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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found flirty messages - should I forgive him?

46 replies

Frooty11 · 09/01/2024 14:19

BF sending flirty messages - can I forgive him?

Backstory: I recently left my husband who I'd been with for 5 years for another man because I thought we were in love and soulmates.

Things haven't been easy with new guy because there are lots of emotions left over from the break-up and we rushed into things. We saw each other constantly and I relied on him for emotional support. He tried to support me but, at times, found it difficult to listen to me be upset over someone else when we were trying to be together.

We've both been emotionally drained by lots of things that have resulted from the situation and have been arguing a lot. Despite this, we've both agreed we want to be together still and find healthier ways of dealing with our emotions. We've blamed a lot of the arguments on the stress of the situation.

Recently, I looked through his phone whilst he was in the shower (I had a bad gut feeling) and found flirty messages to multiple other women. He sent them the heart eye emoji in response to pictures they'd posted of themselves and compliments like 'I bet everyone is telling you that you look nice in that picture'. These women are people who he's previously been friends with/interested it but its never gone anywhere. I obviously shouldn't have gone through his phone.

I confronted him and he explained he did this because the arguments have resulted in him feeling negative towards our relationship/situationship and have affected his self esteem at times. I still don't think this is acceptable. I think he told me this to explain it rather than excuse it.

I want to forgive him because I used to think we are so good together. I'm really attached, have strong feelings and haven't felt this way about anyone else. However, I don't want to allow him to disrespect me.

Is his behaviour forgivable?

OP posts:
Ellie6489 · 09/01/2024 18:13

No because there are plenty of couples with problems that don't need to go to other women/men for attention in order to feel better about themselves or a situation they are in.

He could have made a better choice but instead that's what he decided to do. That's how he handles conflict and that's disturbing.

MsDogLady · 09/01/2024 20:03

@Frooty11, your ‘soulmate’ is actually a serial player who is now hunting new illicit thrills. It’s who he really is, and his blaming your ‘situationship’ is pure manipulation. Relationship issues did not cause his unethical actions.

He just likes to eat cake and will continue to do so if you’re foolish enough to stick with him.

Duh · 09/01/2024 20:51

While leaping into that greener grass you got pissed on. And rightly so.

Blubbled · 10/01/2024 10:38

You're getting a taste of the horrible way you made your husband feel OP!
You're reaping what you've sewn. I hope that it teaches you the value of honesty, integrity and to treat others as you would wish to be treated yourself because it's not nice being on the receiving end of deceit and treachery, is it?

Crikeyalmighty · 10/01/2024 10:42

Oh diddums to him! I have been on both sides of the coin- I ended up leaving my first marriage as felt the urge all the time to meet someone else, had an affair and then left(but not for anyone else) the affair was a symptom in my case of a H that never ever put me 1st-

In my current marriage of 27 years, I was crapped on many years ago and I was absolutely devastated. Made me realise how my ex H must have felt. It's not a bit of fun or romance- it's way more than that and to some extent I've never felt quite the same.

Leave this prick and take some time away from men

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2024 10:44

The reality isn’t living up to your fantasy. You can stay with him knowing you’ll never trust him or till he decides the grass is greener, or you can accept he was a bad choice and be on your own. What do you fancy?

MahShinyShoes · 10/01/2024 11:02

Affairs - thrilling, fun & sexy (to some, sounds hellish to me).

Girlfriend crying over other man - neither fun nor sexy and not thrilling.

Are you committed to new guy? Well, probably you are as you've given up your marriage & I assume, your home & maybe some family & friends.

Him, not so much. Has he lost anything except the fun, sexy affair? Anything at all?

All you can do is cut your losses & get rid - my suggestion would be to take some time to work out what you need from a relationship & work on how to communicate those needs in a healthy mature way.

DrunkenElephant · 10/01/2024 12:43

Ellie6489 · 09/01/2024 18:13

No because there are plenty of couples with problems that don't need to go to other women/men for attention in order to feel better about themselves or a situation they are in.

He could have made a better choice but instead that's what he decided to do. That's how he handles conflict and that's disturbing.

This!

C1N1C · 10/01/2024 12:47

I hope you made a clean break with your husband... I'd hate for you to offload all this onto him. Or worse, mess him up by saying you want him back.

Takenoprisoner · 10/01/2024 14:09

therealcookiemonster · 09/01/2024 15:29

oh dear OP. 😳

i am afraid the reality is hitting now. I suggest you break up and take a good long look in the mirror before going into another relationship

This basically.

Obviously this relationship is over before it ever began. When will you accept that and cut your losses?

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/01/2024 16:15

I never understand why so many people think life outside the affair bubble will be anything positive.

The thrill of the chase is over.

He convinced a marraige woman to leave her husband.

Now he's bored and searching for the ne t target.

I'm sorry but if they'll cheat with you, the vast majority will also cheat on you.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/01/2024 16:18

What goes around comes around.

Tittyfilarious81 · 10/01/2024 16:23

Well if they'll do it with you they'll do it to you

Muffintopper · 10/01/2024 20:34

How you get then is how you lose them 🤷‍♀️

Usernamechange1234 · 11/01/2024 06:52

He’s a cheat who helped you cheat on your husband, (did he have a partner too?) who clearly has no moral integrity, who is still continuing to cheat.

I really don’t know why you’re even considering ‘forgiving’ him.

You’ve lost a lot for this loser. Don’t lose anymore. Get out and sort yourself out. You cheated for a reason and that won’t be because your poor husband wasn’t meeting your ‘needs’, it will be deeper than that and if you want to move forward in a healthy relationship you need to uncover what that is!

Epidote · 11/01/2024 07:54

I wouldn't forgive and I would move on with my life as single for a while. I think you need detox for two failed relationships.

WandaWonder · 11/01/2024 08:00

Is this from one of those made for tv American after school movies?

If not then what did you expect?

Burntouted · 11/01/2024 20:50

Not sure what you expected from a guy who was involved with a married woman, who didn't mind that at all.

You were cheating on your husband with this guy. ..you're no better than he is.

This relationship was doomed from the start. Not sure why you thought that you could have a healthy relationship starting out in an unhealthy situation. Things will never go well between you two. Neither one of you will ever trust the other.

It's too soon for you to be in any relationship. I hope that you aren't still legally married carrying on like this..

Respectfully, it was never love..it was lust and the thrill and excitement of it all.

Respectfully, he more than likely isn't going to take an unfaithful woman who was lying, being sneaky, didn't take commitment seriously, nor act responsibly in her previous relationship seriously, nor would he ever consider this relationship seriously. ..if he knew his worth, he wouldn't make you a partner nor wife.

He's keeping his options open. He continues to act single. He was doing these things while you two were sneaking around as well.

He's never going to stop and probably never will commit to you.

This was never going to be the fairy tale you were envisioning.

Leave this guy alone permanently. Tie up loose ends and legalities (if you haven't already) with your husband.

Get your life and affairs in order. It is probably best if you remain single for a few years or more. Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you.

Cheating is never okay. Perhaps single life would be better suited for you, especially if you're going to behave inappropriately in relationships.

Please, after tying up loose ends with your husband (if you haven't already) leave him permanently alone. Do not try to get him back.

kkloo · 11/01/2024 23:34

How recently did you leave your husband?
I bet it wasn't that long ago at all so the issues with the new guy weren't going on for that long at all before he started to look for fun and excitement elsewhere.

Honeybeebeez · 12/01/2024 11:18

I think you got a lot of harsh feedback there! As someone in a similar situation I understand exactly how it feels. Life wasn’t perfect with your ex or you wouldn’t have fallen for someone else. I’ve been there! No one can ever know any one else’s situation or relationships. I’m in a very similar situation with my new partner and just feel emotionally numb. And it’s not ok for someone to make you feel this way.

Hbosh · 12/01/2024 14:58

Forgiveness is not just a gift that you offer him.
What has he done to earn your forgiveness?
Has he taken accountability for his actions?
Has he analysed why he needs this kind of attention? What makes him seek out other women when his relationship is in trouble, rather than focussing on fixing the relationship?
How has he grown/changed/evolved?
What changes is he making to make sure this isn't happening again?
...
What makes you think that forgiving him is going to lead to anything other than him repeating the same behaviour again and again?

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