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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To pool money or not

34 replies

Rosie1990 · 10/01/2024 07:50

I know this has been done to death but I’ve just seen a thread about joint accounts and it’s got me thinking. My husband earns about 5x more than me and pays for mortgage, bills , food and lots of the time meals out. I pay my own bills like phone, professional registration etc, holidays ( not all but say I’ll pay for the trip and he’ll pay for everything when we’re there). Then I just buy whatever I like.

We have 2 girls and I went part time when we had the first so earnings went down. I do a lot of the housework day to day, buy all Xmas presents, sort stuff when we have guests ie make food and tidy. Until now I’ve been ok with this set up but reading the thread got me thinking. He has a huge pension and knows I barely have anything, I often tell him I’m sick of my financial situation since kids as I never really had to count the pennies but I want to feel more in control. As I can’t see into the accounts I just have no idea if us planning a couple of holidays is feasible or not.

Personally I don’t think he gets it rather than it being malicious or controlling. What shall I do? What are other people’s experiences?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 10/01/2024 07:55

I'd pool money for sure.

I was a SAHM til the youngest went to school and been PT ever since. I always had access to our money/savings.

We have a joint main account and everything goes in there and all bills come out of same account.

Savings are currently in my name too.
DH doesn't spend a lot and 99% of the activity on the account is me. Might be harder to pool money if you both tend to spend like billy-o though.

I certainly wouldn't want to be married to someone if I didn't knownexactly how much we had/No access to all of it. It would feel totally odd to me.

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 07:55

* I often tell him I’m sick of my financial situation since kids as I never really had to count the pennies but I want to feel more in control. As I can’t see into the accounts I just have no idea if us planning a couple of holidays is feasible or not. *

and? what’s his response?

sounds bloody awful to me 🤷‍♀️

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 07:56

how old are your children?

arethereanyleftatall · 10/01/2024 08:07

Are you saying you have to count the pennies? (It's a bit difficult to read from your op).

As you're married, all assets are shared so if you split you would get 50% of his pension anyway (or other equivalent assets). But if you want a pension, why not set one up and just ask him to put in for you? That would be a perfectly normal thing to do.

As a household, are you watching the pennies? Again, difficult to tell from your op.

Original poster
Rosie1990 · 10/01/2024 08:27

His response when I ask is to tell me what we have and how much we have for bill etc and how much we have for nice things like holidays etc. He also says don’t worry about pension we have enough but for me I hate that - I don’t want to rely on someone and that’s what irks me! I’m from a single parent family and have a very strong value that I can’t rely on anyone and must make it myself but of course that it very hard with kids and completely out of whack to need to think like that given my situation is the exact opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosie1990 · 10/01/2024 08:30

No don’t really need to count the pennies as such, that wasn’t the right term from me. I just can’t do as much as I used to before kids but neither can he! Bigger house, bills and expenses have done that to us. On the whole we have a comfortable life but like many others feel it more now due to cost of living

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosie1990 · 10/01/2024 08:30

5 and 7

OP posts:
plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 08:31

do you love him? good marriage? good man?

Sit down and tell him how important this is

Do you want to go full time now both at school?

Original poster
Rosie1990 · 10/01/2024 08:48

Yes so much and we’re happy - I just saw that thread and it got me thinking. However that persons husband was nasty to her and mine is not so I think that was the bigger issue. I’ve actually recently gone self employed and that is meant to be full time but I’m doing all kid pick ups as he’s working but we’re splitting taking them to clubs mostly. I think with this new way of life for us we need to talk and decide how to manage me being close to full time too but I do think his job has to take priority in some respects as it’s the one bringing in the money. Also have the mum guilt putting them in too many after school clubs… fgs why am I like this!!

OP posts:
PoinsettiaLives · 10/01/2024 08:53

This sounds awful, OP, especially the fact that you have no visibility of your financial situation as a couple.

I would only be willing to take a cut in earnings to go PT (with all the extra childcare and housework implied) if all money was pooled or (at least) you both pay into a joint account in proportion to income so that you can see what's available for holidays etc. He's treating you like a child.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/01/2024 08:57

The other thread is different. That man had dollars in his eyes when he saw the op. People at work encouraged them into saying they should have a joint account but the reality was that he only paid £500 a month all in and was complaining that the £1300 or so that he had left wasn't enough. They were not married.

MaxTalk · 10/01/2024 08:59

Never pool money. Go out and earn your own cash.

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/01/2024 17:40

Ok, I'll just say what MN generally thinks but wont necessarily say:

If you have more, then no, don't pool as he's clearly a lazy cocklodger who's trying to sponge off you. You need to protect yourself.

If you have less, then yes, you should pool as that's the very definition of what family is! If he is reluctant then he is tight and mean. Probs best to marry even if a quick registry office jobbie 'so you have the bit of paper' before he leaves you high and dry. You need to protect yourself.

HTH 😉

Beastiesandthebeauty · 10/01/2024 17:48

Ask him explain.

See of both your ideas match go from there. ?

You should at keast have information about balances ect.

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 18:12

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/01/2024 17:40

Ok, I'll just say what MN generally thinks but wont necessarily say:

If you have more, then no, don't pool as he's clearly a lazy cocklodger who's trying to sponge off you. You need to protect yourself.

If you have less, then yes, you should pool as that's the very definition of what family is! If he is reluctant then he is tight and mean. Probs best to marry even if a quick registry office jobbie 'so you have the bit of paper' before he leaves you high and dry. You need to protect yourself.

HTH 😉

Ok, I'll just say what MN generally thinks but wont necessarily say:

what are you on about? 😂

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 18:13

i always chuckle when a poster rides in to a thread thinking they’re going to tell it how it is, and really help the OP 😂

Whataretheodds · 10/01/2024 18:14

As I can’t see into the accounts

Why can't you see them? Major red flag.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 10/01/2024 18:23

We have a similar set up re finances but with one huge fundamental difference. I manage the savings accounts, he has little idea what is in there as he doesn't care but I've offered him access passwords many times and he can ask to see the balance whenever. Although I earn less and we have separate accounts it is joint money and I can spend what I like (within reason, we would both discuss big bills or purchases). If things are not transparent it's a huge red flag.

EverybodyLTB · 10/01/2024 18:29

The lack of transparency from him, and you taking a step back from work to take care of the children, forgoing pension, doing all the life admin despite also working…. Yeah, he earns more - doesn’t sound like he does more, though. How much does he actually earn and how much do you earn? Or more to the point, what does each of you have left after you’ve paid what you’ve listed? Also the mortgage could be for all we know £800 and these holidays you’re paying for could be tens of thousands / it’s hard to know what’s fair when there’s no detail.

Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 18:32

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 18:12

Ok, I'll just say what MN generally thinks but wont necessarily say:

what are you on about? 😂

Show quote history

It’s not hard to work out - try again

PoinsettiaLives · 10/01/2024 18:36

alwaysmovingforwards · 10/01/2024 17:40

Ok, I'll just say what MN generally thinks but wont necessarily say:

If you have more, then no, don't pool as he's clearly a lazy cocklodger who's trying to sponge off you. You need to protect yourself.

If you have less, then yes, you should pool as that's the very definition of what family is! If he is reluctant then he is tight and mean. Probs best to marry even if a quick registry office jobbie 'so you have the bit of paper' before he leaves you high and dry. You need to protect yourself.

HTH 😉

I’ve never seen a man called a cocklodger because he’s gone PT in order to care for his children and do the housework. It tends to be more the guys who want to sit about playing video games all day.

No wonder men undervalue domestic work if women do as well, even if it’s done oh-so-amusingly 🙄

plumberdrain · 10/01/2024 18:46

Deathbyfluffy · 10/01/2024 18:32

It’s not hard to work out - try again

Show quote history

yes meaning poster is being daft and thinking she is some kind of saviour. Riding in with what others fear to say 😂

and i even had to clarify that for you!

zaffa · 10/01/2024 18:52

Whataretheodds · 10/01/2024 18:14

As I can’t see into the accounts

Why can't you see them? Major red flag.

I think because her name isn't on them. Neither a red flag on its own, DH wouldn't be able to see my personal bank account nor would it be a red flag if we held separate accounts. Huge over reaction from you without knowing the facts!
OP, this sounds like a good time for you two to sit down and discuss how you want to divide up money, financial responsibilities, savings and childcare going forward.

Theresit · 10/01/2024 19:00

DH also earns about 5x my salary. I also have a rubbish pension. He puts more in to his because it’s tax efficient.
Our income is family money. It’s all pooled. We sit down together once a year with a spreadsheet so we both know where everything is, how much it is etc then have a rough plan for the year coming.
Neither of us can be arsed with the yours and mine malarkey, but then we have the same view on money and it’s not something we argue about. We’ve been married a long time.

Jonisaysitbest · 10/01/2024 21:39

Definitely have the conversations with him and make sure everything is on an even footing.
Everything seems fine in your marriage now but just a quick gander around MN and you know you can't take anything for granted.
Your husband's slightly controlling way with the finances is a bit concerning and could be a red flag so don't sit on this.

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