them ready for school tbh, and give them breakfast. I always get mine ready in the morning if dh is going to work.
2 is old enough to allow you to have a shower, and get ready after your dh has gone. She can play in the same area you're in.
I think you're expecting too much from your dh, it's great he is taking your oldest to school! Most full time Mums have to drop off with the little one in tow.

So yes YABU.

And as others have said you need to work on making the 2 year old a little less dependant. She shouldn't be feeding to sleep aswell, esp at 8.20am as well. She should be having breakfast.

I sympathise with your PND, and that must be stressful for the while family, adding to all of the strain. I think you're lucky to have your child taken to school and their grandparents on the scene. So many don't.

I just saw a pp mention violence. If this is the case imo you're dh shouldn't be living with you.

@2024NewyearNewme can you get little snacks ready the day before that your daughter can eat for breakfast at home or on the way to school. Breakfast sandwich/wrap/boiled egg etc?

Make sure the days outfit are all together in one pile? And put the outfit in the wash when she comes home if it needs it so it isn’t around for grabbing by accident.

With her teeth also check that she doesn’t have weak enamel - my youngest had to have a coating on to protect the baby teeth.

he does sound lazy but I think your routine needs a jiggle and some tweaks to make things work smoother between you.

I hope you start to manage to communicate better between each other and massive squishes @2024NewyearNewme on all the emotions you are feeling at the moment.

Breakfast is important for schoolchildren.

You both sound as if you are struggling.

Sit down, write a plan for the whole family and stick to it. Everyone up at 7.15, breakfast for everyone, everyone get dressed, 8.20 DH and elderst out of the door, you and youngest out for a walk, youngest can have a nap when you get back.