To pool money or not

[Rosie1990]

I know this has been done to death but I’ve just seen a thread about joint accounts and it’s got me thinking. My husband earns about 5x more than me and pays for mortgage, bills , food and lots of the time meals out. I pay my own bills like phone, professional registration etc, holidays ( not all but say I’ll pay for the trip and he’ll pay for everything when we’re there). Then I just buy whatever I like.

We have 2 girls and I went part time when we had the first so earnings went down. I do a lot of the housework day to day, buy all Xmas presents, sort stuff when we have guests ie make food and tidy. Until now I’ve been ok with this set up but reading the thread got me thinking. He has a huge pension and knows I barely have anything, I often tell him I’m sick of my financial situation since kids as I never really had to count the pennies but I want to feel more in control. As I can’t see into the accounts I just have no idea if us planning a couple of holidays is feasible or not.

Personally I don’t think he gets it rather than it being malicious or controlling. What shall I do? What are other people’s experiences?

I don’t do all the life admin at all. He does his fair share I’d say given we both work. If I were to ask what’s what he tells me I just don’t have the passwords etc and access to that money although I’m not even sure I’m comfortable pooling money either in all honesty!
In terms of money
he earns: £115k + bonuses so all in all £130k
I earn £25k
he pays mortgage bills and food, car stuff approx £3800 - £4000 (not exactly sure as I can’t see but I’m going on what he’s said when I’ve just asked him !!!!)

i paid for a holiday last year £3000 but he’s actually just booked one for this year £5000 tbh if we did a percentage split for bills I’d have nothing left because outgoings so high but then people say we should pool the rest and split but then he’s just giving me money from his pay rather than me just keeping what I earn so what’s the point!

Op, the thing is the average salary in the Uk is £35k I think, whereas your household income is 5 times that. You're comparing yourself to other posters, where the average is £35k, so most are around that, and how they do it, but you're not in the same position. Most people when they talk of joint accounts and splitting remainder etc is because they don't have loads of money lying around so it has to be all budgeted.
You are in the same (fortunate) position I was in when I was married, if I've understood correctly. There's no need for joint accounts and splitting remainder etc when you both have more than you need.
I can't say I particularly knew what my then husband earned because it didn't matter. He paid for basically everything , like yours does, and if I wanted/needed more, I'd just say 'can you pay off my credit card this month' and he'd say 'yes'. All very casual because it could be.
My point is, don't compare yourself to people who have to budget.

Thank you I really think this is what I needed to hear. You’ve got our situation really spot on there. If I asked him he’d just say yeah, no questions asked. I think some people see it as very black and white that people “should” do this or that but every situation is different I guess ⭐️

simple really op

DH, please could we set up a joint account for bills and holiday costs etc that i have access to, as i’m keen to be more involved with family finances

any response other than “sure” would be concerning

As I can’t see into the accounts

why don’t you ask for the online log in details

literally that is all that needs to be done 😐

The earlier poster has it right. If there’s no budgeting issues there’s no need to pool money. DH and I have been together for nearly 20 years and have never had joint accounts or pooled any money. We both earn over 100k so affordability is never an issue. I’ve no idea what is in his bank account and he has no idea what is in mine. It is irrelevant.

I would want access to all accounts in your situation, its a vulnerable position to be in otherwise. If anything happens to him, or he walks out etc you have no idea whats happening financially. Sounds like you are taking on the majority of the unpaid work in the marriage as is often the case with women, but I wouldn't allow that to be so devalued as to have no sight into what money does come in and go out. When you agree to do this its on the understanding its as a partnership and joint endeavour. You may not choose to use this access and leave it all up to him, but that still doesnt mean you dont have the choice to know what is going on financially. It about being an equal adult with equal responsibility and rights in the marriage.

You have a similar set up to my husband and I. He was the bigger earner and paid for everything, my NHS 12 hours a week job paid for all child related things and any over I spent on myself. I did up my hours once the children were older.
It never bothered me , we both retired a couple of years ago ( me 55 him 58) and have pooled our pensions having the same spends each a month. Like your husband mine is kind we did talk about putting all our money in one pot but didn't get round to it .

You’re sacrificing your career, salary and pension to look after his kids. You need all income pooled.I can’t believe you’d tolerate not having that the minute you took your first maternity leave.