How many chances to 'get the hang of it'?

[TooManyAnimals94]

I've started seeing someone. A few drink and dinner dates, dog walks and first had sex on Christmas eve. He's very kind and attentive, shows an interest in my work and hobbies and even bought me a token Christmas present though we hadn't been dating long.

Cut to the chase...the sex is meh.

He just doesn't seem to do foreplay...or definitely not enough to get me there first. We've had sex a few times now and I'd say it's probably a 50% success rate which is really not good enough.

I have hinted, I have encouraged when he does something I like, I have moved his hands, I have explicitly said 'I need xyz' and he just doesn't do it?!
To give him the absolute benefit of the doubt, I said after the last time, 'You know I didn't come ?' and he replied 'I tried'. I beg to differ.

I haven't had a specific conversation outside the bedroom and I'm not due to see him for another week but I'm not even sure I want to.

He's not inexperienced. He was with his ex for 10 years and I know it takes time to get used to a new partner and I wouldn't mind if I felt like he was at least taking the time to work out what I like and it was a technique thing.

I suppose I'm just surprised that someone who seems generous and kind in other aspects is coming across very selfish.

Throw him back? Or one last ditch attempt?

Throw him back

I'd personally talk to him about it first, but not in the bedroom.

Good for you, op; I've kept seeing men like this (worse in fact) if they were otherwise "nice"/had good points. I shouldn't have.

Have the conversion over a cuppa.
Explicitly tell him what you need and if he ignores your preferences the next time you have sex, bin him.

FFS. Conversation not conversion

Get a good book which shows positions and other stuff and tell him you want to work through it? If you giving instruction and a book telling him x and y still don't give him a hint as to what he should be doing, then I would think you'd done all you could and he was a faulty edition.

Thanks all. Never had this problem before! I don't think I'll present him with a book...I'm not his teacher.

I've got time to think about what I'm going to say. I imagine if I'm insensitive about it, he'll just get defensive.

But I am a bit pissed off!

Throw. Him. Back.

Selfish and won't listen in bed is selfish and won't listen out of bed too.

You tried, he didn't. Get rid.

He's crap in bed. This is a common problem (from what I've heard from various women friends). It doesn't get better.

Throw him back.

Some people just don't think they need to try... and it's often a sign of how they are or will be in other parts of life.

But conversely, do you 'please' him with foreplay too? I'm not 'victim blaming' here, but I feel the only way you can be upset with him not trying, is if you do try and he doesn't return the favour.

"I tried"? FFS

I was waiting for this 😂

Yes I am very generous and he's been very vocal about how much HE enjoys himself.

He sounds lazy then.
I'd tell him that.
And if he ups his game, great, if not, you've lost nothing.

I had a fwb and taught him everything.. But he wanted to please me. Very selfless.

Married him and a selfish twat he became sadly.
Spell out shape up or ship out...

Yea, that's pretty pants and kinda reminds me of someone, who it turned out wanted to just play the field - hope he's learnt something by now, but I doubt it.
If they are poor after age and experience, they aren't going to get any better, some men just don't try much with foreplay and never will - best to bin them off.

I have hinted, I have encouraged when he does something I like, I have moved his hands, I have explicitly said 'I need xyz' and he just doesn't do it

He's not that bothered OP because there isn't really anything in it for him. A good man should feel turned on by the thought of his partner having an orgasm (without putting her under pressure either), and he doesn't sound like one of those men.

I'd say he's testing how much he can get away with now, in the early stages, and you're not that special for him to make any extra effort anyway (no shade on you).

Yeah...I'm imagining that this is all he thinks women can hope for and the OP should be grateful for even that. If he'd like this now, I imagine he's going to be much worse as time goes on. His bar is pretty low.

I'd leave it. Sometimes it can take a bit of effort to gel with a new partner, but if he's not willing to listen or try new things then that's your answer.

I've not slept with loads of men, but I've genuinely only been with one who wasn't bothered about my pleasure at all. Most men love to see their partner having a good time, I'd keep looking.

Yeah, he's probably complacent. If you say you please him, and want to give it more time with him to give him another chance... simply stop giving him treats. Maybe he'll learn that reciprocity is key.

I tried?

I'd say the biggest issue with this is that's the conversation ended right there.

Weirdly I'd say 50% in your first few goes is a hi success rate, but if he's not willing then get rid. Was the "I tried" after the last time? If so I'd maybe give it one more and see if he's clocked.

I would be asking myself “ what sort of person enjoys sex, knowing their partner isn’t ?”
That would turn me right off.

Op, the problem with having a conversation about it when he already believes he’s trying, ( even if he isn’t ) is that it can end up causing stress and anxiety the next time you both try for a night of passion.

The expectation of being able to perform to a standard will turn you both off.

So, really, I’m saying I don’t think it will work if you need to have a discussion about it.
This is something he should be doing without needing coaching.
A caring partner wouldn’t be selfish in bed.

You say he’s kind and attentive in other aspects of your relationship but you actually don’t know him yet.

It could be a mask which drops during sex when he gets carried away by his hormones.

In hindsight, maybe that was the time for the conversation. His brain had dibs on the blood supply by that point....

What's the point? He's not interested in her pleasure. I bet his ex wife could tell you a story or two about their sex life. The OP's not on this earth to train inadequate men men.