I don't know what I look like.

[ThanksForTheTroubleYouTookFromHerEyes]

I know that sounds really silly. But it's the best way of describing how I feel.

I grew up being told I was unattractive and would never be loved because I wasn't pretty enough to be loved.

My mum didn't love me. She was open about that and I would hear her criticising my appearance to her friends and putting me down either seriously or in a jokey way.

She and her friend would make me and her daughter stand next to each other in our pants and vest and compare us. I had a better thigh gap than she did but her daughter was pretty. They would laugh about it.

My mum told me strangers would comment on what an ugly baby I was in the street and she felt very embarrassed by my looks.

Every aspect of me physically was critiqued and I was always found lacking from the colour of my hair, my whole face, the size of my boobs, my waist, my hips, my bum, the size of my wrists, my ankes, my feet, the length of my neck, the length of my arms, the shape of my legs...

I used to wear oversized clothes because she told me I was fat and bought me too big clothes. She told me my bra size and would buy me too small bras. I thought I looked so wrong because my boobs were just the wrong shape or my body was wrong. I didn't realise until my 30s that it was really because my clothes didn't fit.

I was encouraged to make myself small and insignificant so that I didn't embarrass her or myself by people seeing how ugly I was. Almost like, i didn't have the right to offend people with my lack of attractiveness and she was embarrased by my lack of self awareness or arrogance if i tried to look nice. She instructed me to make myself small and insignificant so that a man who realised he couldn't have who he really wanted might settle for me. I genuinely didn't believe I could be loved or attractive to anyone. I still don't really.

I hit my late teens and sometimes boys fancied me. I thought nothing of it. Of course they did. Boys would shag a pillow at that age! I dated occasionally but I treated them badly because my mum made me believe they were just using me and was embarrassing myself by going out with them. They were laughing at me. I had no awareness that I could actually hurt someone. That I could matter to them in anyway.

I didn't have sex until my early 20s and by then had learnt that I didn't mean anything to anyone.

Fast forward to now.

I've had therapy. I'm at a stage where I can leave the house without my looks being at the forefront of my mind. Most of the time.

I do actually have a partner now. We've been together for 2 years. He tells me I'm beautiful. I don't believe him obviously. It's something that men think women expect to be told. He's being polite. We get on really well and are very similar. I don't believe he is attracted to me.

I don't like it. I don't like being complimented. It makes be feel very hostile. Inwardly, I feel disgust and very hostile. I don't react that way though. I just shut down and respond with silence or change the subject. He knows this and so only very rarely says anything. Usually when he's had a drink when he also says he wants to tell me more often but he knows I don't want to hear it so he doesn't.

When we go out, I avoid contact with him - physical and eye contact because its too much. I feel embarrassed for him. I don't want to look at him and realise he's looking at someone else he does find attractive.

I feel ugly and shame. I can't explain it better than that. I just feel shame. I rarely wear make up because, to me, that says "look at me" and I don't want people to look at me. I feel I want to make an effort to look nice but I don't know if I ever do. Because I can't tell what I look like. I don't know what I look like.

I hate the thought of being seen.

I feel unworthy and inadequate.

I know logically that a person's worth isn't based on what they look like but it's hard to escape that thought process.

I met a woman the other week who kept telling me on a night out how beautiful I was.

I'm not. She was drunk and i had been kind to her. But I don't actually know what I look like.

I have a blind spot when it comes to myself.

I can only see myself through my mother's eyes and I don't know how to change it. Or if it's arrogant to even try.

I lost weight earlier this year. Only a stone and a half. I dropped two dress sizes to a 10. I felt even worse about myself and deliberately put the weight back on. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror afterwards at all.

I mean, what right to I have to try and see myself differently?

@Risun
Completely agree that this "mother" was jealous, It;s the only logical explanation.
OP, it;s your "mother" who is revoltingly ugly.
Don't let this monster ruin any more of your life.

I agree with everything previous posters have said. I also think it is particularly hard to deal with the results of all that trauma whilst being surrounded by a looks obsessed society. Even when it's body positivity movements its still so body/appearance focused. In reality, whilst being attracted to someone is initially likely to involve looks, they aren't actually a very big part. Its like eating meals - yes something might catch your eye, but it doesnt mean anything once you tuck in. A person's character, personality, interests, demeanor etc are all bigger parts of what makes them attractive when it comes to feeling a connection with a person (although of course the word is often used in a solely looks based manner). Your mum doesn't sound like she understood that at all. She sat there scrutinizing your body as a child, telling you that it made you unlovable, when she was just describing herself and her own behaviors. She sounds very damaged and bitter to be able to do that.

So I'd say forget 'seeing' yourself. You don't need to. The world tells us all the bloody time about how to consider what we should look like, what to wear, makeup etc. It's tedious empty drivel really. Humans shouldn't see ourselves in the mirror 300 times a day or consider our faces and body shape so much; we just need to look after our bodies, use them well, and be nice to each other. The fact that others preen and admire themselves doenst mean that you're failing by not doing that (obviously the reasons you don't are very upsetting, but vanity is terrible and you've been spared that!). You dont need to know what you look like, you just need to get on with your life without the self-loathing that your mum taught you to do. Could you try letting yourself relax with your partner, one little thing at a time eg. covering your mouth less and let yourself be seen a tiny bit more.

I think your partner sounds very lucky to have you and your appearance is irrelevant in that.

Had similar OP, except I am not actually particularly attractive but so what, not everyone is. I went through years of thinking people were settling for me or taking the piss but you know what I’m fine as I am and my Dh seems inexplicably attached to me.

I never judge a person by their looks so as soon as someone judges me for mine they go in my mental dustbin. You really need to start not giving a fuck about what other people may or may not think. Everytime a thought pops up that sounds like your mum tell it to “fuck off mum, I don’t need you”. Takes a while but it does actually help, but you have to do it every single time you have a negative thought about yourself, it’s not your voice it’s your mums parasitic little voice in your head still abusing you.

I don't think she was jealous.

If I had blossomed into an attractive teen and it had started then, then that would make more sense.

I genuinely think she was embarrassed. She was attractive and I think it shocked her that she'd managed to have an unattractive child.

I don't talk to my partner about how I feel. I have occasionally mentioned it but I think he thinks it's an occasional thought I have. I don't think he understands that it's constant. It's constantly on my mind. I don't get any break from it.

I have tried telling the voice to stop being so mean in the past but I believe what it says so it just feels like a bit of a joke.

I agree that it's a problem that I'm so focused on my appearance. I don't judge anyone else in the same way.

What's on my mind constantly at the moment is that, for the last 2 years, I've been to that festival with him and his kids it's something he did on his own for a few years including while he was with his ex. She never went because she didn't like it. Then he went with his kids for a couple of years, we got together and I went too.

Rationally, I know he goes with his kids to have a good time. His daughter's partner doesn't go either and I don't think for a second that he cheated on his ex while he was there. Or even wanted to. But I can't apply that to me. He has bought tickets for himself and his kids this year but hasn't mentioned me going (i bought my own ticket previously so that isnt an issue). He knows I struggled the last couple of years, so this is probably why.

In reality, I don't want to go. It was too stressful. But the worry that he will 'forget' me or be comparing me unfavourably to other women while I'm not there is too much. But i dont want to be there while it happens either. I feel i need to avoid him and give him space when we are out together in case i disgust him and inspoil his enjoyment of looking at other women. He doesn't look at other women that I've seen but i feel its inconsiderate fo le to get in his way regardless. I feel I want to end things because I can't see how he can be away for a few days, surrounded by attractive women who aren't crippled by self-loathing and still want me.

I can't find any peace from it at all.

I don't want to talk to him because I don't want him to know how bad it is. And I don't think he'd understand.

I did look at the BDD website and ended up watching a BBC documentary on BDD as a result. But those people were clearly not unattractive at all (quite the opposite in fact) and the woman it featured had a lovely mum who just wanted her daughter to be happy and didn't understand where it had come from.

I understood what one of the men said about in order to have BDD you need to believe you are ugly but in order to accept a BDD diagnosis you have to accept you are wrong and it's hard to hold those two thoughts in your head simultaneously.

I just don't know what to think. I think I need help in accepting it and believing it doesn't matter and not trying to change it.

I also make excuses and go to bed early in the evening if he suggests watching a film or something together if I'm feeling really bad for the same reasons.

I don't ever police what he watches but I don't want to see it. But it means that some nights I'm just going to bed and reading at 8pm saying I'm tired and need an early night while he stays downstairs.

I know he'd prefer us to spend time together but it's not relaxing or enjoyable for me, I just find it very upsetting and stressful.

I’m sorry you feel this way op. Although I don’t have any experience in this area a book that helped me climb out of a dark hole was ‘Love yourself like your life depends on it’ by Kamil Ravikant.

You need to commit to doing the very simple exercises for a good period of time and it helps ‘rewire’ your thoughts. It really helped me and the exercises are really simple and easy to remember. The author wrote it as he got himself out of a dark hole and wanted to tell people HOW to do it rather than ‘think positive’ - when sometimes you need a bit more guidance!

In the evening could you do an activity together? Something you have to think about? Card game, board game, maybe learn something together or even table tennis if you have space for a table. Lego from a kit or origami, one of those gem art kits or a calm computer game, animal crossing or a create world in peaceful mode on Minecraft. Learn to play the keyboard. Duolingo now has a music mode (free) . Or maybe a 30 day YouTube yoga challenge. Or baking. I understand the rhythmic nature of throwing and catching a ball can also help people who have experienced trauma.

If I’m stressed I can’t watch a film as it doesn’t engage me enough to take my mind away from my stress. But other activities do help as I focus on the activity.

I did look at the BDD website and ended up watching a BBC documentary on BDD as a result. But those people were clearly not unattractive at all (quite the opposite in fact)

But OP, you really have no idea about your looks. Your mother abused you dreadfully and you have a totally warped idea about yourself as a result.

Your partner thinks you're attractive. You not believing him doesn't make him incorrect.

You hiding your face when talking to people, avoiding evenings with your partner, and hiding yourself in a tent because of your beliefs about how you look are exactly why it would be a good idea to actually contact the BDD people, rather than brush them off because you still believe what your mother brainwashed you with.

You poor, poor thing op. I just want to give you a hug.

Your mother is a truly evil, vile creature.

For random people to tell you you’re beautiful you really must be attractive- though I know it’s hard for you to believe.

You have been very badly abused, I’m not surprised you feel so worthless. I pray you get the help you need - are you still having therapy? I think you need a proper, trained psychologist.

I'm sorry, OP. Unfortunately we can't choose our parents and some people are luckier than others.

I bet you are beautiful and have a wonderful soul, too.

Didn't want to read and run. You're worth it, there is time. You say you're nearly 50, you could have your lifetime again. Find a therapist specifically experienced in this area.

Also dump your mother. It will be painful, but it will likely be a huge step towards recovery. She sounds like a total and utter twat.

Start small. Good luck.

I haven't seen her for over 10 years.

She is in her mid 70s now. I'll never see her again.

I would gently suggest that actually simply by posting here you are acknowledging that what your mother said and did was very wrong... you just can't quiet take the leap to also acknowledging that she was as wrong about you. Somewhere deep inside you know this is all wrong. Have you had some counselling at all OP to start unpacking this? And love is far, far more than attraction- even if you were as unattractive as you think (which I highly doubt) your DP is perfectly capable of thinking you are beautiful as love becomes us. You love all of a person, not just their outward look. I would say maybe you need to properly talk to him.

OrlandointheWilderness

I do know that she was wrong to say the things she did but everything she said was right. If that makes sense. They weren't lies or inaccurate observations and that's what makes it so difficult.

Stuff like telling me I was fat when I wasn't or the wrong bra size. Well she told me I was her bra size. I can see that was because she didn't want to be a smaller bra size than me. For example. It was fucked up and wrong but some of the other observations she made were accurate.

Maybe I wouldn't care so much about them if she hadn't said anything. I don't know. But I can't see myself any other way. When I look at self in the mirror, all I see are a collection of flaws. That's what I mean about not knowing what I look like. I can't see what my boyfriend or anyone else tells me they can see.

On one level, I know it's wrong. Sort of. So if my boyfriend says he loves all of me - inside and out - I feel like the inside stuff compensates for the lack of outside stuff because.that's.what she focused on.

I wasn't attractive so no one would love me. So I had to make the rest of myself as small and insignificant as possible to compensate for it.

Other people say its what's on the inside that counts. I know you can't love someone for outward appearances alone but that does feel/sound like a cop out to me.

Your mum was a liar and a sadist. I would have a verbal fight with her tell her what a shit stain she is before she dies.
I would also go back to therapy, with someone new if necessary.

I don't expect her to have remorse or understand what she has done but for me it would be cathartic to shout at her all that she has done, get it all out loud. Its less about her reaction and more about me getting to say it to her ugly face.

Have you ever sought help with this?

There is so much to unpick and you can't do it on your own

I think you need to exorcise that witch thoroughly. You need your own voice and a new opinion - not hers. Part of this process is to drag yourself out of your “inward-focused” thoughts and feelings and look elsewhere. I can’t imagine your partner is stupid. He doesn’t sound unkind and I imagine that he has two working eyeballs. (Even one is enough!) You need to think as though you are him. He LOVES you. He CHOOSES to be with you because you are intelligent, empathetic (and yes, this needs to be your focus…) and HE thinks you’re attractive. He WANTS you. Then start to imagine how your mother might look these days. She would be aging. She sounds like a bitter person. This shows in the lines around her downturned mouth. Her lips will have lost any fullness and will be like a tight gash in the bottom of her face. If she is still thin, she will be bent and her skin will be loose on her arms and neck. Her hair will have thinned and she will have broken veins and age spots all over her body. Her breasts will have lost their shape and they’d be empty and wrinkly. Her skin dry and thin.
The comments about your personality are irrelevant. She never knew you anyway. Your lovely partner does.
Her comments about your appearance are irrelevant. She is bitterly yearning for her lost beauty because that was all she had. She was not deep or kind. She was competitive and cruel. She is alone even when surrounded by people.
You are loved and you are valued.

Please have a look at these two videos on toxic shame;

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A PP mentioned hypnosis. I've worked with someone, older than you, who couldn't bear to look in the mirror because she only saw her mother's face. She's now living a very happy life.

BTW, it’s expensive and hard to find but EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing) therapy is fantastic for exorcising specific traumas quickly if you can get it. I have resorted to it twice to save my own life.

OP, one of the features of BDD (and other similar problems) is that a logical, rational argument won't change the way you feel it believe about yourself.

We can all sit here and say "but your partner frequently compliments you! He's chosen you!" until the cows come home, but it's not going to make any difference to you.

My mother was similar to yours - not as extreme with the body shaming, but it's taken a lifelong toll on me nevertheless.

What I really resonated with in your post was your aversion to being complimented. That feeling of anger, resentment and disgust has absolutely no logical basis - it's a trauma reaction that was learned in childhood. And even though today you don't need to defend yourself from your mother's abuse (because she's not in your life) those defence mechanisms are still fully armed.

The coping strategies which helped you survive as a child are now holding you back, trapped in patterns of negative beliefs and fear-based behaviour.

Part of your recovery will be to acknowledge those coping strategies, thank them for the protection they gave during your childhood, and then work on letting them go. It won't be an overnight process and you'll need to put in a lot of practise, and some of it will be terrifying and painful. But the work will be the key to stepping into a new life without anger, shame, and fear.

You need to work with someone who understands BDD and can help you break through these belief systems that are no longer helping you.

Wishing you the very best, because you deserve a full life. 🌸

I do know that she was wrong to say the things she did but everything she said was right. If that makes sense. They weren't lies or inaccurate observations and that's what makes it so difficult.

Stuff like telling me I was fat when I wasn't or the wrong bra size. Well she told me I was her bra size. I can see that was because she didn't want to be a smaller bra size than me. For example. It was fucked up and wrong but some of the other observations she made were accurate.

But OP, you have no idea whether what she said was accurate or not. In the first paragraph here you say what she said wasn't inaccurate. Then go on to say that you weren't fat but she said you were, and that she said you were a certain bra size but you weren't.

So, those were inaccurate. And you can't say that everything else she said was accurate, because your thoughts come from her put downs and nastiness.

You said elsewhere that it's too late. It's not too late. Like someone else said, you need a therapist with deep experience of BDD. Contact that organisation to find one and discuss your experience.

You are convinced you're ugly, nothing we can say will change that, so you need professional assistance to unpick everything properly.

Oh you completely can't love someone for the outside alone @ThanksForTheTroubleYouTookFromHerEyes - that's definitely not a cop out. Otherwise what would happen when people became seriously ill, or old?! As a student nurse I used to care for an elderly lady who couldn't move. The love between her and her husband was palpable and took my breath away. I don't love my DP for just his looks, I love him for so much more.
Do you just love your DP because of the way he looks? Is he the pinnacle of gorgeousness?! I doubt it, but it is irrelevant. Love sees all.

Hello OP
I must comment on this because I had similar. A lot of what you are describing as important— and presumably those things your mother seemed to describe as important— are objective. But when we like someone or love them their beauty becomes subjective. We love the sound of their voice, or their smell. Their smile.
I feel like you cannot understand that you are loveable or deserving of love and so your brain is constantly resorting to these objective markers. I feel your mother failed not to teach you that she just loved you. Her child. I love my children no matter what, I love to look at them more than any other children. I’m so sorry she didn’t show you that you were lovable.

I'm so sorry that you had this experience too- how absolutely horrific, you and OP made me cry for the little bewildered bullied girls that you were. Really important that you shared how you've overcome it though - hope that's inspiration to OP to not give up hope xxx