I don't know what I look like.

[ThanksForTheTroubleYouTookFromHerEyes]

I know that sounds really silly. But it's the best way of describing how I feel.

I grew up being told I was unattractive and would never be loved because I wasn't pretty enough to be loved.

My mum didn't love me. She was open about that and I would hear her criticising my appearance to her friends and putting me down either seriously or in a jokey way.

She and her friend would make me and her daughter stand next to each other in our pants and vest and compare us. I had a better thigh gap than she did but her daughter was pretty. They would laugh about it.

My mum told me strangers would comment on what an ugly baby I was in the street and she felt very embarrassed by my looks.

Every aspect of me physically was critiqued and I was always found lacking from the colour of my hair, my whole face, the size of my boobs, my waist, my hips, my bum, the size of my wrists, my ankes, my feet, the length of my neck, the length of my arms, the shape of my legs...

I used to wear oversized clothes because she told me I was fat and bought me too big clothes. She told me my bra size and would buy me too small bras. I thought I looked so wrong because my boobs were just the wrong shape or my body was wrong. I didn't realise until my 30s that it was really because my clothes didn't fit.

I was encouraged to make myself small and insignificant so that I didn't embarrass her or myself by people seeing how ugly I was. Almost like, i didn't have the right to offend people with my lack of attractiveness and she was embarrased by my lack of self awareness or arrogance if i tried to look nice. She instructed me to make myself small and insignificant so that a man who realised he couldn't have who he really wanted might settle for me. I genuinely didn't believe I could be loved or attractive to anyone. I still don't really.

I hit my late teens and sometimes boys fancied me. I thought nothing of it. Of course they did. Boys would shag a pillow at that age! I dated occasionally but I treated them badly because my mum made me believe they were just using me and was embarrassing myself by going out with them. They were laughing at me. I had no awareness that I could actually hurt someone. That I could matter to them in anyway.

I didn't have sex until my early 20s and by then had learnt that I didn't mean anything to anyone.

Fast forward to now.

I've had therapy. I'm at a stage where I can leave the house without my looks being at the forefront of my mind. Most of the time.

I do actually have a partner now. We've been together for 2 years. He tells me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him obviously. It's something that men think women expect to be told. He's being polite. We get on really well and are very similar. I don't believe he is attracted to me.

I don't like it. I don't like being complimented. It makes be feel very hostile. Inwardly, I feel disgust and very hostile. I don't react that way though. I just shut down and respond with silence or change the subject. He knows this and so only very rarely says anything. Usually when he's had a drink when he also says he wants to tell me more often but he knows I don't want to hear it so he doesn't.

When we go out, I avoid contact with him - physical and eye contact because its too much. I feel embarrassed for him. I don't want to look at him and realise he's looking at someone else he does find attractive.

I feel ugly and shame. I can't explain it better than that. I just feel shame. I rarely wear make up because, to me, that says "look at me" and I don't want people to look at me. I feel I want to make an effort to look nice but I don't know if I ever do. Because I can't tell what I look like. I don't know what I look like.

I hate the thought of being seen.

I feel unworthy and inadequate.

I know logically that a person's worth isn't based on what they look like but it's hard to escape that thought process.

I met a woman the other week who kept telling me on a night out how beautiful I was.

I'm not. She was drunk and i had been kind to her. But I don't actually know what I look like.

I have a blind spot when it comes to myself.

I can only see myself through my mother's eyes and I don't know how to change it. Or if it's arrogant to even try.

I lost weight earlier this year. Only a stone and a half. I dropped two dress sizes to a 10. I felt even worse about myself and deliberately put the weight back on. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror afterwards at all.

I mean, what right to I have to try and see myself differently?

But even if you DID look like a total ogre like a horrid deformity or something, it's still possible for someone
To find you attractive! I doubt your partner is lying he's not a charity worker he's a person who wants a partner he's attracted to.

Have you red Eleanor oilphant is completely fine book?

No, I haven't heard of it.

Logically, I know what you say makes sense but I can't make it make sense think my head.

He might not be a charity worker but what if he settled and looks at me and is quietly disgusted by me?

I just feel such huge shame.

It has all just got too much and I can't deal with the constancy of these thoughts. They're pervasive.

Bloody hell, your mother has done a number on you. I'm so sorry.

I mean, what right to I have to try and see myself differently?

You have every right to see yourself differently from what an abusive parent has told you. You know, objectively, that she deliberately bought you clothes that didn't fit, don't you. So the rest of what she said is likely equally garbage.

Your mother was jealous of you OP. It happens.

My mum was the same. She did this with both my looks and my personality; I believed I was really ugly/stupid/boring growing up. It took me years to believe that I was attractive. I'm not perfect, a bit overweight, I don't really groom myself or anything, but I'm not bad looking. Quite pretty actually. I don't know how I changed my mindset, I guess a lot of people, male and female, commented on my looks in a positive way.

Oh my goodness 🥺 I’m a bit like you, not so extreme though. My Mam didn’t love me at all basically, so I don’t reckon much to myself 😐
not just looks but still, I realised lately I do this thing where I’ll mistake someone in a photo for me for a second and sort of go eurgh, then realise it’s not me, they look alright then 🤔

I'm exactly the same OP, especially the arrogance part.

Your mother is a complete cunt and I cant fathom how anyone could be so cruel to their own child. Though I am well aware that it does happen.
I’m sure that you look perfectly fine; your partner was obviously attracted to you.
I’m genuinely sorry that you have been put through this.

This.

I'm so sorry OP you have been through some absolutely horrific psychological abuse from the one person in the world with most influence on your sense of self worth. Have you had any help to try and cut loose from the effects of her words? It must be horrendous but she was clearly one fucked up person to say that to her own little daughter and as you were growing up. Could well have been jealousy as she saw you blossoming as she was ageing.
Try to delete her words from your mind and replace them with everyone else - your partner, the stranger on a night out, etc etc - they don't need to say these things to you.
FWIW I used to feel ugly as an adolescent but I did observe a girl in my class who wasn't particularly conventionally attractive, but who had the most amazing confidence and a fairly good figure - actually nothing special either, but quite big boobs- and she used to preen herself bridging her hair, putting lip balm on, looking in her little mirror, cackling at peoples jokes really loudly, overall being centre of attention and everyone used to pander to her and say how beautiful she was etc etc. It's always helped me to witness that as it shows confidence and making the best of yourself adds so much to a persons attractiveness. Other "beautiful" people I know are never seen without loads of make up and really nice outfits on.
So to me it's really partly a show we put on to the world. Everyone can be beautiful or be plain- it depends on your mood, your effort, and obviously so much on the beholder. Lots of people hate make up and prefer the natural look.
Maybe research on Pinterest for people you think look like you, or people whose style you like and try to emulate it a bit.
Remember it's partly a game and you can have fun with it. Try different make up styles, loads of dark eye shadow or just eyeliner and mascara etc. play around until you like what you see. I'm still trying to find different looks in between not bothering at all!
I hope that helps ☺️

Similar story with every single physical feature criticised from birth though yours sounds much worse. Are you still in contact with your mother? If so I would cut or go very low contact. How much therapy did you have? Sounds like you need more it can take years to unravel this stuff. Do you like to exercise/ keep fit? It helps me to feel happier with myself as feeling strong and fit rather than focusing on appearance. It's hard I also feel that I have no idea what I look like but with age it seems to matter less.

Thanks for the replies.

I think it's too late now. I'm 50 in a few months. Getting older doesn't bother me. I just feel it's too late. My age is starting to show. There has never Ben a time in my life when I haven't felt like this and being in a relationship is exacerbating it.

I'm sorry others have experienced similar.

Sometimes, I feel 'ok' about myself. Not good but I convince myself sometimes it doesn't matter but then something happens or is said that reminds me and then I'm back at square one.

She also criticised my personality too. But I thought the post was too long, and tbh, it's the feeling of looking on the mirror and being able to 'see' myself properly that I'm struggling with the most.

Like I can't process what I'm seeing before me. I can't find a way of being comfortable with what look like or making peace with it but I don't know. I can't explain it.

No. I'm not still in contact with her.

Similar story to yours OP.
I have deep-rooted self doubt because of my cruel psycho of a DM.
You've realised how damaging your DM was. That's half the challenge to setting yourself free from her disgusting treatment. Keep believing in yourself.

I don't believe in myself.

OP you might have a form of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) triggered by the abuse you had as a child - theres a good charity that deals with this and you could talk to someone on the helpline. BDD isn't just about how you look on the outside, its how you feel about yourself on the inside too:

https://bddfoundation.org/

Have you had any help to try and cut loose from the effects of her words?

Yea. I used to have intrusive thoughts/fantasies about slicing parts of my body off. I don't have that anymore.

I used to find it very difficult to br in public spaces because my fear of getting stuck or knocking furniture over was so great. I would go to a pub/restaurant and plan my route to the loos/bar mentally to avoid bumping into things or passing too many people. I don't do that anymore and I can see that logically it wasn't a risk because I was 8 stone at the time! But it felt like it was af the time.

I always walked with my head down so that people couldn't see my face. I don't do that but I do still cover my face with my hands when taking to people or laughing. Not completely cover but I put a hand up to obscure.

I never make eye contact with anyone when I'm out.

Some days are worse than others as are some environments. I went to a 4 day festival last year with my partner. I spent te first 2 days sitting in the tent on my own because I felt so disgusted/sickened by my appearance. I didn't know how to behave around him. I just felt traumatised by the unknownness of it all and the people. Being seen by so many people I didn't know. It was too much.

I've had therapy since but it doesn't help. It's so upsetting and just makes me feel worse. My coping strategies might not be healthy but they feel safe.

I'll have a look at that. Thank you.

What an absolute fucking bullshit of a mother. I’m so sorry you’ve had this awful experience. I don’t know what helpful advice I can give, you’ve probably heard it all before. Perhaps, a different type of therapy or coping method can help. I sincerely hope you eventually see the beauty in yourself that your mother hid. Good luck 😞

This story is so awful I couldn’t read all of it. I’m so sorry OP.

The really ugly person in all of this is your vile “mother”

How such a horrible person as her could produce such a lovely daughter as yourself is the real mystery.

Please never talk to her again.

if I had the choice of spending an afternoon with yourself or your (so called) mother, I would choose you in an instant. I’m sure I would cross the road to avoid her.

Stand tall OP, you are so much more than you believe.

I'm really sorry you have such deep seated self loathing, what a horrible legacy to give a child. I agree that at this point this seems to be more body dysmorphia as opposed to low self esteem and so quite specialist help might be needed. The fact that you've posted about this suggests you know your feelings about yourself aren't kind, and you know quite clearly where those feelings came from. That's a start. I hope in time you can find some body confidence, take compliments and believe your partner. I'm sure he means it, many people never say anything of the sort to their partners. And 50s amazing! You may find this is the decade where you finally find yourself x

Hi @ThanksForTheTroubleYouTookFromHerEyes Are we twins? My mum was remarkably similar. She also hacked into my hair with kitchen scissors the afternoon prior to my first school photos and told me that there was no point telling anyone that she did it because no one would believe me. The next morning she stormed me into school and made a huge song and dance about how she knew it was normal for little kids to cut their own hair, and it WOULD be the day before photos that I cut it. I remember her screaming at me that I had better be smart at school because I would never, ever be pretty. She also said that they only resuscitated me at birth because they didn’t think she could have other kids, and she wished that they hadn’t bothered because she had my younger brother. As an adult I know she was projecting her own psychological trauma onto me. Her mum had been awful too. I was a disabled child and it was assumed that I had brain damage due to being born so prematurely. (Early 1970’s). Turns out I had a severely broken leg and dislocated hips, which weren’t discovered until I was nearly four - by which stage my leg was deformed and I needed callipers up to my hips until I was grown. Her own mother would have been breathing toxicity instead of support into her ear for all this time and my mum was deeply fucked up. She was anorexic and commented anytime I ate anything at all. She smoked and drank herself into an early grave and was the most unhappy, negative human I have encountered - but charming with strangers. She’s been dead for seven years and I grieved for the mother I never had. I had put myself into therapy early and was able to separate my identity from her projection. It took a loooong time and physical separation. I am in my 50’s now and have a lovely DH and three awesome kids who have had an entirely different childhood thanks to my hypervigilant desire to not repeat these patterns. You can evolve and that starts with changing your inner monologue. Start speaking to yourself (internally) as though you were supporting your own friend when you catch that inner monologue being a bitch. You will exorcise your mother’s identity from your own and evolve. I promise you.

I agree treating the inner voice as an unpleasant other person who is bullying you can be helpful. I've done that with intrusive thoughts. If a car goes by too fast and I wince imagining being hit by it for example I mentally say back "Yes but it didn't did it you twat why would you try to scare me like that f* off!" which sounds bonkers but it can help sometimes. For clarity I'm not calling myself names it's separating me from the "bully"

It's a technique similar to one in a self help book called Dare by Barry McDonagh.

Because your mother was so abusive you have associated your appearance with pain. Have you ever tried a hypnotist, a professional? You are never unconscious or don't know what you are saying in a hypnotic state, but he/she can tell that part of the brain/unconscious/memories that you are believing something that isn't true and to let go. It sounds like this started so young your thought process is buried in your unconscious.