Different personal hygiene standards in relationships

[WalliePally]

Hi all, long-term lurker but finally got the courage to post here.

I'd like to hear people's opinions on having different standards for hygiene in a relationship. Just for clarity, I am not talking about a clean freak or a total slob—just two people on different sides of the normal cleanliness spectrum.

I am asking because I am in a new-ish relationship with a man who is much more relaxed than me on hygiene. He showers either daily or every other day, brushes his teeth at least once a day, and wears a t-shirt maybe once or twice before washing them. He is afraid of the dentist so no regular dental cleaning. Nothing he does is outrageous, but he is a big, hairy man who sweats and to be honest I think he needs to be more on top of his personal hygiene. Similarly, his place isn't manky or a mess, but his bathroom and kitchen should really be cleaned more often and more deeply than he does in my opinion.

It has happened a couple of times that I had to tell him that he needed to shower or brush his teeth before being intimate and he responded really well. He apologized, laughed it off, and shot to the bathroom to scrub himself clean.

However, I find it off-putting to have to tell a grown man to shower🙁

Now I admit I can be a bit rigid and this is a topic where maybe some compromise is required. I put a lot of effort into making sure my body smells nice and is clean before meeting him, and my place is on the tidier and cleaner end of the spectrum. My boyfriend is very open to compromise and generally puts a lot of effort into the relationship, so I believe he would be open to change or make an effort if I talked to him seriously about his personal hygiene. However, I am wondering if this is going to be a problem long-term.

Any thoughts or experiences? Thanks!

I shower at night too, I want to wash off all the grime, sweat, oil, etc...of the day from my hair and/or body. I like to get into my bed fresh and clean.

The t shirt thing wouldn't bother me unless they weee hot and sweaty. I'm wearing the same jumper I wore yesterday. It's clean, I was wfh yesterday so barely moved, no point in washing it.

I shower once a day, sometimes twice in the summer if I've been to the gym in the evening. Sometimes I need to shower every other day particularly in winter because my skin gets too dry.

The teeth thing I couldn't get past. Twice a day minimum.

Just for clarity: I believe he mostly brushes his teeth twice a day, perhaps skipping the occasional evening. That is why I said "at least once a day".

Bad breath is gross and a really difficult conversation to have with someone. I had to have a word with someone in the workplace about it once, she was shocked and extremely affronted, and said that she mustn’t have bad breath as none of her family, friends, children or husband had ever said anything.

Hence why those with bad breath drift through life usually never finding out that it’s bad.

I could not see anything wrong in what he is doing other than occasionally skipping cleaning his teeth - and assuming that if he e.g.: fell in a wet ditch he would then specifically clean his body and get a fresh t-shirt afterwards because of the unusual additional dirt, not insist on wearing the muddy one again tomorrow because T-shirts must last two days.
Were he exercising daily I'd think he could just time his daily shower to immediately after, no need for two showers per day routinely (wasteful of water and not actually good for your skin) - and if he is sitting still in a cool room, wears deodorant and is not working up a sweat at all (including with you!) then every other day would also be entirely reasonable.

However! You clearly have more fastidious standards than that - and than most of the population, I suspect. That is no problem (provided it doesn't tip into obsession for you), but because of it, you personally might not be compatible with someone who does the above. Not because he is filthy and unreasonable but because you are very particular, as is your prerogative.

That's pretty grim. Your breath must honk. I'm no MN clean freak, but brushing morning and night is just so basic surely?!!

Seriously, how much energy does it take to just brush your teeth? I have an electric toothbrush, I just have to stand there and stare at the wall and it does the work pretty much.

Also cannot understand someone not feeling their mouth needs a clean after a day of eating and drinking. Doesn't your mouth feel yakky - and your morning breath must be horrific!

I hope if you have kids you teach them better than you do yourself.

I'm wondering if he does not wear proper deodorant?

Is he overweight?

That said, I could not be with anyone who smells and gets sweaty like that and refuses to at least have a quick rinse off after exercise.

TBH he sounds pretty average. DP and I both shower most days, and whilst we have fallen into bed without brushing our teeth a second time that’s incredibly rare.

I’d definitely push for better oral hygiene from your bf but if he’s particularly sweaty/stinky and a daily shower just isn’t fixing it he probably needs to look at alternatives.

Also FWIW I wouldn’t want to be romantically involved with someone that didn’t have a similar approach to cleanliness than I do, it’s pretty high up there on what makes us compatible

Yabu

So basically shower once a day and teeth twice a day. That’s really normal.

if you prefer him to shower before sex it’s a perfectly reasonable request. I’d make it clear that it’s an every time thing so then you don’t need to keep asking.

It doesn't matter whether someone showers every day or every other day in my opinion as long as they're not smelly. Everyone's skin and hair has different requirements and I find it weird that some people think that what works for them should be held as a standard for everyone else. Same on washing. There's nothing wrong with wearing clothing more than once if it isn't dirty or smelly.

If he smells and you're having to stage interventions and tell him to wash when it's early days and people are on their best behaviour at the start of relationships, I'd just walk away to be honest. It's not your job to fix his poor hygiene

I agree that this is him at his best, most effort making. If he doesn't recognise that he smells and is trying to have sex while not being fresh, that is unpleasant.

Just tell him you’d rather he showered before sex? Know plenty of people who shower before being intimate. Also tell him to get some Mitchum deodorant. 😁

Sounds like he just needs some "training" if you can be bothered. I know you shouldn't need to . I get what others say that he should be on his A game in a new relationship. He seems good natured enough about being told. Is he worth it? Up to you. I do think that the women in the relationship sets the hygiene standards so he will probably take your standards for his own. He doesn't sound totally minging although the teeth thing leaves a lot to be desired.

i grew up in a family with good hygiene, showered every evening, brushing teeth twice, floss daily and use mouth wash. It made me super sensitive to bad odour.

I met my husband who only brushed once too, but he quickly realised he should be more tidy to feel better about himself and not only do it for myself. I never nagged, only spoke about importance of hygiene for health reasons and never critisized him in any way. Now we have same standards, and he was like your man, scared of dentist but now he visit dentist once a year to maintain dental care as you wouldnt want to be teethless at early age!

If he got other good qualities, i would say give him some time to adjust. But if it becomes a vicious cycle of reminding him, i will say he is unchangable.

You definitely won't be attracted to him in a few years when his teeth rot, and you'll look back thinking...why did I not run when I had the chance?! No one loves visiting the Dentist but we go because we're adults. It sounds like you're having to Mother him "go and have a shower" "get a dental check up" nah cba with that - get rid!

We don't live 50 years ago.

I have to very respectfully disagree with this. I think everyone should have a shower or a bath once a day at the very least.

Good communication is key immediately. If he needs to brush his teeth, tell him! How he responds will say alot about him. I used to tell my DH to clean his teeth before bed as he's a massive milk drinker & milk breath makes me gag. That was 17 years ago, now he does it automatically. So tell this new fella sooner than later. Oh & I have occasionally told DH over the years if he's been a bit BO smelly & he rectified.

OK, let me be more clear. I personally think two showers a day, once in the morning, once before bed, is the right level of hygiene. (Tiredness and fuel bills stop me doing this now). My partner showers less frequently than once per day, but is perfectly hygienic and clean. Why is one shower per day the correct level for everyone, just because you say so?

Piss poor dental hygiene would be enough for me to run for the hills.

I haven't said so.

But perceived standards of acceptable cleanliness are obviously culturally and historically determined.

50 years ago, I was 5 years old. We didn't have a shower in the bathroom (well, we had one of those rubber attachments that you stuck to the bath taps), so we had a daily bath (sharing the water!)

Thirty years before that, my parents didn't have a bathroom. It was tin bath in front of the fire once a week.

I don't imagine my parents were considered unhygenic or unclean compared to their schoolfriends, but it would be daft to compare their levels of cleanliness to now. Standards change.

100% this, if you want him to shower before sex just say so.

also agree with others that you sound particularly fastidious ( as is your right), and he might find you a bit much

If you don’t like his natural body smell, you probably aren’t compatible… of course it’s a matter of degree and cleanliness is good but humans do have a personal scent signature! Showering once a day should be enough.

My DP doesn’t have any BO, something to do with having dry earwax meaning genes for low personal odour. I really miss a good inhale of compatible man-scent tbh!

I think part of being attracted to someone is liking their specific natural smell. Not their aftershave or cologne or. Nor the smell of the curry they've eaten a few hours back or the socks they haven't changed for a week. Being obsessively clean can be as problematic as self-neglect.