Different personal hygiene standards in relationships

[WalliePally]

Hi all, long-term lurker but finally got the courage to post here.

I'd like to hear people's opinions on having different standards for hygiene in a relationship. Just for clarity, I am not talking about a clean freak or a total slob—just two people on different sides of the normal cleanliness spectrum.

I am asking because I am in a new-ish relationship with a man who is much more relaxed than me on hygiene. He showers either daily or every other day, brushes his teeth at least once a day, and wears a t-shirt maybe once or twice before washing them. He is afraid of the dentist so no regular dental cleaning. Nothing he does is outrageous, but he is a big, hairy man who sweats and to be honest I think he needs to be more on top of his personal hygiene. Similarly, his place isn't manky or a mess, but his bathroom and kitchen should really be cleaned more often and more deeply than he does in my opinion.

It has happened a couple of times that I had to tell him that he needed to shower or brush his teeth before being intimate and he responded really well. He apologized, laughed it off, and shot to the bathroom to scrub himself clean.

However, I find it off-putting to have to tell a grown man to shower🙁

Now I admit I can be a bit rigid and this is a topic where maybe some compromise is required. I put a lot of effort into making sure my body smells nice and is clean before meeting him, and my place is on the tidier and cleaner end of the spectrum. My boyfriend is very open to compromise and generally puts a lot of effort into the relationship, so I believe he would be open to change or make an effort if I talked to him seriously about his personal hygiene. However, I am wondering if this is going to be a problem long-term.

Any thoughts or experiences? Thanks!

I'm sorry but I couldn't tolerate that.

If he wore a T-shirt twice and didn’t smell, then I wouldn’t care. But that doesn’t sound like it’s the case. Someone who smells and doesn’t do the basics (I’d count teeth brushing twice a day as basic) then that isn’t the normal range of clean to me.

showering daily seems fine though, but obviously an adult should be assessing if they smell and need to wash more / change deodorant/ wash clothes more often. He isn’t doing that now, in the honeymoon period when he’s on his best behaviour so..

Big hairy men do tend to smell though. If you don't like the smell, you're incompatible. Find a squeaky clean poser instead.

I sometimes stand near people who honk, and I wonder how it's possible for them not to know. I think if you're raised in a family that all honk a bit, you're all nose blind and that bit of your education just doesn't happen. Clearly his parents didn't let him know what was appropriate for him, which is difficult if your collective noses are used to the whiff because everyone in the house niffs a bit.

It depends if you want to step into mother of a teenage boy mode and continue where they left off, but to me there is nothing that spells death to a sex life than having to mother an adult.

@Quitelikeit well as long as you've both had garlic for lunch then whatever floats your boat!

Im shocked most here seem to only brush teeth once! Yikes! No wonder public transport is so smelly of poor dental hygiene, particularly in the morning.
Teeth brushing should be done at least twice for a good dental maintainance.

but to answer your post OP, yes it will definitely give me the ick. I would of thought a man would up their standard at the beginning of the relationship to impress their partner (human nature) and the true colors usually shows after. If this is already more than he usually does as single, then I am afraid it would be a dealbreaker.

@XlemonX I think it was only the one.... not most.

Showering once a day should be enough, unless he has a manual job or something that requires lots of physical exercise, in which case a second shower is probably needed. But does he wash himself properly when in his daily shower? As that might be the source of the issue.

Teeth should of course be cleaned twice a day.

I see no problem wearing a t-shirt for 2 days in a row unless you are very physically active or have otherwise got dirt or mess on the tee.

I wear t-shirts two days in a row, jumpers two days in a row. Jeans a few days in a row.

But who’s standards are correct?
Showering once a day may be normal, but I bet it wasn’t 20 years ago. 50 years ago a weekly bath might have been the norm.
I shower once a day, but when working overseas it might be three times a day. Certainly before going to bed each night.
Does he smell? If so he should shower more often/thoroughly.
If not, then what’s the problem?

OK just for reference:
I remove my make up every night
shower every night and add anti-perspirant
Brush my teeth every night, flossing tops every other day and bottoms every other day
Use mouthwash
Brush my hair
(All the above takes about 25 minutes)

Every morning I
Wash my face and hands
Do my hair
Apply anti-perspirant, perfume and make-up
(All the above takes about 15/20 minutes)

DH showers and shaves in the morning
Applies anti-perspirant and after shave/cologne
He does his teeth twice a day and flosses once a day.
Probably spends about 25bmins getting ready every morning and wouldn't dream of wearing a shirt twice.
He is also very tidy.

I think we do the minimum.

This

Showering once a day wasn’t normal 20 years ago?

I remember 2004 well, and don’t recall daily showers being some sort of oddity or luxury.

@GoldDuster

yes I’m the only one admitting to it. There’s millions of people who do similar. I do not have oral odour issues. Neither does my husband.

Of course there are occasions where we have brushed more often such as if we are going out in the evening but meh as long as the dentist says our teeth are good and we feel likewise then I’ll take my q from that

We do brush twice a day but I'm grateful we hate showering equally and there is no requirement for daily, let alone twice a day showers.

But it won't get better. Changing one thing is possible but not several things.

I think you were very very honest and open and that's great, but you have kind of opened yourself up to some questioning!

I do not have oral odour issues. Neither does my husband.

And as long as you're both happy and healthy and both believe that, then good on you.

Same.

My bf used to smell a bit sometimes and then I learned that he didn't wear deodorant 🤯

It was mostly fine for a long time, but then he started to really smell and it was making me angry as I wasn't sure how to address it

My child came to the rescue and seriously shamed him by showing disgust and telling him he smelled. He bought some deodorant and life has been much better since then 😁

Soooo - maybe check if he's wearing deodorant. If he's not, this may be a more difficult challenge...

But you do realise that you probably wouldn't notice it yourself? Other people are probably too polite to tell you if your breath smells.

I am also a once a day showerer. There might be times when I skip a day, and I wouldn't consider myself filthy. Equally, there are days when I need t shower twice because I've been working out, or it's insanely hot or whatever and frankly, by the time the evening comes I'm dirty and smelly. So the concern for me would be that he doesn't seem to notice that he is a bit sweaty and disgusting at least some of the time.

As for the once a day teeth brushers - YUCK and also, really bad for your teeth.

I really believe my husband would tell me and also my family?

I mean we both have told each other on occasion but that is after eating certain meals

I think the point is that if you're all in the brush your teeth once a day gang in your family, you're all in the same boat and so can't alert the others to an issue, because it's normal for you.

When one of you starts a relationship with someone who brushes their teeth in the morning and before they get into bed with someone, there will be someone in OP's position, not wanting to tell an adult they've got a whiff issue.

Maybe.

If you think he's maybe worth it, stick with him and have a proper chat about it!

Mine resisted certain aspects of cleanliness for quite a long time, and it did get frustrating having to nag about it but he's fiiiiinally on the same page as me and I'm glad I put up with it because he's a good'un :)

It's annoying and you shouldn't have to tell a grown man how to be hygienic, but also, sounds like you care more than he does and there are many worse things a man can be than a bit grubby, and if in all other ways he's a good fit for you, don't bin him just for this... yet. Particularly if in all other ways he's kind and good and open to change.

Jesus op. He stinks enough to make you notice and comment and you are asking US if it’s a dealbreaker?? YES it is. It absolutely disgusts me and there is no way I could be intimate with anyone like this.

Why can’t you trust yourself that your opinion on hygiene or anything else is more than enough. It’s doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks because we don’t need to spend time with him (Thank god!)

Teeth brushed twice a day
Minimum shower once a day
Fresh clothes

It is not hard.

Ditch!!!!!!!!

Teeth brushing twice a day is standard.

Clothes and body washing depends. If you or your clothes don't smell or are sweaty then you don't need to wash them/yourself. If they are then you do.

I sometimes shower 2 or even 3 times a day (run, swim, summer) and sometimes none (desk job, cool weather, didn't do any exercise). I will certainly wear clothes more than once.

Brush teeth twice a day (and apparently if you're only doing it once it needs to be in the evening - which should in turn make people do it twice a day as the morning is more for smelling nice, evening for actual keeping the teeth clean).

I think you trying to tell him he needs to shower more than once a day is ridiculous though.

But what about sweaty people? For example, last weekend he showered when he woke up, but then after lunch he went out for a long walk with his dog and came back all sweaty. Didn't shower after that and by evening time his armpits smelled like sweat (I noticed because he tried to initiate intimacy, I wouldn't have otherwise).

In this scenario, a shower a day simply isn't enough!