WTF? BF doesn’t tell me things

[FelonyMelony]

Not sure if I’m being too expectant, but I feel at the end of my tether with BF.
We don’t live together but are together most of the time, including when he has his DC.
Each weekend we have a chat about our weeks ahead - anything we have planned, special occasions coming up, etc. - idea being that we each have a head’s up and can plan our respective time effectively - or so I thought.
On many occasions now it has transpired that BF hasn’t told me about things, despite having known about them well in advance - things such as him finishing work early, having his DC extra days / evenings, having appointments, etc.
I just don’t understand why he does this? I am always supportive and never begrudge him spending time however he wants / needs to.
It’s not that I wish to control him in any way, I would just like to be able to plan my own time properly - not to mention, it feels somehow hurtful that he doesn’t talk to me about what’s going on - hard to explain but it sometimes feels like he’s being secretive or dishonest.
Each incident is a relatively small deal, but the incidents just keep adding up and I don’t understand it.
Today I found out by accident that his ex wife put their former house on the market a few months ago - yet BF hasn’t breathed a word. Why??

When he's made these plans without saying anything, do you adjust your own plans to fit? It sounds like he's taking it for granted that you will just fit your life around his whims.

Maybe it's time to stop spending his contact time with him. He wouldn't be the first lazy dad to use a new GF as childcare.

Just plan your dates with each other for the week or so ahead. What he does is not really your business and I'm sure you don't share every minute of your week with him.

Relax a bit. You sound a bit clingy.

Just plan your time as you usually would. You sound a bit needy.

@OldTinHat @skippy67 I don’t agree that I’m clingy or needy - if anything, I’d like less time with BF - it’s him that instigates these weekly chats, weirdly, given that he doesn’t share!
Feels like @EvenMoreFuriousVexation is more on the money and that he wants convenience and childcare help :(

Hes you BF not your husband or partner you dont live together he really dont have to tell you anything its not always your business to know what he`s doing.
And you dont need to know about his ex wife or the sale of their house.
You need to calm down.
You do sound a tad clingy and needy sorry.
If you feel hes using you for child care stop doing it.

I'd stop seeing him when he has his kid contact days. He doesn't get to inconvenience you and expect a free babysitter.

I'd wonder if these little omissions usually end up with you picking up the slack as a result.

Also work noticing that narcissistic types like to inconvenience you. So if you catch him having a wee smirk because you're flustered because he's put you out, run for the hills.

get A family calendar and sit down once a month to fill it in with upcoming events and schedules.

If he wanted childcare help, then why isn't he telling you when he's got his DC on extra days? Why do you need to know about his ex putting the house that he no longer lives in up for sale?

Mt stbex is like that. It's as though I don't exist or not worthy of thought or consideration and it can make you feel like crap. It's one of the reasons I've started the divorce process - my time and feelings matter too.

How long have you been with him OP and how old are his children?

Re the house, unless you’re looking to buy together soon I don’t see not telling you it’s on market is a big deal tbh

So he knows all about your week and when you’re available to him, who else you’re seeing , what else you’re doing and what else is going on in your life then he decides as and when when he wants to see you and what he wants to share with you.
I’d be pissed off too.

is he perhaps booking things in after that chat, so that you’re around for childcare help that he wants?

just stop talking about it, make your own plans, be less available.
I don’t understand that you say you want to see him less (surely a bad sign) but that’s not what he wants? If you want to see him less, see him less. Why is it his decision.

Unless it causes an actual problem i.e puts you out or the unshared information is inappropriate then I think you are being overly demanding. He's obviously telling you at some point, so it doesn't sound dodgy.

Even in similar casual chat with friends, I don't tell them everything I am up to for a whole bunch of reasons. Freeing up time to say more about the highlights, leaving out things they're not particularly interested in or just a lot going on. Probably others too, I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about the reasons for my choices. Even if I was married, providing a full itinerary for my entire day, every day, sounds exhausting. It's not like my to do list always gets completed anyway, so its potentially misleading 😂

When you say, "such as times he has his dc extra days", what has been happening? Has he shown up with children when you weren't expecting him to?.Because that is not cool and yes, that would indicate to me that he manipulates you into childcare.

You're being weird. Unless these "omissions" impact you then i don't understand why this would upset you.

I agree with @Chaiandtoast - sounds like he is fitting his week around your availability

So with don’t divulge/ make plans last minute so you are not the child care

I I don’t think you are too clingy- trust your gut instinct

Oh yes I get this. Ime, this doesn't get better. He is a closed book and that's who he is. And he won't understand from your point, or change. So depends if you can live being a bit in the outside or not really

Next time he wants you around when his DC are there, that he should be looking after and spending time with, just say, "sorry, somethings come up, can't do it, forgot I'm going out". See how he likes it.
Then say " you don't think it's fair of you to be there as a distraction as his DC's should get his undivided attention, so prefer to take a step back and let him get on with it when he has the DC's" - as they should, quite right too.

Tbf even if its not about babysitting the kids, I don't think it's clingy to want to feel like your partner is truthful, considerate of your time and includes you.

Anyone is bound to feel dejected if their partner is keeping them out of the loop. Like they're always the last to know everything. On the back foot.

It says 'you're really not all that important to me/we're just not that close'.

There's nothing more stressful than not really knowing where you stand with someone because they can't seem to just be transparent.

I'm afraid I'm much like your BF. I have ADHD and I think I must tell DH something, then that thought is gone when something else's takes up my head space - usually within a nanosecond. I don't mean to keep DH in the dark about things, but I invariably do so time and time again.

Perhaps your BF has a degree of neurodiversity?

How long have you been together? Agree that you shouldn't really be around his kids unless it's a longterm relationship.

Why do you think he should tell you?

He is using you

Weird I'm married and couldn't care less what hubby does when he does it or if I had to say every little plan or arrangement I had. When it's a together or family thing that comes up then we adjust whatever plans we have

Wait…..he uses you for childcare?

I don't think it's clingy and if you usually spend weekends together I think it's common courtesy to let you know what's going on.

But it does sound like he might simply be expecting you to fit in, and around, his plans. Going forward, as you've asked him to keep you informed, i'd simply go ahead and make your own plans. If they don't align with his then so be it, carry on with what you've decided to do. Please don't get into the habit of changing your plans to meet his, this isn't a good dynamic and is pretty selfish on his behalf and smacks of someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart, only his own.