Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found flirty messages - should I forgive him?

46 replies

Frooty11 · 09/01/2024 14:19

BF sending flirty messages - can I forgive him?

Backstory: I recently left my husband who I'd been with for 5 years for another man because I thought we were in love and soulmates.

Things haven't been easy with new guy because there are lots of emotions left over from the break-up and we rushed into things. We saw each other constantly and I relied on him for emotional support. He tried to support me but, at times, found it difficult to listen to me be upset over someone else when we were trying to be together.

We've both been emotionally drained by lots of things that have resulted from the situation and have been arguing a lot. Despite this, we've both agreed we want to be together still and find healthier ways of dealing with our emotions. We've blamed a lot of the arguments on the stress of the situation.

Recently, I looked through his phone whilst he was in the shower (I had a bad gut feeling) and found flirty messages to multiple other women. He sent them the heart eye emoji in response to pictures they'd posted of themselves and compliments like 'I bet everyone is telling you that you look nice in that picture'. These women are people who he's previously been friends with/interested it but its never gone anywhere. I obviously shouldn't have gone through his phone.

I confronted him and he explained he did this because the arguments have resulted in him feeling negative towards our relationship/situationship and have affected his self esteem at times. I still don't think this is acceptable. I think he told me this to explain it rather than excuse it.

I want to forgive him because I used to think we are so good together. I'm really attached, have strong feelings and haven't felt this way about anyone else. However, I don't want to allow him to disrespect me.

Is his behaviour forgivable?

OP posts:
bellinisurge · 09/01/2024 14:27

I wouldn't. I know you fell in love but I don't think he's a long term prospect.
I'm sorry. He's let you down

blackpanth · 09/01/2024 14:28

Nope

DrunkenElephant · 09/01/2024 14:29

Edited because I COMPLETELY a misunderstood your post, apologies!

I wouldn’t trust new guy. It sounds like you need to be alone for a while.

Mammyloveswine · 09/01/2024 14:30

DrunkenElephant · 09/01/2024 14:29

Edited because I COMPLETELY a misunderstood your post, apologies!

I wouldn’t trust new guy. It sounds like you need to be alone for a while.

Edited

No thr messages are on new man's phone.., all sounds very toxic!

Ops husband had a lucky escape imo!

Quitelikeit · 09/01/2024 14:31

Now you know what it sort of feels like when someone cheats on you

When you cheated on your partner how did you feel about him? That you cared for him but he just wasn’t enough?

That’s exactly what’s happening here. You aren’t meeting his needs and he is busy finding ways to do that himself

burn

peachsweettea · 09/01/2024 14:32

Why would you expect someone who had no issue being someone’s affair partner to be loyal?

Hes also just doing to you what you did to your husband 🤷🏼‍♀️

Dogsitterwoes · 09/01/2024 14:33

Well, you picked someone who thinks cheating is okay as he was a willing participant in you cheating on your husband, so no, you probably can't trust each other.

CharmedCult · 09/01/2024 14:35

Remember that buzz and excitement you used to get when you were messaging your current partner behind your husbands back?

That’s what your partner is seeking and getting now.

The whole relationship is built on sand. I don’t know why anyone would want to salvage this.

SamW98 · 09/01/2024 14:36

Sorry OP but you’ve found out life isn’t a Disney movie and you’re now seeing the reality of the situation of your own making.

You’re now seeing the grass isn’t greener. Seems this man loves the thrill of the chase and not the reality of an adult partnership.

Personally if get out now and spend some time single rather than jumping from one man to the next without pausing for breath.

mummymeister · 09/01/2024 14:38

@Frooty11 you didnt fall in love. you didnt find your soulmate. you fell in lust. and now that the initial honeymoon phase has worn off for both of you the cracks in your relationship are starting to show. Your new partner wont see anything wrong in cheating because after all thats the example that you set him. that its ok not to "settle" but to keep on going up the road to see whats round the corner.

you need to spend some time on your own to really think about the situation that you are in. You have made a mess of things and obviously now feel stressed, guilty, angry and all the other emotions. only you, on your own, can work through these successfully.

Mamoun · 09/01/2024 14:49

Sounds like your ex-husband had a lucky escape! Grow up OP... what were you expecting?

Needtogrowsproutsfordecember · 09/01/2024 14:51

Thrill of the chase...
You are no longer thrilling...
Sorry op.

12menandtrue · 09/01/2024 14:56

Grass is never greener. You will never be able to trust this person and once trust has gone you are left with nothing.

Marineboy67 · 09/01/2024 14:58

Quitelikeit · 09/01/2024 14:31

Now you know what it sort of feels like when someone cheats on you

When you cheated on your partner how did you feel about him? That you cared for him but he just wasn’t enough?

That’s exactly what’s happening here. You aren’t meeting his needs and he is busy finding ways to do that himself

burn

This I'm afraid! Two cheaters moving forward and expecting loyalty and exclusivity. You may have been 'in love', he probably was 'in lust' and now when the goings getting tough he's got his eyes in other pies!

3sausagedogs · 09/01/2024 14:58

Op you should never leave a relationship for someone else. If things weren’t working you either work on them , or you end it and then be on your own for a bit. You put too much into this new relationship and relied on him. He owes you nothing, you didn’t know him, all you know is that he doesn’t see cheating as a problem. End things! Spend sometime on your own and grow by yourself! We all make mistakes, learn from them x No nice men message other women and no decent relationships need to check phones!

Olika · 09/01/2024 15:01

I am not surprised you are facing these issues as you are trying to turn an affair into a relationship. He was happy for you to cheat on your husband so why are you surprised that he is not loyal and faithful to you. I don't think your relationship will last and that's your own fault.

Pumpkindoodles · 09/01/2024 15:01

I want to forgive him because I used to think we are so good together.
when were you good together? When you were married to someone else? Or when you got together and you were either arguing or needing to be comforted about your ex, whilst bf texted other women?

NADJA24 · 09/01/2024 15:22

I think he's chasing that illicit buzz from secret flirting, the initial 'will she won't she' flirting.

Stuff like this can happen many years later into a relationship when love has faded and life became mundane but to happen shortly after a huge love declaration and a life changing decision Is not a great sign.

I think the reality of being together officially isn't working for him. Maybe he feels he can't rise up to the challenge and commit properly, feeling the pressure to make the 'dream' love story going, so that it has been worth it but finding the pressures and reality of being a proper couple more intense.

so he is escaping into sexual behaviour and romantic fantasies.

Flirting, affairs and casual sex are for some people like escaping into alcohol or food in times of boredom or stress. It's another maladaptive coping mechanism. His instinct is to get 'lost' into a new adventure with someone like a blank canvas as distraction from messy or intensive situations. He constantly wants assurances that he is sexually desireable and has romantic options. He gets validation from sexual attention and flirting.

Would he agree to couple and separate therapy and commit to changing? If not then I think he will do this again.

therealcookiemonster · 09/01/2024 15:29

oh dear OP. 😳

i am afraid the reality is hitting now. I suggest you break up and take a good long look in the mirror before going into another relationship

Falkenburg · 09/01/2024 15:34

' confronted him and he explained he did this because the arguments have resulted in him feeling negative towards our relationship/situationship and have affected his self esteem at times.'

The absolute cheek of this chancer!

You do realise that this translates as ' You made me do it!'

Leave and find someone half decent as this pile of crap is worse than the stuff that comes out of a dogs arse.

Falkenburg · 09/01/2024 15:36

I missed the bit about you cheating on your husband.

Ignore my last post and stay with him as you are both cut from the same cloth.

Jackfrostnippingatmynose · 09/01/2024 16:02

You've found out that the grass isn't necessarily greener. He's a player and it sounds like he is probably bored already now he's "won" you and looking for his next fling.

BarrelOfOtters · 09/01/2024 16:23

I don’t think he’s the one for you.

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2024 16:31

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

3sausagedogs · 09/01/2024 17:21

Shoxfordian · 09/01/2024 16:31

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes

This is one of the best things anyone has ever written