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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Only fans

71 replies

Confusedandstreased · 10/01/2024 21:19

Ok I’m so
confused I was on my husband
phone on the internet just browsing.
I decided to look at his search history, I don’t know why maybe because me and my friends had been talking about how our search history was well weird and we all compared our random searches.
anyway I came across only fans. I don’t care about porn but only fans hit me in the gut.and some of the history said OnlyFans/mychats - part of me is like no way does this mean he’s actually chatted.
iv checked our bank and there is no subscription or weird payments to prepaid cards.
or random cash withdrawal ( to preload another card)
I have read into it and from what I can see some creators offer free content which can include chat as a way to Lear ppl in I guess.
anyway I feel betrayed more so if he had chatted. But even seeing it in the search history part of me
thinks it’s wrong and dosnt actually mean he chats.
i don’t know what I’m asking really but I’m so confused. Like I said I don’t mind porn prob not only free content it’s the chat.
I did try to login in to only fans to see but I can’t seem to find an an account associated with his email or his twitter ( the one I know of)
I feel I need to see if he has been chatting so I don’t get blagged. I also don’t know if I’m just being a
complete melt feeling like this. But it’s made me feel
gross and disgusting about myself to the point I don’t want him to look at me. So something needs to be addressed. I don’t want to
speak with friends as I’m 2 embarrassed and I don’t want them to think badly of him
as I know it’s normal 2.
Sorry for going on I struggle to write and I’m very poor with spelling and gramma.

Only fans
OP posts:
Kona84 · 11/01/2024 09:40

Could he have been sent a ‘look at this’ link from a friend or clicked it on Facebook or some other porn site.
i know I’ve seen some only fans links on Reddit - so he could have clicked one it then took him to the landing page that you are seeing.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/01/2024 09:40

sondot · 11/01/2024 08:58

he wouldn’t physically cheat.

Of course he will.

You have already made it clear you will accept whatever he tells you if you even raise this with him. That will be his green light.

I agree

His actions are hardly those of someone who definitely wouldn't cheat are they!

So the search history has been deleted - do you know, I never delete my internet search history because there's nothing in there that I wouldn't want my partner to see.

OP you are being very very naive

sondot · 11/01/2024 09:40

This is pretty brutal no ?

That was rather the point. Sometimes you have to spell it out to people, particularly those who can't see what is staring them in the face

Plenty of us mums use porn doesn't mean we would swan off with 12 inch Timmy.

'Us mums' - we are not a collective group of duplicates. However there is a vast difference between having a quick wank over porn hub and signing up to OF, talking to real people.

Do you have a husband ? / kids?

I have but I'm not at all sure what the relevance is?

toddlermam · 11/01/2024 09:45

You definitely need to speak to him about this. You have a picture of the history so he can't deny it. I'd make him log in right then and there in front of me or the relationship would be over (then again, I'd probably end it regardless)

Bookworm20 · 11/01/2024 10:09

From that screen shot it shows he was logged into an only fans account and looked at messages with 4 different people. One of them 3 times.
From that screen shot.

So you know that he has:

  1. Created an onlyfans account
  2. Messaged/looked at messages from multiple women and as its says gallery there will be images from those messages.
  3. Hid it from you and covered his tracks: Deleted his history, ensured hisb login isn't saved in the phone.

If it was a curious one off 'mistake' he wouldn't have checked out multiple messages. And its highly unlikely he would have created an account, been and then suddenly messaged by women who do not know of his existence. It is much more likely he initiated it.

Add in the fact he is clearly doing all this behind your back and hiding it from you. So he knows what he is doing would upset you.
Yet, he's doing it anyway.

The only way you can see for sure is if you are able to log into the account using the credentials he has set up.

Is there a forgotten password link? Do you have access to his emails?

Or the possibility of course he has set up another email account for the pure and simple purpose of ensuring you do not find out about this.

When you put all that together, he is cheating.

NewYearNewPyjamas · 11/01/2024 10:29

I don't know only fans so can't help on that side but I would be concerned that it's all gone now. That either means he knows you know or he is actively deleting his history anyway and was just slow on the previous occasion.

I know you say you're not good at confrontation and obviously this is going to be hard but you're standing up for yourself here and ensuring you get the life you deserve and are treated as such.

He may be fantastic but this is either a slip or regular behaviour. Only you can say if you forgive this. Don't let anyone talk you either way. You need to talk to him. Best of luck.

Confusedandstreased · 11/01/2024 12:01

Could he have been sent a ‘look at this’ link from a friend or clicked it on Facebook or some other porn site.

this is why I’m struggling

From that screen shot it shows he was logged into an only fans account and looked at messages with 4 different people. One of them 3 times.
From that screen shot.

😭😭😭 it’s the opening them is it it that I’m feeling hurt by I think.

Is there a forgotten password link? Do you have access to his emails?

tried this and it says no known account with this email.

thank you everyone this is really helping me answer some questions in my head.

OP posts:
Bookworm20 · 11/01/2024 13:07

tried this and it says no known account with this email.

So he either has set up another email or he has completely deleted the account.

I guess the only thing you can do if you don't want to risk alerting him to you knowing you've seen this history is to:

  1. keep checking his history every chance you get and look for another email account on his devices or
  2. Bring it up in a casual conversation. Such as tell him your friend has found her bf on onlyfans and shes upset, has he heard of onlyfans? does he know what it is? and has he ever been on it? And see what his response is. If it was a one off and a mistake, he'd tell you that. If its something he wants to hide from you his response will be vague at best, or downright denial hes ever checked it out at worst. either way you'll be able to see if he is capable of outright lying to you, or will be truthful when asked.

Then you'll know more where you stand. Sorry he has been on there op. Some men are really shitty sometimes.

Confusedandstreased · 13/01/2024 10:59

Brought it up.
he said it’s from boredom. That he never pays for anything and that he just does it to see how far he can push before they ask for money.
he said that they are most like teams and AI. He’s said he is embarrassed and hates his elf and can’t look at me. It means nothing and he only wants me. He’s also said a few things about himself that has upset me and I never knew he felt that way about himself. But I did say this is not an excuse and that I’m still very confused. Feel upset betrayed and it’s Mede me feel really low about myself.
we are not taking face to face but remain amicable and I’m not sure how I want to proceed. I love him with all my heart and he’s never hurt me before and he is genuine a lovely guy apart from this.

OP posts:
ManchesterBea · 13/01/2024 11:07

Confusedandstreased · 13/01/2024 10:59

Brought it up.
he said it’s from boredom. That he never pays for anything and that he just does it to see how far he can push before they ask for money.
he said that they are most like teams and AI. He’s said he is embarrassed and hates his elf and can’t look at me. It means nothing and he only wants me. He’s also said a few things about himself that has upset me and I never knew he felt that way about himself. But I did say this is not an excuse and that I’m still very confused. Feel upset betrayed and it’s Mede me feel really low about myself.
we are not taking face to face but remain amicable and I’m not sure how I want to proceed. I love him with all my heart and he’s never hurt me before and he is genuine a lovely guy apart from this.

Well done for bringing it up. I think the best thing to do is ask him to show you the account, and what he has been sending/ receiving.

Do not let him divert you with his self pity. He's trying to distract you by saying negative things about himself.

ManchesterBea · 13/01/2024 11:09

Also this is worth unpacking:

'he said it’s from boredom. That he never pays for anything and that he just does it to see how far he can push before they ask for money.'

What does he mean 'push'?

Also, why would he consider this fair to people who are working on OF?

Can he also reference his source for believing it is teams or AI?

Universalsnail · 13/01/2024 11:14

Personally I think if you are ok with porn then it's better he uses OF and can confirm that the porn he is consuming are from sex workers who are fully consenting.

But i mean this would be a deal breaker for me and I'd end the relationship but I am not ok with any porn in my relationship.

blackpanth · 13/01/2024 11:15

He doesn't sound like a fantastic husband.

Universalsnail · 13/01/2024 11:15

Confusedandstreased · 13/01/2024 10:59

Brought it up.
he said it’s from boredom. That he never pays for anything and that he just does it to see how far he can push before they ask for money.
he said that they are most like teams and AI. He’s said he is embarrassed and hates his elf and can’t look at me. It means nothing and he only wants me. He’s also said a few things about himself that has upset me and I never knew he felt that way about himself. But I did say this is not an excuse and that I’m still very confused. Feel upset betrayed and it’s Mede me feel really low about myself.
we are not taking face to face but remain amicable and I’m not sure how I want to proceed. I love him with all my heart and he’s never hurt me before and he is genuine a lovely guy apart from this.

I have to be honest the see how far he can push before they ask for money is disgusting and to me far worse then just paying for only fans content. He's behaving like an entitled sleeze ball.

MillicentRogers · 13/01/2024 11:16

Always remember that when they are caught they will always try to turn it around that they are a victim and will try and manipulate you into feeling sorry for them as a way to distract you from what they have done.

LolaLaLaLou · 13/01/2024 11:17

Without sounding harsh, the self pity, can't look at, was just seeing how far I could get is a standard response to brush it off... Speaking from someone who's been in a similar position.

How would he feel if you were seeing how far you could push something like that?

Confusedandstreased · 13/01/2024 11:37

Thank you all for your replies.

they are really helping me.

when he means push it I think he means how much before they ask for tip. And I never thought before but yeah that’s not really fair on the worker.

he thinks it’s just AI and teams of ppl because it’s just generic content.

i think I’m gonna ask how he would feel if it was other way around.

gosh this is so hard to navigate

OP posts:
wellhello24 · 13/01/2024 12:10

MillicentRogers · 13/01/2024 11:16

Always remember that when they are caught they will always try to turn it around that they are a victim and will try and manipulate you into feeling sorry for them as a way to distract you from what they have done.

This. OP he’s taking you for an absolute mug. OF is not generic porn either it’s real, individual women he is sexually attracted to, messaging, asking them to do sexual things for him personally on camera. You catch it out and oh diddums! He hates himself & he has such awful insecurities!!!! Fuck. That. Men are sooooo predictable. Are you happy with him wanking & cumming to some other woman naked doing sexual things for him on camera?? This is men for you and the reason I stay single.

daisybe · 13/01/2024 12:14

Universalsnail · 13/01/2024 11:14

Personally I think if you are ok with porn then it's better he uses OF and can confirm that the porn he is consuming are from sex workers who are fully consenting.

But i mean this would be a deal breaker for me and I'd end the relationship but I am not ok with any porn in my relationship.

Trouble is, there's absolutely no way to know if the girls (and I mean girls because most are barely legal) are actually consenting. It's been widely known that they are forced to record consent videos against their will.

The other thing... They are all clean shaven so they look like pre-pubescent GIRLS.
think about it. It's sick. And it creates unrealistic expectations in men as to what real women are actually like.

It's actually been scientifically proven that porn has negative effects on a man's brain, so while they think they've had a release, the longer term effects are that they're more Moody, more likely to be distant and grouchy and grumpy, some get aggressive. Many also display self centered/entitled behaviour.
It also goes round in circles, they go back for more thinking they'll feel better. Some will get addicted. But it just continues to make them worse and in turn, worse partners.

It doesn't matter how he got to it, fact is, he did and quite frankly, men lie and gaslight when caught out. I'd never believe what he says.

Personally, if a partner can't man up to be open about his feelings or be romantic with his REAL LIFE parnter and would rather hurt his partner and go behind her back to wank off to barely legal sluts online, he has a bigger problem that needs addressing.

Once trust is broken, its very hard to get back. Obviously depends on your relationship, but me personally, I've struggled to trust mine fully again and he's done nothing to actually earn it back. Holding my hand or opening doors for me isn't earning trust.

You need to decide whether you actually mind or don't. Then you need to tell him what that is so it's clear between you whether you feel its OK or not ok.

I get that some partners are absolutely fine with it, others (like me, obvs) are not. So there needs to be a wider discussion so you're both on the same page.

daisybe · 13/01/2024 12:21

Confusedandstreased · 13/01/2024 11:37

Thank you all for your replies.

they are really helping me.

when he means push it I think he means how much before they ask for tip. And I never thought before but yeah that’s not really fair on the worker.

he thinks it’s just AI and teams of ppl because it’s just generic content.

i think I’m gonna ask how he would feel if it was other way around.

gosh this is so hard to navigate

Of course it's not fair on the worker. The % of these girls are forced to do this while someone else pockets the money is much higher than one would realise and there's no way to truly know.

Definitely ask him how he'd feel if it was the other way around. Bet he would feel awful knowing we were looking at barely legal men/boys to get our kicks and ignoring their needs!!! Then said we did it because "we were bored" 🤨

tanjaav · 13/01/2024 12:31

I wouldn't overthink this too much. It's very easy for people on here to judge. He's been tempted by these sites, and made a big mistake. Of course he's going to try and minimise the hurt and say what you want to hear to some extent. The real question is whether you think he is genuinely sorry and whether you trust him enough not to hurt you again and can put it behind you. Because if not, it's going to fester and potentially destroy your relationship.

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